patterns of sevens: from can you

Years ago when book learning was my thing, it was explained to me that we live our lives in stages of 7 years. Though I hadn't though about this for a long time it just popped back into my brain yesterday and really made me think. Upon some examination here's what I found:
0-7: sucking up everything like a sponge and learning to be a complete little individual
8-14: expanding my horizons, starting to ask the big questions and asserting my independence
15-21: paying the consequences for said independence, 1st marriage & starting my own family
22-28: realized I love the kids but not the dad. singlehood, university, married 2nd potential mr right
29-35: working for a living, changing goals, new career with benefits, trying to work shit out
36-42: back to school, teenagers, kids done, financial goals accomplished, ended 2nd marriage, turned 40, convocated university, realized I'd lost me along the way. workin' on that.
43-49: (I will be 50 this october)made a decision at 43, after after successfully navigating the 1st relationship to end with both my dignity & wallet intact, to step away from the intimate and spend my energy building friendships that would last a lifetime instead. Practicing personal compassion by giving myself room to breathe, make some future plans and find the inside self that has been missing.So I shut down the "lookin for a man" vibe for a long time - 6 years, invested myself in some really great friends and have been LIVING life for me.

A year ago I took my 1st real vacation ever with the attitude that it was a gonna be a party. It was and I certainly got my groove back. All the little pieces of me that had fallen by the wayside, the ones that I had given away by choice - or had been taken, and especially the tiny most important bits that I had tucked away inside and forgotten how to find came back to me all in one fell swoop. I changed, apparently overnight, even my friends commented upon it. I was reconnected to the great planet as I hadn't been since my teens. My internal 8 year was once again alive and well. And all those womanly bits - not the mother ones, the other ones were knocking down the door. So I allowed for some temporary indulgence and found that the extremism I experienced in younger years wasn't so much any more.

I had developed a distance between the heart and the physical - who'd of thought? Now don't get me wrong - I am totally a touchy feely physically grounded sorta woman but it usually came with some serious sentimental attachments. I had divested myself of that connection, a true relief and found myself capable of maintaining both my true friendships and an ongoing physical relationship without losing my head, heart, or sense of direction.

50 and beyond (i`m just about there)
So now I had what I wanted - right? We'll go with that. I was happy and successful for the most part, and thankful, truly, about where I was in my life. I was making plans and watching them come to fruition before my eyes. My children were growing into better places for themselves, retirement plans began to grow, career choices were slowly becoming more available, I had a large group of friends that always keep me busy and laughing albeit with the odd touch of drama here and there, I have lots of options.

And then I took my 2nd vacation of my life. Back to the island, where the moment I stepped outside of the airport I was assaulted by a physically dizzying and heartfelt sense of HOME. Like when I went to my grama millie's when I was young, and as still happens every time I step into the farmhouse on the homestead in Swan. It is a visceral smackdown that tells you "you are where you are supposed to be" felt from the roots of your hair to the tips of your toes. And it was exactly the same as it had been the year before. I could feel my heart settle into the land, my whole body connect to everywhere else all at once, spidey senses tingling and synapses firing like AK47s. My nirvana.

The trip this year was about the framily I had made on the last visit, sharing cooking secrets with Anette, authentic Jamaican cooking for fancy baking, eating together on Sundays, singing and dancing and enjoying time spent with people who walk into your heart and fill it up, long conversations about beliefs and politics, really learning about each other's cultures. Time spent simply lazing in the sun and relaxing without any other particular goal in mind except to enjoy each other's company.

And then my friends interfered with my plans.

After Doc & Brent had already been chatting about me to one of Doc's friends, and after Anette had been talking said friend up to me, she physically pushed me out the house laughing all the way, to go and talk to him because he was interested in meeting me. He had apparently seen me in and out visiting and wanted to know who that woman was. I tried to explain that wasn't the purpose of my holiday, that I was quite happy with my independence, I wasn't looking for a good time or any entanglements, but no - all of my arguments fell on completely deaf ears and she simply grinned at me, Doc and Brent laughing all the way, "it's just a conversation".

Intuition? An understanding of parts of myself that I have been studiously ignoring? Perhaps the fear that maybe what I really wanted was that which I refused to look for. I had long ago decided that if it showed up on my doorstep fine, but I was NOT putting myself out there, and NOT going to be the one to make any kind of first move in that general direction ever again.

Too late now.

We both looked each other directly in the eyes through the barbed wire bean growing fence that divided his yard and Doc's, started to talk at the same time, and laughed like silly children with our hands touching in the cookie jar. It was a long conversation.

Both of us direct, bare bones, this is who I am and I am comfortable with exactly who I am. History is, unless it impacts the now. Why aren't either of us attached, because neither of us willing to settle and we know what we want: truth, love, passion, intelligence, laughter, music, creativity and drive. A discerning combination and almost impossible to find. Fifteen minutes in we were making ground rules for something that didn't yet exist. In fact, at the same time, "I don't share" was out our mouths. Silence. He suggested we go out and talk & asked for my number, I handed him my phone with "yes but you will have to call me, I'm old school", he laughed and said he would. And the conversation continued for about an hour and then Anette was calling me for supper and Brenda & Kory arrived, and I had no idea what I had just gotten myself into.

3 hours later Kory and Brenda headed back to town, my phone rang as the car pulled out of the yard, did I want to go to a little place in Good Hope? Nope, not going to a strange township with a man I don't know in a foreign country even if he is a long time friend of the framily. But I wanted to. He called back 15 minutes later, suggested another place closer and explained that he had already arranged for Doc to go with us as a chaperon so I would feel safe. Damn.

I had just hung up when Doc walked in laughing from driving the kids home, and he laughed even harder when he looked at my expression. Fluttery like a school girl, that hasn't happened for decades, and could not keep the grin off my face. Apparently when you stop looking the universe provides.

A nice little place with a pool table so we had something to do while we danced the little dance, Doc grinning from his stool. The touches that aren't, but are so much more at the same time, the easy sway of a hip in passing that made him lose his shot, a breath on my neck that made my heart stop and I missed mine. After 3 games neither one of us could play anymore so we took our drinks out to the steps and just talked into the evening, completely forgetting that Doc was even there until he plopped himself down, took a look at us and asked if I was ok. "Completely," so he told Ivan in all seriousness that he was responsible for me and I am family. Ivan promised to get me home and Doc left us to the night.

I think we sat on the steps for another hour or so intensely questioning each other like preparing for a jeopardy tournament, and every time someone went in or out of the pub his arm would snake around my shoulders until it just stayed there. "Let's go somewhere else", and we were off to a friend's music yard with an outdoor bar and speakers as tall as I am. He introduced me to some of his friends, and some lovely old gentlemen who were all just characters and atrociously flattering ;) He spun a couple of tunes while i listened and then we danced in the grass until a few slow ones came round when we just swayed, me leaning back on him, his arms wrapped around me breathing in my hair like it always had been, and all my alarm systems stonecold silent. Effortlessly in tune, singing to me all the while but changing the words, sparks almost visible at every point we connected.

And then I had him drive me home.

You know that hollywood kiss that melts knees and oh so many other wild and wonderful places, where he holds you just right and everything fits the way it's supposed to with no awkwardness nd your breath is gone and you totally lose yourself in it till you have to come up for air. Yeah, that's the one.


And I said goodnight baby. Call me.

And he did ...

Letter to mother earth:

Just because you're omnipotent does not mean you have to be such a cold-hearted bitch. Really.

-31 and cold enough with the wind chill that the weather dudes don't even want to post how cold it, is not a great way to make people happy in the morning.

Do you think you could see your way into having a hot flash or two and direct it our way please.

