personal secrets

I like to keep them when they're mine, because I always have the option to share if I need to. I don't often, but it does seem lately that some fairly juicy items I've been holding onto for decades now are just popping out as bon mots or anecdotal conversation, and on several occasions said conversation stopped cold. It wasn't meant to shock, it wasn't even a conscious choice, just an automated dump of dirt I no longer felt the need to hold onto.

Apparently what I see as a normal part of my earlier life and my blase attitude about the whole business is perniciously self delusional. So I've been told.

For the record I am not self delusional, I have worked through the black and ugly stuff in my life, and while I am certainly not happy about it by any means, I have learned to accept it as a part of what made me who I am today. Many of my experiences are what afford me the considerable compassion I can occasionally access, that provides me with a nonjudgmental stance when certain delicate subjects are breached. If I point a finger at anyone, there are 4 pointing right back at me.

One of the greatest things about surviving past 40 is the longview. Priorities change, opinions shift, patience shows back up as a regular companion, and you may find yourself thinking "it wasn't so bad". It was. Then. That was a looong time ago. Let it go, do not let being chained to the past destroy your present and deny your future.

Shit happens. Flush it.

gen y - U @ 50

A group of genY's were asked to create videos titled 'u @ 50'. This video actually won second place. Simple and brilliant.

Take a minute and a half minutes to watch it all the way to the end.

another blogiversary

My how time flies. I was just catching up on the interwebs and preusing abigail's latest post about her blogiversary, when I realized that my blog turned 2 this month. Without fanfare or notice, it slid under the radar and happily started another cycle. Thanks to anyone who stops by!

Here is part of the first post:
so what is wenchwire? a work in progress, a collection of anecdotal ramblings, a real-ease from my corporate tongue in cheek, don't say what you mean but mean what you say and still be polite to the customer who is always right but may be wrong daily writing, goddess goodness, a rant forest, dk's digital declamation of interdependence. All of these more and less.

and still true.

2 days

Grace in HUGE things.
1. My car has started every time I asked it to.
2. I found an air hose that was working after only 4 tries! and less than 2 miles from home.
3. All the presents are wrapped.
4. I did not hack up chunks of lung this am.
5. after today - 5 days off. 3 days of family and 2 for me ;)

Except for food prep I'm ready, which is a fair bit behind my usually organized self, which is still fine since there's 2 days to go. I was back at the doc's after work and since 3 rounds of antibiotics in 7 weeks haven't killed the bronchitis - we are now trying a steroidal puffer. I got to sleep for 4 hours in a row. REALLY! So far so good - hopefully this will work cause I am sick and tired of being sick and tired... and bitchy.

So the positivity persona is on and I'll work from there. Have a vunderbar day everyone!.

4 days left ...

I hadn't even realized how long it had been since I was in here. December 20 th is always a hard day for me. It's the day my mom died and you'd think that after 16 years I'd get a freakin' grip. Heavy sigh. I try very hard to shiny happy but inevitable chaos theory or Mr. Murphy always makes a visit. I should know better than to try and make plans on that day, but I keep on hopin'.

The presents are wrapped except for the one that is the wrong size - to be replaced tomorrow, and the two that I know what to get but STILL haven't found exactly the right one - but better find on my lunch hour - also tomorrow. The nibblies for christmas eve and the fixin's for the turkey dinner are lodged in their respective places - and those items that may remain frozen are parked in the trunk of my car for lack of room in the deep freeze. I have placed a sticky note on the dash to remind myself.

I haven't had any problems with Dakar so far (YEAH) but this am it took three tries to get her to turn over. It was -38 celsius last nite before the wind chill - and it's back to -34 now. Holy snappin' arseholes, contrary to popular belief this is not the north pole. Thank the hundred little gods that I did not have to be on the highway today!

The plants have been trimmed and candles uncapped, laundry's in the dryer and I missed the afternoon nap. Got my ass kicked at scrabble with the crew this afternoon, and again by the son in law online, just to keep the hubris in line I'm sure. Finished the last of my 3rd round of antibiotics since the end of October today. The abscess has subsided, the cough is holding on for dear life and still won't let me get a full night's sleep, but I have "hangover" eyes - all red with bags under them as an after effect of the meds. MMMM sexy girl.

So I'm now waiting for the last load of laundry to dry so I can have a shower and crash - working the next 2 days, with a trip to the doc after work Monday and the nieces & nephews over for pics on Tuesday evening (if it happens - 4th time lucky?). Then I'm off from the 24th to the 28th. Cooking all the sides for dindin early on the 24th at the dotter's = with ma familia for cordials later. happy santa morning with the kids & grands and pictures all around, Moose Jaw command performance on the 26th - the stuffed baked potatoes for 20 are also in the trunk of my car awaiting transshipment. Then I get 2 days to myself. Who hoo!

Sounds kind of whiny I know. However on a more positive note:

Grace in Small things 9
1. Rides home from the pub so you don't have to wait for a cab.
2. A car that starts at subzero temps without being plugged in. (knock wood)
3. Not losing the scotch tape even once.
4. Truffles.
5. Bailey's.

So I wish everyone peace on earth a goodwill to all the beings on the planet - even the sick perverted sociopaths that Dexter hunts down. I'm still on a rant about why we would have a TV show where the star is a serial killer. Can NO ONE find something Good to make a TV show about??? WTF!!!!

Oops sorry - tangential thoughts sidetracking me once again. I hope everyone has a good holiday season. Happy solstice and on with the 8 crazy nights.

grace in small things 8

1. aroad trip in December where the highways are great and there's not too much traffic.
2. finding exactly what the grandkids asked for.
3. watching yourself heal
4. mmmm ... the first two or three sips of that first cup of coffee.
5. wrapping presents.

disgrace in small things 1

1. I fell asleep at 6pm last night and did not decorate the tree with Deb after I sort of made a big deal out of it.
2. I forgot to call my dad
3. I bought a pack of smokes last Friday and I'm still smoking them.
4. Yet another set of clippers has disappeared. I didn't even get to use these ones.
5. I am still procrastinating with the laundry.

grace in small things 7

1. shiny happy bits on my living room table.
2. A smile that lights up her eyes.
3. The joy in Seth's voice as he tells me he is "Star of the Week" at school - a bit of positive reinforcement from the teacher in a group effort to steer him away from violently lashing out.
4. Fudge.
5. contemplating the grocery list for Saturday

fine ...

I want to disappear today. Waft silently through the dustladen reconditioning system, buffeted willy nilly by cruel crossdrafts with no place to bruise, in no way responsible for my path or destination.

grace in small thigs 6

1. It's Friday
2. bacon & eggs made by someone else
3. free barbie furniture for the home decor project for my grandotter's barbie house for xmas.
4. only 9 letters on my desk
5. the scent of my favorite perfume Inde'cence by Givenchy ... makes me go mmmm and smaile, then I smell like butter.

I hope everyone has a fabulous day!

made it!

through thursday - 1 more to go. need mucho sleepo. coughing again today. that fuckin' cold sick whatever is not allowed to rent space in my ventricles for a third time in as many months. Out! I say!

the first winter hump day

I chose to wear the tomyanklesfurtrimmedhoodedextralongarmed winter blanket to work today and it was a most excellent choice.I observed the underdressedovercold lemmings shiver their brandname shrinkwrapped chilliness all the way to work. That lovely full throated chuckle that makes your insides gurgle along with you kept the furnace roaring and the face from freezing in the wind rictus. Winds that puch me are BIG winds. No put down, I am seriously grounded people.

The indoor temperature ran from semitropical to not quite subarctic and my teensy stainless steel desk fan was on and off and on and off ... like hooker's drawers.

it's really not even that cold out, but i didn't take out the gar-baje. 30 feet and a set of stairs. hump day.

I have started to cogitate on strong women - why and what the hell for.

grace 5 & it's Monday Monday

Monday the funday, the catchup on DO weekendays. the dkdeathday, fallasleepat mydeskafterpizzabuffetforlunchday. The icannotfindananswerday, as well as the ohmygodit'sa5dayweekday.

on the other hand ...

1. REALLY strong coffee - espressolike.
2. that room-making belch 20 minutes after lunch.
3. catching myself sending an email to the wrong address BEFORE I hit send
4. Finding some furniture that might work with the barbie house my daughter and I are refurbishing for my granddaughter
5. spending time smelling the ideas in Chapters.

blew nablopomo

I made it last year. This year I got sick and didn't go near the 'puter for a few days - after that it seemed pointless.

My life used to have all this extra time for mucking about on the interwebs and it seems that this year I interact directlt with people on a larger scale, and that is a good thing. It is my friends that hold me together on the shakey days. I love the Grace in small things idea but realize that I am not likely to do it every day. Instead, I will do it when I post.

Grace 4:
1. Going out with my friends to DO something and sharing some laughs and generating a good group vibe.
2. Driving around in dakar and relearning my city.
3. Finding travel info for Europe at my fingertips.
4. Enjoying a java with chums - just because.
5. Having a BFF that makes me sunday dinner - mmmm. Lovely.

grace in small things 3

1. It's 4 pm and I have 3 days off.
2. It is 3 days from the end of november and I can still see grass on the lawn & go outside without a parka.
3. I think the bronchitis has finally left my building.
4. It's redispersement day.
5. The electrolysis has actually and permanently rid me of at least 2/3s of my previous stubbily chin hair.

grace in small things 2

1. I have more truly good friends than I can count on both hands.
2. I did not hack up half a lung this morning.
3. It's the end of november and it's so nice I did not even have to scrape the windows on dakar.
4. Another member of the homely crew is getting married - I think.
5. I seem to have worlds of patience to help the grandkids figure out why they do what they do when they don't mean to do it.

diss - appearing

This is what happens when one of three things happens:
1. someone disses you outright
2. someone makes a remark in a tone that makes it sound like you are being dissed
3. you interpret something said as a diss
How do you tell which instance it is? Do you ask outright, which then in turn causes umbrage, and the wheels of chaos keep rumbling on? Do you repress your reaction and stick to your delusionally positive world? Do you continue hellbent down the road of wobbling sanity continually questioning your own ability to understand what people said in the terms that people meant them?

fuck.

grace in small things 1

thank you for the reminder schmutzie. I have made a conscious attempt at being a glass is half full person for about 20 years now. Some days it is all I can do to admit that the freakin glass is even there. However. It really is the small things that make our lives doable.

