This month, gifts and gift-giving can seem inescapable. What's the most memorable gift, tangible or emotional, you received this year?
This is too easy. Watching my son grin like a cheshire cat, from the tips of his toes to the top of his head. Tooth pain free. BooYah!
Describe a defining moment or series of events that has affected your life this year.
You know, that's kind of funny. In many of these reverb posts and actually in posts I have made all year are shining tidbits of the glory that is me.
The year started in trepidation as I risked my comfortable bubble and stepped back into the world. As it happens it was more a sashay and dive. Either way, this year has been all about grabbing life with both hands and riding the wave with the occasional attempt to divert it's direction to discover something else I'd lost along the way.
We had a familyy reunion in Sawn River this year and we had a family service in this teeny ancient little church (our family filled it) that family members generations ago had both built and served in. My Aunt Marg asked me to do one of the readings for the service, and it happened to be about oneness, by Thich Nhat Han. Not only was I honoured to be invited to do the reading, the subject was something I have been conciously practicing this year so it really resonated with me. It just seemed too conincidental not mean something. But of course it did. We are all part of everything, everything is in us. This year I had a multitude of moments where I was one with the universe. It may sound corny, but I only hope that you get that chance too.
It's life changing.
Our most profound joy is often experienced during ordinary moments. What was one of your most joyful ordinary moments this year?
Watching & listening to my grandkids Devi & Seth trying to keep their collective cool while wrangling over whose turn it was to sleep over at my place. They are my joy together and apart. All I need is to hear either of their voices and I have a better day.
But it's still super stupendous to feel that "wanted", and to know that they pay attention about communicating with each other. You should hear the arguements that they can marshall forth in defense of their desire for it to be "my turn".
I'm waiting for the day when one of them tries the bait & switch. I wonder if it will work?
What did you eat this year that you will never forget? What went into your mouth & touched your soul?
I have a very intimate relationship with food. I don't believe I can share this with anyone yet. let me just say it was very tasty.
Sift through all the photos of you from the past year. Choose one that best captures you; either who you are, or who you strive to be. Find the shot of you that is worth a thousand words. Share the image, who shot it, where, and what it best reveals about you.
I shot this the end of the 8th day in Jamaica. January 2010.
It's the best because there I am - all of the little bits of lost pieces found and put together in one very transparent package. And I am bone deep happy.
How do you beat that?
What was the best moment that could serve as proof that everything is going to be alright? And how will you incorporate that discovery into the year ahead?
Well actually, everything may not end up being "alright", that's for the future to know and reveal to me once I get there. Sure they can be alright in the sense that you're still alive and the earth is still turning - but that does not mean that every thing is ALL RIGHT.
That said, I improvise & overcome and take it as it's served.
Imagine yourself five years from now. What advice would you give your current self for the year ahead? (Bonus: Write a note to yourself 10 years ago. What would you tell your younger self?)
Hope for the best, plan for the worst. That way even the nasty surprises aren't quite.
dk. Do not let the words and actions of the people that you care about interfere with your life. They are opinions and perspectives and often not very thoroughly thought out. Trust your intuition. Sure you may be wrong sometimes but that's how we learn.
Do not shut off parts of your life because you are afraid of being hurt. Pain fades, wounds heal, and you won't have missed an opportunity.
Let's meet again, for the first time. If you could introduce yourself to strangers by another name for just one day, what would it be and why?
It would be sugar pants. "Hello, I'm sugar pants."
Can you imagine? That nomenclature seems to make a lot of people uncomfortable. It is sassy and not PC at all. I like when people are uncomfortable because their body language is so much more truthful.
The people that aren't uncomfortable are generally laughing with me.
How did you travel in 2010? How and/or where would you like to travel next year?
I went on my first winter vacation to a tropical destination by aeroplane. I packed everything but the kitchen sink. I didn't use half of what i took. Strange since I pack so well for camping. Remember - you may have to haul all that luggage fronmt the terminal to the transfer bus and then walk several blocks with it at the resort.
This year I'm traveling to the same place but waaaay lighter. Bathing suits, cotton dresses, shorts, a couple of tank tops, sandals, runners and a pair of heels, two dressup outfits (dressing for dinner). Minimal makeup - eyeliner, shadow and blush - that's it. 1 shampoo and 1 conditioner - no spray or straighteners mousse etc - there`s no point;) Basic jewelry. No pillows, towels, or housecoats but I will take my mini USB fan that runs off my laptop. Only 2 books. One hat. Only 3 pairs of shades. No big sweeater to the airport either, I`ll smoke in the car and brave the cold between the car and the terminal, hauling it through the aeroport later in 110% humidity is not to be done twice.
Better laptop/electronics/camera bag this year - easier to get things in and out, room for documents & a book, meds and my litre bag of 100ml bottles. Take sandwiches on plane.
Pick one touristy thing to do a week and otherwise relax.
Practice with skype BEFORE I go.
Park the car at the kids so if there's a snowstorm of epic proportions towing is not something you have to worry about.
Call the bank and the plastic keepers and tell them you're going out of country so they don't muck about with your authorizations.
Take your own alarm clock.
2 bottles each of sunscreen and moisturizer. (I ran out last time)
It's still like yesterday and forever away.
I awoke weeping, not knowing why until I saw the date on the calendar.
And it's a full moon.
Now I understand why I wanted to get floor licking drunk yestereve.
Your image in my mind's eye has been gone for a while but I carry you in my heart everywhere I go.
Amanda is getting married next year. Her dress is beautiful, she looks like a princess. The kids are hilarious. Devi's 10 going on drama 25, and Seth is an irascible 9. Stages. Chris is workin' hard and doing his damnedest to meet his responsibilities.
Murray has the most gorgeous smile and he's not sick all the time anymore. He's still dealing with an ulcer but even that is starting to heal up now. There's some positive stuff going on there and he's back to talking about school. He and Nola have been together over a year now, a little rocky sometimes but they're working through it, much like everyone else :)
Patty and I were laughing at you on her birthday, remembering when you were "visioning" your eyesight better and nearly ran me over with the truck.
Patty is finally getting the man she deserves. You'd love Jeff, he's a keeper. What's great is that he truly appreciates all that she is, and tells her. Patty is happy.
Liza and Brian are working on growing the biz & I think things are going well. Liza certainly seems happier.
All the kids are doing their thing. The Beez calls me KK now.
We had a family reunion in Swan this summer. It was glorious but would have been a million times better if you had been there.
Love you.
What should you have done this year but didn't because you were too scared, worried, unsure, busy or otherwise deterred from doing? (Bonus: Will you do it?)
I'm thinking that I would have to say the big one was drop some more weight. This year I mostly concentrated on reducing my intake of processed foods, increasing the WHOLE foods and downsizing the portions. This certainly helped and I dropped 45 pounds since last January.
BUT....
I know I need to exercise. And I have totally avoided it. I have taken short half hearted stabs at being more active and usually end up hurting myself in the process. But that's not why I avoided it. No matter what my "out loud" excuse was there are really only two reasons why I avoided it. The first is because I self sabotage (working on it) and the second is because I am lazy.
And I am perfectly aware of both of those flaws.
Will I do something about it you ask?
I have a plan.
When I get back from Jamaica at the end of January (I lost 20 pounds there last year in 2 weeks and I got into an active groove) I am joining the YMCA and I will waterwalk and swim, or even just walk walk - inside where there's no ice to wipe out on. But I will exer(shiver)cise a minimum of twice week, the aim is for 3-4 times a week by summer.
Look out 50 here I come!
What healed you this year? Was it sudden, or a drip-by-drip evolution? How would you like to be healed in 2011?
What do you want to try next year? Is there something you wanted to try in 2010? What happened when you did / didn't go for it?
In the words of the great one
There is DO, or DO NOT. THERE IS NO TRY.
That said I did all kinds of new things this year because at the beginning I had decided to go back to my normal "risktaker" mode that I had put away several years ago in favour of "normalcy". It was an EPIC success. I ate new foods, went new places, broadened my horizons. I found some missing parts of myself, let go of some unneeded parts and redefined the rest, the miracle suit will have to do until I lose the rest of the unwanted bits;)
On the balance I also got hurt more but healed and grew stronger through the tribulations. I believe I lived this year growing and doing less damage to myself and those around me.
BTW, my mom always told me that "Try" is an "I don't want to word.
What was the best thing you learned about yourself this past year? And how will you apply that lesson going forward?
You need to not listen to your own negative selftalk because sometimes you are SO convincing...
I no longer listen to ALL of the inside voices. I am being more discriminating and attempting to listen to only the positive ones;)
How has a friend changed you or your perspective on the world this year? Was this change gradual, or a sudden burst?
First let me say thank you to the 100 little gods for the plethora of friends that keep in contact with me. And honestly, sometimes it IS them keeping in contact with me - though lately it has been me keeping in contact with them. See saw marjorey daw... anyway - each of them has influenced change in me. That's what friends do.
