courage ... on a small scale

I have a wedding to go to in 2 weeks. While I am on a slow but steady loss it's not near what I wanted it to be. So I decided I would splurge and buy myself a new girly wedding etc worthy confection. I enjoy shopping - I do not enjoy the trying on part because I am rarely satisfied with what I see in the mirror. We all know how that feels.

So I've spent about 6 hours in dress shops this week and here is the result.

NADA!blech! meh!

I have three - yes three dresses that I wanted to purchase and ALL three had something wrong with the construction. My favorite was a floaty layered chiffon in muted semi pastels but they'd sewn the outer layers to the back zipper so the end of the zipper does an outward pucker and it looks like I've got a tail hiding under there. You get the picture.

So tonight, knowing that there are several possibilities in the back of my closet that have not fit since my knee surgery and consequent lack of exercise & mass increase, I took a REALLY deep breath (I didn't actually want to know if they DIDN'T fit),I pushed the every day stuff aside, and elbowed my way to the "I only wish" rack. I hauled out the 2 outfits that fit 2 years ago and just stood there staring at them. Alarm bells ringing in my head, my self confidence jibbering away in a corner, I considered my options.

The conversation in my head went something like this:and yes there is more than one voice ;)

If it does fit will I wear it? They're both black and white - summer weight - still in fashion, both have tulip skirting though one is more tailored the other is pretty short (for me that's anything just above the knee). Floaty cap sleeves or sleeveless with jet bling. They both go with the shoes, but it's too short, and they fit close to the body, you'll look like a sausage sotto voice remember those pictures? Maybe I should go back and get that other dress anyhow, I can fix it - but do you really want to? No you don't. Chicken. Oh for the gods sakes do it.

Just ____________ blank space as I pull the dress over my head. It does feel short. Not as short as the LBD. Okay it feels good but weird to have the material so close. Oh well, nothing for it go look in the mirror. It fit.

The sheer relief that wafted through me was heaven. Hmph. Okay, block off how you feel about YOUR body, take a mental pace backwards and look at the body in the dress. Okay - still sausagelike, a little lumpy. where's the spanx? No I don't want to deal with that gargantuan task right now, but it would improve it.You'd probably get stuck in them. Enough.

I was almost looking forward to trying the other on.

Next - the sleeveless - 2 pieces - really nice skirt and the material is just the right weight to give it a bit of a swing when you walk. A little sassy. BUT it's sleeveless. Then there's the wobbly bits (and not the good kind either), a little lace shawl would fix that and I'm pretty sure there's one in there. Love this neckline.

Where's that navy polka dot dress? Back to the mother lode - and there it is. I should have stopped right there. You always have to push it. A very critical once over. Princess line navy with small white polka dots, and white piping, mid calf, cotton, worn exactly 3 times. I'd need new shoes, but I love this dress. It's been 5 years since I wore it last but it's a classic.

And destined to remain so for a while longer I'm afraid. Almost, but no. Will I lose enough to fit it in 2 weeks? MWAHAHAHAHA, Sure you will. I will. You'll try. Be realistic.

Probably the 2 piece then. Feeling a bit better about myself than when I'd started, tempered with the understanding that I am weak, and I love food that is bad for me.

I will try.

P.S. Apparently I was buying a new dress so that I didn't have to risk knowing the truth. I win.

simply workhausted

change is eternal ...

carlin and stuff

I was thinking about you today George. And about stuff. And how when I was struggling as a single mom, or the primary bread winner, accumulating more stuff used to make me feel better, more secure, and it would temporarily stave of the fear and anxiety of walking the sword's edge between milk for the kids or busfare for work.

As I slowly dug myself out of the debt hole, I began to notice that the volume of newly acquired stuff had decreased but the value of the new stuff had logarithmically increased. But I still had ALL the other stuff too.

When I moved out of the place on Regent it took an entire semi moving truck, and the piano was moved separately, to a 3 bedroom townhouse on Lothian.I thought I had swept quite a bit of stuff away.

A year and a half later I was moving again and seriously downsizing to a 2 bedroom apartment for Mur and I and that was an eye opener. By the time I was done giving stuff away and filling both the loras trash bins - twice - it took only 2 trips with the step van to move our much reduced pile of stuff.

By this time I was starting a new single life once again and found that I wasn't trying to stave of the heartbreak by picking up so much new stuff.

So when I moved 2 years later to Forget Street I still had about the same amount of stuff plus the oak farm table, a computer and a renewed relationship with my 2nd husband.

On Forget St. I got some new kitchen stuff and grew a jungle of plants. The 2nd attempt at my 2nd marriage failed dismally and once he was gone I started tossing more stuff. Out with the old?

The move downtown did not require much sweeping but when I bought my condo a year later, I decided enough with the stuff. Appliances, furniture, knick knacks, bric-a-bracs and never used glassware, as well a closet full of clothes that didn't fit and about 60 boxes of books went by the boards. I find that almost strange now since I was actually moving into a bigger space.

And now I've been in my condo for 7 years. The storage room is fairly full, but I must say it's mostly my roommate's stuff and camping gear. Most of the new stuff have been gifts and I have started to collect some original art. I still have a couple of boxes worth of bric-a-brac but there are memories attached to them - they aren't just stuff. Hopefully in the next year or so my shelves will get built and that will give me a place to display them all together (and keep away some of the dust).

So now I'm working on ORGANIZING the stuff I have left. Arts supplies and crafting materials, sewing doodads and the books galore that are perched on every flat and some not so flat surfaces in my room. Need to get the luggage to the storeroom and sort out the mishmash on the dresser top. Then it's clear the rest of the closet time and a trip through the tickle trunk.

So thank you George for words to live by, we miss you.

good morning sunshine

Aaaahhhhhhh. and add a WOOP WOOP, 5 hours sleep for the third day in a row. If only I didn't have to go to work today. No snow on the car this morning YAY!

Without looking to borrow trouble, it appears that after a particularly grueling week at work, things may once again be within the bounds of control.

Here's hoping ;)

wordless

change is eternal ...

Dear Father Nature

C'mon - even you must be tired of snow by now. I cannot actually remember having to scrape my car windows on a May morning, though I do remember a couple of Lollapalooza snow storms in early May. Please make the snow go away before it freezes out all the flowers that are just ready to bloom.

I really would prefer rain.

Tuesday

After 4 rather sleepless nights I finally got 6 hours of sleep all in a row.

Thank you sand man.

Unfortunately the bags under my eyes do not appear to recognize that fact ;)

Mayday weekend

came and went with a birthday party for my 10 going on 20 year old grandotter with at trip to the beauty salon for her and 5 of her friends and a limo ride care of one of her dutch aunties, then it was off to the restaurant where her dad, uncle brother, great uncle and I decorated (good job guys) for pizza and angelfood cake with all the family including ex outlaws et al and she had a glorious time and got lots of girlie presents. Exactly what she wanted.

Along with family time came visits to friends long unvisited along with an evening with the ladies,and our biannual clean the closets swap meet. We recycle the gently used and donate all the rest to one of several charities who always need the goods. We had a great time.

I got home about 10:30 and the people downstairs were having ANOTHER party. so there were no parking spaces within a block of my house. AAARRGGHH! I figured I'd go crash at one of the kids places and no answers at either. I parked a block and a half away and waited for someone to leave as my parking pass limited me to the one downtown block that I live on. At 12:10 am I finally found a place, thank god I carry a book and a flashlight wherever I go. And then my insomnia kicked in.

At 4:14am exactly, the birds started singing. I last looked at the clock around 5:30 and woke up at 9. Determined to catch some more shut eye I put on the blinders and buried back into the covers only to be woken by 2 phone calls before 10. All chance of submerging myself into dreamland fled.

Grumpy and bitchy I got the magic coffee happening, and started on the long procrastinated process of sorting tossing the project mania end of my room. By noon, the loud base intermittent rumbling of what I can only guess is some kind of video/computer wargame began for the umpteenth day in a row to cause a thumping headache to begin to rage through the base of my skull. Being totally unprepared to be calm about it I left the condo to check out Denise's Purse and accessories sale and deliver some of the swapped goods I'd picked up for all and sundry. That done I headed back home to finish the unmessing of my boudoir and relax for the rest of my evening.

It was quiet when I got home around 5 - thank the hundred little gods, because if I'd had to deal with the noisemakers in the state I was in someone was going to need backup.

Not even an hour after my return the base kicked back in. Now don't get me wrong, I love drum and base when it's music, almost any KIND of music, but the continual thumping of what sounds like grenades or something blowing up is starting to drive me crazy, and making it a damn short trip.

I checked with my upstairs neighbours knowing fair well it wasn't them but the noise is omni directional and I can't really tell from the hall, even though I can feel the reverb in the soles of my feet on my hardwood. It was not coming from upstairs.

That only leaves the problematic under 25s living downstairs with whom I've already had several issues - twice I was coming homw while they were "entertaining" to find one of their guests pissing on the front of the building completely visible from the street - REALLY. Twice I've asked them to control their visitors and at least ask their guests not to be slamming doors and SCREAMING AROUND ON THE LAWN AFTER MIDNIGHT. Good grief I sound old, but honestly - it's an apartment building converted to condos so have some respect for your neighbours. And then there was the escaped cat who got into our place somehow and hid under my roommate's bed, which we didn't find and even the owners came in and called and searched. At least until the cat peed on my roommate's bed. Not the cat's fault really - it had been there almost 2 days. The owner's were upset that we expected them to pay for the cost of cleaning the NEW mattress especially since we are both allergic to cats. Which in the end after several pointed conversations and presentation of the bill, they did.

I decided after determining that the noise actually is coming from downstairs that I will have to talk to them tomorrow - cause if I do it tonight I will quite simply lose it.

They are still playing the game. It's almost midnite. I have to be up at 6 for work tomorrow.

On a positive note I DID get most of the unmessing complete.

sunshine

miss you.

day of mourning

April 28th is the annual day of mourning for workers who lost their lives on the job, and I send my best out to all the survivors. Workplaces are supposed to safeguard their employees as valuable resources, and some do not. There are the freak accidents but more commonly it happens because someone is not paying enough attention. Please be aware of the dangers in the environment you are working in and if it is not safe see your occupational health an safety committee member, it is your RIGHT.

