February 29, 2008


The Tv actually made me think. One of my favorite topics for discussion, how do you get into heaven ... if there is one? Inevitably someone gets passionate about their belief. Reaction intensity seems to be a reflection of that which one believes and describes what is truly the priority for that person.

One Ancient Egyptian belief was that at death one presented oneself at the "Gates of Heaven" and entry was dependent upon the lately alive's response to two simple questions:
1. Have you found joy in your life?
2. Has your life brought joy to others?
I really like those questions. What a brilliant way to value a life well lived.

5 on the 27th: children (late - bygones ;)

1. I see you attempting to make your life sustainable and you make me proud. Every wandering step taken towards independence puts you that much closer to your goals. Well most of the time, but 2 steps forward and 1 back still takes you forward. Sometimes the path to your goals seems unending and fraught with roadblocks, they are not insurmountable. Remember, I love you all ways and always.

2. You treat your mother with less respect than a nonsmoker for a cigarette butt flicked randomly out the window from a passing vehicle, and then cry the blues when your life tumbles once again into the abyss of your own addictions and self-delusion. You scream and cry like a five year old child demanding assistance without once considering the feelings or other responsibilities of those trying to provide you with a solution. You are a bitter and twisted soul and need to realize that your answers are inside yourself should you ever find the cohones to wade into that valley of personal darkness. You believe you are the center of the universe, get over yourself, you're not that important.

3. You can only be the best mom you can be and you are a good one. You participate in every facet of their lives and seek to instill ethical values that will allow them to reach their greatest potential. You KNOW that the structure you are attempting to provide will stand them in good stead in the future. You love them and they see it in your words and actions, and though they may not appreciate limitations now, they will in 20 years or so. Just remember you cannot be everything, yet you are everything to them and to me.

4. Undemanding and unpretentious you plug along and are now beginning to reap the rewards of your own efforts. You have succeeded in completing the first few hurdles and now reach for the unknown future with heart and mind. While it is good to reference the past for lessons learned, do not let it way lay your intentions, and keep your eyes on the path in front of you. When I think of you and all you have and will achieve it makes me smile. Remember that your mommy loves you as do I.

5. You hold onto past history like a dog worrying a favorite bone. Then in all of your righteous glory but without any corroborating FACT, you assume an act was not only purposeful but premeditated. After maligning my character with others, over a month later you still had not breathed one word of your discomfort to me, nor given me a chance to explain. To ice the cake you ignore my apology and in doing so treat me as if I am less than nothing. Please just ask yourself WHY would I do such a thing, I do not treat people like that.

February 24, 2008


Have you ever seen the Movie "My Girl?" It was made before McCauley's ego got the better of him. A corny but poignant story of a little girl lost. I've seen it several times and every single time my eyes leak, my heart cracks and sadnees creeps in on its silent deadly little feet.
My granddotter (7 almost 8) came for a sleepover tonight and brought two movies, "My Girl" and "Little Mermaid 2". She wanted to watch My Girl, and I was all for Little Mermaid 2. I didn't want to watch My Girl, actually I just did not want to ride the emotional roller coaster but there was simply no swaying her. She loves that movie and it doesn't make her cry. I don't get it.
At the age of 7 she would rather watch a story about an 11 year old girl (Veda) whose mom died just 2 days after she was born and is afraid that she is the one who killed her, who lives with her dad the mortician who prepares dead people in the basement and is more comfortable with them than live people, her grandma whose mind has wandered off alone and belts out 30s torch songs randomly, whose crush on her teacher is revealed and immediately destroyed on the same day her best friend is buried, when the last thing she did to her best friend was push him down and tell him off because she just got her first period...
Though it does end fairly well it amazes me that themes of loss and fear engage my granddotter so. After I sat down and thought about it, I realized that she cannot possibly see what I do in the movie as she does not have MY life experience, she's only 7. What she probably sees is best friends, bike rides and tree climbing, a family that cares and a new mom for Veda. Then maybe she sees a little about how to deal with loss and that death is a part of life.
So I asked her this morning what it was about the movie that she loved so much.

Direct quote, "Veda is so cool and she lives in a house with her dead mother and grandma who sings any time she feels like it."

My lesson in over processing relates to the difference between innocence and experience and how as adults we just make things too complicated.