I tried to use your seal ... did not work. It's Monday - I'll try again another day, but I think the idea is a grand one. Do pass along a thanks to Madame B.

Grace in small things:
1. The smiles and kisses and hugs that rain down upon me from devi and seth my grandkids.
2. The first few sips of a freshly brewed cuppa joe with extra fatty cream.
3. The women in my life - all of them, especially the bitter ones.
4. Music, in my head, on the radio, ipod, tv, satellite, the stranger whistling down the street or the low thump of bass that threads its way up the stairs from my downstairs neighbours.
5. Making someone smile.

wed is mo better

startin to feel a little better.

slept through sunday

and in retrospect I wish i had slept through Monday too.


prefer NoMoreColdNo

nabloplomo sucks when you're sick & whiny

change is eternal ...

Friday DOs are grrrreat!!!

I got so many things done - little household tasks, air in dakar, visit with the boyo, groceries, made psgetti and foccacia with sneaker cheese, and now Pixx is over working her magic on Deb & I.

dear immigrant germs:

you were not invited. you are not wanted. get out!

hump day

It was. Lots of work - busy busy. Had one cigarette today, though I smoked it in 3 stages. Not bad. Went to visit anarchy & dasjules for a bit after work. Poor Abigail - I do so hope she feels beter soon. Jules gave me the first mandarin orange of the season - tasty tasty and it just smelled SO GOOOOD.

I can only hope that this stupid stitch in my side/back lets me sleep more than an hour and a half in a row. It's fine most of the day and then it's skewer and squirm.

One more work day for the week - big YAY! I love my job, but damn I'm tired.

Have you noticed lately how many more stupid people there are?

11/11

I remember:
- my mom and all my grandparents, my Auntie Donna and Uncle Jimmy
- all my friends who have passed before me.
- Great Uncle Don who died overseas, and Uncle Stubb who was a pilot.
- all the people who put themselves in harm's way to keep the world as peaceful a place as humanity can manage at any given point in time. Thank you.

On the same note but in a different vein: I remember
- the way my mom's purse always smelled of juicy fruit and spearmint
- the cousins using grandpa's sunday go to meeting neck brace as a princess crown
- Grandpa Irv's case of pic-a-pop that Patty & I got to choose the flavours for
- bath day in the summer at the Swan farm BEFORE the bathtub was installed when I was in grade 6. All the cousins lined up in the kitchen with the metal washtubs, thus the origination of don't throw the baby out with the bathwater.
- cooking with Auntie Donna in preparation for harvest
- Uncle Jimmy attempting to teach Patty to ride Joy, but Patty simply told the horse go left, and it did, go right ... Uncle Jimmy was so surprised.

AND I remeber:

- losing my ruby ring my dad bought me for my birthday in the sandbox at the park.
- sliding down the crackled windshield of the beater car in larry lazondike's back yard - with his uncle's permission.
- my first trip to Polo Park, sans adults, with cousin leslie and randy & Brian Carpenter
- both times I was almost struck by lightening
- the FIRST time hot pants were hot.
- making the cheerleading squad
- hash attack jeans, chevy vans and muscle cars
- army cadets and rapelling down the mountain
- private boarding school
- hitchhiking all over
- juvenile hall
- crushed velvet suits and 4-5 inch spikes at the disco
- Whole Earth, the Den, the Old Gold, the Paddock, the old student union, and Hollywood's
- my pair of mismatched 1960 falcons and my 1961 push button transmission valiant
- how magical I felt in my 2nd wedding dress (heh heh)
- finally moving out of housing
- the satisfaction of seeing both my kids complete their grade 12
- finishing my degree

monday monday .... so good to me ....

Nasty icy roads precluded that stroll to work.
Very productive work day though.
And now it's off to cheezioke - oh yeah!

transformation

Energy can be transformed but not destroyed. Life moves to death moves to life. How do you get off the hamster wheel?

Saturday

busy busy. no time for this today. tomorrow maybe ;)

traditions

Don's memorial service is today. I hadn't seen much of him lately (guilt), mostly because I, like so many others, am uncomfortable dealing with people that are actively dying (fear). It's good that he isn't suffering anymore (relief) (more guilt) and though I am sure that Patty's heart is completely broken (sadness), I am also sure (self talking from hope) that she will suffer less now that Don does (more relief & even more guilt just for thinking that).

But how do you say goodbye when you didn't know the end was THIS close, and you missed your opportunity?(bad person) What happens when the person who died doesn't follow any tradition? In today's world the traditions just don't cover all the eventualities. Don is gone, Patty has been his companion for some 6 years now. They used to live together (long story) and haven't for a few years, but they still see each other and Patty is the one that has cared for and nursed hime through his whole illness. Over a year, fighting to keep him alive and in some sense of order - no mean feat. But now that he is gone - it's like she is invisible - to the the traditions.

His children are recognized(no matter what their relationship was). Even his exwife is recognized (I am not pointing fingers at people here just trying to show that traditions fail)But the one person who loves him no matter what his faults were, who never gave up on him, who knows what he wanted, who loves him with all of her heart, has no say.

It is complete and utter bullshit.

just about missed it

had a good night. have to make a decision. hmmmmm

compassion

I would hate to live in a world without it, but damn it kills those who practice it one small bit at a time. And then there is nothing you can do to ease their pain. Sure, youcan BE there for them, you can LISTEN, but does it really help? I don't fuckin think so.

Love you sister.

brainsludge

I just now realized that not only is it the 4the day of the nablowme month but the 4th day of nosmokesfor you month. At least is is simple to keep track because my focus mechanism has had a complete meltdown. This is worse than before I went on the prozac, never mind the jumpin' off that long ago train.

holy motherfucker. I can barely play scrabble. It's all I can do to pay attention to the computer for 15 minutes. TV is okay so long as it's loud and there's something that I can criticize.

I love my car - Deb and I went & got groceries and 2 sweaters yeatereve and she found her pants. I need a haircut though and some colour, if anyone sees Deanna tell her to give me a call - I'm sleeping alot so I'm likely home if I'm not at work. Except for next Saturday which is 5440 - that should be fun.

I need to find something else to do during my coffee g=breaks and lunch since I refuse to go buy shit in the mall that I don't need and I've found that I cannot hang with my smoking friends because that 2nd hand smoke just smells too damn good!

smoking

I enjoy smoking. I love to kick back and have a nice big drag of that fresh tobacco taste after a great meal. Or that lovely aromatic mouthful with my morning java. Or the colourful mix of frosty cold morning smoke paired with the memory sparking scent of automobile gasoline fumes. ahhhhhhh.

And then there's reality, hacking up a couple of furr balls after a night out with friends because your normal 4-5 a day habit bit the big one and you inhaled an entire pack and then some. THe 3 hours spent nervously traversing the 25 foot hallway while you wait for noon to get there so that you can go to the conrner store and get some smokes that you forgot to get on your way home and it's 40 freaaking below outside, so it's too far for Shopper's. The pungent STANK of your back porch when the first fresh breeze of spring makes you realize that you did NOT paint your porch yellow last fall. cinder holes - in everything. the infinite search for a match or other fire emblazing apparatus. ashtray mouth. yellow fingers. blackened lungs.

damn I miss it and it's only been 2 days and a bit.

I'm angry and bitchy. I went to bed last nite at 7:30 because I couldn't stand myself, and I was awake every hour and a half or so. My teeth have been clenched for so long my jaw just aches. And when I smell someone smoking I salivate so much I have to spit.

but it's good for me.

bah humbug. I'm pissed off.

sunday brunch ...

was fabulous and well attended - myself Stacy Owen Darrell & Jill Danny & Katie Tara & benaliscious and brother Chad all meandered down to the Inn for the fabulous brunch. Today there was prime rib, feta & spinach stuffed chicken breast and a mango papaya tilapi to just fuckin' die for. And all the rest of the great stuff they always have ;) Now it's off to play canasta.

nablopomo

2nd year - I'm too tired from a great hallowe'en and it's 17 degrees outside so Miss Stacy and I are off to the deck to play Scrabble OUTSIDE on the FIRST of NOVEMBER!!!

I know!

clearly delusional

so apparently yesterday Huey Lewis was bouncing through my brain. I don't know why, but the dtty sucks. I would delete the post but I like to leave the ugly ones there to remind me to think before I post.

I actually managed to get this time sensitive project completed a day early yesterday, so I should be able to leave work today with everything moderately under control. Who Hoo! It's my birthday on Monday and I would much rather be ahead when I start the day.

D'Kar d'pissed me off this am. I was all organized to get everything in D'Kar and take it to work so that I could get to the bridge before the zombies this afternoon to take some pictures before they infest Victoria Park. But no. D'Kar she went rrrrrrrrr - and it was a no go. C'est la vie. I will ask Chris if he will come and boost me tomorrow.

Off to work now.

clearly delusional

so apparently yesterday Huey Lewis was bouncing through my brain. I don't know why, but the dtty sucks. I would delete the post but I like to leave the ugly ones there to remind me to think before I post.

I actually managed to get this time sensitive project completed a day early yesterday, so I should be able to leave work today with everything moderately under control. Who Hoo! It's my birthday on Monday and I would much rather be ahead when I start the day.

D'Kar d'pissed me off this am. I was all organized to get everything in D'Kar and take it to work so that I could get to the bridge before the zombies do this after and take some pictures before they infest Victoria Park. But no. D'Kar she went rrrrrrrrr - and it was a no go. C'est la vie. I will ask Chris if he will come and boost me tomorrow.