On another note entirely, my 2nd marriage would have been 20 years old today.

Man have I come a long way.

external negativity be damned (avoid if looking for something positive)

Okay, I've had it. In 3 months I have had enough externally negative events impugn upon my awareness that the slide back into "I don't give a fuck land" was already halfway completed before I realized I was in motion.

I had previously lost about 42 pounds from the beginning of Jan to about the 3rd week in March and was feeling FABULOUS about it. Then things started to go downhil and the comfort eating started to kick back in and I have now gained bac 20 of those blasted pounds. Yeah - that makes me really happy.

Yes people die. But dammit, three which will likely be 4 by the end of this week between 52 and 30yrs - c'mon.... and I had no IDEA the reaction I would have to the last one - by the 100 little gods what a mess! Talk about non-closure issues after 25 years.

Work has has sucked harder than the gravity on Venus with the recurring cough/flue/crap/knee/ankle just kill me now stupid shit until the last two weeks where I have finally managed to catch up - YEAH!

And then there is the dealing with the lawyer, and putting out more $$ to protect my own investment - which is also entirely my own damn fault.

And other friends who are so afraid getting burned again they they refuse to take any kind of risk for happiness now, even though that is what they want.

And the car started to make a weird noise yesterday

just call me Eeyore

Pooh Bear is my favorite character in Chris Robin's world but today it feels more like an Eeyore day. Sleep is eluding me, Nay, veritably evading me this week, I am not wonder woman and I needs me some serious shut eye. In the last week I haven't slet more than 2 uninterrupted hours and I think one night I actually managed to get 5 hours.

As a result, I feel like I've lost my tail ...
The laundry didn't get done again ...
I'm out of smokes ...

and then I get the occasional Tigger-ly kick but its Firday and weekend is almost here, bounce bounce, with Pooh bear thinking a guinness would be rumbly in my tumbly...

wordless wednesday

borrowing a page from pocket buddha the Grands Spring Musical

note to self

do not forget that there are people in the world that are so afraid of being hurt they become afraid of being happy.

It's raining again ~ so what it's spring!

So if you've been following along I've had a rather upsy downsy winter/spring. In fact I bet I could track my manic depressive cycles through my posts or not posts as the case may be. A lot of the impact has been from external sources over which I have No - nada - none - zilch - zero - control. And of course that's never been a problem for me.

MWAH aahahahahahahahahah.

All green growing things need water to grow and while the big snow dump while I was in Jamaica (hahahahaha) definitely contributed to the water table - we are the prairies and that meltwater won't last long. So for all those lovely flowers we need to to stop and smell along the way, and the instances of inhaling the freshly mown grass - go aheaf rain, clear the air of the remaining snow mold succubii and batten down the flatlands dust for a bit. I can see old sol trying to peek around one of the grey brethren now... you can do it ...

Rain is just the delayed gratification portion of my sunny weekend.

time passes

I stopped by the pub after work yesterday to wish my friend Nickless a joyous celebration of the last year of his 20's. I've been staying away from the pub a bit lately and reducing the libation levels in preparation for the forthcoming season of deckadance, and so I was presented with a schwack of cronies I'd not seen much of lately. It was freaking lovely.

I only had a couple of pints, had another engagement to get to, but man it sure felt good to be home. Nick and I realized that it was also the 7 year anniversary of me meeting the sandwiches. It was Nick's bday - 7 years ago, with our dear and still missing friend Frosty, introducing me to the Kamsack crew over a few Irish Car Bombs.

7 years. Whoosh. It was gone. Just like that, but not really. The memories are plethoric and pulchritudinous. Over the last seven years I have gained myself a whole new framily. I have brothers from other mothers and sisters from different misters. Some of the mothers are also my friends, and some of my friends are the same age as my children. There is no one demographic that can contain my framily except that they are all open hearted, generous, and for the most part compassionate.

Sure there are situations where peoples' feelings' get hurt, and the drama erupts, relationships begin and die, or come to fruition and bear fruit, marriages, splitsville, babies, moves, vacations and the occasional respite at the House Of Pain. People try not to take sides, but it happens for awhile and then it all settles out - or not, shared confidences encourage groups inside groups like fractal mirrors, the occasional nasty little snippets of gossip inevitably arise and fall by the wayside as the natural exhaust of large group of dynamic and slightly dysfunctional personalities, myself included.

And as I looked around yesterday, there were no less than 15 very good friends celebrating our framiliness, and the party was just starting.

I am one damn lucky woman.

GIST for April

1. I did not catch Deb's H1N1.
2. My friends are still talking to me.
3. Someone is returning my lost cell phone from Selam.
4. My family seems to be doing fair well.
5. My jeans fit again.

heavy hearts

John Laird Macdonald was a gentle old soul who shared everything he had and really wanted nothing more than to see people smile. I found out Monday night that he had passed away two weeks ago and that his sister had not bothered to notify any of his friends or extended family. Poor form.

I met John February 27, 1986 at Jon Jon's birthday party and we hit it off right away. Tall and gangly with a shock of Billy Idol bleached white hair, eyes deeper than an artesian well, and a laugh that started at his toes. A great lover of music we shared an obsession with David Bowie, Iggy Pop, and the Sex Pistols. And though his voice wasn't anything to cheer about he loved to sing, enthusiastically.

John's experiences before I met him had taught him some hard lessons, the first of which was that you just never know when it'll be your turn to go so you better enjoy your life while you have it. He lived his motto, "go hard or go home". And no matter what happened to me in the intervening years, that lesson was something I never let go of. There were times when it was relegated to a back shelf but it was never lost. It's the reason that I will always be 8 years old in my heart. Thank you for that John.

Like many friendships that span decades, you occasionally lose touch and then find each other once again - but we rarely missed the birthday phone calls - just to keep up. I haven't seen him for about 5 years (his last visit here from Halifax), and though neither of us are aging particularly well - it was like there had been no time in between. I last spoke to him in December and he didn't discuss any health issues. We talked about my impending trip to Jamaica (he loved to travel especially on the train), how my kids were doing, what he was doing to keep himself busy (same old)and sharing news of mutual friends long since spread all over the nation.

Memories are churning, John as James Bond for Hallowe'en in a white tux, and leather and jeans at the Idol concert in Calgary. John on the floor playing lego with my kids. The road trip we took to go camping in South Dakota in the valiant - what a freaking gong show that was. Meeting Keppel - another soon to be lifelong friend. The Alice Cooper show. Extra Old Stock and port. The raid on the Winnipeg street house. Sheila & Kelly's attempt at a turkey dinner - lordy - what a mess. Deck parties. Taking the train at Christmastime cross country to Halifax to meet his parents in Liverpool N.S., and the 5 days we spent in Montreal. My first subway ride. Snow gently frosting the cobblestones in the old town, visting the Hotel de Ville and sitting in the Presidente's throne in the council room. Walking along St. Denis at midnight warmed by wine and convinced we really did understand french. Exploring the Halifax underground. Getting Screeched. The perfect snowfall christmas eve and listening to the carols in church with his mum & dad. Running into the ocean at the end of December so we could say we did the Atlantic Polar Bear. Taking university classes together and banging our heads on the tables in the Lab Caff. West Edmonton Mall, black heaven and the drop of doom. And all the crowd back then. Jon Jon, Cookie, Sheila, Kelly, Kenny, Shelley, Dodi, Magnus, Little Kelly, Preston, Billy, Dave, Sandy, & Lynn. I actually still know where over half of those people are.

SO thank you John for all the high drama and low, for sharing your joy and your framily, and for singing every Bowie song we knew. You will always be in my heart and I am really going to miss those phone calls.

1st April Monday

It isn't actually raining and it was a beautiful week end, but it is back to work and though spring is in the air I am still shaking off the winter doldrums.

Early Friday road trip to the Jaw and pa pa. Took the boyo and miss enchanting for coffee. Everything seems to be going well out there and it was great to see the rents. The kids even inherited a new little freezer and some file cabinets for their new house.

It was a fair quiet weekend though I did spend Saturday visiting, and had an absolute blast with the crew at the dance party Saturday night ~ great idea Abigail.

The grand children have given up the ghost on the tooth fairy and the easter bunny - so sad, thanks to their TEACHERs - who have likely murdered Santa in the process and who really ought to keep their respective noses out of the cultural myths we choose to relate to our children. I really would like to smack both those women ~ don't kids have to grow up too soon as it is ~ you have to steal the magic too?

I did realize this week that my compassion is more deeply rooted than any resentment or sense of betrayal I may be hanging onto. Big step forward.

Deb is getting better slowly but last night she was coughing so deeply that I pretty much stayed up all night and sneaked into her room every hour and a half or so - to check that she's breathing - cause I was having nightmares about calling 911 in the morning. I was so happy to hear her voice when her alarm went off at 7am. Whew!

Otherwise it was a lovely 3 days off and I am looking forward to a similar weekend shortly.

best poledancing ever

suitable for all ages

GIST small successes

Monday is done and over and my desk is still clear - only two pieces I am currently working on, YAY! I also managed to get a good start on the next volume of the quarterly newsletter - which puts me a bit ahead. I may have found a solution to the fiscal security I need - waiting till the end of the week for that. I am done my laundry. My eyes aren't quite as swollen from the snow mold today either. Saw a few friends, talked to my friend Keppel in Ottawa and spent an hour and hald on the phone with sugar. Now for a soak and the day is replete.

and stranger

Panic attacks directly from sleep twice last night - no details just dark blurry and an overwhelming sense of being trapped in a situation on personal physical danger and being unable to defend myself. WTF? Tries all the old fashioned homely somnolents - not happening. I am almost afraid to go back to sleep.

No strange foods, nothing untoward ingested, quiet weekend just trying to get the allergies under control. Reading, movies, sewing - nothing is abating the sense of utter dread.

shit.

strange dreamin'

I have been having strange and stranger nightly subconcious visitations, and they aren't all pretty or even recognizable as signposts about things I need to change, or reminders that I NEED to change something else, or a poke just to tell me to pay attention.