... from a prairie popsicle

from my other space: fallen

self delusion rendered to tiny bits of flotsam,

fading into the aquamarine.



ephemeral technology the lifeline that stills the drowning

the voice, velvet steel soft,

reminiscent of evenings of music, real food and secret promises.

feeds the soul.


fingers twitching to trace spine and skull in a single sinuous line.

hand trapped like a fragile bird in an iron cage,

sweet breath in my hair.

an arched back, an elbow, a flexed knee.

the slow rumble of belly laughter and a smile.

feeds desire.


the discovery of almonds, the same cadence walking.

the protective hand in the middle of my back,

possessive yet barely there not interfering with my freedom.

silly ditties, serious conversation and silence that never really is.

feeds the heart.


and decade old walls come a crumbling down,

bits of sand into the whirlwind

to fade into the aquamarine.

Last day of February

whoosh and It's gone. bye bye winter - get the hell out of dodge.

I may have missed 3 weeks of January, but SNAP - February wasn't much better. less snow, but holy hannah it was -50C a couple of mornings with the windchill. 4 days - 4 my car wouldn't start! In the 4 years I've owned it it was maybe 2 days a winter.

Ah well - the warming trend will continue. Even if it's a cold summer, it will still BE summer.

As for the rest of the vacation notes, those will get posted as I find the time. Suffice to say - it was GLORIUS!

Cannot wait to go back ;)

the too long weekend

Caught up with family, framily and famdamnily.
Wings at eagles,bbq, key lime pie at Table 10, grilled roasted beef at Kory's, stirfry with Devi, brekky with the girls, scrabble with Mailibu, bday drinks with Tararaboomdeay. Errands, and stuff for annette, gardening supplies and a pressure cooker, lottery tickets for Sheri and I. Martinis with Shane & Joe for the bday, shenanigans at OHans, coffee with Amanda's crew & cocktails with Patty's. Cleared some more crap out of my room, fought, almost lost but eventually won the battle between the cold and the running of the dAKar. Groceries, APPLE PIE, gas and fuel injection cleaner. Serious Martguerita's, Mikes Hard and a bottle of Wolf Blass along with great company. Today's plans all awry, Dan called away and Murray sick.

Murray promoted to THE chef at Table 10, looks like Chris may have a handle on a better job, Autumn made the range team (we nordquist girls seem to have an exceptional aptitude with weapons)The kitchen reno is delayed a week and Deb is off to Cowtown tomorrow.

Then its back to crazytown fallout from the fullmoon and the highrise stack of work on my desk that I need to clear before the boss gets back next Monday.

Nite.

past the ides of February

... and just realized that I am missing half the holiday stuff. searching.

In the meantime:
My big news this week is about my shopping trip on Sunday. As we know I have been losing inches - and I have almost pantsed myself at work when my black pants got too loose. So I took my fanatical paranoia of to Penningtons (they had a sale on) and determined that I was not leaving until I had a pair of pants that fit me.

Two armloads of pants into the dressing room, the sales girl shaking her head, and an hour and a half later, I found a pair that I liked AND were too big. OH NO I wailed to myself in my head. They're TOO big... and for sure the next size down will be TOO small... wahhhhhh. At that point the sales girl was starting to worry about me and came to my rescue as I threw the pants in question over the door and whispered "bring me a size smaller please" as if a normal voice would shrink any clothes she brought me.

Voila - she brings me the pair I like by MXM a brand that I have not been able to wear because they don't go as large as I used to be. (They say they do but they fit a size small) and it is 2 sizes smaller than what I was wearing in December. I swear I sat in that changing room staring at them for 15 minutes before I would even attempt them.

Hola my friend - they fit (they're a bit stretchy) but they fit well! OMG.... only $45. and then I found 2 more pair of same style different season for $10 each. I have now worn each pair to work - keepers all and tonight I am going home and tossing every pair of jeans I own larger than the ones I have on. (And my ass looks terrific ;)

And I started deep water aquafit (Y MCA north)yesterday - twice a week, and I think there is aquacize at the Y downtown twice a week too, and once the ice is gone I'll be walking to work again.

Woop Woop - we'll see how long this lasts ;)

However, the big fat lump that used to be my back is in the process of melting and has been reduced to what look like they may be side curves and 6 baby back breasts.

These days its all about finding that balance baby!

happy VD

I haven't been even remotely interested in Valentine's Day for over 7 years.

And now when I am, the distance slays me.

Thank the 100 little gods for the telephone and texting.

But it's still just not enough.

Holiday Sun-Wed Jan16-19

With Kory laid up we were sticking pretty close to home, mind you this trip was pretty laid back already and I was loving it. Magic coffee and a book 1st thing in the am while Bren fed the resort kitties.



A sashay out somewhere to have/get/pick up breakfast. A dip in the ocean, some beach time and then back to the rooms for a nuncheon - usually wraps from our forays at the local HiLo. A visit from Doc &/or Brent, a trip to town if supplies were needed (read beer, rum cream or cell minutes).



Some patio time with the brother, an afternoon siesta to avoid the worst heat of the day and any chance of sunburn;)and up again in time for some more ocean or a visit to the beach bar before foraging for supper. I would recommend this to anyone.

More specifically, Fri and Sunday nites were usually spent at least partly at Traveller's doing Jamaican Karaoke. Several shopping trips with Doc - awandering in order to figure out what we were bringing back with us. A visit or two to the local Cambio to exchange money. Making friends with the locals - some of the people staying in the condos have families that have been coming here for decades. What a cast of characters!

I had the chance to discover some local "not tourist" attractions - little teeny restaurants where they serve "real" food, rice & peas, plantains, dumplings, curried goat, oxtail, yams, callaloo, brown chicken, jerk everything from fish to beef and even on salad, coco bread, saltfish & Ackee, grilled lobster all at half the cost of the bigger restaurants - and my god the portions. I don't think there was one meal that I could completely finish. The flavours and seasoning to die for, and the joy of watching some of your meal being prepared right in front of you. Of course there was also the pattie man just down the road - always a treat, and I like the beef ones best. The plethora of small roadside bars is amazing, and I didn't find a single one that didn't have ice cold guinness for less than $3. Every time I went to a new place and ordered guinness it was an experience, since it is apparently rare for women in Jamaica to drink it. It's considered a "tonic", mind you the foreign export is 6.5%. But it is soooo good. The bonus was that once I'd been to one place, every time I went back they knew what I wanted.

And music music everywhere - The horn language of the cars, taxi rados, shop stereos, boom boxes, restaurants, all the bars roadside or beach, I swear Jamaica must have the highest number of speakers per capita in all the world. It was fantastic. People breaking into song at random moments, dancing along the verge of the road or on the beach and if I knew the tune I was singing too - not well perhaps but always enthusiastically. Whether they enjoyed my additions or were just amused by the crazy lady didn't even matter cause we all just laughed and kept on along ...

Kerry & Beffie landed at the RIU on Sunday. Brent P had to leave us on Monday, Asquith on Tuesday, but we knew that Thursday the Rowleys, Ray Ray and Charlie would arrive so there was some balance. I was just glad that I could park my generous seating capacity on the beach and not even consider winter.

Pants? Mittens? Coats? What the hell are those?

holiday saturday the 2nd, Jan 15 ~ the damage

Ocean, tropics, friends, lazy days - if only Brenda and I had known, one of us surely would have gone to watch the Steelers. Unfortunately, neither of us is prescient and so my dear brother stepped in a pothole when catching the taxi back to Mariners after the game (which we abandoned him to watch alone)and the ankle went one way and the knee the other.

Holy crapola was his leg swollen. Sat nite in a foreign country with the closest hospital an hour away, the local medicenter closed till Monday and the 800 number for our Travel Insurance agency NOT working. Thank the hundred little gods that it wasn't life threatening. Even the direct line for out country emergency calls put him on hold 3 different times for over half an hour on international cell phone rates. REALLY!