Anyway, people change every minute of every day and as does one's perspective, though often you are not even aware of the process until the day you find yourself with your mouth open and words you never expected to hear from your own self. are tumbling pithily over your lips. wtf?
Then there's the epiphanous change ~ the instantaneous non-regulation burst ~ that usually scares hell out of several persons of interest, not the least yourself.
In my ongoing attempt at personal evolution, here is the list of criticisms my friends knowingly or not, laid down about me, that I have tried to be aware of and change (where I thought I should because some of these are just wrong) in 2010. Did it work? Only they would know.
I am always talking about me.
I am too hard on myself.
I should recognize that I am beautiful.
I think I am always right.
I am apparently, a religious bigot.
I am fat and unhealthy and will die soon if I don't do something about it.
(this originates from you need to exercise and watch what you eat)
I talk too much about my holiday.
I need to be in a relationship.
I'm too old to be hanging around with some of my friends.
I don't spend enough time with my family.
I should shut the hell up.
I take too many pictures.
I should dye my hair all the time to hide the white/grey.
I party too much.
I should take some more university classes.
I gossip.
I am always with the drama ...
Yup I think that's about it. While there is certainly some truth in there - it also raised a question with me. What or who exactly do these people see me as?
So in paying attention to my friends critiques I have to wonder if some of them are really my friends.
Imagine you will completely lose your memory of 2010 in five minutes. Set an alarm for five minutes and capture the things you most want to remember about 2010.
This year has so many memories that 5 minutes just won't cut it, which is but one of the many reasons I am such a camera freak. My friends call me the Archivist ;)
Thus and so:
The juxtaposition of the poshness of the resort with the paucity of choice in the market. FRESH blue mountain coffee. grilled lobster on the beach. tropical downpour. my connection with my planet, guess I'm not alien after all. the grandeur and the intimacy of the ocean. Kory & Bren, biff & SKD, Kerry & Beffie - Marguerita ville and Rick's - too much fun. crispies. airplane rides;) fluffiness. air so heady you can smell the jungle growing. curried goat & jamaican patties.
Deb finished her Diss! Taraarah boomdeay's 30th bday at Malibu's place!Losing my friend John. sworn in at Eagles. Lloyd. St Paddy's where the OHanlons crew migrated to the Abbey for $5 pints and a place where we could smoke without having to wait in line to get back in. Devi's 10th birthday - salon & limo ride. Brad's wedding. penis puppets with Anna. Mur & Nola's open house feed the masses party. Queen review with Stacy. Handsome Joe's 30th bday. Seth's first baseball team winning the City Champs. Castro. Davis Beach and the sanitarium. camping. Goldie's unicorn. Swan River reunion and getting to know Michael. fusion's new website. new teeth. Jase and Dave and wine. karaoke. Murray's new smile. booking my next vacation. painting stuff blue for dad. new clothes a smaller size. Amanda's sunday dinners and Chris' helpfulness.
Found old poetry and older pictures. Brent's 40th. sleepovers with the grands. Brenda running away to Hollywood. made new old friends. the Keg for my bday. lunch at the Creek with Amanda. all the new babies. Anarchy leaving us. Kevin's hardwood floor. Winnipeg with Kory to see Brenda,Solid Gold, Hooters and the crazy cast. grey cup. turning 49 ;)my new kitchen light and plans for kitchen in Feb 2011.
Hmmm. So what does that actually mean to me? What do I get out of blogging? I don't have many followers, there aren't a ton of strangers popping by to read my words. I am not making any effort to induce them to pop by either, so what is it that motivates me to continue?
I like to see my words writ clear.
This is ever so much easier to read than my handwriting.
I have met some pretty funky people here.
I can ask big questions or little questions or generally rant on about my topic of the moment and none asks "Where's your inside voice?"
For those I don't see often enough, it's a way for them to keep current, much as I do when creeping their blogs.
It is an ongoing conversation with myself, and it's gfreat so long as not too many me's are trying to talk all at once.
Happy blogiversary!
What's the one thing you have come to appreciate most in the past year? How do you express gratitude for it?
I appreciate those days where the universes come together in harmony and provide me with a pain free day. On those days I know I've trod the right path somehow.
I express my gratitude by living that particular day very well, staying in the moments as they are revealed to me.
This year, when did you feel the most integrated with your body? Did you have a moment where there wasn't mind and body, but simply a cohesive YOU, alive and present?
This is EXACTLY why I need to retire to Jamaica.I stepped of the plane and was HOME.
Immediate connection, not just body mind but body mind planet. The air was the right weight, every breath brought more life inside me, bathed in great sol's abundance, it tasted of home. Susurro of the ocean reflected in the sway of my step. My eyes widened and my skin drank in the richness. the stress string that ties the body in knots just slipped away.
And then I went out on the ocean. In a little wooden fishing boat about 15 feet long and 5 feet wide. The swell is taller than the boat and moves you. Once you integrate the oceanic groove with the woody vibe of the outboard, sunkissed skin and the burst of salt spray as you crest some cross chop - it just doesn't get any better.
It was freeing that ride. It was where I belonged right there, right then. I almost got lost there. No place in particular and everywhere at once. No need to speak, just lean back and let the wind clear my soul. Embraced by mother sea, knowing that every atom that was me was perfectly in harmony with every other.
Seared effortlessly into my heart - I need but to close my eyes and breath in just a little bit of quiet and I can take myself right back there. All connected.
Update: Peter installed my kitchen light fixture today! YAY!!!! It has been sitting in my hallway 3 weeks shy of 2 years.
and it is now on the ceiling - with a dimmer for those days when you don't want to know about the spots on the stainless.
YAYYYY!!!!! Cupboards!!!!!to be installed in February 2011 - another great thing to look forward to :) thank you Brian - can hardly wait to see the plans.
What are 11 things your life doesn't need in 2011? How will you go about eliminating them? How will getting rid of these 11 things change your life?
I don't believe I actually have 11 things in my life to get rid of, unless we are talking specific finite objects.
1. My extra weight. Fewer carbs, smaller portions, exercise => live better.
2. I'm sure half the stuff in the hall closet. Clean sweep time. For some reason I keep all the boxes that stuff comes in and I have a hard time letting go of jackets I no longer wear. Will allow me to find what I'm looking for in half the time and give me a place to stash my secret santa ;)
3. $$ stress. I have an appointment with a financial planner who will assist me in making my jamaican retirement dream come true resulting in no worries about my future so I can live more in today.
4. I know I need to quit smoking. I've reduced to a carton every 3 weeks. I'm not sure how I am going to stop completely because I don't really want to. But it's on the list. I'll be healthier, my insurance will cost WAY less, my clothes won't smell and that's $1560 I won't burn through. Strangely that's what my hotel costs for 3 weeks on the island. hmmmmmm.
5. Purposefully stupid people. I will have to stop thinking that they will - at some point - change their minds and get it together. Let 'em go. Less aarrgghh! for me.
If I come up with anything else I'll add it later.
What was the wisest decision you made this year, and how did it play out?
I read the prompt and the only thing I could come up with was, "What IS wisdom?"
I have to think about this one . . .
The wisest decision that I made this year was to live my life as close to in the moment - every moment - with guts and gusto while welcoming risk with open arms.
There have been epic wins and some minor failures. I learned more about myself. I made new friends. I participated in more events. I was way less lonely. I am learning to find my outside shape as appealing as my inside one. I say "no" more often. I am more hands off where I should and more hands on when I want to. I have gotten more accomplished on the gotta be done list and shortened the bucket list.
But best of all I have acted compassionately more consistently.
What social gathering rocked your socks off in 2010?
And back to the island I go ;) Wednesday at Margueritaville with BrendaKor, biff girl and Skinny Dave, theWolf, Beffy and DOC. OMG what hilarity ensued!~ Planted in chairs that kept sinking into the sand so that eventually you just crawled out of them or stayed where you were. 29 degrees on the beachfront with an ocean breeze (can't you just smell it),taking a dip in the ocean when you got too warm. Literally buckets of ice cold beer and good greasy bar food.
Making the server girls smile, especially when they brought around bottles for the customer shots - free pour directly down your throat. THE BEST sunset, and happy shiny people. Beats goin', no problem smokin',
Live music, fire dancers, magic Kerry in a grass skirt and "The best lookin' Canadian Man at Margueritaville Contest" - bwahahah - gloriously funny.
Then late night supper once we got back to the resort with jamaican patties and turkey - Brenda laughed so hard she almost had a drink come out her nose - I almost fell off my chair - and we all wobbled happily together back to our rooms for a nap until dawn.
Reflect on all the things that make you different - and light other people up.
