May 27, 2010

grey skies

and so many of my friends and occasionally myself are taking on the morose and heavy texture of the clouds that have trappe dus in a coastal but coastless miasma of cold and dank that has stretched too far already.

Dear Father Nature:

Smarten the fuck up. Release Mr. Sunshine from your house of gloom and banish MR. Cloudy Pants off to someplce that needs him like - I don't know - a desert.


May 24, 2010

hahahah - my horoscope for today

It might feel as if an emotional storm is subsiding, but the squalls will continue to come and go. Fortunately, you're able to weave a tapestry in your imagination from the fragments of fantasies to create a new vision for the next phase of your life. Don't worry if your dreams are not realistic; you don't need to come up with a plan yet. For now, this is just an exercise to prepare you for what's ahead.

Why am I not surprised?

Making the plans anyway.

Happy MAY DAY, all hail the goddess of fecundity.

May 17, 2010

monday is over

stubbed my toe on the way to the car.
caught my hair in the seat belt pulley
the entrance bar to the parkade did not raise when I took my ticket, or a second one so me and two cars behind me had to back up into rush hour traffic to take the other entrance.
I locked my keys IN the car for the first time ever.

the fon-in-law brought my extra keys
I actually found a pair of shoes that won't look hideous with a dress and are still good for my feet.
I met my son's strange but very lovable puppy Castro
I got hugs from the grands.

always looking for the balance

May 14, 2010

Dear Mr. Sunshine

You had me at hello.

May 13, 2010

courage ... on a small scale

I have a wedding to go to in 2 weeks. While I am on a slow but steady loss it's not near what I wanted it to be. So I decided I would splurge and buy myself a new girly wedding etc worthy confection. I enjoy shopping - I do not enjoy the trying on part because I am rarely satisfied with what I see in the mirror. We all know how that feels.

So I've spent about 6 hours in dress shops this week and here is the result.

NADA!blech! meh!

I have three - yes three dresses that I wanted to purchase and ALL three had something wrong with the construction. My favorite was a floaty layered chiffon in muted semi pastels but they'd sewn the outer layers to the back zipper so the end of the zipper does an outward pucker and it looks like I've got a tail hiding under there. You get the picture.

So tonight, knowing that there are several possibilities in the back of my closet that have not fit since my knee surgery and consequent lack of exercise & mass increase, I took a REALLY deep breath (I didn't actually want to know if they DIDN'T fit),I pushed the every day stuff aside, and elbowed my way to the "I only wish" rack. I hauled out the 2 outfits that fit 2 years ago and just stood there staring at them. Alarm bells ringing in my head, my self confidence jibbering away in a corner, I considered my options.

The conversation in my head went something like this:and yes there is more than one voice ;)

If it does fit will I wear it? They're both black and white - summer weight - still in fashion, both have tulip skirting though one is more tailored the other is pretty short (for me that's anything just above the knee). Floaty cap sleeves or sleeveless with jet bling. They both go with the shoes, but it's too short, and they fit close to the body, you'll look like a sausage sotto voice remember those pictures? Maybe I should go back and get that other dress anyhow, I can fix it - but do you really want to? No you don't. Chicken. Oh for the gods sakes do it.

Just ____________ blank space as I pull the dress over my head. It does feel short. Not as short as the LBD. Okay it feels good but weird to have the material so close. Oh well, nothing for it go look in the mirror. It fit.

The sheer relief that wafted through me was heaven. Hmph. Okay, block off how you feel about YOUR body, take a mental pace backwards and look at the body in the dress. Okay - still sausagelike, a little lumpy. where's the spanx? No I don't want to deal with that gargantuan task right now, but it would improve it.You'd probably get stuck in them. Enough.

I was almost looking forward to trying the other on.

Next - the sleeveless - 2 pieces - really nice skirt and the material is just the right weight to give it a bit of a swing when you walk. A little sassy. BUT it's sleeveless. Then there's the wobbly bits (and not the good kind either), a little lace shawl would fix that and I'm pretty sure there's one in there. Love this neckline.