Off to work now.

almost hallowe'en

i want a new life....
I want it real quick ...
I want one that makes me dance ...
and where I'm never sick....

I want a new life ...
Yes, I want it all ...
I want a great stretch limo
to take me to the hallowe'en ball.

gratitude

Great friends
Real people
A place to call home
Turkey dinner with the clan
I have a good job
Technology to keep in touch
Unforgettable moments
D'Kar
Enjoying life.

dear mom:

For some reason i really missed you today. I don't know what it is, but it's there, just out of reach. Kind of like you.

REALLY wish you were here. I'm selfish that way.

t-t-t-t-tuesday

I believe I am grateful that though I have been blessed with my friends' cold, so far, cross my fingers, I have not contracted the truly snotty virulent strain. Cough, headache, ears popping, exhausted, eyes stuck together with goop is quite enough.

Abigail is correct, neo citron is my friend.

named

After much consideration, the wheels have been named: D'Kar.

rain

A percussive splat! on the window, introducing the random pitter patter of autumn's tears. Mourning summer's joie d'vie with the brilliant colours of death. The sniffles are on the loose and hibernation's knocking on the door.


I'm not going to answer.

faded

you wake to morning's dawn, colourless
the pink and orange glow of manmade happiness beckons.
to smile and in your mind be glad while the body wilts in semistasis.

today is burnt and past, ne'er to last
reality self-setting in damp cement.
opportunties destroyed before they're born.

tomorrow a new path weaves through past and present
stretching out before you.
risk? take the step.

a moment

have you ever had that moment?
you know, that intake of breath and clarity of vsion
that informs you ...

with clear bright knowledge
unprovable and true ...

missed the boat.
how sad.


Note to self: do not watch girly princess movies

Octobre'

My favorite month. My Birthday, concerts galore - Neil Young, Feist, SNFU and Lenny Kravitz, along with the zombie walk and the biggest costume bash of the year! And this year the costume is just a tad extravagant. All hail hallowed October.

I bought a car yesterday. yes I did. Shiny red and new to me - ahhh the freedom. I've not had one for 7 years or so... egads but I love to cruise in my automobile. I gassed it up (bit of a shocker there) then I washed it and waxed it and took it for all to see, cruisin' down the road just my baby and me. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!

Note to self: take some pictures of the car and find her name. She used to be a Clifford, but wit the adoption and gender change and all, needs a new moniker.

Workin' on the hallowe'en mask. It's divalicious.

no longer HOMEless

I've always lived in different places, we moved alot when I was young, but I usually considered HOME to be at my grandma Jones's in Swan River or my grandma Millie's in saskatoon. The grandma's are gone now and MJ where my dad lives has sort of taken on that role - but it's not the same - no sense of HOMEstory - you know?

I realized yesterday that HOME is now my place. All those other places were home at the time but they weren't really HOME. Sort of transitional places to stay and grow the family, build the career, etc.

A few friends popped over last night to do some girly hair stuff and without even thinking about it hostess mode turns on and there's cocktails and some munchies... it's just automatic. Thank you dad. And it felt great.

Last week when some of the ladies were over - it was the same thing. I love sharing my home with my (borrowed from Miss Stacy) framily.

So now I'm making my own HOMEstory, and it seems somehow significant - I'll figure it out.

friday DOs are the best!

I love Friday DOs (earned day off). Especially on a beauty day like today. Crisp and clean, fairly warm and only a few chores that MUST be done.

I'll be cookin' up some great eats for potlach at Anarchy's tomorrow. Perhaps find a new pair of shoes at Iannone's. Do a little wandering of the stores down Cathedral way. Pick up my friendly Stellas. And do a load of laundry.

Oh yes, and I have to process the pics from the Wacky Olympics on Wednesday - it was a team building activity for work and it was hilarious.

So it's outside we go to enjoy the weather before old man winter freezes the short & curlies.

I do need to find someone to get the sliver out of my finger.

truthiness...

So my son and I, we go waaay back. They were the best of times with a random worst of times, but mostly best. He's my friend. He moved out last November and he turned 25 last March. I do occasionally regret the joy of questioning authority and debate that I fostered in him. He's a good kid.

Today he came over for a visit - he wanted me to make him egg in the holes) He told me he got me a present. He's asked me to draw him my initials a while ago.



He now has this tattoo : he had a flower drawn in the shape of my initials just above his heart. I almost couldn't believe it. it has a truthiness to it.

I must have been a good mom sometimes.

fall

today the word russet popped out of my mouth, which started the brain along the path of vermilion, scarlet, umber, bronze and mustard. I only think those words when summer is over. heavy sigh. perhaps that's what's been the matter lately. I had such a great summer.

I need to buy new shoes.

and sleep regularly.

words

barren still and silent, my road runs ever on
images of childhood, fleeting joyous, now they're gone.
friendships made, some lost or frayed - loneliness abiding
the tears that fall, when memories call with regret slowly rising.

the lives you've shared with ghosts long past and lovers in the gloom
the questions never answered, as the shadows fill the room.
laughter love and anger, fear resentment searing pain
your life so full yet empty, missing something you won't name.

whenever happiness walks by, and turns to stop and gloat
what is it really, ask yourself, that tightens up your throat.
the many friends, good job, great kids and thriving family tree
yet deep inside and running wild, desires you will not free.

it's not for you you tell yourself, you had your chance and lost
afraid to take that step again, you can't afford the cost.
the mirror shows the outside, a reflection of the self
you turn your back or cry alone unwilling to reach out.

trapped in your own labyrinth, of self mistrust and shame
you don't know how to find the way, out of your own damned game.
filled with desperation, barely choking out a breath
you run and dance and laugh and sing, a whirling dervish never rests.

you fill your life with people and you love them one and all
but still you're slowly sliding, back to that place before the fall.
the slippery slope of nothingness that leeches out your life
once you're alone and sitting in the deep of silent night.

you want someone to save you, yet you're too mute for the task
it wouldn't even matter if someone came right out and asked
around and round in circles your heart fights with your brain
the moon and stars the only ones, to see tears fall like rain.

which way did I go?

... still running like Wiley Coyote. Note to self: I am not complaining, it's just an observation. Last weekend's insomnia twisted this sister and I've been trying to catch up all week. I had to move my DO from Friday to Monday since I hadn't really had any sleep in about 2 and a half days. Thank the hundred little gods that my boss was amenable to the change because I only have 1 sick day and 1 vacation day available to me until the end of December.

THe Elton John concert was the BEST!!! Patty and I got up after 3 songs and went and danced and sang at the railing through the whole thing. I have now officially sung duets with Sir Elton...

Wednesday was rush ruah to get to Liza's for my neice Ashley's 18th birthday party. SO much more sedate than the beer bong bash for Liza's 40th a couple of weeks ago;)And Thursday was danger wine night - cause you never really know how you will wake up the next day and you know you have to work. Me? All good.

So I'm just getting off work now and then it's of to deckadance for Handsome Joe's birthday and a chance to visit with some of my original work crew and buddies I haven't seen since summer got here - and reel to the lambent tones of Celtica.

tomorrow I rest. maybe. subject to change.

meltin' for elton

the joy of knowing there's another 8 year old out there ... glory fuckin be!

the weekended

thurs at the dishpit was a blast- twistin' the nite away, and jammin later was too hilarious. almost slept in Friday - what a gorgeous day, and it was off to the patio to celebrate Deb's 51st bday (she'll love me for that). Saturday was crafts with the kidlets and some solid relaxin at home. Sunday the hot girls + Marc & Logan went for brunch at the Regina Inn - amazing! Though bailey's for your coffee is not available until noon. I even got my pics posted - huzzah!

This week it's the laundry, elton john, my niece ashley's bday, wine with the ladies and handsome Joe's bday at the same time as celtica with Tgirl, carebear, lana and the boys. And then it's saturday again.

no wonder why I'm tired.

but happy;)

ah well

apparently I did have it at Bushwakker's. And left it on the floor of Laurie's car when we got out at the patio.

My apologies to all of the thieves I have maligned.

But I do have my phone back.

bye bye cellphone

It took me years to finally cave and get a cell phone, this July. Didn't go on a contract, just pay as you go. You have to buy and activate a new card every 60 days. If you have left over minutes, they roll over.

I went in to buy a new card on the 60th day and they had already deactivated my account and took the $33 I still had left. Tried all avenues, no success, not happy. So I purchased a new card, but only $20 this time. Finally got most of my numbers entered in etc, and was finding it fairly convenient to have around.

Last night at the patio someone went into my purse and took my phone. Not the smokes, not the happy can, not my credit cards - not a smart thief - just my phone. My friends and I have been calling the number - no answer.

So to whoever took my phone:
You should have taken the credit cards too - missed opportunity there dumbass - you could have bought a car on my mastercard. Or if it was a case of borrowing it - give it back. Or drop it off to one of the servers at the patio as "found". I don't care who or why - I just want all my numbers back.

fuck.

?

I used to have ambition. Looked for the big picture, wanted to be the star. Now I seem to be content with snapshots, and I'm behind the camera. Not the director - which is strange enough in itself, but the image catcher historian. It used to be all about the intesity of colour and now it's the starkness of black & white reality - with the occasional fuzzy filter just to maintain the occasional delusion. WTF is that about?

what moves you?

I went to a great concert Tuesday night and was chair dancing from the first tune (no dance floor). When the music moves my soul, the rest of me follows. What truly amazed me was that halfway through the show, 90% of the people there weren't even nodding their collective heads, never mind the occasional torso twitch. Are we so afraid to allow ourselves that freedom of movement even within our own societally dictated 2 square feet of space? Or is everybody just dead inside to the music?

labour day is over

and a busy one it was with tech stops and housework and some random kitchen redesign. I now look forward to a music filled autumn and less than 2 months to my birthday and hallowed e'en. I realized 10 minutes ago that yesterday would have been my 30th anniversary if I'd stayed married the first time. funny thing that. now I celebrate my freedom anniversary every year;) times change. are you having fun yet?