"Transparency" is my goal, like the original scotch tape. I don't hide my virtues or my flaws and I tend to stick to people. WYSIWYG - what you see is what you get. Though what you see is always a work in progress so you may be guaranteed that it will not be the same every time. In a world gone paranoid of personal security and identity theft I offer myself entire to everyone I trust upon meeting. C'mon - I'm instinctual and optimistic not a blind idealist - I know there are some untrustworthy strangers out there. I do profer them the opportunity to earn my trust. For those untrustworthy souls that I am familiar with, they know exactly how I feel about it.
"Laughter" I adore laughter. As Reader's Digest says It is the BEST medicine! And there simply is never enough of it. Laughter opens one to all the goodness happy joyous vibes in the universe and I think everyone deserves to get a little happy on. So I do what I can to induce that state even, occasionally, when it would be politically inappropriate but compassionately effective.
I LOVE to talk about the which is unproven;) Call them the 100 little gods/goddesses/deities/spirits/non-anthropomorphic expressions of the unknown. SO many people shy away from any discussion that is real, that touches what you BELIEVE, and yet I think that is one of the most interesting values an individual holds. It describes how they value things, it supports how they communicate, it determines the type of guilt they suffer through ;) I work very hard at staying open minded about other people's life path choices, though it has been pointed out to me recently that I have been denigrating christianity recently. For that I most heartily apologize. I have some personal bias there that bubbles up this time of year, though it isn't the fault of christianity per se, but a poor judgement call by one its authority figures.
I am a culture sponge. Describe it to me, feed me its food, let's groove to its music, revel in its art. Lets eat its literature and wraps ourselves its pattern and colours.
I am a bona fide geek of the first water who is a communicator by natural inclination and trade. Science and spirituality are my refuge. I am a 49 year old women with the wonder of an 8 year old child.
A slightly kooky sherman tank.
Well I cook - so I make a lot of things and I make a sincere effort at using whole foods (thank you son) and trying new flavours and textures to expand my palate. So the last seriously GOOD thing I made was Chili about 10 days ago. A ton of tomatoes, ground beef, white/yellow/red onions, celery, shredded carrots, mushrooms, garlic, brown baked beans/red beans/black beans (but no kidney beans I am still getting used to their texture), 3 or 4 red peppers, an orange pepper, a little demarra, lots of chili powder, Tabasco, Worcestershire, cayenne, paprika, hot sauce, Tony's creole spice and a handful of dried chili seeds. Man it was some delicious with just enough heat. Always better if you simmer for a day.
What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why?
This year I have LET GO and double handful of thing but the most life changing would be a 4 decades old fear. I have been afraid of the dentist - not girly afraid - I mean a deep seated psychological terror inducing anxiety attacks and projectile vomiting - and that is before I even SIT in the chair, since the age of 12. I turned 49 this year.
Induced by a catastrophic visit to the dentist at a tender age and I am sure exaggerated by my oh so vivid imagination, i avoided that chair with every ounce of will power I had. The only way my new dentist would deal with me was to put me completely out and do the work so that I woke up with it all done. I could NOT sit in the chair without moving and crying and OH! what a to do. The sound of any kind of drill would occasionally paralyze me.
At 18, during my first pregnancy, the majority of the enamel on my teeth flaked off. Time for dentures the dentist said. So I went through the process - anesthetized - but only did the tops. (my mom always told me the bottoms were the worst and to hold onto them as long as I could - (though I seriously doubt she meant for me to go as far as I went)
Anyway, by 30, the bottoms were an "issue" ragged jagged, cracked and the abscesses started. By 40 I had learned not smile while showing the bottom teeth and regular would nick my tongue on the sharp edges in the back. It wasn't good. I would get an abscess in the same spot about every 3 months and my face would swell and my eye would go black and blue ..... yada yada yada. Antibiotics and lectures from my doctor to no avail. AT 42 I HAD TO REPLACE MY TOP DENTURE AND i WARNED THE NURSES OF MY FEAR - WHICH THEY POOH POOH POOHED. Mistake on their part. There wasn't even any pain involved just the whole impression process but I was F_R_E_A_K_E_D right out. At one point I thought I was suffocating and I| think I sacred one of the kids in the open spaced dental room that they wouldn't get back in the chair. Suffice it to say that it was not a happy day.
Then I had problems with the new plate. Teeth kept breaking off, it had a weird overbite and it felt like it was too big for my mouth. I tried to discuss it with the dentist who had them made and they just gave me the cold shoulder once they had my $800. Every time I had to get the plate fixed it would cost me $40. At one point two teeth broke off on a Thursday at 4 in the afternoon and I had to leave town for a family gathering the next day - a holiday so the denturist was closed - and through a process of elimination came up with my own solution: the toughest waterproof crazy glue Canadian Tire had. Be damned if it didn't work perfectly. For years.
At 45 I had decided that I really needed to get the bottoms pulled. I had a low grade abscess all the time in one tooth, pieces of the teeth were breaking off, it tasted so bad - all the time. I had a dental plan - I needed to look after myself and use it.
I started to make dentist appointments. In 2 1/2 years I made 8 appointments with 8 different dentists and actually made it to the parking lots of 2 of them.
This year, with a recommendation from several of my friends, mojo in hand, I made it inside the dentist's office for a consultation. White knuckled, fingers leaving grooves in the edge of the reception desk the nurse asked if I was okay. I almost turned and ran. Instead, tears dripping down my face I looked at her and said, "I am so afraid - just the smell makes me sick." And instead of putting me down or outright laughing at me - as others had done - she said "no problem we'll get this done as quickly as possible and see what we could do to make it less traumatic." And she did.
Arrangements were made, I had 2 months to get myself ready for game day and my lovely new dentist used anesthetic right in the office to make me stupid but not comatose. I went in on torture morning relatively calm, went to sleep and the next thing I knew I was being woken up and all 14 teeth were gone in an hour and a half. After that experience my visits to a GREAT denturist were a piece of cake.
Today I have a great smile, no more abscess, and fear be gone.
There have been so many.
January 20, 2010 - the 4th day of my first out of North America winter holiday. Negril, Jamaica. I found the misplaced pieces of me - an excerpt from my journal: "I started to sing inside and out, whenever the mood took me, do a little two foot shuffle as I crossed the lounge just for the sheer joy of it. Body size started to matter only when it became an inconvenience like a narrow chair or a ladder. My bounce was back. I quit taking everything except my vitamins and felt even better. When complimented I said thank you instead of looking at my feet and mumbling something unintelligible. The chin came up and so did everything else, I felt taller."
and my lingerie matched ;)
Hah! So much for NaBloPloMo. Today is brought to you by the word "blog" recombinated with the word "week", new word for me. the Bleek, the blog I apparently cannot find enough time to update - except for once a week, and even that limit is fairly flexible dependant upon what adventures have launched since the last Bleek.
This week has been full of fun and frivolity and an attempt to make my Visa blush by using it like a Times Square hooker.
I have managed to purchase all of my santa presents except 2, I used my work technology loan to purchase a new Canon Rebel with both the 18-55 and 75-300 telephoto lens along with 2 new 500G free agent go drives (love 'em - size of a pack of smokes and they need no external power source), the dotter's wedding gown has been shipped and is on its way from TO, an anticipated package from Ghunzang post office is on it's way to me via Vancouver, and the ThinkGeek box got here Wednesday last.
I spent a lovely evening out with the dotter looking at shiny things and of course could not walk away without something ... but this time it was for me. A lovely pale green and purple jade buddha that simply called me over and said "hey, why am I still in this case?". They gave me 20%, wine, munchies and flowers ... yay!
My toes are all pretty and pink with sparkly flowers care of my Pixx and the deadends are long gone from the white/grey/brown/red curls gracing my vanilla latte fake baked bod. Me & the colour god have a meeting in late december about 2 weeks before my escape to warmer climes. I'm thinking a nice warm golden brown.
Thursday opened the door to the weekend madness with tequilas all around and 10 little wings for supper. Pints with the eagles crowd and forward ho to the Hub where - somehow - the Patron showed up for Minda Sheri & I and thank you brother for the ride home. Sorry for forgetting to put your hat & gloves back in the truck.
Of course my need to feel included reared it's monstrous mug once again as evidenced by my subconscious effort to join the Biff girl club when I managed to get across the street, up the stairs, and into the condo before I tripped - hands full of gift bags including the schmancy new camera - and did a lip stand in my hallway. Whacked the fireside bench with my face as I laid myself out head to toe on the hardwood. Timmberrrrr! And rolled around for 10 minutes laughing at the absurdity of it all until the cheekbone started to complain. holy mother. The knee didn't pipe up until Friday morning of course.
I got to spend several hours dallying over a lovely nuncheon with the pretty girl catching up and laughing and being picky about walnuts. Our little side trip to XLS cargo was fruitless but I believe I have inherited a couple of winter jackets - yay!