This last one though - waay out there.

Terror - darkness - searing pain - scarlett - glowing more fear - amorphous where my dreams are usually crystal clear HD technicolour. Pain in my legs - couldn't walk - doctors couldn't find the problem (note I have had lots of issues with my stupid knees in the last couple of years so this is an obvious fear of loss of mobility which I have when I am awake occasionally but not this deepseated terror that wakes me up breathing heavy in a panic.)

Needles - big darning needles - scarlett pain - hot - needles sticking out of my skin around my knees like someone had jabbed them all the way in and they are only now working themselves out ... and then more of them surfacing through the fleshy part of my leg right above my knee in I Ching patterns with pieces of flesh to denote the break in the I Ching line, but there were only 5 of them not the six I would need to determine the message ... and it hurt - ye gods it hurt!

and then I woke up.

wtf?

green breeze

Submerged anger and resentment rise with the warmth like the ammonia from Wascana, bringing tears and clutching throats. As the whirlwind death of winter loses velocity, people pushed to the edge by the long cold are fragile and cracking like ice on the lake. The green breeze clears minds, soothes souls, and invites us all to breathe before we accuse.

All the little pettynesses that have piled up since the snow locked us in, the misunderstandings, the apologies not truly accepted, and the angst never voiced can be assisted in their release by a walk in the park.

Make sure to look in the mirror before you go for your walk.

green day

happy St Paddy's to everyone who's ever had a little Irish in 'em and for everyone else who wishes they had ;)

While it is not the OFFICIAL 1st day of spring, It is the 1st day after the dreaded extra 6 weeks of winter foretold by the stupid groundhog on February 2. And everywhere there's green - I even saw some peeking around the edge of our sidewalk yesterday.

So it's off to the pub after work to meet the mates and lift our glasses to the beginning of a bright new year and the death of winter.

chin chin

the Ides of March

and it's Monday in 2 minutes. The Ides was originally a festive day dedicated to the Roman God Mars. History writes that when Julius ignored the seer's forewarning he was back-stabbed by his buddy Brutus. Isn't it amazing how something good can be completely reversed by politics.

So happy Ides to all. Ides in the Roman calendar were the 15th day of March, May, July and October and often fell around full moons.

A busy week with the Ides, St Paddy's day, and my son's 27th bday - so I'm taking him to Hawksley Workman at Darke Hall. I love Hawksley (thank you abigail) and I'm hoping Mur will find his music as interesting as I do.

wednesday blues

What a long week. the queen concert was a blast with malibu yesterday and we got to visit with niall, who made a good attempt at concocting some rum cream for me. Nice to catch up.

Work's a killer this week though. It feels like my brain is on strike and refuses to put two coherent thoughts in a row - which makes letter writing a wee bit of a challenge.

Two more days - I can DOOO ITTTTT.

lazy sunday

After blowing all my plans for a Saturday evening out for a birthday party, a trip to McNally's with KD and the crew, and some late night karaoke, by laying down for a one hour nap - and being totally oblivious to the alarm clock OR the phone, I managed to sleep from 6 pm to 7 am this morning and then promptly when back to bed until 10am. It doesn't catch me up for the sleep I missed the rest of the week but it certainly FEELS BETTER. Now I'll have to catch up to the bday girls to deliver belated gifts.

However, I did wake up to well timed phone call and got a leavening of sugar to begin my day, always good. I made a list of all the things that I need to get done, and accomplishes exactly one of them;)

The laundry while sorted has not levitated itself to the basement, the kitchen floor is still wailing for the damp mop, and the plants would be sobbing for hydration if any were to be found. My T4 remains on the missing list as my tax software glares accusingly from the top shelf, the front door still squeals its animosity awaiting some WD40, and the dust-bunnies are seriously amused at my sloth.

Hmmmm, I find myself deaf to their pleading and whining for me to be productive. Blue mountain coffee for breakfast and a couple of cigarettes, a little reading, catching up on the email, worked through some more pictures, put the roast in the oven, wasted several hours away on crackbook, and am now enjoying some 12 year old Appleton Rum straight from Jamaica. Miss the island mon.

So I'll finish cooking dindin, I MIGHT get the laundry in if there is ever an open space and then I believe I'll kick back and watch the Oscars in my jammies. It's the first 5 day week since christmas next week and It'sa gonna be a looong one.

Friday and GIST

1. more FRIENDS than I can count on my fingers and toes and your fingers and toes.
2. dakar
3. a little sugar now and again
4. earned days off
5. anticipation

MWAHAHAHAAAAAAA!

Monday is over.

planning for the future

at my age, 48, most people these days have at least a nebulous idea of what they want to do for their retirement - if they get to retire at any rate. They've been to meetings on investment plans, GICs, RRSPs, time shares, pension plans and payouts, tax shelters etc. Up to this point I have kind of just ignored them and thought - I've got lots of time. I was possible planning to go back to school and do my Master's, maybe at the University of the South Pacific and had started to investigate what coursework was available on what island. But nothing really specific.

Now. I am motivated. My retirement destination is Jamaica. And I have been investigating all the things that I will need to plan/arrange/investigate/prepare for in order to make my dream come true. I figure a cool quarter million should look after me for at least 20 years and I'm not likely to last much past that. If anyone out there has dependable resources that apply to my list please leave me a comment.

1. What is required to be allowed to live in Jamaica.
2. What is required to maintain Canadian citizenship.
3. Can I have dual Jacanadian citizenship or is that even a good idea
4. Tax laws for above.
5. Do I need a work Visa for Jamaica?
6. What is the best real estate company to deal with when purchasing internationally.
7. Investigate health care alternatives.
8. Shipping costs for a PUP and a car, Canada to Jamaica.
9. Expenses, what will I need to live on? Power, Water, Gas, property taxes, beer.
10. How much interest will I be earning on my lump sum investment?
11. Best way to invest lump sum?
12. Onshore or off shore account?
13. Boat and motor, mooring costs?
14. Annual travel budget for hurricane season ;)

personal principles

Recently someone convinced me to throw away a singular personal principle that I thought was very important. It turns out it wasn't important all - at the time. Oh look, it still isn't. Was it ever?

Some pretty amazing things can happen when you let go of the boundaries you have set for yourself. You may not even be aware that you've fenced yourself in so tightly that it is your own thrice damned fault that you cannot escape from a self imposed prison made up of non sense. And that once you start to pull out the fence posts your world does NOT fall apart but opens up into the grand vistas of possibility that you used to thrive in.

What made me build that particular fence? External pressure. From friends, from society in general, from the media, from the family, the parents, the mores that were pounded into me as I grew up.

Does that make it right?

No. No it does not.

A personal principle is by definition personal. It should be made based upon how YOU perceive a situation/event/behaviour. Certainly you take into account the perceptions of others in the process of forming them, but when it comes right down to it, you are the one who will live by it, be affected by it, and will have to deal with the consequences on your future choices by that principle which you choose.

Be careful.

One little principle can cause immeasurable harm to yourself if it is not chosen for the right reasons. And if you make a mistake, and are not lucky enough to escape from it later, you just may fuck yourself for good. And not in a good way.

I escaped. Thank the hundred little gods.

GIST number i dunnow

1. Mondays that are at least nice out first thing in the morning.
2. Fake baking on the flatlands in the winter.
3. Getting into pants that didn't fit 5 weeks ago.
4. Family that's not quite so batshit crazy as it used to be.
5. An unexpected phonecall that is sometimes nothing but breathing and that's all good.

and it's Friday ... whew! made it.

Being away from work for 6 days ended up snowing me under in a blizzard of letters which in most cases is something I can plod through and catch up but this week some of those were already 7 days behind on my timeline and it was a mad but focused frenzy to get at least caught up if not ahead just a teensy bit. Thought I might have to go in on my day off but no, by quitting time yesterday the sherpa for the newsletter had been approved and printing was to commence - ON TIME no less, and the closest due date was Mar 3, except for one piece of correspondence awaiting the return of the content owner.

Then it was off to fake bake with the roomie, a delusional grab at some tropical heat that makes me feel all warm and happy, a quick pint at the pub, and a lovely visit with one of my favorite ladies to share vacation stories and catch up the last month. YAY! no more tangles though I absolutely do not like to lose any of the length I figure it's a fair trade for some manageability. I have been assured that the demi will tone down a bit over the next couple of weeks and the beach hair will reappear, I'm sure along with the white roots ;)

A return to the pub after girl time saw Canada win the hockey game, another gold in speed skating and raucous crew having a fair good time. More people for me to catch up with and a quiet glass of wine with my flat mate Deb.

All in all - a damn fine day.

Today - well - sort of up in the air. I should do a load of laundry - but there are 3 days in this weekend. I should go grab some groceries. I should do a number of things but I think today is on island time so I'll just sashay along and see what adventures present themselves.

like the pocket buddha says - peace y'all

levels

For years now my intimates have persisted that I need a man. I maintained that I did not. A little history required here: I've been unsuccessfully married twice, was engaged to another man for 3 years in between the marriages, and after the 2nd divorce had a wonderful 3 year casual but monogamous relationship with an absolutely lovely man. The last relationship was the only one that ended with both my wallet and my dignity intact. HUGE HUGE HUGE indication that maybe I had gotten to the point where I was at least getting the general idea of how to pick a good man. That was almost 7 years ago.

So after the singularly successful relationship in my life, I decided to stay single for awhile and work on MY shit, since except for the last one I tend to subsume my whole life into my relationship, and then at the end of it have to try and figure out where all my friends have gone. So I bought myself a condo, got myself out of debt, set out to rebuild friendships old and new ( some of them have become seriously great friendships that will always be there when I need them - thank you - you know who you are)and was working on physical self improvement, when I hurt my back in 2004. That was a biggy, I was flat out for 3 months and very limited for another 6. I diagnosed myself with diabetes and had it confirmed by the medical community late in 2006,FUCK! Of course it WOULD be something that requires me to monitor everything that goes in my mouth (almost), and requires even MORE self awareness and control, and after getting those changes integrated into my life I joined a belly dancing class to become more active and healthy, where I promptly broke a piece of arthritic build up in my knee in October 2007 and underwent a knee operation in 2008. I continue to have sporadic issues with the same knee and occasionally my other foot - mostly due to my weight. I am currently waiting fot the specialist to call with an appointment, and at the same time determined to dump the poundage so it's not such a problem.

