December 20, 2009

another d day

Two wills colliding before the first breath. She told me when I was 28 that she knew before I was born that it would be a struggle that she wasn't likely to win. At 31 I lost when she left me behind.

None of the bad stuff matters now.

I wasn't ready. I am still not ready. I've had 4 hours sleep since 6am Friday morning. I am heartsick and lonely and still lost. I am afraid to go to sleep because I wake up weeping. For most of the rest of the year I can tuck it away in a corner deluding myself that I am happy, that everything is okay/will be okay, yet my holiday season seems always to be haunted.

I can no longer hear her voice. I cannot build her image in my imagination. The aroma of doublemint or juicy fruit is missing. There is only this huge hole in my heart that refuses to heal and on days like today I don't think I want it to.

All the other deaths - I can deal.

My default is to hermitize so I push myself and bury myself in the business of the season, surrounding myself with those I love. I avoid being alone where I can, but the ache it still creeps in.

You would be so proud of the people that my kids are turning out to be and my grandkids miss you even though they never got a chance to meet you.

Wish you were here.


Schmutzie said...

I wish I could relieve you of some of your grief. She would be proud of your family.

dk said...

Thanks darlin. I just miss her.

The Lost One said...

I lost mine too DK, and she's still with me. It's a rough season, that it surely is, and I feel the same pain you do, I think?

Add to that the loss of 1 other and this season turns into a rollercoaster. Trying to be up, but knowing at the next turn you will be screaming your way to the bottom again, it's not pretty, no it's not.
But m'dear, take comfort in that you have others still here to help, to "surround yourself with". And maybe offer up a kind word for those of us that have no one to do that with. Most time of the year it matters not, but at this time in particular, the pain goes so deep that you feel it will never come out again, buried within your very being and entwined with your soul. And it's claws are the proverbial razors, cutting and shredding, as it tries for the total control that it wants, that it needs, to do it's evil deed and leave you an empty shell. It's a hard fight, that has been won year after year, but each year it seems to grow more difficult to win, or even to know why you want to or need to.

We can only hope that maybe next year it will be better, but if history is the teacher, then this student has learned his lesson well, the pit of hell will wait for me again.

P.S. I'm sorry I haven't written yet Lady DK, but illness has been taking it's toll here. Mostly physical, but some mental too, and not all in my house, but in another's that I try to care for. And the depths have come up to grab me yet again, so I very rarely feel like writing, it's hard to do from within this shell I've tried to create. But I do still promise that I will make contact, very soon I hope, and then you will know, or maybe not, it depends on the impressions left as you well know. If it be of any comfort to you though, you left a very deep impression, a very warm one within me. And I, the lost soul, would dearly love to make that contact, even if just to regain a budding friendship over the old-fashioned speaking device. That device is a comfort, it's a warm voice creating echos in a very empty domicile that is full of things. But not the right things, just inanimate ones that offer no comfort. The voice however, takes away that haunting of this place and replaces it with a feeling of smiles deep inside, even if it is but temporary. It is still wanted, and appreciated, and I am hoping that it may be returned to your lost soul in some measure, no matter how small.

Soon m'lady, very soon.

improvise & overcome

... and why would I choose to associate myself with a term that most used used in a derogatory manner?
In order to change the meaning of a word or create a new meaning for a word, one must own the word. Over time and use the word may evolve to mean other than was originally intended & to that end...
my definition: an independent woman

dictionary definitions:

1. informal term for a (young) woman
2. an unsupervised umarried woman
3. a young woman or girl, esp. a peasant girl.
(usually facetious)
3. a woman servant
4. a wanton woman
5. Archaic: a strumpet
[Origin: 1250–1300; ME, back formation from wenchel, OE wencel child]

synonom :"dame"

Women Entitled to Nothing but Complete Happiness

International Wenches Guild

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