Met the boyos at the pub for pints and Dave called shenanigans. Once we managed to take over the big table it was decided that wine at my place would be much less expensive if not less crowded and the next leg of Fraturday ensued. With a condofull of people - 10 or 11 - most of whom had never been to my place before - we cranked on some tunes and yakked about everything from god to art until about midnight at which point privacy was abandoned for the heavy bass of the dance groove at the barbar. Needless to say it was a late night ;)
Saturday was family day. Decisions were made for Boxing Day christmas dinner at Dad & Viv's in the Jaw along with much razzing of the seester and her building block lego sheds to make her 2200 sq foot house for $50k. I bet it'll work. Brian agreed to get the drawing for the kitchen done, and Amanda and I inherited some more clothes for her/Devi/Me. The roads were so smushy I almost got stuck leaving her place to get the groceries I'd forgotten Friday.
Then it was boot it back to my place to take some semi-formal pictures of the PattyJeffness - which turned out smashing by the way - with my new camera. Out for dinner with the crew and then watched a couple of old black & whites with the footsies up after I finished making the mmmm stuffing for tomorrow's turkey and cloved demarra glaxe for the ham. It's gonna be delish I tells ya.
And then Grey Cup day dawned a little crispy and the flatlanders hopes were burning bright. Off to Skinny Dave & Biff girl's place with Kory who won the turkey & the ham we're cooking, Minda's doing the marguerita's with my El Jimador,and Dave's organizing the seating. An old time get the families together Grey Cup party. The food was excellent, the company hilarious and the game ... well not so much. I thought the riders did a fair good job win or lose - but then what do I know, I'm a Bombers fan ;) It was kind of nice to have company.
Monday it's back to work - still lots of things to get done on the todo list - but isn't there always!
happy santa y'all
I've always been about the vibrations - the whorls and eddies created in the current of the planetary chi. I believe our intent as well as our actions create movement in the multiverse and this idea that Schmutzie found fits in rather well. I'm not likely to do one everyday, more likely I will act on those that move me ;)
The first one is a gooder:
ONE WORD that encapsulates all of your experience for 2010 - and explain why.
Then ONE WORD that you look forward to encapsulating the entirety of 2011 once you get there.
2010: risktaker
Epiphanies and dirges infected my year like chickenpox in a daycare. And at almost every step I did NOT take the safe road, as I have been doing low these many years. I ACTED instead of just dreaming or considering or talking. Yes I had some epic fails but I had more epic successes. Lesson learned: LIVE your life.
2011: Well-lived
To put into practice what I learned this year on a daily go forward basis.
...and the weekend whizzed past with whirling snow and freeze your tootsies chilly, the todo list remains incomplete, but the decisions for countertop and door insets were made. I am trying to maintain the ambience of my 96 year old condo while bringing the kitchen up to snuff. Solid oak with lots of pot drawers, modern drawer inserts, some glass cabinetry and peekaboo inserts for the top cupboards so I can drag out the good china from the basement boxes. Highlighted with stainless appliances large and small and smooth round stainless stell racking for the sink wall. Now I only have to decide which of the two drastically different harware patterns will work the best.... damn, I like them both.
Pints with a couple friends, brunch with others and an overdue coffee date with my PJ. Took some pictures of the geese all huddled on the lake and went on a tour of the Homes for the Holidays with my seester.
I did not get the laundry done so that'll have to be tonight.
I will miss her every day but change is eternal ...
thank you crackbook.
A couple of months ago I ran into an old friend - strike that - a friend from the olden days and we got to chatting. Catching up - finding out what we'd been doing etc. That incident triggered the old back brain files, long tucked away in a shadowy, pre-first marriage corner, to start chirping for attention from the forebrain. I started wondering about people I hadn't seen nor heard much of for 35 years. (real olden days OMG!) So I decided to start hunting some of them up on crackbook.
Lo and behold, though many of them are not aficionados of technology, a few of them were.
So today, Kelly and Sean and I went for coffee, which turned into 3 hours of sharing, many hugs, catching up and making plans to stay in touch this time.
Like magic, all I had to do was close my eyes and I was immediately transported to the week after I was released from juvenile hall ... the voices were almost exactly the same, a little smokey and rough around the edges, but I swear that for a few moments I was 15 again. Those voices made my heart lift. I haven't had any friends that didn't originate until after I was 19 for a very very long time. It's good to know that at least a few of us (rather unbelievably) have made it this far.
And then I'd open my eyes and yup, I was confronted with reality, we're old, wrinkled and grey haired. But we're still here.
Woop woop
Can I remember to write something here every day of Movember? Maybe, and can't know if I don't try so...
Today's song is brought to you by the foundering memory of a 49 year old woman and mishap with the hallowe'en laundry:
Glitter glitter everywhere,
even in the underwear.
Usually I just don't care,
But damn it itches way down there.
with 50 staring me straight in the face. I just want to push 50 down the hill and skip to 55.
Last year the goals were to take off some weight, get my teeth fixed, and actually go to a different country for a vacation. Check, Check Check.
There was some serious transformation goin' on with me last year. I found some very precious lost, well maybe not lost, but definitely stuffed away to the back of the closet, pieces of myself. I now have 4 pink shirts, several very tarty dresses and a renewed dk attitude.
I found my way back, even though I'm still renovating the shape (but really - who isn't?), to loving myself inside and out.
I re-embraced emotional risk-taking and dumped the wishy washy too-safe politically correct socially appropriate responses to direct questions. I enjoy confrontation. I like to argue. I am back to my blunt self and people can love me or take a freakin hike.
I have relinquished my remaining control over my children's lives, my family's lives and my friends lives, and made the choice to interject my pearls of wisdom then stand back and watch the show. Quite a show some days;)
So this year's goals - hmmm. Have fun. Say what I mean. Don't get arrested. Reduce the weight and the debt and take another vacation.
and avoid snow storms.
Happy 49th birthday to me;)
I am thankful for:
~ the good health that myself and most of my friends and family enjoy.
~ a job I am happy going to almost every day
~ beautiful smart and independent grandchildren
(and the kids are pretty great too)
~ a new reason to smile every day
~ colour
~ music
~ being able to dance down my hallway
~ financial stability
~ the vision of new kitchen cupboards
~ moments of serenity and clarity
~ the interwebs for keeping me connected to those I care about no matter how far away they are.
Happy turkey day
When it comes right down to it, I am making some serious headway on my goals. I got over, or maybe I should say through, my fear of the dentist and now have a pearly white smile. There will have to be a few adjustments and I find myself learning to chew all over again, but there will be no more abscess, no more gum disease, and they look mmmmarvelous;) win-win
The whole mega mass issue has always been an up and down thing for me, more up than down but c'est la vie. However, I've lost a net of at least 35 pounds since January and I am using the soup soup to stay off the upswing. A balanced diet with all the things I'm supposed to have and an attempt at seriously exerting my will when I want those things that are evil like fires and gravy or KFC and other fast foods goes hand in hand with curtailing the hops calories. It will likely take me 5 years to reach my goal, but it took me 10 to put it on. Another win-win.
I took on a project this summer and found myself banging my head against the wall because I could not find the brain drawer that I put those skills in when I quit using them 4 years ago. There was a soft spot on my desk where I had been banging my head when I realized - ah - why not install dreamweaver. Took me long enough. It's all about the right tools for the job. Job complete - on time, clients happy and so am I. My kitchen renos will now be way less expensive than when I first started planning them. win-win.
And then there's the exercise thing. Historically, every time I start some new regimen, I end up hurting myself. In the last couple of months I've decided to attack it a different way. I take longer steps when I walk. I do more stairs, but let's not kid ourselves, not that many more. I dance around my house. And I've been doing little 5 minute mini exercise breaks at work before coffees and lunch. The best is when I take myself on a photo walk, I get exercise AND I get some new pics. win-win.
and my new glasses are freaking smashing.
So welcome October, I look forward to my 49th birthday, becoming a more concentrated me, and being happy with that woman who stares out of the mirror every morning.
This is my brother-in0law Brian's family business. They're jumping into the digital age after 25 years of successful custom furniture and cabinetry design and manufacture. Their website just went up this week and even though it focuses on Hospitality and contract furniture, they also do residential jobs, and the furniture carries a 5 year warranty. Now where do you find that in this day and age.
If you look at the collections, I believe the most expensive bedroom suite (minus the actual bed) is priced at less than 2 grand.
Welcome to the interwebs fusion family ;)
fusionwoodworks.ca
Saw a whack of my friends this weekends, Run run run from Fri to early Sunday morning. 2 dinners, 3 birthdays, a going away and a leaving party along with a brunch and a coffee date thrown in. Almost missed the leaving party but Pretty Girl called me and woke me from my overlong nap (thank the 100 little gods), better late not not. A great night's sleep. Another sunny morning. Finished a bunch of housework and most of a coding project on Sunday that was due for the end of the month.
This morning my feet looked like baked potatoes and the rest of me was sing HR Puffinstuff. Probably too much time on my feet mixed in with a higher than usual salt intake from the various munchies. My feet are now doing better than the brown paper bags hanging out below my eyelids. Ah well.