Self disciple always being a struggle for an impractical hedonist. every time I lost mobility I let the pounds come back. You know the drill up and down but always a little more up... And truly, the more weight I put on the lower my self esteem dropped, the less effort I made to fill that "empty space" in my life. However, while I lost and gained weight before my holiday but with a net loss. YAY! I lost maybe a little over 20 lbs ON holiday. And I'm fair dinkum sure that there's another 15 or so more pounds gone missing since I returned to the frozen Popsicle land. I am on a roll.

So when I put together the noticeable weight loss, the boost to self esteem from my holiday and the new leaves I've turned over I am pretty much on a spectacularly positive path. And part of that was the whole "need a man" business. I must admit the ladies and gents were correct. I'm a fair transparent individual so good friends know what's going on with me. I am a loquacious piece of work.

However, it may not have been in the way you may be thinking. What I needed was to have someone actually make me believe that I was desirable. To give me concrete proof that I could not later deny. I had lost my sense of "I am woman hear me roar" that has been a lifelong mainstay. I needed to ignite my inner sparkle and unabashed joy in life. To regain my sense of being soft and vulnerable yet strong, without feeling like a patsy being played.

And I got that. On several levels. And once I was past my own bias and the stuck emotional doors were reopened, I actually REALIZED how much I'd missed those pieces of me. I can even look in the mirror - straight on, and say "pretty good dorlin'" - which has been totally unheard of in a long fuckin' time.

I have also determined that I still want to be single. I want a lover not a "permanent relationship". A space where I can continue to explore my newfound me-ness with someone else who also wants to maintain their independence of self. I want to regenerate the saucy wench that I love so much. I do not want to lose myself to twoness again and I probably would. My singleton status was hard fought and I have never been able to really explore it without all the entanglements of children and family and outside responsibilities. Now, it's just me, free.

Look out, the demon has been released!

ides of February : GIST

1. Though it still gets crispy, the weather is trending toward warmth.
2. My knee is feeling MUCH better.
3. I've caught up with most of my framily since I went on holiday.
4. I only had one load of laundry to do today.
5. Busy integrating lost bits back into the personalities.

pushed too hard

I was all happy about getting the dagnabit laundry done and then found out that carrying too much up the stairs at one time to reduce the number of sets of stairs I need to traverse is not - I repeat not - very good for my personal mobility.

c'est la vie.

a good week so far - 2 more days to go ;)

Work is humming along, managed to visit the kids and grands today and have a chat with the rapscallion about the value of honour and truth. I know he's only 8 but it really is never too young to learn that your word is your bond. People cannot take it away from you, you cannot generally sell it for anything, it is simply a precious jewel thst should be gently held and never tarnished.

Laundry is done.

And I appear to be getting around a little better. Woop Woop.

dented expectations

Have you ever noticed that there are a couple of principles that are so near and dear to your heart that they have just become part of you.So much a part of you that you think your friends and acquaintances are also aware of how important they are to you, so that when those principles are ignored or otherwise trampled upon(often unwittingly because how are those people supposed to know what is going on in your head when you only know half the time) your expectations of the people feel a little dented. You aren't angry or even really hurt, there's just a dissonance, a note off scale, kind of jangly along the nerves. I think I will have to share a java with my friend and talk it out.

Thursday

I am happy to report that I do not have the apres vacation doldrums. Nor do I have all my laundry done, but I'll get to it eventually. Timing being everything, the curse showed up Monday morning - YAY! In an attempt at waxing philosophical - better now than when I wanted to be in the ocean. I was a little sad on Monday, exhausted on Tuesday and back to work on Wednesday. Today appears to be getting better.

Man - do I have a great boss. The big year end project I was dreading that would still be waiting for my return was completely done. AND there were only 5 files waiting for me and one article to write for the quarterly.

I had supper at Amanda and Chris' and delivered the grands' presents on Monday night - psgetti and meatsauce - tasty tasty, and everyone seemed to like their gifts so all's good. Then it was over to the boy's to see him and Miss Enchanting to drop off the requested spices, etc and BrownBoy's custom made rasta hat which I am pretty sure has room for all of his dreads and room to grow. Also found out that the boyo knows the gentlemen who chatted me up on the plane on the way to paradise - most interesting and 2 thumbs up.

Anarchy got home from their trip to Cuba and Trinidad late Tuesday. I ran into Abigail at Jill's place when she came to pick up the fur babies, who BTW had jest been scooched back into the house after escaping the yard not 20 minutes before they were to be picked up. There's poor Darryl driving around in no coat with the window open trying to find Mr. Patches who had immediately headed for the hills upon gaining freedom from the yard and then did a uball right for the back door, bypassing Darryl altogether. We are all having turkey dinner tonight at Dill & Jarryl's.... mmmmmm.

Wednesday was back to work and I actually woke up happy to go there - though given half a chance I would've crawled right back into the nest of warm blankies. The only real fallout since my return is that I appear to actually get chilly now and again, my cough came back 20 minutes after landing, and my eye are dry and itchy. Need that humidity.

Spent a couple of hours over at sister Patty's yestereve, took her my rum cream ....mmm my new fave ... had a great little chat fest - started on plans to move to Jamaica and I even got a kiss from Hailey - what do you know;)

Friday it's pints at the pub, haven't made it there yet and Saturday is scrabble with the ladies and Vman's bday party at the house of pain, and I need to have a java with Chedley in there somewhere too.

Definitely not in island time any longer mon....

back on the tundra

If it is only at the end of your vac ation that you begin to list the negatives - you had a great vacation. And if the negatives are a short list and truly inconsequential, it was even better.

I am grateful for:

1. Having the best 2 weeks of my life - hands down.
2. Missing the blizzard and spending that day at the swim up bar, in the sunshine with great friends.
3. Having people stuck in Sask who dug out my car and toted me to and from the airport even when my flight home never got here till almost midnight, and hauling the luggage up the stairs for me;)
4. Enjoying a standard of living not seen in a great portion of the world.
5. Finding parts of myself that were long lost and forgotten and realizing that I need to told onto them now that I'm home.

Even the shift to -20C cannot possibly get me down. The parking ticket for snow removal is paid, I have rum cream for my coffee, and my jeans are now too big.

I do need to get some Canadian cigrets though.

just less than 24 hours left

I'm not even going to attempt to recount the last couple of days now. Suffice to say that I have hired three large Jamaican men to haul my ass onto the plane going home, and Kory will ensure that I STAY on the plane once they get me on it.

Best two weeks of my entire life.

AND my wonderful son in law has dug my car out from under the blizzard drifts before I got home!!! Too right. I am a very lucky girl.

See you soon

tues/wed/thurs

Tues: Up late last night carousing and up early for breakfast with our much enlarged crew. Rod & Collette's son Brandon is hilarious. Quite the kid. Everyone was off to the beach but I wanted to get the rest of the pics posted so I was working on the netbook and the magic bailey's and java arrived. Have said how much I love this place? I know that it's my first real vacation and a bit posh - I really must do this every year if I can. Anyway, around lunch time Rod & Brandon showed up and I was still plugging away when I realized the magic java had surreptitiously kept me from the beach all morning so I packed up the gear and headed for the beach.
What a blast - everyone had frosties, we parked ourselves between the beach bar and the ocean. Snorkeling and singing paddling in the ocean and catching some rays - I missed the beach party at lunch time - and it was Bs turn to be miss drunky pants. Julie and I went and got our hair braided. There's a story. We both got two rows of braids on the underside of the back so it's only partly touristy. But let me tell you - man is it cooler and since I have lost all control of my hair I certainly appreciate it. I've started to take pictures of the men who want to be my "Jamaican boyfriend", this place sure is good for the ego - buffet. The beach is the most common place with all the local guys running boats for snorkeling and sight seeing, and the seadoos and parasailing. You hear the stories but the reality is so much MORE. Decisions decisions ;)
We all got dressed for supper and went to the Michael Jackson show outside the Colliseum. There was a pretty long wait, but ultimately worth it. My pics are crap though because we were to far for my camera. C'est la vie. Popped into the disco after the show - deja vu - images from the candy cane 30 years ago. too funny and a good time.

Wed: Lots of sun yesterday, and most of the crew is going on the tour to Ochos Rios to see the dolphins and Dunns River falls. Instead of going on the booze cruise catamaran A local fisherman took me all over Bloody Bay - where our resort is and up 7 mile beach. Being out on the open ocean was tremendous. The sea swell wasn't too great when we left but it was getting fair choppy on our return. We were out for about 5 hours up and down the coastline, then we cut over to the island where we had live lobsters cracked and grilled over an open fire with chunks of garlic and melted butter - to absolutely die for.Got some GREAT SHOTS - too rough to snorkel the reef today though. One of the smaller catamarans some tourists had out tipped right over and dumped the couple in the drink right by the island so the guys hauled them in and grounded the boat and called for someone to pick them up and take the boat back. The girl was pretty banged up - bruises, and a couple of cuts on her face - but will be okay once she's not so shocky. Off the resort for the evening adventuring in Orange Bay, Green Island, Prospect with a local - met HUGE numbers of people and went to the Cliffs Happy Wednesday Party - outdoor bar for locals, dj's dance music and a great freaking time though \I did not see another Caucasian anywhere, and yet I fit right in.