Improvise & overcome. Leg up and immobile, pain meds & red stripe until Doc could get a pair of crutches for him from Savannah la Mar - 30 miles away. At least he could get around the room a bit and out to the patio. Our friends the Rowleys brought in a metal reinforced knee brace from Canada the following Thursday which saved our asses I am sure. It was 8 days before he could crutch hobble the block to the restaurant for a meal NOT served in styrofoam or takeaway containers.



Thank goodness for friends, the fridge and the microwave in their room. Lots of company - Doc & Annette, Brent P, me & Ivan, Brent & Sheri R, Ray Ray & Charlie, Asquith, Statement, Kerry & Beffie - but still a hell of a way to spend half your vacay. Upon arrival at home his dad took him straight to hospital where it was determined over the next few days that he had a fracture in his knee and 2 in his tibia - so he's off the leg for the next 6 - 8 weeks. But since we did what our docs would have done except for the Xray etc, being in Jamaica was waaaay better than being in the -41 degree C temps here at home.

and in the meantime ....

a new religion that will bring you to your knees ... black velvet if you please.

gotta love the retro

from the holiday - told you I'd catch up

Thursday coninued: So I left off at the beginning of the great cake experiment. Suffice to say we were excited to see if it would turn out. I used a from scratch pound cake recipe, added an extra egg, an extra tsp of baking powder, several ergs of beating (after smacking Brent's fingers that he kept sticking in the batter) I had to promise him all the bowls to lick after:
and then we split it into two cake pans. We added a shwack of cocoa to half the batter, and then a bit more because it didn't smell quite chocolatey enough, and had some fun making marble patterns in the pan. Meanwhile Doc hacked up the fish outside with his machete - which we took away and replaced with an edged knife and started to get the fish stew he was cooking under the house going.
28 miutes later and VOILA - 2 marble pound cakes - almost left them in too long in fact. Then it was icing time - more beating - Annette did most of that - and garnished with flakes of choco-cinnamon stick Doc puts in his tea. Here is the result:


This is Doc cooking:


Supper was delicious ;) dessert was wonderful! And there's enough ingredients to make another.

And then it was Friday - brekky at Traveller's on the deck overlooking the ocean - a beautiful beach day. Hit the ocean and then to relax and enjoy our almond tree as we watched the people in the neighbourhood stroll the beach:



Big surf and I love my waterproof camera. Thank you Canon.



And Steve West is playing troubadour today. Where but in Jmaica?



After sunset it was back to Traveller's for karaoke with Brenda and Kory, Brent, Doc, Annette, Ivan and I - OH what a shoooow! And of course the lovely Brenda was a smash hit - songbird that she is:)

Little did we know that it would be Kory's last night out with us before the pothole incident that resulted in what we eventually found out was 3 fractures in his leg. But that's for another day.
respect!

singing ABBA - take a chance take a chance

take a chance take a chance
take a chance on meeeeeee

62 days

small things

A discussion about how to grow the fattest peas and what to use as insecticide on leafy greens and everything is all bettah.

I will catch up ;)

eventually

on holiday - forgot to post

Wed Jan 12

ANd another beach day off to a good start, got all the pics to date uploaded. Got to the beach around 10ish and cracked some cold ones. Hung till around 1 when Ivan, Doc and Brent all showed up about the same time. Had another smoke and a beer. Doc & Brent headed off to play Indiana Jones at the abandoned hotel two resorts down. The whole thing would need to be bulldozed and build new. Apparently the materials they used to begin with were pretty shoddy and it's completely dilapidated now.
Chilled with Ivan for the afternoon, and we went to Lingah for supper - mmmm coco chicken and shrimp - tasty - sitting on the patio overlooking the ocean ... serenity abounds.
Kory's a little toasty today - he and Bren stayed out on the beach longer than I did so they headed for a siesta.
Brent and Doc and Annette came down round 7 or so for some evening cocktails and she & I got into the rum cream. Too hilarious. Went over the shopping list for tomorrow's adventure, bright and early and we'll be heading down the coast to the Savanna La Mar market for baking supplies and fresh fish for supper. Realized I hadn't taken any pictures today except for the tree.
Turned in fair early - round 11ish - all good;)


Thurs Jan 13

After checking with Barry in Regina the day before, we determined that there were not alot of options for cake that you could bake in a 250 degree propane oven besides sponge cake or fruit cake. Annette, however wanted to learn how to make a marble cake so it was off to the drawing board with a little improvise and overcome mixed in for good measure. So I decided to hell with it, marble pound cake it is, made the list of ingredients and baking implements we'd need and after Doc & Brent made a hanging nest for the laying chicken that decided to go back into production the four of us were off on a road trip.
Doc and Annette live in Sheffield a township just outside of Negril in the beginning of the hills and we were going down the south western coast to Savanna La Mar, the biggest town in Westmoreland. Lots of shopping there but only half as far as Montego Bay.The drive is through cottage country with small roadside businesses thrown up beside half million dollar contemporary and traditionally styled manor homes set back from the roadway. The degree of difference between those who have, and the majority of the population, is a study in stark contrast. Tropical forest and cane fields dot the countryside, little tiny houses nestled into the sides of the foothills, the crazy road veering to and from and up and down like a Herbie the Love Bug rally on steroids. Little glimpses of ocean whoosh by on the left and the valley and the mountains hover in the distance on the right.
Like cottage country everywhere the townships sort of melt into one another and if you miss the sign you may not even know you've passed into a new one, unless the schoolkids are out waiting for their buses and root taxis. Most of the schools still use uniforms and every school has its own colours. Clean and pressed, white shirts, skirts and jumpers, short pants and trousers, like flocks of birds swirling down the sides of the roadways.
Once we got to Savanna La Mar, and NOT on a regular market day I was amazed at the people everywhere. We paid the local parking cop for parking - no meters, and headed for the largest covered market on the coast road. Each vendor has their stall and you could find just about anything fresh that could be found. Annette and I wandered, talking to folks as we go, showing what the different produce was and what it was for, what it would be cooked with and how it's prepared. All the while there's the singsong murmur of the merchants vying for customers' attention. Doc and Brent wandering as well. Then it was around and through to the fish market where Doc took the lead looking for fresh fish for supper. We were there a little late for the morning catch and after checking a number of stalls, Doc decided we needed to go elsewhere. Then it was to Bashco where they sell everything from furniture to small appliances - much like Zeller's before the big chains started selling food. I was looking for an electric hand mixer - no go - though they did have a big mix master - it was more than we needed for a cake;) So we grabbed some wooden spoons and a good strong whisk, cake pans and measuring cups etc, and I found a small electric kettle and some enamel mugs for my room at the hotel (Morning coffee).
Then it was down a couple of blocks to the supermarket for the ingredients, Annette decided we she I and should walk it. That was an interesting walk. Annette acted as translator when comments were too fast for me to catch, I'm picking up the patois but there's no way I can catch all of it, that'll take either years or complete immersion, but the comment I heard most was "champion". Apparently a good thing according to Annette.
LOL
We made out like bandits and found everything we needed after some concerted searching, well except for Doc's fish.
We stopped for some fresh coco bread on the way south out of town on the search for fish. We finally found this lovely red snapper at a roadside stand somewhere in Belmont - I think - a few townships past Savanna La Mar and then it was back up the coast to Negril to get home and start the great cake experiment.
Annette and I got work and between us, with a little improvisation - - after all the recipes told us we couldn't do it.

Holiday Mon & Tues #1

Mon Jan 10
Breakfast on the deck and sittin' on the beach. Got my new room on the ground floor MUCHOS better and a king bed to starfish on YAY!
Doc & Brent came by and we kicked back on the patio for a bit.
Headed up to the internet cafe for Brent and got sidetracked dropping off the burger king for Annette. Several red stripe later we was all dancin' and singin' round the dining room.