Started to redo my website again, renewed interest. we'll see how it goes.
Made some really great soup yesterday too.
First weekend in half a dozen that I get to go out and play.
Just listen for the sounds of manaical glee, that would be me.
If you hear sirens ... come post my bail.
better wear shades ... it might blind ya ;)
Though it does kind of feel like wearing a mouth guard on the bottom.
Don't care though, not one little bit.
WOOP WOOP!!!
Havin' a bigt ole salad for lunch!
I have been at work since 7am. Started early because I have THE appointment at 3:15. I have not been this excited since the day before I left for Jamaica last January. I cannot sit still. I cannot focus on my work. I do not have any patience and/or an attention span.
I want them now. OK, now. Fine, now.
It's not working.
How about now? Nope.
damn.
still waiting.
When you hear that heartfelt ground pounding WHOOP! at 3:30 - that would be me with a full set of teeth.
My social life is gone ... immured in my home for over a month ... by choice, it matters not. 4 more sleeps 4 more sleeps 4 more sleeps. At least the sun is shining today
If at first you don't succeed:
TTA (as above)
Change the freaking rules.
Dow'n worry a'bhat' id.
Do it again. and again. and again. number 9 number 9
Do something else.
Have a nap.
Reconsider the original goal and do it a different way.
Any one else?
I had 6 paragraphs written and they disappeared.
no teeth yet. work better. life sucks.
sorry bout that neilochka.
Last look at the clock read after 2am. Woke again at 5, then the blaring alarm screamed at me at 6:15 A roll & slam fixed that, and I promptly fell right back to sleep. Holy crap it's 7:08 and I'm usually in my car having the 1st smoke of the day as I turn into the parkade by this time.
22 minutes later - exactly on the cell phone, I am parking in the parkade. It isn't pretty but I am still on time.
At 3pm I have my appointment with the denturist to see if we can make the bumps impression to make the tray to settle the bite to make the tester to make new plates for my million dollar smile.
I just hope the bumps are healed enough
Ola - to all my scads of readers ;) I have been terribly remiss when it comes to my writing ~ especially here over the last 6 weeks. Lots going on.
I have been involved building a commercial website in exchange for labour and materials to reno my kitchen ~ an ongoing longterm project. While I used to be on top of all the whiz bang gadgetry of interwebdesign and coding, over the last 4 years I have not maintained those skill sets so I have been delving into old files and relearning language etc. We have agreed upon the format and I am just editing content and graphics now, so it should be good to go soon. I am thoroughly enjoying the project and had forgotten how much I actually love to design.
Which segues quite nicely into: which is good because I am still in my self imposed social isolation due to the dental fufrahah. Healing well, go for first impressions later next week, then several more appointments for bite and fit - hopefully by the weekend of September 18th I will have a million dollar smile - then I'm going to get a tooth gem ~ bling bling .... after I chow down the biggest bloodiest steak I can find.
And then it will be back to the soup and not so chewy foods for as long as I can last. I've lost 2 inches off my waist and at least 15 pounds in the last 3 weeks, so I'm hoping if I stay on the soup intake with as much as I want salad I should be able to get the hell off this fat plateau I've been on for so long and make a discernable dent in the excess flesh department. My knees are feeling better and my pants are once again threatening to fall down as I walk. YAY!
And perhaps I will need to do some sewing to take in my shorts so they don't fall down as I spend 3 glorious weeks walking the white sugar sand of 7 mile beach in Negril, Jamaica this coming January. My friends Kory, Brenda & I got some sweet deals, under $600 for direct return flights nad $1560 for 3 weeks at the Negril Beach Club condos. So for $2160 (a third of last year's 2 week all inclusive jaunt which I still do not regret at all)I get to spend an extra week. Maybe $500 for food and liquor and I'm good to go.
So along with my new teeth I am also getting new glasses in September and am working on finding a new job.
Everything else ... is details.
no bottom teeth for at least 2 more weeks UGH. on the up side - no abcess and no need for pain meds. I am carrying a drool bib for when I eat though, and it's mostly soup, yogurt, jello - no texture no chew substances yet. tried to have pizza toppings last nite with the grandson - even chopped really fine - not so good. pretty much all the rest like noodels pasta and mashed potatoes are empty carbs ... ah well. Maybe I'll have a new waist to go with the new smile ;) Here's hoping.
dentist day
i have 14 teeth sitting in the palm of my hand - roots and all
on the bright side - I'mnot afraid of the dentist anymore.
but then I have no real teeth left either ;)
solstice is gone and the days are getting shorter
blink ...
17 birthdays recycled
blink ...
4 roadtrips
blink ...
actually made it INTO the dentist chair - 10 more days ...
blink ...
high heels - crocs no less
blink ...
3 job applications - interviews?
blink ...
used all the vacation days left
blink ...
dad went to his 1st concert at 73
blink ...
daisies for Mandy
blink ...
catching up with Lu & Renee
blink ...
Jone family reunion WITH the seester YAY!
blink ...
Davis beach & the sanitarium
blink ...
13 pounds, still trying to catch up to Mr B
blink ...
black & whites matted
blink ...
slow grilled pork loin stuffed with nectarines mangos apricots and cherries
blink ...
the grands grew again
blink ...
figured out how to turn off the flash
blink ...
missed Keppel
blink ...
Ms Minnie and Bren in from Prince G
blink ...
10 books read
blink ...
Mur's halfway to a million dollar smile
blink ...
curried goat jerk chicken and rice & beans
blink ...
cracked canoe - don't do it
blink ...
summer storms
blink ...
Biff girl & skinny dave's
blink ...
fraturdays and sunburns
blink ...
folkfest and the ex
blink ...
sewing projects completed
blink ...
old friends and new family
blink ...
working on some design
If you know me or have been following along on my not so concientious efforts at blogging I'm a bit of a social whirling dervish. I've been alive a long time and have accrued several different groups of friends. While there are some cross-overs - not everyone gets along with everyone and who needs the drama of trying to make that happen. Do you know how hard it is to make a reservation for 26 people for supper on a Thursday night?
I AM NOT COMPLAINING! I count myself one of the most fortunate people I know to have more GOOD friends than I can count on my hands and toes. The point being sometimes I find it nigh on impossible to keep up to all the groups of friends I have, never mind the individuals.
So I cancelled my annual Madge camping trip for a variety of reasons which left me with several extra days off.
So I have spent the last 2 weeks investing in some face time with my ladies and gentlemen. Quiet little pools of discussion where you can actually hear what's being said, shared feelings, barrels of laughter, some silliness, food, a few refreshments, some scrabble, cards, a little shopping.... in crews of 2 or 3 - maybe 4 and a couple of well attended beach parties with singing and dancing just to balance things out.
It's been great catching up on all the tidbits that you don't talk about in a public forum because surely to the 100 little gods someone will take it out of context.
There's still a couple of them I need to track down and just kick back and finish a bottle of wine with, hopefully over the next few days.
May all the bumps in your road be little ones.
great weekend, kashmir butter chicken with Kory, nuncheon with Pretty Girl, got to catch up with some of ladies, played some scrabble with PG and Abigail, my grandson won the championship for his little league first season he played, .JPG)
had ice cream, spent half a day at the dotter's with the crazy crew singing cable karaoke, had a lovely lunch = some political patter and a few pints with the manchild and malibu, was on the news commenting about G20 (which I didn't actually see), and a bbq and sunshine at Davis beach with biff girl and skinny dave.
This morning - ugh! near panic attack at the denturists for impressions - have to go back next Monday. Freaked right the hell out cause I thought I was suffocating. Those ladies are not laughing at my fear now. Just 2 more minutes my ass.
Playtime this afternoon, took a walk, some reading on the deck and catching up.
Only work tomorrow and Wednesday then Devi is coming for a sleepover, a birthday and crew party Canada Day, luchin with goldie on Firday and supper with Texas Deb. I know there was something on Saturday but I've forgotten.
Have a great week everyone - get out in the sun while it's here!
Anyone, really anyone, who knows me will tell you I'm direct. Possibly abrupt, aggressive, and oh what was the last comment from the peanut gallery, - oh yeah " in your face all about me".
I concur with everything except the "all about me" bit, that only happens occasionally, and specifically when I make some profound discovery about myself, and I am currently in a phase of self exploration as I chase my dream of the moment so it may happen more often than not. For awhile anyway. Please note that I have worked very hard to be a good listener and I have it on good authority that I really have gotten much better at not interrupting. Please keep in mind that hardly means I've perfected the skill. For instance, you could say to me ... "you're going there again" and cut it off at the pass. Sure I might feel upset at the moment, I'm such a fragile flower, but I WILL get over it.
So for all y'all, who for some reason are withholding unexplored not-so-silent (to others) but clearly negative perceptions of me, feel free to discuss me in my absence and then profess care to my face. Really.