Thurs: got back to the resort around 10 am, quick change and we all hit negril town for shopextravaganza, a stop at Charlie's bar and the crafty market and then on to Margueritaville for food and a dip in the ocean. More great sunset shots. More later.

not so manic monday

Sun Day 8
Goodbye hello bittersweet day Biff Minda and Super Dave were to be leaving before lunch and Rod Collette Brandon, "Not Ernie" and Julie and their English friends were to arrive around supper. Unfortunately for those living in Saskabush one of the worst snow laden storms in over 10 years (some say 40) decided to interfere in travel plans. Horizontal winds up to 60k with snow and a snowfall of what looks to be 3 feet or so lashed the prairies and flights were delayed for 18+ hours.Not a great thing for those waiting to escape the tundra flatlands and almost worse for our friends waiting to leave. First it was "delayed" so I thought they crew were off to watch the Jets game - only to find out after waiting with no room (already checked out) that the flight wouldn't be leaving until the next bloody day. It took until after 5 to get them back into a room again so they had somewhere to sleep until their early morning 6:30am trip back to Montego Bay and the airport, so they could fly out around 10:30 or so. Apparently, the lines etc at customs on your way OUT take a lot of even island time.
So I spent the afternoon in the pool- blissfully unaware of the change in plans, hanging with the Brit crew and happily met up with Kory, \Bren, Minda & Dave at supper in the garden.Sure it was great they got a few extra hours in paradise but that's really frustrating once you've psyched yourself up to leave and then spend 8 hours with delays and vagaries messing up your plans. Then Minda didn't even get a last serving of green (pistachio) ice cream.- Boo. They headed off to early siesta since they had to be up before dawn to fly home, and |Bren & Kory and I had a few cocktails in the lounge, and it was naptime for them as well. I had a few drinks with Steph and Stew, and Liverpool Dave then wandered down to the beach party. Munchy bits, jerk chicken, dancing in the sand and some great singing with the torchlight reflecting of the water and the live reggae band echoing across the bay. I danced and played on the beach until the magic hour and two stepped my way up the beach to my place. Slept like the proverbial log, or a drunken monkey. Which by the way, is a tasty frosty poolside treat.


Mon dawned hot and lovely. It's my dotter's 30th bday, Robbie Burns day, and Abigail's born day too - all rolled into one. To top it off Regina had a snow day with schools and even the University closed because of the amount of snow that was dumped yesterday and overnight. I slept in until 7am so I missed saying goodbye, grabbed some shopping goods that Kory hauled back to their room last night for me, and it was off to another delicious breakfast.We found out that the flight from |Regina with our other friends had left around 3:30 am, so we adjourned to the pool to await their arrival shortly after lunch. Hanging with the crowd from Wisconsin and Yanike & Lunick pouring like there's no tomorrow we were fairly drunky pantsed by the time the magic bus rolled in. While they were finding their rooms and strippiong out of the travel gear I got a chance to sing happy birthday to Amanda and say hi to the kidlets and get the down low on her birthday party which I am sad to have missed. Then it was back to the pool for some more hilarity, where we also met Kory & Brenda's neighbours from 3 doors down in Regina. Such a tiny world. So now I;m dressed for supper at the steakhouse at 9, and we're all meeting back at the lounge around 8 for pre dinner cocktails. Gives everyone a chance to freshen up and maybe have a wee rest before the welcome celebration REALLY kicks in;) There will be 11 of us for supper this evening, then maybe take in the floor show.

I am so unbelievably happy that I did not have to go home today. I just hope Minda and Dave got home in one piece and have enough time to get their work done before Friday, because they are going to Miami for the Pro Bowl.

can you say reggae beach party?

I can - Cya later.

xxoo

3 for 1: a looong weekend in paradise

Thursday.
Note: The sun goes down here at about 6pm every night - which you'd think I'd be used to, but for some reason my body is sure that because it's summer here the evening is still young and I still want to go play in the ocean ;) I don't because all my safety conscious friends told me not to.I still want to though. The pool's out because they close at 6 as well for the same reason. On the other hand my bathtub is HUGE deep and I can soak right up to my chinny chin chin.

Anyway, Thursday was pretty chill after Margueritaville as you could tell from the crackbook pics, EVERYBODY had a good time, and several peeps needed some recuperation time including Carey and |Beth our new friends from Illinois (though he did take part in the sexiest Canadian contest). Having crashed early the night before I was awake at 4am, managed to go back to sleep until 6 but after that I was awake and rarin' to go. So I wandered down to the beach and welcomed the dawn with a smoke and a swim in the ocean, which is warmer than the pool, talked to the fishermen on the beach and then had a shower and headed for brekky laptop in tow.
By 8 I was comfortably ensconced in a nicely padded overlarge wicker arm chair on the breeze way going through pics to get them posted and voila, a coffee and Bailey's with some rum cream was deposited at my table. The bar isn't open so till 10am, so I was quite pleasantly surprised to see Yanike smile and tell me shhhh, she made it for me special... the service is truly top notch here. I did get most of the pics processed by the time Dean showed up for breakfast.Then it was off to the pool. Such a hard life ... I know.

Played in the pool with Kory Bren, Minda and Super Dave, the woop woop twins and Sally-Anna until siesta time then spent the siesta part of the afternoon getting the pics actually posted and talked via video with Amanda for about half an hour. Reservations for supper at Luigi's which is pasta at noon and Brazilian in the evening. I thought the lamb and the pork were delish but Bren says they don't even come close to real Brazilian food. AND I tried some black bean with rice - and found that they weren't so bad after all, for some reason I had the idea that they were the same consistency as kidney beans - not. Learn something new every day.
We spent the rest of the evening kicking back, watching a bit of the show and making plans for Minda and Dave's last 2 days over waaay too many mai tais and mudslides.


Friday - Rick's Cafe
As a creature of habit and order (insert guffaw here) I was up early however around 1am the night before I heard the chain in the bathtub rattling. Like a person would rattle it. Yet I knew there was no one else here. Trusting to the better side of valour I got up and closed the bathroom door not wanting to have to deal with something I might not want to deal with until morning. About and hour later I heard a scrabble, a sort of swishy thud and some crash boom bang. From the bathroom. I stayed in bed. When I got up in the morning the towels from the towel bar were in the tub along with the conditioner and shampoo, which had obviously been knocked over by the falling towels. I can only assume that a gecko had gotten into the bathroom and was exploring causing the towel fall etc. as there are no visible openings large enough for anything else to get through. I checked. Which is too bad because I've been trying to find a gecko to get some pictures.

Morning puja to great Ra completed I enjoyed breakfast on the patio and another song with the line cooks. The staff here break into random song whenever the mood strikes them and I love it. Got everything together for my shopping trip and our afternoon at Rick's Cafe. Doc took Brenda and I to the Sun outlet where I actually found a jamaican sundress that FIT me for under 15 bucks (impressed), then we stopped and picked up some spices and I got confused about Jamaican dollars much to Doc's amusement, and then he took us to a lady in the craft market that makes rasta hats. I described how much hair roberto had and she is making me an extra large one for next thursday. Terrific! It really is too bad about the weight limit on my luggage - I could have spent the day in that market.

Then it was off to Rick's to meet Kory Minda and Super Dave. When we got there the doorman was expecting us and to our delight we had rented the big cabana by the jumping cliff for the day which came with bottle service, snacks and 5 red stripe in a bucket for $14 US as well as $4 guinness and our own waitress named "baby girl". I had quite the frolic with my camera, you could see the lighthouse from Rick's bandstand and we spent the day chatting up the jumpers and Carolyn & Tom from Ontario (also at the RIU). I tried some "ting" a fruit juice primarily made of grapefruit and I believe we should be importing that stuff. We took a dip in the cliffside pool and watched the glass bottomed boats and catamarans dock to watch the sunset as the cliff divers went about their daily entertainment. Kory jumped, but unfortunately the ladder to get back on the landing has a broken rung so even if I did jump into the ocean, there was no bloody way my knee would have gotten me back out of it. Maybe next year.

The sunset was marred by clouds, yet we had a complete blast and headed home around 8:30. Turkey dinner was waiting in the Garden Restaurant when we arrived. We moved to the Coliseum to watch some of the reggae show. I had a few cocktails in the lounge before we headed before bed while Minda & Dave, and Carey & Beth headed off to the disco.

Sat.
For Minda and Super Dave's last day we opened and closed the pool bar - well I left 2 hours early when the torrential downpour began and I was scooching the laptop bag to higher ground. Made friends with sweater Bob and shaky, saw the lovely Sally & Anna off. Carey and Beth left at lunch which Brenda and Kory brought poolside (they are so great to us). Jamaican curry patties, curry chicken and fresh killed and cooked lobster from just down the beach.The closers headed for a rest before our reservation at Shadows while I uploaded pictures but missed Amanda when I tried to message her, and made friends with a bunch of Brits from Manchester, Lincoln, Lancashire, Liverpool and Wales. Great blokes all.

Supper with Dave at Shadows, the other three were not making the reservation for 5 and |Dave and I were ravenous. Tasty tasty treats! Dave was back to his place after supper and I joined Sue and I want to say Len, but may be mistaken, along with Sxxx and Stew, Maz Nigel, Al, and xxxx damn another one I've forgotten. They're here till Monday and have invited me to come to England. Minda & Dave have been an absolute riot and I will be sad to see them leave, however the shiny side up is that 7 of our other friends will be here 6 hours after they're gone. Brenda wants us to dress up with makeup and everything for pictures in the am - so we'll see how that goes;)
I Tomorrow looks to be another wonderful day in paradise. Ja mon.

and now it's time for another scrumptious breakfast on the p[atio under the palms.
Love y'all

wasted away again in Margueritaville

Tuesday was long and glorious and hot and juicy with no siesta. Up at 7 for a dip in the ocean, then brekky with the crew while I sang a duet with the chef on the breakfast line (killing me softly) and off to the pool bar until 2 or so. New friends Carey & Beth have now been consecrated honorary Canucks because they can keep up. Carey says it's because his cologne is called Canadian Mist and it attracts us - though we have explained that as the obnoxious American at the pool bar he was attracted to us polite Canadians, HUGE roar at the bar when we explained that we were from the city that rhymed with fun - especially from the Aussies and Netherlanders. They were still laughing at the tonight.
Did a bit of net stuff and still haven't managed to catch the dotter online when I was. The people here are so great that when Minda went to buy a phone card to call her kids - the girl at the desk gave Minda her cell phone and told her to use it. The girls cleaning my room have left flowers and towel sculpture everyday, and thes has been nothing but smiles from the staff, They sing ALOT - at the bar, on the cookline, doing landscaping, and are constantly asking the guests to sing along - good bad or indifferent all voices are welcome. The bartenders in the lobby lounge were making patrons sing for drinks Tuesday - what a riot! Instant karaoke.
Kory |Brenda and I went to Shadow's, the steakhouse here - after swilling some scotch - my steak was exactly as ordered with fresh bread and humongous prawns in hot sauce,,,, then it was off to the circus show with Minda Dave Carey and Beth. Many maitais later I was wandering back home when the BT at the lounge bar stopped me to sing to me = hilarious. With a blue mountain coffee and Bailey's it was time to crash.