Tues Jan 11
Kory, Brenda and I walked down to the BarB for brekky. They even made brown stew for them on request. Met some other people, enjoyed an omelette and magic coffee and of course had to take pics of all the drink menus.
Back to Mariners and Kory & Brenda's ground floor room was ready so we got that all in gear. Then it was off to Sun outlet for Brenda shopping, a quick stop for Kory at the Canoe bar and hit the HiLo for red stripe rum cream yogurt and catfood so Brenda could feed the resort kitties.
Ivan was over for a bit, then Brenda's friend Statement came by and we just chilled on the patio for some time.
Next stop Negril Escape to see Freddie MacGregor. You walk down this curvy path till you hit the dance floor right on the cliffs - beautiful. Good vibes great company!

holiday sunday

I was up really early so I popped down to the lobby to upload some pics and met some of the regular guests. Mary and Bill have been coming here for years - and their friend Carl. Funny and tart. From Wisconsin.
YAY! Doc found my cards. They must have fallen out of my new jeans at Scrub a Dub and someone turned them in. Double YAY for whoever found them!

AND Annette and I spent the entire afternoon cooking. I made Jamaican deep fried chicken and learned to make rice and peas the RIGHT way.So we made homemade supper for Brenda & Kory, Doc, Brent, Leon and us two. It was terrific and Annette said I did a great job with the chicken. And I wrote down all the instructions and took pictures. Apparently what I was doing wrong with my attempts at curried goat, was that I should be using a pressure cooker. Good to know.
I am going to try and find a recipe for scratch cake that can be cooked in a 250 degree max oven and Annette and I are going to make marble cake.

So happy Brenda is finally here! Wish so many others were too. Charlie's chickens are getting bigger and populating the coop, so there will be several egg layers soon. You should have seen Brenda's face when I told her Annette and I went out and caught a chicken, chopped off it's head, plucked and butchered it for supper. And i DIDN'T HAVE THE CAMERA READY.

All in all a wonderful day.

Brent picked up a few things including a juicer for Annette - lordy if only you could have seen the unmitigated joy on Doc's face when he was using it to make orange juice. Priceless.

holiday days 2 &3 (Fri/Sat)

Fri Jan 7

Up at 7, Kory was already up and about. Headed down to the beach for brekky at Lingah. By the 100 little gods there's nothing like sitting on an open patio, a tropical breeze wafting through your hair, surf singing along and bacon & eggs with dumplings topped with magic java.
Kory came sauntering up the beach from Mom's place, so we had a sit and figured out what we needed to do today. Called Doc, and got the biggest brightest damn hug when he got here. His laugh just makes you smile!It was off to Digicell to pick up a couple of payasyougo phones - it's a long beach and we aren't always going in the same direction ;) So now Kory Doc and I have matching red cells.A stop by the HiLo grocery provided us with a few cases of guinness, red stripe,and watah. Found the rum cream and they have a new flavour - "COFFEE" so I had to get that too. Then stopped by the Sun outlet to collect some more hugs from the lovely Annette and pick up aTshirt or two and a beach chair towel.
Once we got everything stored Doc was off and running so I Kory and I lotioned ourselves up and headed for the beach.
My pool noodle experiment was successful and it does stop me from getting pushme-pullme'd all over in the waves and let's me just bob on the surface like a message in a bottle. Sun baking commenced with a nice shade tree and loungers that didn't creak when I sat down. When hunger started to growl we wandered down to the Traveller's Inn for lunch - it was AWESOMER. And they have karaoke Fri & Sun. and brunch Sunday too.
Just before sunset Doc & Brent joined Kory & I at the beach bar where our evening shenanigans were planned, a visit to Scrub a Dub - a carwash long since converted to a "strip club" seemed to be on order and the boys would pick us up round 11:30. Kory headed for a siesta, the boys to ppick up Annette, and Myself and some of the locals toasted the sunset and danced on the beach well into the evening.
Beverly, the resort's masseuse and I share a taste for the rum cream & guinness and we had a blat with Sharee and Deano and a few of the long time visitors to the resort. Good music, great company and no stress.


Sat Jan 8
We all slept in until 10 this morning which might have had something to do with the fact that we didn't get back from Scrub a Dub's till after 3 in the morning ;) did some banking had breakfast on the beach and with no desire to do anything but laze the day away Kory and I hauled the cooler down to our oceanview loungers and did just that.
My discovery that my credit cards and ID were missing, while we were waiting for pickup to watch some football at Margueritaville came as a nasty surprise. I used it last on Friday morning at Sun, and was pretty sure I put it back in my purse but after searching evrything I own it is still missing. Have to check with Sun in the am and otherwise call and cancel everything. Damn.


Sun Jan 9

Br& Kory are going to run into MoBay to get her and Annette is going to show me how Jamaicans really cook ;)

on holiday day 1

Despite fighting a nasty cold I have been so excited that REM sleep has generally eluded me for the last several days.Not that it mattered cause today I was going back to Jamaica mon.
Work flew by, picked up the last few things I needed, had a pint with Mur at the Abbey and collected some hugs, and then booted over to Amanda & Chris' for supper and a game of monopoly with the grands, and it was time to go.
Chris hauled me to the port and dealt with my luggage (wonderful guy) and took my coat back to the house with him. Despite my great paranoia about luggage weights- it was all good and I checked both cases, picked up my smokes from duty free (less than $100 for 2 cartons), and sashayed my way through security without at hitch. Kory was already waiting so I grabbed a Timmy Ho's and we chilled until the flight was called.
Surviving the hazing from my friends about the blowing snow and winter weather, the flight left ON Time at just after midnite. Kristeo and Selso were on it, a few other people from work, and at the last minute Brent Pool showed up too!
If only the 2 children seated behind me could have seen their way to settle, stop crying and quit kicking the back of my seat, it would have been better. The "Please return to your seats" notice when I was in the head caused me a bit of panic, but really when you've already traversed the micro aisle and managed to wedge yourself in there, you might as well finish what you started, it was only a bit of turbulence so really ...
The lights of civilization at night was an amazing experience, and the storm out to the east as we overflew St Loius was phenomenal. Seeing lightening from the top down - BOOYAH! It looks like a mushroom cloud explosion when you're above it, a sentiment that my seatmate didn't apparently appreciate. The lights along the Florida keys were a glowing necklace and the total void once we were over the ocean was astounding.
The sun was just starting to peek over the edge of the world when we reached the island.
Immigration was quick, the JUTA transport was about 20 minutes late and Margueritaville closed but our driver Franklyn found us a roadside cold beer stand just outside of MoBay. Tourist prices for red stripe that early in the morning - but really who cares;) I was so happy to be driving along on the coast road that I found myself actually crying for joy. Frank was hilarious and is quite adamant that before we look anywhere else we should go to Port Antonio for real estate.
The Mariner is one of the older hotels on 7 mile, a patina of age comfortably settled across its shoulders. They found Kory and I a room to stay in until check in time at 2. Our King rooms won't be available until Monday (thank you expedia you jerks), but the ones we got are clean and serviceable. The safe in my room however, doesn't work. So we got cleaned up and wandered through the garden getting our bearings and looking for eats and cold bevvies around 10ish.
Lyngah by the Sea is the local outdoor restaurant perched on the edge of the beach with an endless view of the ocean. The service was great and the food ..mmm.. awesome! jerk chicken salad with this tangy mango sauce and blue mountain coffee with rum cream. Kory had the jerk chicken dinner and from the looks of our remains it was fan-freakin-tastic.
I could have just sat there all day.
Wandered a bit about the property, there's a minimart, 2 gift shops, the pool, and a beach bar. Big sand, l,ots of loungers and some pretty good shade trees for afternoon napping.
So Kory and I started walking the beach in the early afternoon - we sauntered down to the BarB Barn and had some cool ones there, and continued on to Alfreds where we had supper. Scampi for me with jamaican cole slaw and rice and peas, fish for Kory. Delicious. Will certainly go there again.
Having traversed over 2K of sand walking and being sleepless foe most of 3 days I grabbed a cab back to Mariners while Kory continued his trek (another mile) down the beach to Margueritaville.
A few cool ones at the beach bar, splash in the ocean, a shower and crisp clean sheets and it was nighty night little girl.
Sleepin' with a big ass grin.
...and my cold is almost gone;)

and a one and a two ...