I call pot kettle and suggest a look into a mirror, and you might want to check your age on your birth certificate while you're at it.
Direct, aggressive and overbearing enough?
Lots of rain again this week. If I have to put up with this much rain I would at least like to be on a coast somewhere so I could hear its hiss as it hits the ocean, with the rumbly tumbly echoes through the blowholes and booming 'gainst the rocks.
But there it is. A round glowing ball of light peeking through the gloom. Is it just teasing me or will it make naked its shining glory tomorrow? I hope so;)
with several recommendations - a truly magnificent cover letter - and a whole lot of should I/shouldn't I ... I clicked the button and officially expressed my desire to become "the man".
A part of me feels like a traitor to the labour movement as a whole, another part is rationalizing that I can treat people better from that side, and a third is thinking retirement 55 is going to be that much better.
Apparently this is my year for change. Change my hair, change my lifestyle, change my associates, change my goals, and now - perhaps - change my career.
After almost 5 decades of living I find myself considering the big step from an inscope employee to management. I know that doesn't sound like much to a lot of people but I grew up with a liberal banker father (detested unions)and bleeding heart teacher mom, and have been involved with unions,the labour movement, and general protest against the unfairness of the man since I was 12ish. Some of my greatest memories are instances of civil disobedience. I was once even hauled down to the copshop because a group of us were lying in the road entrance to a Shell station protesting apartheid. Consequences be damned it was the RIGHT thing to do. I digress.
Shortening the story. At 32 I was at a crossroads and decided that I needed a career which included a pension plan, some decent benefits, and job security. I knew that the advantage of a unionized workplace would proved me with all three as long as I was willing to do a fair day's work fr a fair day's wage. And I was lucky enough to find me such a job.
Two weeks on the job and I was shop steward - I knew you'd be surprised;) and I have remained active in my union and the broader civil rights and labour movements.
In the intervening years, while my priorities have changed, my principles have not.
Which brings me back to the knot that has been my stomach for the last 5 days while observed the whole pros and cons debacle undertaken by the many selves residing in cranium land.
Today I determined that if it is offered to me I WILL take the big step, and here are my reasons why.
Pros
1. While I wasn't actively looking for a new job, I'm quite happy with what I do now, the job description was a brick to the forehead - written just for me.
2. Maintain my pension and seniority.
3. Way. WAY more moola - for my earliest retirement.
4. A new challenge and new skills to acquire, and new people to meet.
5. A few seriously helpful benefits.
6. I would be working with a whole big group of people that I spent 7-10 years of my worklife with - YAY!
Cons:
1. No union to provide job security.
2. Lose 13 days off.
So I'm in the process now, hopefully I'll get an interview and if the 100 little gods are good, I'll get the job too. It'll be weeks before I find out though.
summer....tiiiime....
and the weather is breeeee...eeezyyyyyy.
raindrops fallin'... while I sit here and crrrryyyyyy...
the clouds are a bitch.
and the sun is not liiist.... nin'
crushin' everybody... we're waitin' for Juuu ... llyyyyyy.
It was not too bad last Saturday and Tuesday was apparently nice but I had a toothache and missed it.
I am planning for sunshine tomorrow.
My perfume came in that I've been waiting 8 months for and can hardly wait to get out of this beige hell of a cubicle into my little red car and make both me and it smell like butter. Little wafts are escaping from the bag on my desk... oh indecence I missed you.
My Quark is fixed, the tabs changed as requested and correspondence just a soupcon ahead of the timeline.
2 potlucks to cook for and 3 days off, with 3 birthday party's a ball game and an apartment sale thrown in. and shopping. and maybe some wine with the ladies.
and laundry.
and so many of my friends and occasionally myself are taking on the morose and heavy texture of the clouds that have trappe dus in a coastal but coastless miasma of cold and dank that has stretched too far already.
Dear Father Nature:
Smarten the fuck up. Release Mr. Sunshine from your house of gloom and banish MR. Cloudy Pants off to someplce that needs him like - I don't know - a desert.
Really.
It might feel as if an emotional storm is subsiding, but the squalls will continue to come and go. Fortunately, you're able to weave a tapestry in your imagination from the fragments of fantasies to create a new vision for the next phase of your life. Don't worry if your dreams are not realistic; you don't need to come up with a plan yet. For now, this is just an exercise to prepare you for what's ahead.
Why am I not surprised?
Making the plans anyway.
Happy MAY DAY, all hail the goddess of fecundity.
stubbed my toe on the way to the car.
caught my hair in the seat belt pulley
the entrance bar to the parkade did not raise when I took my ticket, or a second one so me and two cars behind me had to back up into rush hour traffic to take the other entrance.
I locked my keys IN the car for the first time ever.
the fon-in-law brought my extra keys
I actually found a pair of shoes that won't look hideous with a dress and are still good for my feet.
I met my son's strange but very lovable puppy Castro
I got hugs from the grands.
always looking for the balance
I have a wedding to go to in 2 weeks. While I am on a slow but steady loss it's not near what I wanted it to be. So I decided I would splurge and buy myself a new girly wedding etc worthy confection. I enjoy shopping - I do not enjoy the trying on part because I am rarely satisfied with what I see in the mirror. We all know how that feels.
So I've spent about 6 hours in dress shops this week and here is the result.
NADA!blech! meh!
I have three - yes three dresses that I wanted to purchase and ALL three had something wrong with the construction. My favorite was a floaty layered chiffon in muted semi pastels but they'd sewn the outer layers to the back zipper so the end of the zipper does an outward pucker and it looks like I've got a tail hiding under there. You get the picture.
So tonight, knowing that there are several possibilities in the back of my closet that have not fit since my knee surgery and consequent lack of exercise & mass increase, I took a REALLY deep breath (I didn't actually want to know if they DIDN'T fit),I pushed the every day stuff aside, and elbowed my way to the "I only wish" rack. I hauled out the 2 outfits that fit 2 years ago and just stood there staring at them. Alarm bells ringing in my head, my self confidence jibbering away in a corner, I considered my options.
The conversation in my head went something like this:and yes there is more than one voice ;)
If it does fit will I wear it? They're both black and white - summer weight - still in fashion, both have tulip skirting though one is more tailored the other is pretty short (for me that's anything just above the knee). Floaty cap sleeves or sleeveless with jet bling. They both go with the shoes, but it's too short, and they fit close to the body, you'll look like a sausage sotto voice remember those pictures? Maybe I should go back and get that other dress anyhow, I can fix it - but do you really want to? No you don't. Chicken. Oh for the gods sakes do it.
Just ____________ blank space as I pull the dress over my head. It does feel short. Not as short as the LBD. Okay it feels good but weird to have the material so close. Oh well, nothing for it go look in the mirror. It fit.
The sheer relief that wafted through me was heaven. Hmph. Okay, block off how you feel about YOUR body, take a mental pace backwards and look at the body in the dress. Okay - still sausagelike, a little lumpy. where's the spanx? No I don't want to deal with that gargantuan task right now, but it would improve it.You'd probably get stuck in them. Enough.
I was almost looking forward to trying the other on.
Next - the sleeveless - 2 pieces - really nice skirt and the material is just the right weight to give it a bit of a swing when you walk. A little sassy. BUT it's sleeveless. Then there's the wobbly bits (and not the good kind either), a little lace shawl would fix that and I'm pretty sure there's one in there. Love this neckline.
Where's that navy polka dot dress? Back to the mother lode - and there it is. I should have stopped right there. You always have to push it. A very critical once over. Princess line navy with small white polka dots, and white piping, mid calf, cotton, worn exactly 3 times. I'd need new shoes, but I love this dress. It's been 5 years since I wore it last but it's a classic.
And destined to remain so for a while longer I'm afraid. Almost, but no. Will I lose enough to fit it in 2 weeks? MWAHAHAHAHA, Sure you will. I will. You'll try. Be realistic.
Probably the 2 piece then. Feeling a bit better about myself than when I'd started, tempered with the understanding that I am weak, and I love food that is bad for me.
I will try.
P.S. Apparently I was buying a new dress so that I didn't have to risk knowing the truth. I win.
I was thinking about you today George. And about stuff. And how when I was struggling as a single mom, or the primary bread winner, accumulating more stuff used to make me feel better, more secure, and it would temporarily stave of the fear and anxiety of walking the sword's edge between milk for the kids or busfare for work.
As I slowly dug myself out of the debt hole, I began to notice that the volume of newly acquired stuff had decreased but the value of the new stuff had logarithmically increased. But I still had ALL the other stuff too.
When I moved out of the place on Regent it took an entire semi moving truck, and the piano was moved separately, to a 3 bedroom townhouse on Lothian.I thought I had swept quite a bit of stuff away.
A year and a half later I was moving again and seriously downsizing to a 2 bedroom apartment for Mur and I and that was an eye opener. By the time I was done giving stuff away and filling both the loras trash bins - twice - it took only 2 trips with the step van to move our much reduced pile of stuff.