...meh

I know!!!

deep thinkin' day

words from the dalai ...

" Mothers in society are the first lamas, or gurus, of compassion; our spiritual lamas come later in life. Our mothers teach us the power and value of compassion right from our birth."

and lest not forget that there are many women who do not have children of their own but are just as compassionate.

I have decided not to do the 5 on the 27th any longer.

the human capacity for stupidity is infinte. Isn't it?

change is eternal ...

the vaguaries of vanity

I love music. I used to play several instruments. Piano (still can) drums, blues bass (left handed) 1 song on the sax, and a tune on an oboe. it's been a few decades but camping made my fingers itch for a guitar.

Fancy that, I'm at my niece Autumn's birthday party and I ntice this guitar case covered in dust ... it's my neice Ashley's, and she doesn't play it anymore - never quite got into it, but she's a slammin drummer. Autums has one too. And my brother-in-law Brian is going hard on his.

Autumn lent me hers last Thursday. Hah! what a fiasco... you would have howled to see me. It's right handed and feels all backasswards. I tried turning it upside down - no go. So I settled into relearning how to play the guitar - with no pick, but I have great nails so it wasn't too awful for a rank amateur like myself. Half an hour and my fingers were killing me. I'm weak! and my nails were chipped in 2 small spots. I might have to trim my beautiful long pink nails. One of the few characteristics that I really like about my physical self. Well, maybe not - it's just the guitar.

Friday was a wash for practice - 20 minutes maybe but then Kev gave me a pick, now I was in business. G chord strum strum strum - how do I do that, which strings should I be strumming ... thank the hundred little gods for the internets. Found a How To site, with finger charts AND AV of what I should be doing - much better. Tried 5 chairs till I found one the right height, well almost. D chord strum strum strum - don't strum the 1 string - I know it has a key ... damn my nails are in the way of holding down the chords ... bend the knuckles more, can't reach the next fret for the B chord.... damn ... it's going to look really stupid with one hand of short fingernails and one long ...

Tonight I managed D G C A and I can't do F - out come the clippers and off go the nails on the left hand. Much better, I even managed a few transitions this time without the twanging caused by a too long nail in the middle.

But I love my long nails. Oh well, sport length it is. Then I realized that though I may not have to trim the right hand as short - I can hardly leavw the long Barbie nails on one hand and have Ken nails on the other ... clip clip clip - oh the TRAUMA!

but I play better. I think I'll put more shiny things n my toenails ;)

the ides of summer ...

The sky was cerulean blue on my way to work this morning step step limp.
By noon the clouds began to creep up on the horizon like the negative rumbles gathering behind my tongue.
Overcast reigns midafternoon of the ides of summer, half spent and half yet to discover.

Birthdays and birth days, engagements and weddings, graduations and vacations, and getting around to those little tasks that need to be done.
Fix that thrice bedamned dripdripdrip of the kitchen faucette and replace the elbow joint in the biffy, maybe see what the hardwood is REALLY like under that hardboard.

And last of all self revalation: note to self, do not drink white wine on the deck!
Sheesh, you'd have thought I had already figured that one out.

Leter to Vericose:

Leave my veins alone you bastard!

dk

july long

camping at madge - superb
seeing the swan clan - extraordinary
almost being nick sheloff'd - priceless

got home burnt but happy to find I am a great aunt to Hailey Brook Nordquist and she's beautiful!

perceptions

To some it may look like I'm slacking, I'm not. Quite simply situations so far beyond my control that I don't even know where the remote is, have required my attention, and I am peddling as fast as I can to get caught up. I take my word fairly seriously and I have now got 3 prromises at the very LEAST 2 days behind. As for the rest of it, I refuse to whine any more. Except about my foot, whose swelleduppedness is at least a little reduced today.

My most sincere apologies.

On the bright side, the relatives are graduated, the grands are pinataed, my camping gear is altogether (except for those pesky extra tent pegs and the insides to my campfire coffeepot).

So it's off to bear country and swimmin' in the lake this weekend with a crew of yahoos who will be up to shenanigans in no time - and I'll get to have a quick visit with some of the Manitoba cousins and say happy birthday to Uncle Wilbert too.

So I will do my 5 on the 27th early:

I can only hope that some day you will believe in yourself as steadily as I do. The tribulations you've been through have stomped you down and I'm sure there's yet a few other hurricanes to be weathered, BUT weather them you will. Inner freedom is so tantalizingly close, just grasp it and hang on.

Please realize that you almost died and that it frightened the rest of us as much as it frightened you. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE take better care of yourself. I am so proud that you graduated your grade 12, and I DO know how much work it is to go back to finish. I did it too.

I believe that you will make a fabulous dad. I know your drive to be a better parent will see you through, just remember to gentle it with patience and compassion.

May you travel as far as you want and take lots of pictures for your anti. Hopefully I'll make it to the Himalayas before you do. Viva l'ecole finiter!

You sir, are an A number one asshole. Self centered, abusive, and violent I almost wish I was big enough to thoroughly kick your ass. I cannot think of anyone else that drives me to anger faster, I have no idea how your mom does it.

Friday the 13th

My lucky day, or at least the day when I come full circle once more. At least this time it only took 7 years ;) And at this very moment, it is not raining;)
cheers

A letter to the rain:

Dear infinite numbers of the earth's tears,

Fuck off till Friday would you?


Sincerley,
Gettin' Mouldy

just about thursday .

Delayed gratification,that sweet slow burn of conflicted desire warring with the conscious knowledge that you do not have to wait.
How strong are you?
You are how strong?
How strong do you really want to be?
Frame of reference?
Really?

Are you sure?
I am.
Or am I?

I know ...

wow am I behind

no excuses.
I've been busy.
I do have 2 entries stored as drafts if that counts?
AND I missed the 5 on the 27th, which I will get caught up on this week! Can you imagine me trying to do 365 ... the only thing I do religiously everyday is wake up.

2 more days

2 more days 2 more days 2 more days

deepest respects

To the 2 mothers I know that lost their children this week, my heartfelt sympathies. Terrible to lose a child in their twenties with all of that potential, simply tragic. Losing an adult child, especially so far from home, with no real idea of what has happened must be devastating as well.

Words are just not enough when hearts are broken.

spring is sprung

After an evening of fun and frivolity, great chants to the mother goddess, and a fruitful spreading of libations to one and all, another successful pole dancing day came to a glorious and blurry end;) May it bring upon us all a lovely spring, a hot but balanced summer, and an autumn of agrarian bliss.
The moon wanes yet my spirits continue to rise like homemade bread in a warm kitchen. My kids are doing well for themselves, my job is back to normal, and my new -good for the feet - shoes are also good for my posture AND my soul. Begone dastard socks ne'er to darken my drawer with fuzzy bits til the passing of all hallowed e'en.
Unless it gets cold camping....
My friend Clouds is home for a bit and my heart did a little happy dance to see him while it wailed its distress at a missing abigail & smyrysh. Sami will be home soon from Aussie land and the twins will soon be back on the happy deck. Bren brother enjoy the southern exposure but forget us not on dance nite.
My weekend with the granddotter was supercalifrajilistically spectacular. Shop till you drop, fashion and perfumery, several trips to the park, out for supper and a sunny sunday brunch. Ye gods but it's great to be 8 years old!

happy pole dancing day

Oh happy day the first of May!
My DO tomorrow and Thirstday today.
Load up your bowers with flowers.
Celebrate a wonderful tradition and find your pole and dance the dance of spring and fecundity.

All hail - it may snow but winter is officially dead!

And the magic orange bags arrived yesterday ... I can see the deck at the end of the tunnel ;) and smell that alluring perfume of spilled ale and cigarette butts spreading across the sidewalk on a 30 degree day, with the occasionally blast of exhaust fumes ... heaven on earth;)

5 on the 27th

Susan G: you were my strange girlie friend who introduced me to free form dance and taught me that if you really wanted something, you could go out and make it happen. You were sad though and bruised and I always wondered if it was your invisible dad or your crazy Elvis obsessed brother. He sure had a whack of records.

Karen W: I loved going to your house, your mom was forever cooking and your bangs were as crooked as mine. I still have a scar on my neck where I almost strangled myself on the high school tennis net support wire. Note to self - do not play running tag in an area with grey wires at neck height at dusk.

Amy R: You had the most beautiful long curly strawberry blonde hair and you hated that your face was covered in freckles. You always smelled of lilac. You were so angry that Art got a crush on me and that I wouldn't dump Tomy for him. Tommy's dad looked like Tom Jones;)

Janelle R: You taught me how to successfully lie by avoidance. Snooper the cat had lived at my house for a year before my dad figured out she was a girl. My parents just didn't even consider that I would lie about such a thing. Hah! Snooper lived with us for 8 years until she was mauled by a loose dog. She was my best friend when I had none across 3 provinces. Thank you.

Kathleen M: Our little sisters were friends and we met during a fist fight on the school grounds coming to our sisters defense. Your house was a nest of wonderful surprises and your mom was so soft spoken. I think you were the first person I knew from a single parent home, even though no one talked about it, out loud.

dirty little secrets

Everyone has one, that nastiest of all personal bits of decrepitude. You know. Don't you? That sometimes quirky, sometimes cute, but most often disgusting personal habit. Perhaps something that ONLY YOU notice. That's right, and I'm not just speaking to the generally delusional here either.
Your studied nonchalance as you ... unobtrusively of course ... check your teeth in the mirror 230 degrees off the port bow - and then with all of the elegance of a stork in quicksand, flick it out of your teeth with a nailtip to sail all unknowing into someone's hair. Oblivious you are.
Quietly curled over your prei dieux, hands clasped in prayer as you nibble away the tiny uneven bits remaining after the nail has been masticated, while others hail your piety. Only you know.
Heart attack in progress jolting awake thumb surreptitiously dragged across the coverlet as you reach for the lamp. Internal voices singing the litany,"Did anyone see me? Is there drool on my face, on the pillow...?"
Wading through 5 o'clock traffic, peaceful isolation of your car. Dry air, cold, humidity, heat all common excuses for that insolent itch. "I'm alone, no one can see me" ... more a pick than a flick. Neither a kleenex nor a take-away napkin to be found.
Always hungry constant search for sustenance, protein, haaccchhhh! Don't you just love hairballs?
Please keep the toe & finger nails off the floor, out of the ashtray and out of the crack in your ass.
Toe jam is gross - wherever it is.