Where's that navy polka dot dress? Back to the mother lode - and there it is. I should have stopped right there. You always have to push it. A very critical once over. Princess line navy with small white polka dots, and white piping, mid calf, cotton, worn exactly 3 times. I'd need new shoes, but I love this dress. It's been 5 years since I wore it last but it's a classic.

And destined to remain so for a while longer I'm afraid. Almost, but no. Will I lose enough to fit it in 2 weeks? MWAHAHAHAHA, Sure you will. I will. You'll try. Be realistic.

Probably the 2 piece then. Feeling a bit better about myself than when I'd started, tempered with the understanding that I am weak, and I love food that is bad for me.

I will try.

P.S. Apparently I was buying a new dress so that I didn't have to risk knowing the truth. I win.

May 11, 2010

simply workhausted

change is eternal ...

May 09, 2010

carlin and stuff

I was thinking about you today George. And about stuff. And how when I was struggling as a single mom, or the primary bread winner, accumulating more stuff used to make me feel better, more secure, and it would temporarily stave of the fear and anxiety of walking the sword's edge between milk for the kids or busfare for work.

As I slowly dug myself out of the debt hole, I began to notice that the volume of newly acquired stuff had decreased but the value of the new stuff had logarithmically increased. But I still had ALL the other stuff too.

When I moved out of the place on Regent it took an entire semi moving truck, and the piano was moved separately, to a 3 bedroom townhouse on Lothian.I thought I had swept quite a bit of stuff away.

A year and a half later I was moving again and seriously downsizing to a 2 bedroom apartment for Mur and I and that was an eye opener. By the time I was done giving stuff away and filling both the loras trash bins - twice - it took only 2 trips with the step van to move our much reduced pile of stuff.

By this time I was starting a new single life once again and found that I wasn't trying to stave of the heartbreak by picking up so much new stuff.

So when I moved 2 years later to Forget Street I still had about the same amount of stuff plus the oak farm table, a computer and a renewed relationship with my 2nd husband.

On Forget St. I got some new kitchen stuff and grew a jungle of plants. The 2nd attempt at my 2nd marriage failed dismally and once he was gone I started tossing more stuff. Out with the old?

The move downtown did not require much sweeping but when I bought my condo a year later, I decided enough with the stuff. Appliances, furniture, knick knacks, bric-a-bracs and never used glassware, as well a closet full of clothes that didn't fit and about 60 boxes of books went by the boards. I find that almost strange now since I was actually moving into a bigger space.

And now I've been in my condo for 7 years. The storage room is fairly full, but I must say it's mostly my roommate's stuff and camping gear. Most of the new stuff have been gifts and I have started to collect some original art. I still have a couple of boxes worth of bric-a-brac but there are memories attached to them - they aren't just stuff. Hopefully in the next year or so my shelves will get built and that will give me a place to display them all together (and keep away some of the dust).

So now I'm working on ORGANIZING the stuff I have left. Arts supplies and crafting materials, sewing doodads and the books galore that are perched on every flat and some not so flat surfaces in my room. Need to get the luggage to the storeroom and sort out the mishmash on the dresser top. Then it's clear the rest of the closet time and a trip through the tickle trunk.

So thank you George for words to live by, we miss you.

May 07, 2010

good morning sunshine

Aaaahhhhhhh. and add a WOOP WOOP, 5 hours sleep for the third day in a row. If only I didn't have to go to work today. No snow on the car this morning YAY!

Without looking to borrow trouble, it appears that after a particularly grueling week at work, things may once again be within the bounds of control.

Here's hoping ;)

May 05, 2010


change is eternal ...

Dear Father Nature

C'mon - even you must be tired of snow by now. I cannot actually remember having to scrape my car windows on a May morning, though I do remember a couple of Lollapalooza snow storms in early May. Please make the snow go away before it freezes out all the flowers that are just ready to bloom.

I really would prefer rain.

May 04, 2010


After 4 rather sleepless nights I finally got 6 hours of sleep all in a row.

Thank you sand man.