Wed morning - for reasons unknown to me, my alarm clock went off at 6am. WTF - I smacked the clock and the next thing I knew it was 10am. Trucked quickly through my ablutions and met the peeps in the lobby so I could meet our driver Doc. Then off to Luigi's for continental breakfast while Kory and Brenda did some shoe and cigar shopping (bren's flipflops had cracked while we were at the airport and her secondary pair weren't cutting it with the amount of walking we were doing). Off to the ocean for another swim for me and then met Carey & Beth at 2 so Doc could drive us to Jimmy Buffet's Margueritaville. What a gong show - singing on the beach, gigantic inner tube trampolines out in the ocean, and water so clear you could count the hairs on your toes if you had any.
Kory had all the waitresses smiling and our participation in the beach party shenanigans resulted in shots all around for the Canadian contingent. Trevor, Doc's friend joined us and chased the peanut man down on the beach for us. Great tuneage, some dancing a wicked funny contest for the sexiest Canadian man there and a live reggae band with sand dancing. They also had a fire eater who walked/laid on hunks of broken glass while carrying or being walked upon by a few of the other ladies there.
Having reached the point where everyone had achieved drumky pants status, Doc and Trevor returned us to the RIU and we all went for supper. MMMM roast turkey, smashed tatoes, chicken ragout and tilapi.
9:30 and I am done in.
Catch you in a couple of days. Still no sunburns or falling down and my feet have NOT swollen up at all from the humidity. YAY!!!!
Tomorrow is a resort day with Rick's on Friday and a trip into the back country on |Saturday with Doc.
Love y'all.

Day 2

Monday
We decided today was resort day to get to know where everything was. Up early and wandering around. We all met in the lounge for breakfast - oh my god. Shirred eggs and rolled salmon, french toast or croisants, bacon, omelettes - take your pick.... and salady stuff to make me happy. With Blue Mountain coffee - I'm in love. Tried to egt on the net - wireless worked but the battery died right away??? Whwn I got back to the room I found that though the charger WAS plugged in the connection between the adapter box and the wire to the pc wasn't - so it had been running on battery all night long. Reconnected and plugged in - to try again later,

Then it was off to open the pool bar -> Mai Tais, Miami Vices and Mango Daquaris - until noonish and it was off to the jerk chicken/crry seafood rice and we girls made a picnic of it on the beach. I was getting a little pink so I headed for a short siesta and sorted through the pics. 4 oclock sow me in the ocean ... I could live here. and off to lounge to find the rest of the degenerates for more blue mountain and Bailey's. We have apparently made some friends as most of the staff stopped to say hi and we gathered more than a few hugs. We lost Minda and Dave - they ended up at the pool bar all afternoon and finally caught up with us at 7 when we headed out for supper. Got some carving pics for Murray and supper was divine. Roast lamb, grilled turkey, curried chicken and more catfish, saefood gnocci, greens and tomatoes, and no room for dessert ;)

The Colliseum bar was our next destination - got the wireless working but crackbook would not upload the pics so I'll have to try again in the am. Left some messages for those at home and sat back to enjoy live reggae, contortionists, fire eaters, gymnasts, trapeze artists and some really terrific juigglers. Many Mai Tais and several new friends later it was time to wander back to the digs to catch some shut eye. Sounds like we'll be doing Margueritaville on Wednesday for their Reggae night.

Tomorrow it'll be upload, brekky, ocean, poolbar, siesta and then whatever comes our way.

It seems that island time was my time all along. Miss y'all but am I having a phenomenal time? Yes, yes I am.

The rum's done so it's Nighty night.

Jamaica adventure YES!!!

Wow.

What an adventure. I only have to breathe to know that I am in a completely foreign country. Redolent with the scent of green growth, the humidity seasons every breath with life.

The fkight left on time, was just a little bumpy over the jet stream, and arrived early. Unforunately CanJet doesn't have a liquor license for Regina so it was a dry flight, not quite up to expectations, and our "meal" such as it was consisted of a bruised apple, 2 chocolate chip cookies and some kind of turkey swiss bun which would have been greatly improved with any kind of condiment. Ah well, minor setbacks. Where I had been warned that the trek from the plane to customs was around 4 blocks, we landed on the other side of the airport so it was much shorter (thank you 100 little gods) Customs and immigration were quick and our luggage was already on its way in once we were through.
Smiles everywhere smiles. Most genuine, some just a part of the job, but an overwhelming sense of welcome and strangely, of coming home?

iT IS SUMMER HERE. Winter for the island but certainly summer for me.

We left the terminal and right outside the door is a Jimmy Buffet's where we all bought several beer to take with us on the bus ride to NEGRIL. I had foreign import Guinness - damn tasty, and a cigarette, the bus was loaded and off we went. The 90 nminute trip seemed much less. We stopped halfway so we could all pick up some more bevvies and chat with some loacals and it was back on the bus.
It gets darl really fast here - and the sun set while were driving thro0ugh the hills. Rain was pouring in buckets. Goats dotting the hillsides, new homes alongside shanties, and boneyards regularly interspersed all along the highway. Little houses perched up in the hills like birds nests one one side and the ocean rolling along on the other. WOW.

The pictures of the RIU simply don't do it justice. all open air and lofty ceiligs -big spaces, unbelievably helpful staff. I almost lost my passport etc on the bus because it fell out of my side pocket in the bag, but I didn't - so it's all good.
My room is lovely, a huge king size bed, nice and soft with crispy sheets and lots of pillows, and nice deep tub, big fans and air conditioing facing a garden where the frogs are singing to me right now. It's quite the jaunt from the main building - about a block and a half, but on the ther hand, the beach is right outside the front door, with rows and rows of lounges ghosting the darkness echoing the music of the ocean as it rolls into shore. Swimming tomorrow first thing.

After finding our rooms we were handed nore rum punch when we went back to the main building and starving from the travel it was off to the buffet. Ye gods and little fishes I'm in heaven. For supper I decided to sample a took a little of a lot of the dishes offered. I had oysters on the half shell, scallops and catfish, baked chicken, grilled pork and some duck with a tart and not too sweet orange sauce. Fresh crispy salad with 3 kinds of cheese, shrimp, pickled mushrooms, red onion, and stuffed grilled tomatoe.deviled eggs and red beans and rice. And a small slice of killer super moist deep chocolate cake. I think I only made it through half the buffet. There wasn't a single thing I didn't thoroughly enjoy.
After supper, we adjourned to the open air lounge and watched the deluge over cocktails and just chilled. MMMMM blue mountain coffee and Baileys - found a favorite. By 10:30 or so we were all starting to fade so it was off to unpack and crash.

Man would you have laughed at me when I accidentally turned off all the power in my room. However, I grabbed the flkashlight from my backpack, found the breaker panel and had everything to rights in about 10 minutes. Having organized myself, set up the safe and stashed the big camera, ID and cash, I then tried to set the alarm clock. It took a bit of finagling, but it's ready to go now.
Tomorrow has been designated resort day so we can figure out where everything is. We have been assured it only rains at night and it is supposed to be 28 or 29C tomorrow. So it's brekky at 8 and then into the ocean for me. Meeting at the pool bar at 10am and we'll see how the day progresses. No net in the rooms, so I'll post during siesta time tomorrow afternoon.

If the rest of my stay is anywhere close to the wonder of today, it will have been worth every jot and tittle it took to get me here.

Jah mon.

.... and today has been better so far pics on crackbook

13 hours and 19 minutes

goodbyes have been said, flight confirmed - on time as scheduled. Laundry done, though the room is a disaster from the sewing marathon. Swing dress, hip wrap, flower dress done and packed. Actually everything is packed except the shift I`m working on now - collar hem and sleeve facing left.

Hair is summery, toes are painted and crystaled, and just polish left for the fingers.

love all yàll.

next post from the island

down to the wire

in 3 days from right now I will be in Montego Bay. With or without the last sewing project completed. I was just looking at my to do list and though the older items are gone I seem to keep adding more crap. I finally found some bottles that should work for smaller amounts of shampoo etc - and I've taken out a sundress and a heavier pair of capris but I'm still edging the weight allowance for checked baggage... sheesh.

Electronics are charged and packed, US$ purchased, passport and ID ready. I do have to print out a copy of my new tickets though because yesterday I realized they had me listed as Mr. not Ms. Apparently it is important when traveling to other countries that your tickets match your passport.

Pixx added some glorious sun streaks to my hair last night and gave me an awesome padi - still have to do my manicure but that's something to do in the middle of the night Saturday when I can't sleep because i AM so exciTed!!!

So I have one sewing project left, drop off bday cards and present for Viv tomorrow, pick up a present for my daughter who will turn 30, and her partner who's 36? this year - while I'm gone. Drop off Kory's USB DVD - wash my hair, go for a last fake bake, shave the legs for the smooth beachy look, see the boy on Saturday for coffee and meet the dude I'm picking up the rasta hat for. Hug the grands, call my dad, and then Chris will be here to pick me up at 5:45 am on Sunday.

Holy crap - better get going.

9 more sleeps

Like the proverbial kid in a candy store I am so excited at times I am sure I am faster than the speed of light. I still am not done the sewing but I believe I have everything else ready to go except to purchase a pair of jeans, get my tickets, and finishe testing the electronica.

The fridge is fixed, the plumber is coming to fix the leaky pipe next week and hopefully the car will start tomorrow.