Packed and ready. One more day of work, a visit with the kids and the grands and in 24 hours and 30 minutes - lift off.

Here's to great weather for the prairies while I'm gone. I'll miss the people but not the snow.

I can hear the waves lapping on the beach already.

Ciao bellas.

back to work

I have code id by dose. I've not had one in several years. It blows.

3 trips to the medi clinic to get some antibiotics to head the chronic bronchitis off at the pass considering I'M LEAVING ON A JET PLANE WEDNESDAY At midnite for my happy place. Got there at 2 today and brother was that a lucky call. Their walk-in is only open noon till4 and I was the last client they would schedule today. Doc says so far just a cold but better safe than sorry. The pharmacist also suggested some advil cold and sinus (he is taking it right now too) to deal with the yucky part of the symptoms.

So I gathered everything up, hit my last fake bake which also felt better and made myself some chicken noodle barley soup - mmmm. Realized that even though I thought I was packed - I forgot to pack mend and pack my fave beach shorts, then add the sunscreen & prescriptions - and change the clothes I'll be wearing on the plane.

The kids are going to take me to the port and keep my winter wear so I don't have to deal with hauling it in the tropical heat along with the big case, carry on and laptop bag. I am going for 3 weeks ;)

Tomorrow I'll drop off the reno plans at the condo board office (thank you Liza & Brian). Go to work, hopefully have coffee with the boyo and then Deb is going to make indian food for supper ...mmmm.

I think everything else is in hand to go - I just have to stop myself from crawling out of my own skin in anticipation. This is SO much different than last year's adventure because I KNOW what I am looking forward to, and I think better prepared. DaMN - Did I pack the hat? hmmmm

Ah well, had to put the other stuff away anyhoo.

Don't know if I'll post everyday but it'll be often. There's not a lot to do at 6am as you're watching the sun come up on the beach so it's a good time to catch up.

s'irie.

new year's resolutions

who needs more pressure?

reverb 10.30 : gift

This month, gifts and gift-giving can seem inescapable. What's the most memorable gift, tangible or emotional, you received this year?

This is too easy. Watching my son grin like a cheshire cat, from the tips of his toes to the top of his head. Tooth pain free. BooYah!

reverb 10.29 : defining moment

Describe a defining moment or series of events that has affected your life this year.

You know, that's kind of funny. In many of these reverb posts and actually in posts I have made all year are shining tidbits of the glory that is me.

The year started in trepidation as I risked my comfortable bubble and stepped back into the world. As it happens it was more a sashay and dive. Either way, this year has been all about grabbing life with both hands and riding the wave with the occasional attempt to divert it's direction to discover something else I'd lost along the way.

We had a familyy reunion in Sawn River this year and we had a family service in this teeny ancient little church (our family filled it) that family members generations ago had both built and served in. My Aunt Marg asked me to do one of the readings for the service, and it happened to be about oneness, by Thich Nhat Han. Not only was I honoured to be invited to do the reading, the subject was something I have been conciously practicing this year so it really resonated with me. It just seemed too conincidental not mean something. But of course it did. We are all part of everything, everything is in us. This year I had a multitude of moments where I was one with the universe. It may sound corny, but I only hope that you get that chance too.

It's life changing.

reverb 10.27 : ordinary joy

Our most profound joy is often experienced during ordinary moments. What was one of your most joyful ordinary moments this year?

Watching & listening to my grandkids Devi & Seth trying to keep their collective cool while wrangling over whose turn it was to sleep over at my place. They are my joy together and apart. All I need is to hear either of their voices and I have a better day.

But it's still super stupendous to feel that "wanted", and to know that they pay attention about communicating with each other. You should hear the arguements that they can marshall forth in defense of their desire for it to be "my turn".

I'm waiting for the day when one of them tries the bait & switch. I wonder if it will work?

reverb 10.26 : soul food

What did you eat this year that you will never forget? What went into your mouth & touched your soul?

I have a very intimate relationship with food. I don't believe I can share this with anyone yet. let me just say it was very tasty.

reverb 10.25 : Photo - a present to yourself

Sift through all the photos of you from the past year. Choose one that best captures you; either who you are, or who you strive to be. Find the shot of you that is worth a thousand words. Share the image, who shot it, where, and what it best reveals about you.



I shot this the end of the 8th day in Jamaica. January 2010.

It's the best because there I am - all of the little bits of lost pieces found and put together in one very transparent package. And I am bone deep happy.

How do you beat that?

reverb 10.24 Everything's OK.

What was the best moment that could serve as proof that everything is going to be alright? And how will you incorporate that discovery into the year ahead?

Well actually, everything may not end up being "alright", that's for the future to know and reveal to me once I get there. Sure they can be alright in the sense that you're still alive and the earth is still turning - but that does not mean that every thing is ALL RIGHT.

That said, I improvise & overcome and take it as it's served.

reverb 10.21 : Future self

Imagine yourself five years from now. What advice would you give your current self for the year ahead? (Bonus: Write a note to yourself 10 years ago. What would you tell your younger self?)

Hope for the best, plan for the worst. That way even the nasty surprises aren't quite.

dk. Do not let the words and actions of the people that you care about interfere with your life. They are opinions and perspectives and often not very thoroughly thought out. Trust your intuition. Sure you may be wrong sometimes but that's how we learn.

Do not shut off parts of your life because you are afraid of being hurt. Pain fades, wounds heal, and you won't have missed an opportunity.

reverb 10.23 : New name

Let's meet again, for the first time. If you could introduce yourself to strangers by another name for just one day, what would it be and why?

It would be sugar pants. "Hello, I'm sugar pants."
Can you imagine? That nomenclature seems to make a lot of people uncomfortable. It is sassy and not PC at all. I like when people are uncomfortable because their body language is so much more truthful.

The people that aren't uncomfortable are generally laughing with me.

reverb 10.22 : travel

How did you travel in 2010? How and/or where would you like to travel next year?

I went on my first winter vacation to a tropical destination by aeroplane. I packed everything but the kitchen sink. I didn't use half of what i took. Strange since I pack so well for camping. Remember - you may have to haul all that luggage fronmt the terminal to the transfer bus and then walk several blocks with it at the resort.

This year I'm traveling to the same place but waaaay lighter. Bathing suits, cotton dresses, shorts, a couple of tank tops, sandals, runners and a pair of heels, two dressup outfits (dressing for dinner). Minimal makeup - eyeliner, shadow and blush - that's it. 1 shampoo and 1 conditioner - no spray or straighteners mousse etc - there`s no point;) Basic jewelry. No pillows, towels, or housecoats but I will take my mini USB fan that runs off my laptop. Only 2 books. One hat. Only 3 pairs of shades. No big sweeater to the airport either, I`ll smoke in the car and brave the cold between the car and the terminal, hauling it through the aeroport later in 110% humidity is not to be done twice.

Better laptop/electronics/camera bag this year - easier to get things in and out, room for documents & a book, meds and my litre bag of 100ml bottles. Take sandwiches on plane.

Pick one touristy thing to do a week and otherwise relax.