February 22, 2008


My knee keeps itching on the outside which it should not be doing at this point. I took a loofa to it in the shower (no baths yet as I don't think I'll be able to get up and out) and lo and behold what do I find? A white surgical stitch embedded in the skin. Now they told me that the stitches were dissolving ones - really. However I did rip a stitch out when I woke up before they got the throat tube out, at which point I ENTIRELY freaked right out on the table since I thought I was suffocating/dying and was trying to yell arms waving and pull tubes and get off the table and trying to kick people - and it apparently took 3 people to hold me down until they could get some more sleepy juice into my system.
The point being that this must be the emergency fix it up stitch that I have found. Today is 1 month since the surgery and neither doctors, surgeons nor physiotherapists (ALL who have had a better view of my knee up close and personal) ever mentioned having to have it removed. After a consultation with the professor it was off to the medicinal cabinetry, find the puller outers and with a few good yanks, voila, I set it free.
I need to get out of this house. It's been a rough couple of days and I need to see some sunshine. Handy cane and I, along with the professor are going out to find some sunshine, maybe share a greasewheel and ponder the magnificence of the bubbles at the bottom of a genius. It has been too long.

February 21, 2008

witsend ... & it wasn't a long trip

I thought I had it together.
The body is healing well albeit slowly. The financial house is gaining relative order, also going slowly. The weightloss is following suit. I am still in the process of stopping smoking - more like a "slowdown" there as well. Hmmm sounds like a theme.
Today it seemed like hours were minutes and that months and years had simply flashed by without notice. Have you ever noticed that when loss is imminent everything except your focus comes to a semi standstill? Conversations lapse midstream as your concentration falters. A ringing phone puts your heart into your mouth so you can barely choke out hello. Surrounded by your friends you find yourself transmogrified to a a great lump of useless nothing on a dark grey plain, anchorless with an endless expanse of quicksand awaiting your solitary steps, but not for long.
One of the voices within urging for optimistic "It'll be okay", with Baal's nasty sprite chuckling behind his grubby little paw "for now..." Torn between the morbid anticipation of pain to come and the release of loss.
Strident laughter false and twisted, meaningless smiles meant to sooth or comfort, and the bitter truth that it is a selfish goad that prods those sore spots nurtured over decades. I want I need. Self-recrimination " I should have could have," but did not. Questions gnawing for release at the back of your throat, bile almost thrusting them into a public forum before you will have to live with them unanswered.
Self-control that brightest of virtues and most virulent measure of self-immolation. The burning drive to keep the lid on a boiling emotional cauldron knowing that you are burning yourself in order to protect others from suffering an eruption of your repressed rage.

And it's only a maybe. wtf.

February 13, 2008

winter wonderland

... so long as you aren't trying to drive a vehicle or walk anywhere Hah! By the hundred little gods it's white out there. At least the temperature isn't too bad though it'll be frosty tonight and tomorrow.

Damn, I have to be at the hospital tomorrow at 8am to do the post-op with my surgeon ... think I better put in a time call for the taxi this evening.

I had run out of several grocery items and determined that I would make a foray to the grocery store this morning. Stretch the knee a bit you know. DUMB DUMB DUMB. By the time I had worked my way to the frozen food section I wanted to grab a bag of peas and duct tape them to my knee. I also discovered that it is extremely difficult to determine where curbs are, even WITH the cane, when there is 12 inches of snow covering everything. Oh yes, and just how did I think I was getting the freaking bags up the stairs ???? so I paid the cab driver to do it, though he grumbled all the way about not being a delivery service, at least they made it to the house and I could drag them down the longhall to the kitchen.

The savory scent of home made spaghetti sauce is wafting through the office now, and it is making me hungry. Patience, it needs to simmer a few hours to be really tasty.

Happy Valentine's Day to y'all

February 12, 2008

savia's revenge ;)

In return for tagging my friend Saviabella with the 7 strange or weird list she has tagged me with the following:
Pick up the nearest book at least 123 pages in length. Go to page 123, find the 5th sentence and post the next 3 sentences.

Selected Prose: T.S.Eliot
The 6th sentence begins on page 123, included its entirety;
"One is when we isolate him, when we try to understand the rules of his own game, adopt his own point (end of page, flipping to 124), of view; the other, perhaps less usual, is when we measure him by outside standards, most pertinently by the standards of language and of something called Poetry, in our own language and in the whole history of European literature.

All good things for the Savia as she undergoes jaw surgery in toontown! Now I am off to Tag some others and spread the wealth.