However, yours eyes are not disappearing into the baked wastelands of sunworn valleys, those are beauty marks not age spots, and all feet are not ugly to everyone.

Hmmm - not really sure where that came from, it must be Thursday.

new toys

My how time flies when you're banging your head on the desk/floor/wall. But it feels so good when you stop ;) It took me a couple of days but I did manage, without any extraneous assistance to hook up all the electronics including the surround sound and get it all to work. Yay ME! Bigger Yay for the tuneage. Now I can watch TV and crackbook on the commercials from the comfort of my sofa.

That would be next on the list. Now I need to build a 10" base to raise the seating some and then recover the couch and maybe add some stuffing to the cushiony bits. And Abigail is going to give me whatever leftover Tangerine crush she has left so there might just be enough to cover my tub chair in the office... where is that staplegun?

The knee is great. The plague has mostly passed, just a remnant of the hacking cough. Electrolysis has already sent half the black stubblies to whisker heaven, though the white ones are the most determined to keep living. Call me Santa! I have delivered on the birthday promises and thanks to my daughter - who called and told me Lenny Kravitz is coming to the Brandt center October 30 (3 days after my bday) - I HAVE FLOOR TICKETS!!!! so I think me and the dotter will be rockin out for my 47th bday. It will be a blast.
I checked the Calendar and the 30th is a Thursday payday with the 31st - best holiday of the year on a DO Friday. WHO HOO.
Life gets better.

aptronym ...

I've heard of synonyms, homonyms, seudonymns and antonyms, but never an aptronym.

An aptronym is a name "aptly" suited to it's owner. For example, Lord Brain who was a neurosurgeon. Slim Pickins who was both slim and a tremendous "picker". Fictitious names like "Mr. Worldly" or "Mr. Talkative".

Perhaps in the spirit of aptronymory I should change my last name to "Rambler". Mind you my real last names "from the North" which is apt all on its own.

I got new toys from FShop yesterday - let the geekdom reign!

Powered By Limousines For Rent



MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! go classics! thanks to Abigail and Neil

another bumpy hump day

Alrighty then, so it might have been a cold, a flue, the plague or I may have poisoned myself (doc thinks allergy related). No way to tell until I'm better and then I can try my herbal goodness once again (when I have a 3 day weekend to blow - just in case). If I get the same reaction after the 1st day, I'll have to give it up.... and it looked so goood to me.

I'm still choked up occasionally, but I think I'm past the drag the dingo through dirt exhausted portion.

I really need to clean my room.

I want things to be better for my kids and my friends who are sick and/or descrepit.

COME BACK SUNSHINE!!!!!

aaahhhhh. ok, better now

whiny day

I missed 2 days at work, on my FIRST fulltime week back after surgery.
I don't get to see the grands because I might be catching.
I missed going to a show with the girls Wed. nite
I missed dinner out last nite.
I will be missing Nick's bday party tonight at this rate.
I might even have to miss church tomorrow (the choir does not appreciate being continually interupted and it's nigh impossible to be singin')

It began when it started to rain Wed nite. Sinus release until thurs am with HUGE freaking headache. And the coughing ... by the hundred little gods ... till I vomit! Worst when I first get up. No particular chest congestion that I can tell. Allergy medication does nothing, nor does ventilin or the crap the doc gave me to replace the prednezone when I had pneumonia. Hot liquids seem to ease it for a bit, but not for long. Cough medicines do nothing - yet there it still is the tickle in the back of the throat and a dry cough kind of like when I walk by the dry cleaners (huge allergy to their chemicals). constantly. aarrrggghhhhhhhh!

At least today I don't feel quite so exhausted.

I am SO fucking tired of being sick, I eat healthy, I've been exercizing more, I take my vitamins, I avoid sick people when at all possible ... WTF!!!!

rant yell kick scream cough pound head on wall cough cry wail bemoan cough snivel vent whine cough ....

hack hack ...

choke spit ... #@$!%& allergies. (i think)

still good ;)

change is eternal ...

good news day ...

I am starting to feel not so icky, and I am quite thankful that I did not not get really ill - which I will attribute to my faithfully getting a flu shot for the last 4 years. Most of the people that I know that got caught in the last round of the plague were very sick for a minimum of 4 days. Really sick. Me, I was not very hungry, tired and low grade fever. I have been feeling fairly well since round lunchtime. YAHOO!!!!
And ...
This is close to the end of the 2nd full day back to work and ahhhhhhhh, I am so grateful to be one of those who truly enjoys their job.
And ...
Both my mortgage insurance and my banker came through with payments today - less than a week check it out! Not a lot, but now I don't feel like I'm paying that insurance for nothing and I know that should I need it, it is not to difficult to set in motion(very important).
And ... my health insurance called to tell me that they have now received everything they need and hopefully I will be getting the $$ for physio and prescriptions back by the weekend (not holding my breath).

Now if I can just get the $$ for the doctor's forms, which I've been told will take at least a few more weeks (4 already), I will have dealt with all the odds and sods left over from the knee surgery. The knee is great by the way and now I completely understand "gellin"... love those insoles.

So it's off to met Debs at the pub for a pint to celebrate such a wonderful day, and most likely see several more of my friends while we're there. Life is goody good good.

the sunday serenade

A frenetic and freeloading fraturday followed by a down to home weekend with visits from the girls and the grands. Confirmations on plans for Pavlo next weekend, so looking forward to it (flamenco guitar and cock6tails with the ladies).

Lots of walking completed, over 2.5 Km Thursday when I accidentally reset the counter. Did about 16 blocks on Friday. Saturday was about 26 AND several flights of slow stairs. Sunday I just toured the block a couple of times, though I had been keeping up with Devi for a while by then. I know it doesn't sound like much but after a few weeks of 0 Km ...

Devi woke up this morning not feeling well, a little pukey and develpoed a low fever before her parents picked her up. By about 2 I started to feel a tad peaked so I went and laid down for a "nap". I woke at 6:30 to the phone, which promptly hung up once I reached it. A little chicken soup, a hot shower, finish the mail and it's back to bed for me. I would way rather avoid this crap if I can.


Talk to ya'll in a few days.

sound pollution

Another shot poured and sunk, another step closer to unconsciousness. Seeking the numb quiet of silence. Peace. Every minute deflecting random attacks at linear time, clocks ticking away hour-long seconds. Scenes shifting midthought, playing destructo with logic patterns. Raging arguements trapped in the skull ... all yours. Filterless and staggering under the onslaught of everyday volumes, a constant distraction. That nasty hum from the flourescents, the ping of a dozen computers, 3 different tunes and several conversations all bounced into your dull beige cubicle brain.

Where was I?

No wonder I talk to my plants.

perceptions

Heel scritches the curbway.
Vertiginous jolt and stumble, barely recovered.
Head snaps, hair swings and vertabrae crackle.
Did anyone see me?

"We did."
Park kids poking sticks.
Woman caged by her body's obsolescence.
Afraid that response evokes pack instinct.
Survey the threat and head drops, slump-shouldered in utter defeat.
She shuffles away.

A corner turned, harsh laugh barks through silent tears.
Head up, subservience sloughed as water on steel.
Photographic memory is a wondferful thing she tells the constable.

april the deuce

I am finally getting back to some sort of "normal" schedule. Well I still don't sleep a hell of a lot, but I'm fairly sure that I have already made up for that over the last few months. I have managed to catch up with a lot of my friends the past week and even though you know you missed them, you don't really Know you MISSED them till you see them again. It make sme happy.

It is weird to only be working afternoons, but I will be back to the regular hours come Monday and that will be even better. It is way easier to eat breakfast when I get up early for work and then I'm actually hungry at lunch-time, not 2 in the pm and 10 o'clock at night.

off to bed to stare at the ceiling, have a great hump day!

(fraturday is the day after)

April fool's

I decided not to torment anyone this morning;)

5 on the 27th : girlfriends

We used to be such great friends until you hermitized yourself away. I'm sorry I could not be everything you needed me to be. I've tried to call but you changed your cell number and have no landline. I cannot find your address to write you a letter. I miss you.

You make me want to smile and dance every time I see you. You have this open handed generosity that supercedes that of everyone I have ever known. Your ups and downs and continual questioning let me know that it's okay to be confused sometimes. You throw a great freaking party! Just remember that you do need to take time for yourself once in a while. smooches.

Your smile can brighten up the whole place when you let it out. Your sense of the absurd is delicious and makes me laugh. You remind me of myself 15 years ago. Don't work too hard, money is great but we do have to have a few limits. Did you know that you have this precious little gurgle in your laugh that triggers laughter in others? Thanks.

Your adaptability and inner strength are amazing, yet you perceive yourself as weak? Love is a wonderful and betimes nasty hook into other peoples lives and none of us can be everything to everyone. You wit matches your intelligence and your writing is amazing. Watching you get trampled by uncaring bastards drives me crazy but you manage to keep poking your head up through the grunge and carry on. Intestinal Fortitude you have in spades my fried. You make me appreciate life more.

Well Miss Sunshine you are quite simply a "lovely gel". Your sense of honour appeals to me. Your love of music and need to belong to a community is a wonderful thing. You are such a GREAT mom, never doubt it. Whenever I see you the intervening time just swooshes away and my day is always brighter for your appearance. Woot!

la la la loverly ...

the sun wa sshining, the wind below a gale ... my knee didn't give out on the way to work. There were only 2 letters waiting for me and a bunch of people who took the time to come and say hi, and that they were glad I was back. Apparently it has ben vewy vewy qwiet. I felt so good after getting through the 475 emails in my mailbox that I decided to attempt to purchase a new pair of jeans ( a situation that Abigail would surely understand). I determined a budget of $150 for a pair of walking shoes suitable for work, a new top and a pair of jeans.