Practice with skype BEFORE I go.

Park the car at the kids so if there's a snowstorm of epic proportions towing is not something you have to worry about.

Call the bank and the plastic keepers and tell them you're going out of country so they don't muck about with your authorizations.

Take your own alarm clock.

2 bottles each of sunscreen and moisturizer. (I ran out last time)

hey mom, miss you.

It's still like yesterday and forever away.
I awoke weeping, not knowing why until I saw the date on the calendar.
And it's a full moon.
Now I understand why I wanted to get floor licking drunk yestereve.

Your image in my mind's eye has been gone for a while but I carry you in my heart everywhere I go.

Amanda is getting married next year. Her dress is beautiful, she looks like a princess. The kids are hilarious. Devi's 10 going on drama 25, and Seth is an irascible 9. Stages. Chris is workin' hard and doing his damnedest to meet his responsibilities.

Murray has the most gorgeous smile and he's not sick all the time anymore. He's still dealing with an ulcer but even that is starting to heal up now. There's some positive stuff going on there and he's back to talking about school. He and Nola have been together over a year now, a little rocky sometimes but they're working through it, much like everyone else :)

Patty and I were laughing at you on her birthday, remembering when you were "visioning" your eyesight better and nearly ran me over with the truck.

Patty is finally getting the man she deserves. You'd love Jeff, he's a keeper. What's great is that he truly appreciates all that she is, and tells her. Patty is happy.

Liza and Brian are working on growing the biz & I think things are going well. Liza certainly seems happier.

All the kids are doing their thing. The Beez calls me KK now.

We had a family reunion in Swan this summer. It was glorious but would have been a million times better if you had been there.

Love you.

reverb 10.20 : beyond avoidance

What should you have done this year but didn't because you were too scared, worried, unsure, busy or otherwise deterred from doing? (Bonus: Will you do it?)

I'm thinking that I would have to say the big one was drop some more weight. This year I mostly concentrated on reducing my intake of processed foods, increasing the WHOLE foods and downsizing the portions. This certainly helped and I dropped 45 pounds since last January.

BUT....

I know I need to exercise. And I have totally avoided it. I have taken short half hearted stabs at being more active and usually end up hurting myself in the process. But that's not why I avoided it. No matter what my "out loud" excuse was there are really only two reasons why I avoided it. The first is because I self sabotage (working on it) and the second is because I am lazy.

And I am perfectly aware of both of those flaws.
Will I do something about it you ask?

I have a plan.

When I get back from Jamaica at the end of January (I lost 20 pounds there last year in 2 weeks and I got into an active groove) I am joining the YMCA and I will waterwalk and swim, or even just walk walk - inside where there's no ice to wipe out on. But I will exer(shiver)cise a minimum of twice week, the aim is for 3-4 times a week by summer.

Look out 50 here I come!

reverb 10.19 : healing

What healed you this year? Was it sudden, or a drip-by-drip evolution? How would you like to be healed in 2011?

~ two weeks in a foreign country that felt like I had finally come home ~

Thank you Kory & Brenda for harassing me, in the nicest way possible, to join you on your annual pilgrimage to the sun.

dk got her groove back ;)

reverb 10.18 : try

What do you want to try next year? Is there something you wanted to try in 2010? What happened when you did / didn't go for it?

In the words of the great one

There is DO, or DO NOT. THERE IS NO TRY.


That said I did all kinds of new things this year because at the beginning I had decided to go back to my normal "risktaker" mode that I had put away several years ago in favour of "normalcy". It was an EPIC success. I ate new foods, went new places, broadened my horizons. I found some missing parts of myself, let go of some unneeded parts and redefined the rest, the miracle suit will have to do until I lose the rest of the unwanted bits;)

On the balance I also got hurt more but healed and grew stronger through the tribulations. I believe I lived this year growing and doing less damage to myself and those around me.

BTW, my mom always told me that "Try" is an "I don't want to word.

reverb 10.17 Lesson Learned

What was the best thing you learned about yourself this past year? And how will you apply that lesson going forward?

You need to not listen to your own negative selftalk because sometimes you are SO convincing...

I no longer listen to ALL of the inside voices. I am being more discriminating and attempting to listen to only the positive ones;)

reverb 10.16 Friendship

How has a friend changed you or your perspective on the world this year? Was this change gradual, or a sudden burst?

First let me say thank you to the 100 little gods for the plethora of friends that keep in contact with me. And honestly, sometimes it IS them keeping in contact with me - though lately it has been me keeping in contact with them. See saw marjorey daw... anyway - each of them has influenced change in me. That's what friends do.

Anyway, people change every minute of every day and as does one's perspective, though often you are not even aware of the process until the day you find yourself with your mouth open and words you never expected to hear from your own self. are tumbling pithily over your lips. wtf?

Then there's the epiphanous change ~ the instantaneous non-regulation burst ~ that usually scares hell out of several persons of interest, not the least yourself.

In my ongoing attempt at personal evolution, here is the list of criticisms my friends knowingly or not, laid down about me, that I have tried to be aware of and change (where I thought I should because some of these are just wrong) in 2010. Did it work? Only they would know.
I am always talking about me.
I am too hard on myself.
I should recognize that I am beautiful.
I think I am always right.
I am apparently, a religious bigot.
I am fat and unhealthy and will die soon if I don't do something about it.
(this originates from you need to exercise and watch what you eat)
I talk too much about my holiday.
I need to be in a relationship.
I'm too old to be hanging around with some of my friends.
I don't spend enough time with my family.
I should shut the hell up.
I take too many pictures.
I should dye my hair all the time to hide the white/grey.
I party too much.
I should take some more university classes.
I gossip.
I am always with the drama ...

Yup I think that's about it. While there is certainly some truth in there - it also raised a question with me. What or who exactly do these people see me as?

So in paying attention to my friends critiques I have to wonder if some of them are really my friends.

reverb 10.15 5minutes morphed to 15 minutes

Imagine you will completely lose your memory of 2010 in five minutes. Set an alarm for five minutes and capture the things you most want to remember about 2010.

This year has so many memories that 5 minutes just won't cut it, which is but one of the many reasons I am such a camera freak. My friends call me the Archivist ;)

Thus and so:

The juxtaposition of the poshness of the resort with the paucity of choice in the market. FRESH blue mountain coffee. grilled lobster on the beach. tropical downpour. my connection with my planet, guess I'm not alien after all. the grandeur and the intimacy of the ocean. Kory & Bren, biff & SKD, Kerry & Beffie - Marguerita ville and Rick's - too much fun. crispies. airplane rides;) fluffiness. air so heady you can smell the jungle growing. curried goat & jamaican patties.

Deb finished her Diss! Taraarah boomdeay's 30th bday at Malibu's place!Losing my friend John. sworn in at Eagles. Lloyd. St Paddy's where the OHanlons crew migrated to the Abbey for $5 pints and a place where we could smoke without having to wait in line to get back in. Devi's 10th birthday - salon & limo ride. Brad's wedding. penis puppets with Anna. Mur & Nola's open house feed the masses party. Queen review with Stacy. Handsome Joe's 30th bday. Seth's first baseball team winning the City Champs. Castro. Davis Beach and the sanitarium. camping. Goldie's unicorn. Swan River reunion and getting to know Michael. fusion's new website. new teeth. Jase and Dave and wine. karaoke. Murray's new smile. booking my next vacation. painting stuff blue for dad. new clothes a smaller size. Amanda's sunday dinners and Chris' helpfulness.

Found old poetry and older pictures. Brent's 40th. sleepovers with the grands. Brenda running away to Hollywood. made new old friends. the Keg for my bday. lunch at the Creek with Amanda. all the new babies. Anarchy leaving us. Kevin's hardwood floor. Winnipeg with Kory to see Brenda,Solid Gold, Hooters and the crazy cast. grey cup. turning 49 ;)my new kitchen light and plans for kitchen in Feb 2011.