By this time I was starting a new single life once again and found that I wasn't trying to stave of the heartbreak by picking up so much new stuff.
So when I moved 2 years later to Forget Street I still had about the same amount of stuff plus the oak farm table, a computer and a renewed relationship with my 2nd husband.
On Forget St. I got some new kitchen stuff and grew a jungle of plants. The 2nd attempt at my 2nd marriage failed dismally and once he was gone I started tossing more stuff. Out with the old?
The move downtown did not require much sweeping but when I bought my condo a year later, I decided enough with the stuff. Appliances, furniture, knick knacks, bric-a-bracs and never used glassware, as well a closet full of clothes that didn't fit and about 60 boxes of books went by the boards. I find that almost strange now since I was actually moving into a bigger space.
And now I've been in my condo for 7 years. The storage room is fairly full, but I must say it's mostly my roommate's stuff and camping gear. Most of the new stuff have been gifts and I have started to collect some original art. I still have a couple of boxes worth of bric-a-brac but there are memories attached to them - they aren't just stuff. Hopefully in the next year or so my shelves will get built and that will give me a place to display them all together (and keep away some of the dust).
So now I'm working on ORGANIZING the stuff I have left. Arts supplies and crafting materials, sewing doodads and the books galore that are perched on every flat and some not so flat surfaces in my room. Need to get the luggage to the storeroom and sort out the mishmash on the dresser top. Then it's clear the rest of the closet time and a trip through the tickle trunk.
So thank you George for words to live by, we miss you.
Aaaahhhhhhh. and add a WOOP WOOP, 5 hours sleep for the third day in a row. If only I didn't have to go to work today. No snow on the car this morning YAY!
Without looking to borrow trouble, it appears that after a particularly grueling week at work, things may once again be within the bounds of control.
Here's hoping ;)
C'mon - even you must be tired of snow by now. I cannot actually remember having to scrape my car windows on a May morning, though I do remember a couple of Lollapalooza snow storms in early May. Please make the snow go away before it freezes out all the flowers that are just ready to bloom.
I really would prefer rain.
After 4 rather sleepless nights I finally got 6 hours of sleep all in a row.
Thank you sand man.
Unfortunately the bags under my eyes do not appear to recognize that fact ;)
came and went with a birthday party for my 10 going on 20 year old grandotter with at trip to the beauty salon for her and 5 of her friends and a limo ride care of one of her dutch aunties, then it was off to the restaurant where her dad, uncle brother, great uncle and I decorated (good job guys) for pizza and angelfood cake with all the family including ex outlaws et al and she had a glorious time and got lots of girlie presents. Exactly what she wanted.
Along with family time came visits to friends long unvisited along with an evening with the ladies,and our biannual clean the closets swap meet. We recycle the gently used and donate all the rest to one of several charities who always need the goods. We had a great time.
I got home about 10:30 and the people downstairs were having ANOTHER party. so there were no parking spaces within a block of my house. AAARRGGHH! I figured I'd go crash at one of the kids places and no answers at either. I parked a block and a half away and waited for someone to leave as my parking pass limited me to the one downtown block that I live on. At 12:10 am I finally found a place, thank god I carry a book and a flashlight wherever I go. And then my insomnia kicked in.
At 4:14am exactly, the birds started singing. I last looked at the clock around 5:30 and woke up at 9. Determined to catch some more shut eye I put on the blinders and buried back into the covers only to be woken by 2 phone calls before 10. All chance of submerging myself into dreamland fled.
Grumpy and bitchy I got the magic coffee happening, and started on the long procrastinated process of sorting tossing the project mania end of my room. By noon, the loud base intermittent rumbling of what I can only guess is some kind of video/computer wargame began for the umpteenth day in a row to cause a thumping headache to begin to rage through the base of my skull. Being totally unprepared to be calm about it I left the condo to check out Denise's Purse and accessories sale and deliver some of the swapped goods I'd picked up for all and sundry. That done I headed back home to finish the unmessing of my boudoir and relax for the rest of my evening.
It was quiet when I got home around 5 - thank the hundred little gods, because if I'd had to deal with the noisemakers in the state I was in someone was going to need backup.
Not even an hour after my return the base kicked back in. Now don't get me wrong, I love drum and base when it's music, almost any KIND of music, but the continual thumping of what sounds like grenades or something blowing up is starting to drive me crazy, and making it a damn short trip.
I checked with my upstairs neighbours knowing fair well it wasn't them but the noise is omni directional and I can't really tell from the hall, even though I can feel the reverb in the soles of my feet on my hardwood. It was not coming from upstairs.
That only leaves the problematic under 25s living downstairs with whom I've already had several issues - twice I was coming homw while they were "entertaining" to find one of their guests pissing on the front of the building completely visible from the street - REALLY. Twice I've asked them to control their visitors and at least ask their guests not to be slamming doors and SCREAMING AROUND ON THE LAWN AFTER MIDNIGHT. Good grief I sound old, but honestly - it's an apartment building converted to condos so have some respect for your neighbours. And then there was the escaped cat who got into our place somehow and hid under my roommate's bed, which we didn't find and even the owners came in and called and searched. At least until the cat peed on my roommate's bed. Not the cat's fault really - it had been there almost 2 days. The owner's were upset that we expected them to pay for the cost of cleaning the NEW mattress especially since we are both allergic to cats. Which in the end after several pointed conversations and presentation of the bill, they did.
I decided after determining that the noise actually is coming from downstairs that I will have to talk to them tomorrow - cause if I do it tonight I will quite simply lose it.
They are still playing the game. It's almost midnite. I have to be up at 6 for work tomorrow.
On a positive note I DID get most of the unmessing complete.
April 28th is the annual day of mourning for workers who lost their lives on the job, and I send my best out to all the survivors. Workplaces are supposed to safeguard their employees as valuable resources, and some do not. There are the freak accidents but more commonly it happens because someone is not paying enough attention. Please be aware of the dangers in the environment you are working in and if it is not safe see your occupational health an safety committee member, it is your RIGHT.
On another note entirely, my 2nd marriage would have been 20 years old today.
Man have I come a long way.
Okay, I've had it. In 3 months I have had enough externally negative events impugn upon my awareness that the slide back into "I don't give a fuck land" was already halfway completed before I realized I was in motion.
I had previously lost about 42 pounds from the beginning of Jan to about the 3rd week in March and was feeling FABULOUS about it. Then things started to go downhil and the comfort eating started to kick back in and I have now gained bac 20 of those blasted pounds. Yeah - that makes me really happy.
Yes people die. But dammit, three which will likely be 4 by the end of this week between 52 and 30yrs - c'mon.... and I had no IDEA the reaction I would have to the last one - by the 100 little gods what a mess! Talk about non-closure issues after 25 years.
Work has has sucked harder than the gravity on Venus with the recurring cough/flue/crap/knee/ankle just kill me now stupid shit until the last two weeks where I have finally managed to catch up - YEAH!
And then there is the dealing with the lawyer, and putting out more $$ to protect my own investment - which is also entirely my own damn fault.
And other friends who are so afraid getting burned again they they refuse to take any kind of risk for happiness now, even though that is what they want.
And the car started to make a weird noise yesterday
Pooh Bear is my favorite character in Chris Robin's world but today it feels more like an Eeyore day. Sleep is eluding me, Nay, veritably evading me this week, I am not wonder woman and I needs me some serious shut eye. In the last week I haven't slet more than 2 uninterrupted hours and I think one night I actually managed to get 5 hours.
As a result, I feel like I've lost my tail ...
The laundry didn't get done again ...
I'm out of smokes ...
and then I get the occasional Tigger-ly kick but its Firday and weekend is almost here, bounce bounce, with Pooh bear thinking a guinness would be rumbly in my tumbly...
do not forget that there are people in the world that are so afraid of being hurt they become afraid of being happy.
So if you've been following along I've had a rather upsy downsy winter/spring. In fact I bet I could track my manic depressive cycles through my posts or not posts as the case may be. A lot of the impact has been from external sources over which I have No - nada - none - zilch - zero - control. And of course that's never been a problem for me.
MWAH aahahahahahahahahah.
All green growing things need water to grow and while the big snow dump while I was in Jamaica (hahahahaha) definitely contributed to the water table - we are the prairies and that meltwater won't last long. So for all those lovely flowers we need to to stop and smell along the way, and the instances of inhaling the freshly mown grass - go aheaf rain, clear the air of the remaining snow mold succubii and batten down the flatlands dust for a bit. I can see old sol trying to peek around one of the grey brethren now... you can do it ...
Rain is just the delayed gratification portion of my sunny weekend.
I stopped by the pub after work yesterday to wish my friend Nickless a joyous celebration of the last year of his 20's. I've been staying away from the pub a bit lately and reducing the libation levels in preparation for the forthcoming season of deckadance, and so I was presented with a schwack of cronies I'd not seen much of lately. It was freaking lovely.