Off to sewing land now.

a new decade

Wow. In 20 10 I will have my first real vacation ever. My health will continue to improve. My kids will be happier. My friends will be many. My flat mate will be able to do some creative work. My grandkids will love me. My job is still interesting to go to and I may yet learn to sleep at nightime.

Happy New Years!

the C word

The Dalai Lama says that it is not enough to be Compassionate, one must ACT. I hear that as all the good intentions in the world may stop individuals from negative behaviors, but the balance doesn't tip in favour of our survival until we act upon our good intentions.

We are of the world, we live in the world, we can change the world.

One of the greatest things about the different groups of friends that share themselves with me are their communal acts of compassion. Physical, emotional, financial assistance where it is needed even when it is unasked. Big hearts with many many feet.

I have no new years resolutions this year.

I will practice random acts of compassion.

Join me.

woe is me

The ongoing saga of how dk's knees are not happy with the load bearing sichumatation:

As for the weight loss I am still at a positive net loss even with the christmas interruption but it is nowhere near what I wanted it to be. Oh well, get over yourself, it is what it is. I did however want to drop some of the mass to ease my mobility on dry land.

I slipped on the ice early in December and did a killer job on the knee. It was behaving better - not locking and no backtalk for about a week before xmas. I slept over with the grands xmas eve - on the floor - and I think on one of the up/down occasions I must have released some granule of arthritic calcium build up which is now causing me random crunches squishes and general wobbliness.

Remember - I am being very careful because I leave for my trip to Jamaica in 18 DAYS!!!

This morning, all is good. Got in the car drove to work. As I am getting out of the car the left knee decides to turn lefter, instead of going straight and I almost ended up on my ass in the parking lot muck - thank you steering wheel. Clear pavement - no ice.

An hour and a half later - it's a bit swollen - not too much. It is not hot to the touch. It does hurt like a bitchbuggerdamn but tylenol should deal with that.

It's New Year's Eve tomorrow and I am supposed to be going out to the beach for a freeforall with my friends and jello everywhere * heavy sigh* and it looks like I may just be staying home looking after the wobbleators. figures.

Anyone know where I can get a telescopic or otherwise expandable cane to take with me?

one down

What a busy day today. Pretty productive for a day off but it was so gorgeous I had to be outside snow or no snow.

Up early, picked up Nola and went to Brown Sugar for the rays. Did a little retail therapy and found my solution for a travel purse. It's an Ameribag - baby version with lots of interior net pockets for both my cameraa, spare batteries, chargers, netbook, go drive etc. along with all the normal stuff I keep in my purse and a passport pocket. Ergonomic, solid zippers and bright bright red ;) to match the luggage. Picked up some nice big yellow sunshine luggage tags as well - they are wearing raybans.

Then it was on to the Tire to get what Kory tells me is a beach essential - the BUBBA Keg mug. It's stainless, 52 oz, thermal, sealable, it floats and has it's own red stripe bottle opener on the bottom. Done.

Scrumptious lunch with Miss PJ at Ricky;s - good food and great service. YAY!

Watched a movie with Deb, turkey leftovers for supper, and then finished sewing my linen outfit. Natural loose weave linen with fringes on the skirt and top - smashing.

Tomorrow start another of the sewing projects to be done by Saturday.

gotta love dem blues

Leadbelly, Muddy Waters, Billie, Hopkins, Hooker, Bessie Smith, Katie Webster, TBone, Robert Johnson, Blind John Davis, Pete Chatham, Dinah Washington.

Thank you Murray & Nola

holiday GIST

1. No family drama in 3 days of visiting and very happy grandkids. It's a miracle.
2. The new Scrabble Diamond board plus kids who kick your ass soundly on the very first game. Note to self get game exorcised.
3. A car that starts when I need it.
4. Clear highways on christmas day.
5. A vintage I Love Lucy purse and wallet, Hempz lotion and new tanning goggles,Chapters cards,new board games, Blues, the last early edition of LOTR books to complete my set, a buddhist knot and the prayer flags I have forgotten at 3 festivals this year, delicious aromatic lip balm, soaps and girlie stuff, and a repaired handmade afghan from the girl, and a safe holiday for my extended framily.

done in

It is finito for another year. ev erything appears to have gone well AND no major family squabbles.

Thank the hundred little gods.

Happy 30th anniversary to Dad & Viv, and 1st to Patty & Jeff. Huzzah!

just about done

Attempting to clear my desk so that the two next short weeks, while greatly appreciated as time off, do not sink my "catchupedness" before I leave for my trip.
I'm watching the snow swirl past the 12 floor windows and I cannot see the street. I can however, see the top of the Sask Hotel which I couldn't an hour or so ago. Let's hope it stays this way. THe annual year end review is done and it turned out well "very good" right in the middle of "excellent" or "solid" - I'll take it. My boss took Lorna and I out for lunch today - first time in over 3 years and it was quite lovely. I also managed to meet a personal goal, which even though it seems I have had an uneding string of maladies this year,I accomplished not having taken any ESL Extended sick leave this year - first time in probably 5 years. Yay me!
Presents are purchased and wrapped and cards are written - except for the parts of the Wii that are still charging.
So now it's stop for a pack of smokes - a goal I failed though not miserably. I'm maintaining around a pak - pak and a half a week, so long as I don't go to the pub. The Ladies Auxillary will be missing some members this evening so Malibu and I may need to make up for them. Oh darn.
To everyone travelling the flatlands miserable blizzardy highways - be vedy vedy careful and a hapy santa season to all!

26 days left

I must limit my interwebbing or my lovely cruise wear will not be ready in time to be packed.

another d day

Two wills colliding before the first breath. She told me when I was 28 that she knew before I was born that it would be a struggle that she wasn't likely to win. At 31 I lost when she left me behind.

None of the bad stuff matters now.

I wasn't ready. I am still not ready. I've had 4 hours sleep since 6am Friday morning. I am heartsick and lonely and still lost. I am afraid to go to sleep because I wake up weeping. For most of the rest of the year I can tuck it away in a corner deluding myself that I am happy, that everything is okay/will be okay, yet my holiday season seems always to be haunted.

I can no longer hear her voice. I cannot build her image in my imagination. The aroma of doublemint or juicy fruit is missing. There is only this huge hole in my heart that refuses to heal and on days like today I don't think I want it to.

All the other deaths - I can deal.

My default is to hermitize so I push myself and bury myself in the business of the season, surrounding myself with those I love. I avoid being alone where I can, but the ache it still creeps in.

You would be so proud of the people that my kids are turning out to be and my grandkids miss you even though they never got a chance to meet you.

Wish you were here.

Happy bday Seeester

My 2 years yonger seester is 46 today, so anyone who sees Patty should sing either Patricia the stripper or the song about Cow-Patty and her moped named flame ... old old joke. Don't worry - she'll get it ;)

Love you.

far and away ...

Well arrggghhh!

And my my my - my internal rose coloured glasses don't get worn much any more though you can be sure I'll be taking them to Jamaica with me;) I found out yesterday that I'm allowed to take a single butane lighter with me which is all well and good because I am still terrible with matches.

Isn't it amazing that the lives we touch so long ago are still hearing tidbits even the the years have intervened? The crews I hang with on a regular basis these days are substantially different then when I was frantically recapturing my lost youth right after the 2nd divorce. I've been over that for quite some time now, and have decided to remain forever 8 years old with all the wonder in the world that entails.

Round tables. Hmmmm I have a penchant for round tables, You can see everyone you're with and I love watching the expressions dance across peoples faces as they recount one tale or another. Now where the round tables, Brewster's North, the Barley Mill, Sevens but that's not waaaay North and maybe BPs. That's alot of ground to cover. My spidey sense says maybe Brewster's.

I still believe that money is a useful tool, a means to an end but not the goal. I bought the condo because the apartment I was living in downtown in'03 was being condoized for some utterly outrageous amount of money, condo fees and taxes. I was looking for another downtown apartment with some history and couldn't find one, so I started looking at something to purchase not really sure I wanted to yet. And lo and behold, you get what you need. My condo is in a a heritage building - old world 1914 with 10 foot ceilings, maple hardwood and transom windows over the doors. 12 inch oak base boards and woodwork everywhere - big deep windows for plants a block and a half to Victoria Park or Wascana. I got it for a song compared to prices these days and it has an comfortable lived in fell. Gracious not pretentious. Warm welcoming yellows and ambers, the kitchen is fire engine red and the office a cool sage.

As for Lady dk - you;d be surprised how many people actually call me that. I'm not sure what triggers it - it seems to occur naturally somehow.

So dear anonymous, with the memory stirring I would appreciate it if you would drop me a note and put me out of my misery. The chase is fun but I have too much living to do and would way rather have a conversation ;)

My email address is in the left corner of the blog by my logo. I'll leave it up for a week.

ciao Dougal

So young, so sad. May you navigate the bardos quickly brother. I'll see you next time around. Not to worry - you'll hear my belly laugh and I'll see your smile.

Dear mother nature:

Would you please give over and give father nature a good roll. Something needs to warm your bottom. It's -33C right now and the HIGH I said HIGH for tomorrow is minus fucking 36 fucking Celsius which when you add the wind chill it'll be -50 C. That is about -33 Fahrenheit. Are you KIDDING ME??? Oh, but it will be sunny.

You know I don't really mind winter so long as it doesn't go below minus 20 too often, but this is simply inhumane. Even Jack fucking Frost is Frozen, no wonder why he's blue.

hands in pockets

can I ... did you know ... math games...gourmet eggnog ...why ... after supper can we ... do I HAVE TO WEAR MY JACKET... science ...can I make the salad ... why do they call it a butcher... which grocery store .. for christmas I want .. is deb home ... is she your doctor now... constellations and black holes ... skating ... smartest in math...digital billboards ... can we have ... triceratops steak ... propane safety ... refrigerated food dating ... netbook usage ...super farkle ... why peanut butter has no butter in the ingredients list ... sticky snow ... how can you get tv on a computer ... can I take out the garbage ... soft pillows ... telescope lenses as big as a car ... reading handwriting - 2 quarters=half-two halves=1, one pkg butter = 2 cups ... how to get warm water from a 2 tap sink ... can we go to the deck and see Smiling Joe ... email ... cookies ... plan breakfast menu ... do we get to do laundry ... red peppers are good for you ... stickers for 2 weeks ... matching dishes ... can I vacuum ... chess ... water dispensers ... the noises radiators make ... how to hang a jacket on a chair back ... avoid asking people to do things while THEY are in the bathroom. Questions, answers and puzzles never ending.