I came home with a pair of jeans, a smashing pair of chocolate brown velvet brushed cords, 4 tops (3 with sparklies and one beribboned & reembroidered), 2 pair of pretty panties, a pair of black walking shoes and a some vintage looking white shades, for less than $150. So I treate dmyself to lunch and a pint with the change.

happy happy dayliola ...

trepidatious ...

Why can I not find a single thing to wear on my first day back to work (BIG YAY) in 2 months? I have all the same clothes I had when I went off work. I weigh only 7 or 8 pounds lighter - which is nothing. I have included some spring themed wardrobe pieces put away for the winter of which my friends remind me, I mostly missed the worst (little yay.) I am not happy with any of my choices. This is probably fall out from too many episodes of waht not to wear. Pant or skirt, hmmm visions of razors, we'll go with pants. Jeans or dress pants, jeans are warmer and it's still a little chilly out there and it does take me a little longer to walk to work. Now... blouse, t-shirt, sweater, hoody or jacket? Too many choices and I realized through the hunt that I need A. a new bra B. a new pair of jeans and C. new walking shoes. AND a haircut. Just where did I put that money tree?

Why on Thursday last when I had figured out what I would wear, did I not realize A,B & C?

This would be one of my reasons for needing to get back to work. Staying at home you become rather insular, you lose grip with current events and get lost in the round of day to day housework and grocery lists and appointments etc. I feel like my brain has been sort of in a holding pattern at too high an altitude. But my knee feels pretty good.

So I want to go back to work, yet at the same time time I worry if I will be able to keep up. Something has snapped. It's like someone created a slow leak in the "passion for life" tank and the gasket goop I've been applying is just not cutting the mustard. I never felt a lack of confidence about my job before. The job hasn't changed. My skills may be a bit rusty but they're there. WTF?

so right now I am trepidatious.

what to do...

Spring is in the air and apparently it found the dk motivator switch OR she finally got so bored she seriously started looking for things to do. Not even reading can grab her attention for more than 20 minutes or so.
On St Paddy's day my doctorola gave me the green to go back to work next Tuesday. BIG FREAKING YAY! I'm sure that helped the getupandgogo levels.

All the plantage has been debrided of its detritus and some moved to better views.
I not only installed two shelves that I couldn't put in the bathroom (hollow 100 year old gumbo and wire grill walls)in the living room window but actually REMEMBERED there was a third and got it happening as well.
Quite smashing, they are shiny stainless steel rounded bars. As I was searching in the closet of projects that had gone to hell, I also found the lovely matching swing arm towel rack ... same wall support issue ... I was thinking laundry hanger, hanger, plant hanger that will let me hang plants in the obtuse angle in the living room without attempting to drill the cement slab ceiling that is underneath more 100 year old plaster (you can just see the disaster shaping up there can't you?).
Dusting and sweeping were commenced on Wednesday last and as I look down my hardwood hallway today I wonder why I bothered.
I have gone for a short walk every day.I can do 2 flights of stairs before the knee starts to pull from strain, I actually managed to do laundry today and that's 2 flights 6 times with an hour rest between - not so bad - but that's it for the stairs today. I certainly won't be doing the watusi any time soon.
The bathroom elbow joint is still dripping however, and I think the tub tap is on it's way there as well.
Going the the dotter's tonight to do eggs and take pictures of tomorrow's bunny madness, and turkey dinner ... mmmmm.

Hoppy Bunny Day to all.

and now it's 6:15

hmmmm - time to make coffee - tried to go to bed again, even tried reciting the multiplication x5 tables (works for a friend of mine) but no shut eye for this cat. I did however note that there are 3 drill holes from my last futile attempts at installing hooks and plant hangers that I need to fill. (never mind plaster, the beams are cement over huge wood timbers and some tough unknown shit from 1914), right under the layer of plaster. Even a cement bit wouldn't chew through it.

Then I also noticed that I had not finished the painting effect in the bedroom because I am not yet stable on a ladder. Then it was on to I should reorganize all my furniture (too heavy to do alone and will wake up the downstairs neighbours), and the various configurations possible, none of which pleased me. I know! I'll paint the other 2 walls and the ceiling ... hmmm what shade of yellow should I use now, something lighter I think (currently buddha gold)and then it was back to the ladder thing. Which of course led my brain to my terminally cabinetless kitchen and then off to dream cabinets.dk with oak and punched tin and my new sink that's been in my clost for 4 years now (at least I got the taps installed last year). And cabinets and deep pot drawers and counterspace ... just a minute ...
What is that noise? Oh yes the new drip in the tub faucet ...

You can see how useful that exercize was. Onward ho, it's Saturday.

3 am

So here it is.almost 3 in the morning and I am awake and not tired at all - again. Not tired but the brain is in a frenzy tired. Not caffeine (only 2 cups today) or sugar (I don't eat sugar though those Easter chocolates are lookin' pretty tasty) wired tired. Not I've been up so long I can't shut down tired. Just plain awake. My mind is calm, I'm a little hungry, I'm not particularly stressed but apparently tonight I do not need sleep. I want to sleep. I spent 2 hours lying with my eyes closed waiting for sleep to come and visit. But no.

I'm sure I will be tired when I take the boneshaker to visit my son's new apartment. In fact somewhere along Albert Street I expect I will start doing the nod and pray to the hundred little gods that I do not miss my stop (Has happened several times). And I am sure that I will be even more tired by tomorrow afternoon. In fact if I can manage it I will be so tire tomorrow night from trying to stay awake so that I can sleep Saturday night, that I will then become too tired and will find myself in the same predicament as I do now (worst case scenario).

And by the way - naps don't work either. If I nap for less than an hour I just want to go back to sleep. If I nap for 3 hours, my body thinks it's morning when I get up. At this rate when I'm 70 I'll only be sleeping 3 hours a day/night whatever - like it will matter - I'll be 70 and do what I want when I want.

Not bad managed to stay focused for a whole 17 minutes. I think I will go read a book.

100

This year if I add up my kids and my ages it equals 100 years of accumulated ... what, wisdom? Hah! I think I'll go with cumulative experience.

Bit of a sprain in the ligament on the side of my knee. Thank you bathtub. Everyone thought it was strong enough ... not quite. I have managed to walk 4 blocks sans the cane - BIG progress as far as I'm concerned - it's always falling down and getting in the way. They should make a telescoping cane with more tensile strength so you can fold it up when you are seated. Like the white canes for the blind, only stronger. I've spoken to a fair number of elderly people in my shuffles to the store and we all think it's a grand idea. Someone please run with it ... heh heh.

life sucks

it's gravity's fault.

5x20 questions

In lieu of any brilliant discussion I will take Madame Diva's lead and answer 100 misc. questions about myself. Thank you Diva baby, cause the brain is about dead.


1. How old will you be in five years?
51

2. Who did you spend at least two hours with today?
Myself, we all had a great time.

3. How tall are you?
I used to be 5'7" but apparently gravity and centrifugal force are not my friends and I have shrunk to 5' 6 1/2"

4. What do you look forward to most in the next six weeks?
Having a knee that works, a leg that supports me and getting back to work.

5. What's the last movie you saw?
The Bucket List - laugh till you cry and then laugh through the tears.

6. Who was the last person you called?
Mandy, my dotter.

7. Who was the last person to call you?
Chris for Murray's new number.

8. What was the last text message you received?
Rod crackbooked me one "That's beatiful" about a limmerick I wrote the other day.

9. Who was the last person to leave you a voicemail?
Paul, Deb's son about last minute moving arrangements.

10. Do you prefer to call or text?
I do not text, but I email.

11. What were you doing at 12am last night?
In the shower.

12. Are your parents married/separated/divorced?
Divorced when I was 14 and both remarried.

13. When is the last time you saw your mom?
Over 15 years ago at her funeral, or her picture right by the phone at least 10 times a day.

14. What color are your eyes?
Blueish to greenish depends on what I'm wearing and how I'm feeling.

15. What time did you wake up today?
6 and went backto sleep until 7:45

16. What are you wearing right now?
My favorite jammies

17. What song are you listening to right now?
Iggy Pop - Shades.

18. Where is your favorite place to be?
On the beach/deck.

19. Where is your least favorite place to be?
Lawyer's.

20. Where would you go if you could go anywhere?
Lhasa, Kathmandu, Daramsala, Bangkok, Bora Bora, Bali, the South Pacific, Australia, China, Japan, Jerusalem, Amsterdam, British Isles.

21. Where do you think you'll be in 10 years?
Making retirement travel plans and at My grandotter's grade 12 grad.

22. Where is your cellphone?
Gone gone gone - I only like them when I want to use them.

23. What did you fear was going to get you at night as a child?
I didn't, I had an imaginary friend that kept watch.

24. What was the last thing that really made you laugh?
Robin's last comment on crackbook. I laugh alot.

25. How many TVs do you have in your house?
1 - Living room.

26. How big is your bed?
Big enough ;)

27. Do you have a laptop or desktop computer?
Multiples.

28. Do you sleep with or without clothes on?
Living alone naked, with room mates - Tshirt or jammies

29. What color are your sheets?
French floral.

30. How many pillows do you sleep with?
1 body pillow, 4 reg pillows and 2 peach softy chenille pillows that my grandkids and my son are always trying to nab.