Unfortunately the bags under my eyes do not appear to recognize that fact ;)

May 02, 2010

Mayday weekend

came and went with a birthday party for my 10 going on 20 year old grandotter with at trip to the beauty salon for her and 5 of her friends and a limo ride care of one of her dutch aunties, then it was off to the restaurant where her dad, uncle brother, great uncle and I decorated (good job guys) for pizza and angelfood cake with all the family including ex outlaws et al and she had a glorious time and got lots of girlie presents. Exactly what she wanted.

Along with family time came visits to friends long unvisited along with an evening with the ladies,and our biannual clean the closets swap meet. We recycle the gently used and donate all the rest to one of several charities who always need the goods. We had a great time.

I got home about 10:30 and the people downstairs were having ANOTHER party. so there were no parking spaces within a block of my house. AAARRGGHH! I figured I'd go crash at one of the kids places and no answers at either. I parked a block and a half away and waited for someone to leave as my parking pass limited me to the one downtown block that I live on. At 12:10 am I finally found a place, thank god I carry a book and a flashlight wherever I go. And then my insomnia kicked in.

At 4:14am exactly, the birds started singing. I last looked at the clock around 5:30 and woke up at 9. Determined to catch some more shut eye I put on the blinders and buried back into the covers only to be woken by 2 phone calls before 10. All chance of submerging myself into dreamland fled.

Grumpy and bitchy I got the magic coffee happening, and started on the long procrastinated process of sorting tossing the project mania end of my room. By noon, the loud base intermittent rumbling of what I can only guess is some kind of video/computer wargame began for the umpteenth day in a row to cause a thumping headache to begin to rage through the base of my skull. Being totally unprepared to be calm about it I left the condo to check out Denise's Purse and accessories sale and deliver some of the swapped goods I'd picked up for all and sundry. That done I headed back home to finish the unmessing of my boudoir and relax for the rest of my evening.

It was quiet when I got home around 5 - thank the hundred little gods, because if I'd had to deal with the noisemakers in the state I was in someone was going to need backup.

Not even an hour after my return the base kicked back in. Now don't get me wrong, I love drum and base when it's music, almost any KIND of music, but the continual thumping of what sounds like grenades or something blowing up is starting to drive me crazy, and making it a damn short trip.

I checked with my upstairs neighbours knowing fair well it wasn't them but the noise is omni directional and I can't really tell from the hall, even though I can feel the reverb in the soles of my feet on my hardwood. It was not coming from upstairs.

That only leaves the problematic under 25s living downstairs with whom I've already had several issues - twice I was coming homw while they were "entertaining" to find one of their guests pissing on the front of the building completely visible from the street - REALLY. Twice I've asked them to control their visitors and at least ask their guests not to be slamming doors and SCREAMING AROUND ON THE LAWN AFTER MIDNIGHT. Good grief I sound old, but honestly - it's an apartment building converted to condos so have some respect for your neighbours. And then there was the escaped cat who got into our place somehow and hid under my roommate's bed, which we didn't find and even the owners came in and called and searched. At least until the cat peed on my roommate's bed. Not the cat's fault really - it had been there almost 2 days. The owner's were upset that we expected them to pay for the cost of cleaning the NEW mattress especially since we are both allergic to cats. Which in the end after several pointed conversations and presentation of the bill, they did.

I decided after determining that the noise actually is coming from downstairs that I will have to talk to them tomorrow - cause if I do it tonight I will quite simply lose it.

They are still playing the game. It's almost midnite. I have to be up at 6 for work tomorrow.

On a positive note I DID get most of the unmessing complete.

improvise & overcome

... and why would I choose to associate myself with a term that most used used in a derogatory manner?
In order to change the meaning of a word or create a new meaning for a word, one must own the word. Over time and use the word may evolve to mean other than was originally intended & to that end...
my definition: an independent woman

dictionary definitions:

1. informal term for a (young) woman
2. an unsupervised umarried woman
3. a young woman or girl, esp. a peasant girl.
(usually facetious)
3. a woman servant
4. a wanton woman
5. Archaic: a strumpet
[Origin: 1250–1300; ME, back formation from wenchel, OE wencel child]

synonom :"dame"

Women Entitled to Nothing but Complete Happiness

International Wenches Guild

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