Touch the door, window, purse, glove box, kleenex, shelves, cans, bread, bananas, shelves, boxes, cans, cart, hands in pockets , my hand, cart, milk, magazine, cashier chain, gum, batteries, door, cart, keys, cans ... the fingers graze every surface he nears without any thought involved ;)

Heh heh heh - he makes me tired but i love it.

warmer than -15C

I will CAREFULLY go to my car and see if I can get some of last Saturday's belated running around done!

Tabby

Tabby sank into the springless sofa, feet up, glass in hand, the remains of the vino tucked behind the corner where it wouldn't get spilled. The winter deep freeze had settled in but she was tucked up all cozy with her ratty old throw and fuzzy slippers. Zoning. Some crapshoot flickering on the telly, listening to the thrum and scrunch of motorcars slithering to a stop at the intersection, unconsciously waiting for the bash of yet another accident. Fender benders all, no one seriously injured, just dripping antifreeze, and crushed fiberglass. Hardly earth shattering.

Struck by the rhythm from the tv, her focus shifts to yet another pathetic attempt at engaging her compassion and saving yet more children half a world away while she could not shut out the hungry weeping of the kids across the hall. Offer to help, invite them for tea, make a difference? Sure for a useless moment, and then make another neighbourhood enemy by stomping on what little pride Nan had left.

Cocooned in her tiny flat, she had a decent paying job that she didn't detest, her kids were grown and away, she was a standard white collar worker still living in the blue collar quarter. Talented, well spoken when she paid attention, and fairly well heeled, she was comfortable in her space, but not her skin.

Too often and for no visible reason tears would course the path down her jawline to be quickly swept away by unrecognizable hands stained with age yet attached to her own arms. Another sip of wine...

a curious challenge ;)

I am a project in evolution, and though fairly sedentary I'm also perpetually in motion. I have less than a dozen relationships that lasted over a decade, not including family or work, and if I'm still hanging around it's because I love you and you symbolize a question/quality/virtue/talent/skill that I have asked/want/strive for/intrigues me/want to develop.

It's that magical connection that ignites heartsong for 5 minutes or 50 years - it's there or it isn't. I have a big heart and there are alot of strings tugging on it. All by choice ;)

That said, there are also many individuals who have crossed my slightly kooky tangential path through this life, that I didn't get to know well enough, fast enough, who piqued my curiosity and motivated me to seek them out, but the adventure was somehow interrupted and I lost the thread.

Shiny things distract me - physically and psychically.

So here is a comment from an "anonymous" source from my past and I can hear the rhythm of the voice, the phraseology, and cannot coax that visual picture to come clear. And the clues left, hmmm. I haven't worked graveyards since the HD and that was before the condo so 2001/2002 or earlier, and my hair was pretty long then. I cut it really short in spring 2007, kept it short for a year and now it's back to long and curly. See, distracted.

As for tinted glasses - I have over 30 pairs of shades, reading glasses, etc tinted or otherwise so that's not very helpful, and I spend hours on the phone which is why I'm not surprised at where I work - it was kismet.

Lady, hmmm - there's only a handful of people that call me lady and use m'dear as a part of their regular vocabulary, and require that kind of privacy...

However, the pink/red lighter thing. There's a click/spark there. Damn ... out on the mists of the memory bog and the sometimer's monster just swept it away again.

So anonymous - you have captured my attention and I'm digging through the mire of a well abused mind.

Give a girl a break.

PS - my home number is the same.

Torpid Tuesday

Apparently laundry was too much for the injured limb and I over extended it yesterday resulting in a completely locked up hip knee stiffness that said nay nay to carrying me or doing the stairs.

On the light er side - do you think I should use this for my xmas card this year ;)

17 days to santa day

and it is one cold mother$%#@er out there. Minus 40C with the wind. I wonder if I should even ATTEMPT to start the car.

Got up this morning and my whole left side - hip sciatic and knee were a solid mass - no bendy bendy. Couldn't get a sock on my foot. Thank the 100 little gods I got the anti-inflammatories yesterday on the way home from work. Heat cold heat cold and hope it loosens up.

What really sucks is that it is near the end of the year and I have used my 12 allowed sick days for the year. So it's a no pay day for me unless my boss lets me work my DO Friday in exchange. Here's hoping.

And all the best of brain vibrations to almost doctor deb.

before bed

the weekend draws to a bittersweet close, cold and cloudy but the house is toasty warm. Deb is off to her defense and I've been awake since 4:30am. I did manage to fix the flapper chain mechanism on the toilet but care of my ongoing jugheaded jerry lewis gracelessness have not managed enough stairs to complete the daunting task of laundry. Well not really daunting - only one load - but stuff I need.

Nary a thing on my weekend list did I compleat, but to find and order that elusive gift for the bunny and get the baking goods for the dotter. MMMMM mini frozen buttertarts.

The queen of xmas for decades - there is not a bell or jingjingle, a stocking or gloogumble, not even a miserly sprig of mistletoe festooning the mantel. The 8 foot tree with the 350 decorations and 500 lights quietly slumber the sleep of the unwanted in cool darkness of the dungeon. Not a card has been purchased, nor ribbon curled.

Don't get me wrong - I love Santa probably more than the next guy, and most of the gifts have now been apprehended - I just seem to be imbued with this lassitude for life in general and the season in specific. NEVER been here before.

I tried watching christmas shows and listening to music - it just makes me weepy or sleepy. With less than 3 weeks to go I need to shake of the celebratory lethargy. Maybe it's just been a really long year.

Well I'm off to sugarplum land early day tomorrow but only a 4 day week thank all the 100 little gods.

cheers

gist number i dunnow

4: 47
4: 47
4: 47
4: 47
4: 47

ON A fRIDAY.

december the threeth

Happy birthday Vi (my first ex mother in law) I hope you have a wonderific day.

I am still wondering about being the eldest living woman on my dad's side of the family at 48.

Why is it that when I close my eyes I feel like I did when I was 28 but when I look in the mirror I can't figure out who the fuck is she?

We have misplaced my seeester Patty - anybody seen her? If you do tell her to phone her father.

I have finally delved my way through the mountains of paper on my desk and with prodigious effort have reduced it to a mole hill. Knock wood. A really big stack = like half a cord or so. Hopefully I can keep it there. Wish me luck.

Tomorrow or Saturday it will be back to Brown Sugar to renew the quickly fading glory of my summer tan so that I don't look like a Newfoundlander lobster after my first day in the islands. Ahhhh sun and hydration in the depths of winter, I think I will have to experience it to really really believe it. And Anarchy will be just a skip across the ocean in Cuba when I;m there.

I'm almost done the christmas shopping except for those gifts that I want to pick up in Jamaica. I think there are only 3 left on the list.

I have pretty much given up on christmas baking but my dotter she's a damn fine cook, so we're off to the ingredient store tomorrow and soon her house will be filled with such aromas you'll be drooling before you get three steps in the door. And she makes me these teensy little butter tarts so I may still enjoy a soupcon of one of my favorite flavours.

And Deb my flat mate is off to Montreal this weekend to prepare for her PhD defense on Wednesday. She is such a masterful speaker, eloquent and precise - she'll knock them dead. I believe!

dear Santa:

For the most part (conditional)I have been a very good girl this year (opinion).
I have taken better care of myself (though it could have been better) and spent more quality time with my family (than I did last year but not a decade ago).

I have gotten over several long held resentments (though I do itch occasionally to take them back) and made some new friends (okay 3 friemds and a double handful of acquaintances).

I have not been a tart, nor have I over indulged in red wine.

I have tried to shut up and listen (which if I may say is almost as hard as eating moderately).
I have managed (just) to make solid plans to take a well deserved vacation (47 days Jamaica) with a whack of good friends (crazy sunstarved flatland mofos).

I have not kicked any small people or tortured any animals. Nor have I launched anywhere NEAR the number of verbal rejoinders that I could have.

And on that note Santa, it would be great if you would bring me ... a gift certificate for less drama.

Thank you.

december the oneth

It's here, and with a perfect intro. The snow started to fall about 7pm, just lightly drifting and within an hour became big fat wind tossed but not driven flakes that melted on the front windshield and piled up on the rear. I found myself out driving the boy and his girl for groceries - sockless and in sandals - of course, so I decided to wait in the car. I read some of my book - had a smoke, sorted through the glove box and for once didn't find anything interesting that I had forgotten about. Had a bit of a doze and started the windshield wipers every 5 minutes or so.

By the time I realized nature's call the snow was at least ankle deep in the parking lot and the kids were back to load up the trunk. It would have to wait. So we got everything into the car and began the adventure of driving on the first really slushy/icy/snowy evening of the winter.

It took 8 taps of the brakes to stop when going about 20k. There were 3 cars on sidewalks, kissing a lightpost, and up on a lawn before I got 3 blocks.

Grandma drive time. Man people should know that come the end of October, toss some sand bags in the back of the 4X4, 1/2 ton, SUV - or something. I haven't seen that many tires spinning for nothing or backends sliding sideways when the light turns green for quite some time. I just stay 5 or 6 car lengths behind them and if the dude behind me wants to go faster than 40 k to freaking bad.

Got the kids safely back to their place, and almost got picked off four times n the way to mine - only about 10 blocks - and that included a city bus. That one gave me the shivers and a little shortness of breath - he was waaay bigger than me - thank you defensive driving courses.

Got the car parked at home and made some chickeny noodle soup and watched the snow fall. All the poofy stuck to the side of the tree kind of snow. This morning it's barely below zero, tree branches are bowed with their burdens and the whole world looks pristine and sparkly. Taking a cab to work cause I don't want to go and visit SGI any time soon ;)

I'm thinking my lawn needs some snow angels.

SNOW DAY!!!!!