4 years of online journalling

Hmmm. So what does that actually mean to me? What do I get out of blogging? I don't have many followers, there aren't a ton of strangers popping by to read my words. I am not making any effort to induce them to pop by either, so what is it that motivates me to continue?

I like to see my words writ clear.

This is ever so much easier to read than my handwriting.

I have met some pretty funky people here.

I can ask big questions or little questions or generally rant on about my topic of the moment and none asks "Where's your inside voice?"

For those I don't see often enough, it's a way for them to keep current, much as I do when creeping their blogs.

It is an ongoing conversation with myself, and it's gfreat so long as not too many me's are trying to talk all at once.

Happy blogiversary!

reverrb 10.14 appreciate

What's the one thing you have come to appreciate most in the past year? How do you express gratitude for it?

I appreciate those days where the universes come together in harmony and provide me with a pain free day. On those days I know I've trod the right path somehow.

I express my gratitude by living that particular day very well, staying in the moments as they are revealed to me.

reverb 10.12 body integration

This year, when did you feel the most integrated with your body? Did you have a moment where there wasn't mind and body, but simply a cohesive YOU, alive and present?

This is EXACTLY why I need to retire to Jamaica.I stepped of the plane and was HOME.

Immediate connection, not just body mind but body mind planet. The air was the right weight, every breath brought more life inside me, bathed in great sol's abundance, it tasted of home. Susurro of the ocean reflected in the sway of my step. My eyes widened and my skin drank in the richness. the stress string that ties the body in knots just slipped away.

And then I went out on the ocean. In a little wooden fishing boat about 15 feet long and 5 feet wide. The swell is taller than the boat and moves you. Once you integrate the oceanic groove with the woody vibe of the outboard, sunkissed skin and the burst of salt spray as you crest some cross chop - it just doesn't get any better.

It was freeing that ride. It was where I belonged right there, right then. I almost got lost there. No place in particular and everywhere at once. No need to speak, just lean back and let the wind clear my soul. Embraced by mother sea, knowing that every atom that was me was perfectly in harmony with every other.

Seared effortlessly into my heart - I need but to close my eyes and breath in just a little bit of quiet and I can take myself right back there. All connected.

the new kitchen textures

Update: Peter installed my kitchen light fixture today! YAY!!!! It has been sitting in my hallway 3 weeks shy of 2 years.



and it is now on the ceiling - with a dimmer for those days when you don't want to know about the spots on the stainless.





YAYYYY!!!!! Cupboards!!!!!to be installed in February 2011 - another great thing to look forward to :) thank you Brian - can hardly wait to see the plans.

reverb 10.11 things

What are 11 things your life doesn't need in 2011? How will you go about eliminating them? How will getting rid of these 11 things change your life?

I don't believe I actually have 11 things in my life to get rid of, unless we are talking specific finite objects.
1. My extra weight. Fewer carbs, smaller portions, exercise => live better.
2. I'm sure half the stuff in the hall closet. Clean sweep time. For some reason I keep all the boxes that stuff comes in and I have a hard time letting go of jackets I no longer wear. Will allow me to find what I'm looking for in half the time and give me a place to stash my secret santa ;)
3. $$ stress. I have an appointment with a financial planner who will assist me in making my jamaican retirement dream come true resulting in no worries about my future so I can live more in today.
4. I know I need to quit smoking. I've reduced to a carton every 3 weeks. I'm not sure how I am going to stop completely because I don't really want to. But it's on the list. I'll be healthier, my insurance will cost WAY less, my clothes won't smell and that's $1560 I won't burn through. Strangely that's what my hotel costs for 3 weeks on the island. hmmmmmm.
5. Purposefully stupid people. I will have to stop thinking that they will - at some point - change their minds and get it together. Let 'em go. Less aarrgghh! for me.

If I come up with anything else I'll add it later.

Reverb 10.10 Wisdom

What was the wisest decision you made this year, and how did it play out?

I read the prompt and the only thing I could come up with was, "What IS wisdom?"

I have to think about this one . . .

The wisest decision that I made this year was to live my life as close to in the moment - every moment - with guts and gusto while welcoming risk with open arms.

There have been epic wins and some minor failures. I learned more about myself. I made new friends. I participated in more events. I was way less lonely. I am learning to find my outside shape as appealing as my inside one. I say "no" more often. I am more hands off where I should and more hands on when I want to. I have gotten more accomplished on the gotta be done list and shortened the bucket list.

But best of all I have acted compassionately more consistently.

Reverb 10.9 Party

What social gathering rocked your socks off in 2010?

And back to the island I go ;) Wednesday at Margueritaville with BrendaKor, biff girl and Skinny Dave, theWolf, Beffy and DOC. OMG what hilarity ensued!~ Planted in chairs that kept sinking into the sand so that eventually you just crawled out of them or stayed where you were. 29 degrees on the beachfront with an ocean breeze (can't you just smell it),taking a dip in the ocean when you got too warm. Literally buckets of ice cold beer and good greasy bar food.

Making the server girls smile, especially when they brought around bottles for the customer shots - free pour directly down your throat. THE BEST sunset, and happy shiny people. Beats goin', no problem smokin',

Live music, fire dancers, magic Kerry in a grass skirt and "The best lookin' Canadian Man at Margueritaville Contest" - bwahahah - gloriously funny.

Then late night supper once we got back to the resort with jamaican patties and turkey - Brenda laughed so hard she almost had a drink come out her nose - I almost fell off my chair - and we all wobbled happily together back to our rooms for a nap until dawn.

Reverb 10.8 : Beautifully different

Reflect on all the things that make you different - and light other people up.

"Transparency" is my goal, like the original scotch tape. I don't hide my virtues or my flaws and I tend to stick to people. WYSIWYG - what you see is what you get. Though what you see is always a work in progress so you may be guaranteed that it will not be the same every time. In a world gone paranoid of personal security and identity theft I offer myself entire to everyone I trust upon meeting. C'mon - I'm instinctual and optimistic not a blind idealist - I know there are some untrustworthy strangers out there. I do profer them the opportunity to earn my trust. For those untrustworthy souls that I am familiar with, they know exactly how I feel about it.

"Laughter" I adore laughter. As Reader's Digest says It is the BEST medicine! And there simply is never enough of it. Laughter opens one to all the goodness happy joyous vibes in the universe and I think everyone deserves to get a little happy on. So I do what I can to induce that state even, occasionally, when it would be politically inappropriate but compassionately effective.

I LOVE to talk about the which is unproven;) Call them the 100 little gods/goddesses/deities/spirits/non-anthropomorphic expressions of the unknown. SO many people shy away from any discussion that is real, that touches what you BELIEVE, and yet I think that is one of the most interesting values an individual holds. It describes how they value things, it supports how they communicate, it determines the type of guilt they suffer through ;) I work very hard at staying open minded about other people's life path choices, though it has been pointed out to me recently that I have been denigrating christianity recently. For that I most heartily apologize. I have some personal bias there that bubbles up this time of year, though it isn't the fault of christianity per se, but a poor judgement call by one its authority figures.

I am a culture sponge. Describe it to me, feed me its food, let's groove to its music, revel in its art. Lets eat its literature and wraps ourselves its pattern and colours.

I am a bona fide geek of the first water who is a communicator by natural inclination and trade. Science and spirituality are my refuge. I am a 49 year old women with the wonder of an 8 year old child.

A slightly kooky sherman tank.

reverb10.6 : the last thing you made...