31. What is your favorite season?
Summertime ... an the livin' is eeeasyyyyy.

32. What do you like about fall?
My birthday and hallowe'en.

33. What do you like about winter?
Irish coffee and fireplaces.

34. What do you like about the summer?
Heat and the deck.

35. What do you like about spring?
Packing away the socks.

36. How many states/provinces have you lived in?
3 - Sk, Mb, Ont for the most part.

37. What cities/towns have you lived in?
Winnipeg Brandon Fort Frances Neilberg Estevan Regina Saskatoon (and a couple of weeks each in a variety of others)

38. Do you prefer shoes, socks, or bare feet?
bare feet. I got to wear bare feet 4 times in February - WHOO HOO. Just be sure to moisturize.

39. Are you a social person?
I am a social butterfly.

40. What was the last thing you ate?
Vanilla yogurt - Activia.

41. What is your favorite restaurant?
The one at the Bali Hilton.

42. What is your favorite ice cream?
Mayan CHocolate - Hagen Das

43. What is your favorite dessert?
dkz death by chocolate cheesecake and donnakayke which is this frozen lemony cream pound cake that tastes like lemon merengue pie, homemade fisheye pudding and buttertart pie.

44. What is your favorite kind of soup?
Homemade. Seafood chowder especially with giant scallops.

45. What kind of jelly do you like on your PB & J sandwich?
Homemade raspberry.

46. Do you like Chinese food?
Real or North Americanized? I do not like chicken feet.

47. Do you like coffee?
Dark and thick.

48. How many glasses of water, a day, do you drink on average?
6-8

49. What do you drink in the morning?
A glass of water, Sunrype fruit and veggie juice, then coffee.

50. What was the name of your first pet?
It was a rabbit, and I don't know (3years) and then a pony (also don't know)

51. Do you sleep on a certain side of the bed?
I sleep all over the bed.

52. Do you know how to play poker?
Yup.

53. Do you like to cuddle?
Don't you?

54. Have you ever been to Mexico?
Alas I have yet to make it to Senor Frog's.


55. Do you have an addictive personality?
Oh yeah, start with coffee and chocolate.

56. Do you eat out or at home more often?
Home, I cook.

57.Where is #57?
On the Heinz 57 steak sauce bottle.


58. Do you know anyone with the same birthday as you?
Only one.

59. Do you want kids?
Not yours, do you want mine?

60. Do you speak any other languages?
English, pigdin, drunkish alittle French, a soupcon of italian and I know how to swear in swedish gaelic german hindi parsi and chinese. Love languages.

61. Have you ever gotten stitches?
Last ones were for my knee surgery in January.

62. Have you ever ridden in an ambulance?
Yes, after a car accident when I was 15.

63. Do you prefer an ocean or a pool?
Ocean

64. Do you prefer a window seat or an aisle seats?
Plane-window, anything else the aisle.

65. Do you know how to drive stick?
Yup.

66. What is your favorite thing to spend money on?
My grnads and my friends and electronica.

67. Do you wear any jewelry 24/7?
My earrings, 8 of them anyhow.

68. What is your favorite TV show?
Toss up, if there's dancing singing or humour involved ... and my guilty secret "What Not To Wear"

69. Can you roll your tongue?
Oh yeah!

70. Who is the funniest person you know?
That's a toughie because the crew I hang with are pretty hilarious.

71. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?
tNo, unless the grandkids are over, they bring their own.

72. What is the main ring tone on your phone?
It's a wall phone, it sounds like a phone.

73. Do you still have clothes from when you were little?
All gone.

74. What red object is closest to you right now?
The Official Scrabble dictionary.

75. Do you turn off the water while you brush your teeth?
yes, until I rinse.

76. Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed?
Doesn't matter.

77. Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of bees?
A bear, I have a better chance of getting away.

78. Do you flirt a lot?
Not really.

79. What do you dip a chicken nugget in?
I don't eat them, but chicken fingers get mayo.

80. What is your favorite food?
Seafood, wild meat and creamy sauces.

81. Do you know how to change the oil in a car?
Yes, I used to do my owncar maintenance.

82. Have you ever gotten a speeding ticket?
Yes 2. One they threw out and the other I worked bingos to pay off.

83. Have you ever run out of gas?
Sure when I shared a car.

84. What is your usual bedtime?
What is usual?

85. What was the last book you read?
A feast for crows: Gearge Martin

86. Do you read the newspaper?
At work, otherwise I get news from TV or online. I like trees.

87. Do you have any magazine subscriptions?
The Ikea annual catalog

88.Where is #88?
Right here.

89. Do you watch soap operas?
no

90. Do you dance in the car?
Everwhere.

91. What radio station did you last listen to?
The community radio station on the net, but I can't remember the call letters

92. Who's in the picture frame closest to you?
Framed, my grandkids, unframed Einstein.

93. What was the last note you scribbled on a piece of paper?
There once was a lonely olf witch
Whose fingers had a terrible itch
She soaked and bemoaned them
Honed and beboned them
and now she's a witch of a bitch.(I know, still inprogress)

94. What is your favorite candle scent?
Gardenia

95. What is your favorite board game?
Come on, only one - how about a theme: wordgames

96.Where is #96?
She left when agent 99 did

97. When was the last time you attended church?
About 6 weeks ago, before I had the knee fixed.

98. Who was your favorite teacher in high school?
Mr. Brown - the best "think out of the box" art teacher

99. What is the longest you have ever camped out in a tent?
About 10 days - much fun.

100. Who was the last person to do something extra special for you?
Renee who brought me this beeYOOtiful scarf and let me beat her at scrabble.

possibilities:

The Tv actually made me think. One of my favorite topics for discussion, how do you get into heaven ... if there is one? Inevitably someone gets passionate about their belief. Reaction intensity seems to be a reflection of that which one believes and describes what is truly the priority for that person.

One Ancient Egyptian belief was that at death one presented oneself at the "Gates of Heaven" and entry was dependent upon the lately alive's response to two simple questions:
1. Have you found joy in your life?
2. Has your life brought joy to others?
I really like those questions. What a brilliant way to value a life well lived.
Hmmmm...

5 on the 27th: children (late - bygones ;)

1. I see you attempting to make your life sustainable and you make me proud. Every wandering step taken towards independence puts you that much closer to your goals. Well most of the time, but 2 steps forward and 1 back still takes you forward. Sometimes the path to your goals seems unending and fraught with roadblocks, they are not insurmountable. Remember, I love you all ways and always.

2. You treat your mother with less respect than a nonsmoker for a cigarette butt flicked randomly out the window from a passing vehicle, and then cry the blues when your life tumbles once again into the abyss of your own addictions and self-delusion. You scream and cry like a five year old child demanding assistance without once considering the feelings or other responsibilities of those trying to provide you with a solution. You are a bitter and twisted soul and need to realize that your answers are inside yourself should you ever find the cohones to wade into that valley of personal darkness. You believe you are the center of the universe, get over yourself, you're not that important.

3. You can only be the best mom you can be and you are a good one. You participate in every facet of their lives and seek to instill ethical values that will allow them to reach their greatest potential. You KNOW that the structure you are attempting to provide will stand them in good stead in the future. You love them and they see it in your words and actions, and though they may not appreciate limitations now, they will in 20 years or so. Just remember you cannot be everything, yet you are everything to them and to me.

4. Undemanding and unpretentious you plug along and are now beginning to reap the rewards of your own efforts. You have succeeded in completing the first few hurdles and now reach for the unknown future with heart and mind. While it is good to reference the past for lessons learned, do not let it way lay your intentions, and keep your eyes on the path in front of you. When I think of you and all you have and will achieve it makes me smile. Remember that your mommy loves you as do I.

5. You hold onto past history like a dog worrying a favorite bone. Then in all of your righteous glory but without any corroborating FACT, you assume an act was not only purposeful but premeditated. After maligning my character with others, over a month later you still had not breathed one word of your discomfort to me, nor given me a chance to explain. To ice the cake you ignore my apology and in doing so treat me as if I am less than nothing. Please just ask yourself WHY would I do such a thing, I do not treat people like that.

overprocessing

Have you ever seen the Movie "My Girl?" It was made before McCauley's ego got the better of him. A corny but poignant story of a little girl lost. I've seen it several times and every single time my eyes leak, my heart cracks and sadnees creeps in on its silent deadly little feet.
My granddotter (7 almost 8) came for a sleepover tonight and brought two movies, "My Girl" and "Little Mermaid 2". She wanted to watch My Girl, and I was all for Little Mermaid 2. I didn't want to watch My Girl, actually I just did not want to ride the emotional roller coaster but there was simply no swaying her. She loves that movie and it doesn't make her cry. I don't get it.
At the age of 7 she would rather watch a story about an 11 year old girl (Veda) whose mom died just 2 days after she was born and is afraid that she is the one who killed her, who lives with her dad the mortician who prepares dead people in the basement and is more comfortable with them than live people, her grandma whose mind has wandered off alone and belts out 30s torch songs randomly, whose crush on her teacher is revealed and immediately destroyed on the same day her best friend is buried, when the last thing she did to her best friend was push him down and tell him off because she just got her first period...
Though it does end fairly well it amazes me that themes of loss and fear engage my granddotter so. After I sat down and thought about it, I realized that she cannot possibly see what I do in the movie as she does not have MY life experience, she's only 7. What she probably sees is best friends, bike rides and tree climbing, a family that cares and a new mom for Veda. Then maybe she sees a little about how to deal with loss and that death is a part of life.
So I asked her this morning what it was about the movie that she loved so much.

Direct quote, "Veda is so cool and she lives in a house with her dead mother and grandma who sings any time she feels like it."