I only had a couple of pints, had another engagement to get to, but man it sure felt good to be home. Nick and I realized that it was also the 7 year anniversary of me meeting the sandwiches. It was Nick's bday - 7 years ago, with our dear and still missing friend Frosty, introducing me to the Kamsack crew over a few Irish Car Bombs.
7 years. Whoosh. It was gone. Just like that, but not really. The memories are plethoric and pulchritudinous. Over the last seven years I have gained myself a whole new framily. I have brothers from other mothers and sisters from different misters. Some of the mothers are also my friends, and some of my friends are the same age as my children. There is no one demographic that can contain my framily except that they are all open hearted, generous, and for the most part compassionate.
Sure there are situations where peoples' feelings' get hurt, and the drama erupts, relationships begin and die, or come to fruition and bear fruit, marriages, splitsville, babies, moves, vacations and the occasional respite at the House Of Pain. People try not to take sides, but it happens for awhile and then it all settles out - or not, shared confidences encourage groups inside groups like fractal mirrors, the occasional nasty little snippets of gossip inevitably arise and fall by the wayside as the natural exhaust of large group of dynamic and slightly dysfunctional personalities, myself included.
And as I looked around yesterday, there were no less than 15 very good friends celebrating our framiliness, and the party was just starting.
I am one damn lucky woman.
1. I did not catch Deb's H1N1.
2. My friends are still talking to me.
3. Someone is returning my lost cell phone from Selam.
4. My family seems to be doing fair well.
5. My jeans fit again.
John Laird Macdonald was a gentle old soul who shared everything he had and really wanted nothing more than to see people smile. I found out Monday night that he had passed away two weeks ago and that his sister had not bothered to notify any of his friends or extended family. Poor form.
I met John February 27, 1986 at Jon Jon's birthday party and we hit it off right away. Tall and gangly with a shock of Billy Idol bleached white hair, eyes deeper than an artesian well, and a laugh that started at his toes. A great lover of music we shared an obsession with David Bowie, Iggy Pop, and the Sex Pistols. And though his voice wasn't anything to cheer about he loved to sing, enthusiastically.
John's experiences before I met him had taught him some hard lessons, the first of which was that you just never know when it'll be your turn to go so you better enjoy your life while you have it. He lived his motto, "go hard or go home". And no matter what happened to me in the intervening years, that lesson was something I never let go of. There were times when it was relegated to a back shelf but it was never lost. It's the reason that I will always be 8 years old in my heart. Thank you for that John.
Like many friendships that span decades, you occasionally lose touch and then find each other once again - but we rarely missed the birthday phone calls - just to keep up. I haven't seen him for about 5 years (his last visit here from Halifax), and though neither of us are aging particularly well - it was like there had been no time in between. I last spoke to him in December and he didn't discuss any health issues. We talked about my impending trip to Jamaica (he loved to travel especially on the train), how my kids were doing, what he was doing to keep himself busy (same old)and sharing news of mutual friends long since spread all over the nation.
Memories are churning, John as James Bond for Hallowe'en in a white tux, and leather and jeans at the Idol concert in Calgary. John on the floor playing lego with my kids. The road trip we took to go camping in South Dakota in the valiant - what a freaking gong show that was. Meeting Keppel - another soon to be lifelong friend. The Alice Cooper show. Extra Old Stock and port. The raid on the Winnipeg street house. Sheila & Kelly's attempt at a turkey dinner - lordy - what a mess. Deck parties. Taking the train at Christmastime cross country to Halifax to meet his parents in Liverpool N.S., and the 5 days we spent in Montreal. My first subway ride. Snow gently frosting the cobblestones in the old town, visting the Hotel de Ville and sitting in the Presidente's throne in the council room. Walking along St. Denis at midnight warmed by wine and convinced we really did understand french. Exploring the Halifax underground. Getting Screeched. The perfect snowfall christmas eve and listening to the carols in church with his mum & dad. Running into the ocean at the end of December so we could say we did the Atlantic Polar Bear. Taking university classes together and banging our heads on the tables in the Lab Caff. West Edmonton Mall, black heaven and the drop of doom. And all the crowd back then. Jon Jon, Cookie, Sheila, Kelly, Kenny, Shelley, Dodi, Magnus, Little Kelly, Preston, Billy, Dave, Sandy, & Lynn. I actually still know where over half of those people are.
SO thank you John for all the high drama and low, for sharing your joy and your framily, and for singing every Bowie song we knew. You will always be in my heart and I am really going to miss those phone calls.
It isn't actually raining and it was a beautiful week end, but it is back to work and though spring is in the air I am still shaking off the winter doldrums.
Early Friday road trip to the Jaw and pa pa. Took the boyo and miss enchanting for coffee. Everything seems to be going well out there and it was great to see the rents. The kids even inherited a new little freezer and some file cabinets for their new house.
It was a fair quiet weekend though I did spend Saturday visiting, and had an absolute blast with the crew at the dance party Saturday night ~ great idea Abigail.
The grand children have given up the ghost on the tooth fairy and the easter bunny - so sad, thanks to their TEACHERs - who have likely murdered Santa in the process and who really ought to keep their respective noses out of the cultural myths we choose to relate to our children. I really would like to smack both those women ~ don't kids have to grow up too soon as it is ~ you have to steal the magic too?
I did realize this week that my compassion is more deeply rooted than any resentment or sense of betrayal I may be hanging onto. Big step forward.
Deb is getting better slowly but last night she was coughing so deeply that I pretty much stayed up all night and sneaked into her room every hour and a half or so - to check that she's breathing - cause I was having nightmares about calling 911 in the morning. I was so happy to hear her voice when her alarm went off at 7am. Whew!
Otherwise it was a lovely 3 days off and I am looking forward to a similar weekend shortly.
Monday is done and over and my desk is still clear - only two pieces I am currently working on, YAY! I also managed to get a good start on the next volume of the quarterly newsletter - which puts me a bit ahead. I may have found a solution to the fiscal security I need - waiting till the end of the week for that. I am done my laundry. My eyes aren't quite as swollen from the snow mold today either. Saw a few friends, talked to my friend Keppel in Ottawa and spent an hour and hald on the phone with sugar. Now for a soak and the day is replete.
Panic attacks directly from sleep twice last night - no details just dark blurry and an overwhelming sense of being trapped in a situation on personal physical danger and being unable to defend myself. WTF? Tries all the old fashioned homely somnolents - not happening. I am almost afraid to go back to sleep.
No strange foods, nothing untoward ingested, quiet weekend just trying to get the allergies under control. Reading, movies, sewing - nothing is abating the sense of utter dread.
shit.
I have been having strange and stranger nightly subconcious visitations, and they aren't all pretty or even recognizable as signposts about things I need to change, or reminders that I NEED to change something else, or a poke just to tell me to pay attention.
This last one though - waay out there.
Terror - darkness - searing pain - scarlett - glowing more fear - amorphous where my dreams are usually crystal clear HD technicolour. Pain in my legs - couldn't walk - doctors couldn't find the problem (note I have had lots of issues with my stupid knees in the last couple of years so this is an obvious fear of loss of mobility which I have when I am awake occasionally but not this deepseated terror that wakes me up breathing heavy in a panic.)
Needles - big darning needles - scarlett pain - hot - needles sticking out of my skin around my knees like someone had jabbed them all the way in and they are only now working themselves out ... and then more of them surfacing through the fleshy part of my leg right above my knee in I Ching patterns with pieces of flesh to denote the break in the I Ching line, but there were only 5 of them not the six I would need to determine the message ... and it hurt - ye gods it hurt!
and then I woke up.
wtf?
Submerged anger and resentment rise with the warmth like the ammonia from Wascana, bringing tears and clutching throats. As the whirlwind death of winter loses velocity, people pushed to the edge by the long cold are fragile and cracking like ice on the lake. The green breeze clears minds, soothes souls, and invites us all to breathe before we accuse.
All the little pettynesses that have piled up since the snow locked us in, the misunderstandings, the apologies not truly accepted, and the angst never voiced can be assisted in their release by a walk in the park.
Make sure to look in the mirror before you go for your walk.
... and why would I choose to associate myself with a term that most used used in a derogatory manner?
In order to change the meaning of a word or create a new meaning for a word, one must own the word. Over time and use the word may evolve to mean other than was originally intended & to that end...
my definition: an independent woman
dictionary definitions:
1. informal term for a (young) woman
2. an unsupervised umarried woman
3. a young woman or girl, esp. a peasant girl.(usually facetious)
3. a woman servant
4. a wanton woman
5. Archaic: a strumpet
[Origin: 1250–1300; ME, back formation from wenchel, OE wencel child]
synonom :"dame"
acronym:
Women Entitled to Nothing but Complete Happiness
International Wenches Guild
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