That girl
Pop Culture Sculpture

February 08, 2008

7 random or weird things about the wench

my friend schmutzie tagged me with this

The rules are as follows:

  • Link to the person who tagged you
  • Post the rules on your blog.
  • Share seven random and/or weird facts about yourself on your blog.
  • Tag seven random people at the end of your post, and include links to their blogs.
  • Leave a comment on their blogs so that they know they have been tagged.

  • 7 random or weird things about the wench
    1. MMmmmm, peanut butter on hot dogs.
    2. Alias: empress of organized clutter.
    3. I am revising my kitchen reno plans once again.
    4. I am very proud of my sister Patty.
    5. I broke my arm on the first day of summer holidays at the end of grade two. I had this clunkity plaster cast all summer. I saved the cast, took it to school for "Show & Tell" but wore it at school for 2 weeks before I was caught. I was 7.
    6. I think my most vulnerable weakness is needing to be needed. I find it very hard to say no.
    7. Having read several comments from respected sources, I am reintroducing the use of Capital letters. For those who know, thanks for the suggestions.

    The following people are now officially tagged:

  • February 07, 2008

    ye gods & little fishes

    whine whine whine (insert favorite cusswords here)

    Knee bone connected to the hip bone my ass, no really - it is a pain in the ass. As the hip socket works to deal with the changes to the way my knee is seated ... holy crap ... it feels like my hip is right out of joint. No one told me about this. Nor did anyone think to warn me that after the knee starts to feel just a bit better that I would start to get charlie horses in my calf and that the front of my shin would get this burning sensation. No, nothing is wrong, that is just the HEALING PROCESS. Meh!

    Yesterday I could not get comfortable for more than 10 minutes and I felt like the wolf who drags its hind leg with the trap still attached to it. I'm bored, I'm bitchy, and I miss my friends.

    Have you ever noticed that the smell of clean laundry induces sleep? I want a lemon filled honey dipped bismark from Safeway (another whine). Who else detests Window$ Vi$ta - what a load of crap. It's very hard to provide tech support for an OS that a) you haven't used b) don't want to use c) the user keeps clicking ahead without telling you what they have done and you are not on a vidphone.

    February 05, 2008

    made the stairs

    I did have to rest at the landing though. Think I did too much, didn't consider the uneven terrain.

    Random chaos.


    end of week 2

    The moon must be full/empty. I just got the sleep cycle turned back around and it went all awry once again. Up all night, falling asleep in the morning and then up around noon. Semisomnolent. Is that a word? Yes it is (sometimes I get lucky.)

    My nemesis the dreaded staircase is on the todo list as I have to go outside. It appears that when one joint's seat is adjusted all the others that are connected are a tad resistant to change and apparently need to be beaten into submission. Down will be okay but I'm not sure about up.

    Another strange come-uppance is my body's unconscious sway/tilt to the right when I step off the healing leg. Even my body is silently protesting the bendage of said supposedly bendy part. I find myself having to pay particular attention to step properly and keep myself verticle instead of the Pisa-like lean I temporarily acquire. I would imagine the gait looks something like a temple tent on the back of a camel going uphill over a dune while trying to outrun a sand storm, or perhaps I am practicing the zombie shuffle ... yeah, real graceful.

    There IS a limit of too much interweb. It is a constantly varied limit for each individual and you will know it when you have reached it, hopefully before you have passed it. Subsequently the interweb can also offer hours of communication, entertainment, information, and mindless occupation when used in moderation.

    I decided I have to release my dream of a hermitage in the Himalyas/Himalayas or a trek to Lhasa (ah grand self delusions), not ever going to happen. I wonder what it was that prompted me to add that to the wish list so long ago? Escape surely... reminders of choices made, that long sought freedom that looks so possible when we are young, yet seems more intangible with every breath.

    ... my my, where did those filters go?

    improvise & overcome

    ... and why would I choose to associate myself with a term that most used used in a derogatory manner?
    In order to change the meaning of a word or create a new meaning for a word, one must own the word. Over time and use the word may evolve to mean other than was originally intended & to that end...
    my definition: an independent woman

    dictionary definitions:

    1. informal term for a (young) woman
    2. an unsupervised umarried woman
    3. a young woman or girl, esp. a peasant girl.
    (usually facetious)
    3. a woman servant
    4. a wanton woman
    5. Archaic: a strumpet
    [Origin: 1250–1300; ME, back formation from wenchel, OE wencel child]

    synonom :"dame"

    Women Entitled to Nothing but Complete Happiness

    International Wenches Guild

    what do you believe?


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