levels

For years now my intimates have persisted that I need a man. I maintained that I did not. A little history required here: I've been unsuccessfully married twice, was engaged to another man for 3 years in between the marriages, and after the 2nd divorce had a wonderful 3 year casual but monogamous relationship with an absolutely lovely man. The last relationship was the only one that ended with both my wallet and my dignity intact. HUGE HUGE HUGE indication that maybe I had gotten to the point where I was at least getting the general idea of how to pick a good man. That was almost 7 years ago.

So after the singularly successful relationship in my life, I decided to stay single for awhile and work on MY shit, since except for the last one I tend to subsume my whole life into my relationship, and then at the end of it have to try and figure out where all my friends have gone. So I bought myself a condo, got myself out of debt, set out to rebuild friendships old and new ( some of them have become seriously great friendships that will always be there when I need them - thank you - you know who you are)and was working on physical self improvement, when I hurt my back in 2004. That was a biggy, I was flat out for 3 months and very limited for another 6. I diagnosed myself with diabetes and had it confirmed by the medical community late in 2006,FUCK! Of course it WOULD be something that requires me to monitor everything that goes in my mouth (almost), and requires even MORE self awareness and control, and after getting those changes integrated into my life I joined a belly dancing class to become more active and healthy, where I promptly broke a piece of arthritic build up in my knee in October 2007 and underwent a knee operation in 2008. I continue to have sporadic issues with the same knee and occasionally my other foot - mostly due to my weight. I am currently waiting fot the specialist to call with an appointment, and at the same time determined to dump the poundage so it's not such a problem.

Self disciple always being a struggle for an impractical hedonist. every time I lost mobility I let the pounds come back. You know the drill up and down but always a little more up... And truly, the more weight I put on the lower my self esteem dropped, the less effort I made to fill that "empty space" in my life. However, while I lost and gained weight before my holiday but with a net loss. YAY! I lost maybe a little over 20 lbs ON holiday. And I'm fair dinkum sure that there's another 15 or so more pounds gone missing since I returned to the frozen Popsicle land. I am on a roll.

So when I put together the noticeable weight loss, the boost to self esteem from my holiday and the new leaves I've turned over I am pretty much on a spectacularly positive path. And part of that was the whole "need a man" business. I must admit the ladies and gents were correct. I'm a fair transparent individual so good friends know what's going on with me. I am a loquacious piece of work.

However, it may not have been in the way you may be thinking. What I needed was to have someone actually make me believe that I was desirable. To give me concrete proof that I could not later deny. I had lost my sense of "I am woman hear me roar" that has been a lifelong mainstay. I needed to ignite my inner sparkle and unabashed joy in life. To regain my sense of being soft and vulnerable yet strong, without feeling like a patsy being played.

And I got that. On several levels. And once I was past my own bias and the stuck emotional doors were reopened, I actually REALIZED how much I'd missed those pieces of me. I can even look in the mirror - straight on, and say "pretty good dorlin'" - which has been totally unheard of in a long fuckin' time.

I have also determined that I still want to be single. I want a lover not a "permanent relationship". A space where I can continue to explore my newfound me-ness with someone else who also wants to maintain their independence of self. I want to regenerate the saucy wench that I love so much. I do not want to lose myself to twoness again and I probably would. My singleton status was hard fought and I have never been able to really explore it without all the entanglements of children and family and outside responsibilities. Now, it's just me, free.

Look out, the demon has been released!