My lesson in over processing relates to the difference between innocence and experience and how as adults we just make things too complicated.

leftovers

My knee keeps itching on the outside which it should not be doing at this point. I took a loofa to it in the shower (no baths yet as I don't think I'll be able to get up and out) and lo and behold what do I find? A white surgical stitch embedded in the skin. Now they told me that the stitches were dissolving ones - really. However I did rip a stitch out when I woke up before they got the throat tube out, at which point I ENTIRELY freaked right out on the table since I thought I was suffocating/dying and was trying to yell arms waving and pull tubes and get off the table and trying to kick people - and it apparently took 3 people to hold me down until they could get some more sleepy juice into my system.
The point being that this must be the emergency fix it up stitch that I have found. Today is 1 month since the surgery and neither doctors, surgeons nor physiotherapists (ALL who have had a better view of my knee up close and personal) ever mentioned having to have it removed. After a consultation with the professor it was off to the medicinal cabinetry, find the puller outers and with a few good yanks, voila, I set it free.
I need to get out of this house. It's been a rough couple of days and I need to see some sunshine. Handy cane and I, along with the professor are going out to find some sunshine, maybe share a greasewheel and ponder the magnificence of the bubbles at the bottom of a genius. It has been too long.

witsend ... & it wasn't a long trip

I thought I had it together.
The body is healing well albeit slowly. The financial house is gaining relative order, also going slowly. The weightloss is following suit. I am still in the process of stopping smoking - more like a "slowdown" there as well. Hmmm sounds like a theme.
Today it seemed like hours were minutes and that months and years had simply flashed by without notice. Have you ever noticed that when loss is imminent everything except your focus comes to a semi standstill? Conversations lapse midstream as your concentration falters. A ringing phone puts your heart into your mouth so you can barely choke out hello. Surrounded by your friends you find yourself transmogrified to a a great lump of useless nothing on a dark grey plain, anchorless with an endless expanse of quicksand awaiting your solitary steps, but not for long.
One of the voices within urging for optimistic "It'll be okay", with Baal's nasty sprite chuckling behind his grubby little paw "for now..." Torn between the morbid anticipation of pain to come and the release of loss.
Strident laughter false and twisted, meaningless smiles meant to sooth or comfort, and the bitter truth that it is a selfish goad that prods those sore spots nurtured over decades. I want I need. Self-recrimination " I should have could have," but did not. Questions gnawing for release at the back of your throat, bile almost thrusting them into a public forum before you will have to live with them unanswered.
Self-control that brightest of virtues and most virulent measure of self-immolation. The burning drive to keep the lid on a boiling emotional cauldron knowing that you are burning yourself in order to protect others from suffering an eruption of your repressed rage.

And it's only a maybe. wtf.

winter wonderland

... so long as you aren't trying to drive a vehicle or walk anywhere Hah! By the hundred little gods it's white out there. At least the temperature isn't too bad though it'll be frosty tonight and tomorrow.

Damn, I have to be at the hospital tomorrow at 8am to do the post-op with my surgeon ... think I better put in a time call for the taxi this evening.

I had run out of several grocery items and determined that I would make a foray to the grocery store this morning. Stretch the knee a bit you know. DUMB DUMB DUMB. By the time I had worked my way to the frozen food section I wanted to grab a bag of peas and duct tape them to my knee. I also discovered that it is extremely difficult to determine where curbs are, even WITH the cane, when there is 12 inches of snow covering everything. Oh yes, and just how did I think I was getting the freaking bags up the stairs ???? so I paid the cab driver to do it, though he grumbled all the way about not being a delivery service, at least they made it to the house and I could drag them down the longhall to the kitchen.

The savory scent of home made spaghetti sauce is wafting through the office now, and it is making me hungry. Patience, it needs to simmer a few hours to be really tasty.

Happy Valentine's Day to y'all

savia's revenge ;)

In return for tagging my friend Saviabella with the 7 strange or weird list she has tagged me with the following:
Pick up the nearest book at least 123 pages in length. Go to page 123, find the 5th sentence and post the next 3 sentences.

Selected Prose: T.S.Eliot
The 6th sentence begins on page 123, included its entirety;
"One is when we isolate him, when we try to understand the rules of his own game, adopt his own point (end of page, flipping to 124), of view; the other, perhaps less usual, is when we measure him by outside standards, most pertinently by the standards of language and of something called Poetry, in our own language and in the whole history of European literature.

All good things for the Savia as she undergoes jaw surgery in toontown! Now I am off to Tag some others and spread the wealth.

Abigail
That girl
Pop Culture Sculpture
FlowerGirl
Schmutzie

7 random or weird things about the wench

my friend schmutzie tagged me with this

The rules are as follows:

Link to the person who tagged you

Post the rules on your blog.

Share seven random and/or weird facts about yourself on your blog.

Tag seven random people at the end of your post, and include links to their blogs.

Leave a comment on their blogs so that they know they have been tagged.

7 random or weird things about the wench

1. MMmmmm, peanut butter on hot dogs.
2. Alias: empress of organized clutter.
3. I am revising my kitchen reno plans once again.
4. I am very proud of my sister Patty.
5. I broke my arm on the first day of summer holidays at the end of grade two. I had this clunkity plaster cast all summer. I saved the cast, took it to school for "Show & Tell" but wore it at school for 2 weeks before I was caught. I was 7.
   
6. I think my most vulnerable weakness is needing to be needed. I find it very hard to say no.
   
7. Having read several comments from respected sources, I am reintroducing the use of Capital letters. For those who know, thanks for the suggestions.
   

The following people are now officially tagged:

Abigail

Knuckletoes

Pocket Buddha

That Girl

Saviabella

La Diva

Smyrish

ye gods & little fishes

whine whine whine (insert favorite cusswords here)

Knee bone connected to the hip bone my ass, no really - it is a pain in the ass. As the hip socket works to deal with the changes to the way my knee is seated ... holy crap ... it feels like my hip is right out of joint. No one told me about this. Nor did anyone think to warn me that after the knee starts to feel just a bit better that I would start to get charlie horses in my calf and that the front of my shin would get this burning sensation. No, nothing is wrong, that is just the HEALING PROCESS. Meh!

Yesterday I could not get comfortable for more than 10 minutes and I felt like the wolf who drags its hind leg with the trap still attached to it. I'm bored, I'm bitchy, and I miss my friends.

Have you ever noticed that the smell of clean laundry induces sleep? I want a lemon filled honey dipped bismark from Safeway (another whine). Who else detests Window$ Vi$ta - what a load of crap. It's very hard to provide tech support for an OS that a) you haven't used b) don't want to use c) the user keeps clicking ahead without telling you what they have done and you are not on a vidphone.

made the stairs

I did have to rest at the landing though. Think I did too much, didn't consider the uneven terrain.

Random chaos.

ciao

end of week 2

The moon must be full/empty. I just got the sleep cycle turned back around and it went all awry once again. Up all night, falling asleep in the morning and then up around noon. Semisomnolent. Is that a word? Yes it is (sometimes I get lucky.)

My nemesis the dreaded staircase is on the todo list as I have to go outside. It appears that when one joint's seat is adjusted all the others that are connected are a tad resistant to change and apparently need to be beaten into submission. Down will be okay but I'm not sure about up.

Another strange come-uppance is my body's unconscious sway/tilt to the right when I step off the healing leg. Even my body is silently protesting the bendage of said supposedly bendy part. I find myself having to pay particular attention to step properly and keep myself verticle instead of the Pisa-like lean I temporarily acquire. I would imagine the gait looks something like a temple tent on the back of a camel going uphill over a dune while trying to outrun a sand storm, or perhaps I am practicing the zombie shuffle ... yeah, real graceful.

There IS a limit of too much interweb. It is a constantly varied limit for each individual and you will know it when you have reached it, hopefully before you have passed it. Subsequently the interweb can also offer hours of communication, entertainment, information, and mindless occupation when used in moderation.

I decided I have to release my dream of a hermitage in the Himalyas/Himalayas or a trek to Lhasa (ah grand self delusions), not ever going to happen. I wonder what it was that prompted me to add that to the wish list so long ago? Escape surely... reminders of choices made, that long sought freedom that looks so possible when we are young, yet seems more intangible with every breath.

... my my, where did those filters go?

one week later

I just realized I missed my 5 on the 27th (Abigail & I decided that was the limit we could successfully accomplish with regards to the 365 project)so I will catch up on that shortly.

the bandages are off, there do not appear to be any complications externally though the incision site has been a little warm since yesterday and I think I may have a low grade fever - ice ice baby. will keep an eye on it as the last thing that I need now is a suprainfection. el doctoro warned me that i may take a little longer than normal to heal and i need to exercise my patience.
i'm using a cane and can now take small but shuffling steps to get myself around. the knee still feels kind of smushy when i stand on 2 feet so I will take the expert's advice, "if it hurts stop". i also tried to do a couple of stairs - it felt like the knee was going to smuch sideways or collapse entirely and there were some new strange noises emitting from it - which kicked in my fear of falling down the stairs and wrecking my knee entire, so that will have to wait a bit yet - which sucks because the stircraziness is starting to set in.
enough of my whining, suffice to say that it continues to improve.

my belated 5:

Mr. Brown you were the best art teacher I ever had. You saw that I was bored and took the time to teach me all kinds of skills not included in the curriculum - from charcoal, pastels and pen and ink to silk screening and painting with water colours, oils and washes on an unending variety of textures. My creative urge thanks you 30 years later, I'm still adding to the pot.
Mrs.Orsted I can only hope that this generation has English teachers that engage students the way that you did. When someone was having trouble grasping what you were trying to get across, you simply found a different means to describe it. i remember the video productions from that year's novels (before computers) that you had us do as one of the best parts of my education.
Madamoiselle Brezdan you lit a fire under me that still drives me today to better understand other languages and cultures, and it was your influence that led me to enroll my children in French Immersion, which my grandchildren are currently also participating in.
to the nameless Mount Argosy skiing instructor who showed us the basics, put us on the tow rope and did not really explain hoe to GET THE HELL OFF. I ended up at the top of the advanced hill. who had never down hill skied before, and by sheer unadulterated luck and perhaps some assistance from the hundred little gods, managed to make it to the bottom going so fast that i got stuck in the snow wall at the bottom of the hill missing only one pole, 1 mitt and 2 of my nine lives. what the fuck were you thinking buddy?
Dr Ambrosi, you showed me that good science done accurately can overcome ingrained gender bias and teach both old dogs and young pups new tricks (though i still chuckle at the vision of you in your elmer fudd hat).