Well I cook - so I make a lot of things and I make a sincere effort at using whole foods (thank you son) and trying new flavours and textures to expand my palate. So the last seriously GOOD thing I made was Chili about 10 days ago. A ton of tomatoes, ground beef, white/yellow/red onions, celery, shredded carrots, mushrooms, garlic, brown baked beans/red beans/black beans (but no kidney beans I am still getting used to their texture), 3 or 4 red peppers, an orange pepper, a little demarra, lots of chili powder, Tabasco, Worcestershire, cayenne, paprika, hot sauce, Tony's creole spice and a handful of dried chili seeds. Man it was some delicious with just enough heat. Always better if you simmer for a day.

reverb10.5 : Let go.

What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why?

This year I have LET GO and double handful of thing but the most life changing would be a 4 decades old fear. I have been afraid of the dentist - not girly afraid - I mean a deep seated psychological terror inducing anxiety attacks and projectile vomiting - and that is before I even SIT in the chair, since the age of 12. I turned 49 this year.

Induced by a catastrophic visit to the dentist at a tender age and I am sure exaggerated by my oh so vivid imagination, i avoided that chair with every ounce of will power I had. The only way my new dentist would deal with me was to put me completely out and do the work so that I woke up with it all done. I could NOT sit in the chair without moving and crying and OH! what a to do. The sound of any kind of drill would occasionally paralyze me.

At 18, during my first pregnancy, the majority of the enamel on my teeth flaked off. Time for dentures the dentist said. So I went through the process - anesthetized - but only did the tops. (my mom always told me the bottoms were the worst and to hold onto them as long as I could - (though I seriously doubt she meant for me to go as far as I went)


Anyway, by 30, the bottoms were an "issue" ragged jagged, cracked and the abscesses started. By 40 I had learned not smile while showing the bottom teeth and regular would nick my tongue on the sharp edges in the back. It wasn't good. I would get an abscess in the same spot about every 3 months and my face would swell and my eye would go black and blue ..... yada yada yada. Antibiotics and lectures from my doctor to no avail. AT 42 I HAD TO REPLACE MY TOP DENTURE AND i WARNED THE NURSES OF MY FEAR - WHICH THEY POOH POOH POOHED. Mistake on their part. There wasn't even any pain involved just the whole impression process but I was F_R_E_A_K_E_D right out. At one point I thought I was suffocating and I| think I sacred one of the kids in the open spaced dental room that they wouldn't get back in the chair. Suffice it to say that it was not a happy day.

Then I had problems with the new plate. Teeth kept breaking off, it had a weird overbite and it felt like it was too big for my mouth. I tried to discuss it with the dentist who had them made and they just gave me the cold shoulder once they had my $800. Every time I had to get the plate fixed it would cost me $40. At one point two teeth broke off on a Thursday at 4 in the afternoon and I had to leave town for a family gathering the next day - a holiday so the denturist was closed - and through a process of elimination came up with my own solution: the toughest waterproof crazy glue Canadian Tire had. Be damned if it didn't work perfectly. For years.

At 45 I had decided that I really needed to get the bottoms pulled. I had a low grade abscess all the time in one tooth, pieces of the teeth were breaking off, it tasted so bad - all the time. I had a dental plan - I needed to look after myself and use it.

I started to make dentist appointments. In 2 1/2 years I made 8 appointments with 8 different dentists and actually made it to the parking lots of 2 of them.

This year, with a recommendation from several of my friends, mojo in hand, I made it inside the dentist's office for a consultation. White knuckled, fingers leaving grooves in the edge of the reception desk the nurse asked if I was okay. I almost turned and ran. Instead, tears dripping down my face I looked at her and said, "I am so afraid - just the smell makes me sick." And instead of putting me down or outright laughing at me - as others had done - she said "no problem we'll get this done as quickly as possible and see what we could do to make it less traumatic." And she did.

Arrangements were made, I had 2 months to get myself ready for game day and my lovely new dentist used anesthetic right in the office to make me stupid but not comatose. I went in on torture morning relatively calm, went to sleep and the next thing I knew I was being woken up and all 14 teeth were gone in an hour and a half. After that experience my visits to a GREAT denturist were a piece of cake.

Today I have a great smile, no more abscess, and fear be gone.

Reverb 10.3 : Moment

There have been so many.

January 20, 2010 - the 4th day of my first out of North America winter holiday. Negril, Jamaica. I found the misplaced pieces of me - an excerpt from my journal: "I started to sing inside and out, whenever the mood took me, do a little two foot shuffle as I crossed the lounge just for the sheer joy of it. Body size started to matter only when it became an inconvenience like a narrow chair or a ladder. My bounce was back. I quit taking everything except my vitamins and felt even better. When complimented I said thank you instead of looking at my feet and mumbling something unintelligible. The chin came up and so did everything else, I felt taller."

and my lingerie matched ;)

the Bleekly :

Hah! So much for NaBloPloMo. Today is brought to you by the word "blog" recombinated with the word "week", new word for me. the Bleek, the blog I apparently cannot find enough time to update - except for once a week, and even that limit is fairly flexible dependant upon what adventures have launched since the last Bleek.

This week has been full of fun and frivolity and an attempt to make my Visa blush by using it like a Times Square hooker.

I have managed to purchase all of my santa presents except 2, I used my work technology loan to purchase a new Canon Rebel with both the 18-55 and 75-300 telephoto lens along with 2 new 500G free agent go drives (love 'em - size of a pack of smokes and they need no external power source), the dotter's wedding gown has been shipped and is on its way from TO, an anticipated package from Ghunzang post office is on it's way to me via Vancouver, and the ThinkGeek box got here Wednesday last.

I spent a lovely evening out with the dotter looking at shiny things and of course could not walk away without something ... but this time it was for me. A lovely pale green and purple jade buddha that simply called me over and said "hey, why am I still in this case?". They gave me 20%, wine, munchies and flowers ... yay!


My toes are all pretty and pink with sparkly flowers care of my Pixx and the deadends are long gone from the white/grey/brown/red curls gracing my vanilla latte fake baked bod. Me & the colour god have a meeting in late december about 2 weeks before my escape to warmer climes. I'm thinking a nice warm golden brown.

Thursday opened the door to the weekend madness with tequilas all around and 10 little wings for supper. Pints with the eagles crowd and forward ho to the Hub where - somehow - the Patron showed up for Minda Sheri & I and thank you brother for the ride home. Sorry for forgetting to put your hat & gloves back in the truck.

Of course my need to feel included reared it's monstrous mug once again as evidenced by my subconscious effort to join the Biff girl club when I managed to get across the street, up the stairs, and into the condo before I tripped - hands full of gift bags including the schmancy new camera - and did a lip stand in my hallway. Whacked the fireside bench with my face as I laid myself out head to toe on the hardwood. Timmberrrrr! And rolled around for 10 minutes laughing at the absurdity of it all until the cheekbone started to complain. holy mother. The knee didn't pipe up until Friday morning of course.

I got to spend several hours dallying over a lovely nuncheon with the pretty girl catching up and laughing and being picky about walnuts. Our little side trip to XLS cargo was fruitless but I believe I have inherited a couple of winter jackets - yay!

Met the boyos at the pub for pints and Dave called shenanigans. Once we managed to take over the big table it was decided that wine at my place would be much less expensive if not less crowded and the next leg of Fraturday ensued. With a condofull of people - 10 or 11 - most of whom had never been to my place before - we cranked on some tunes and yakked about everything from god to art until about midnight at which point privacy was abandoned for the heavy bass of the dance groove at the barbar. Needless to say it was a late night ;)

Saturday was family day. Decisions were made for Boxing Day christmas dinner at Dad & Viv's in the Jaw along with much razzing of the seester and her building block lego sheds to make her 2200 sq foot house for $50k. I bet it'll work. Brian agreed to get the drawing for the kitchen done, and Amanda and I inherited some more clothes for her/Devi/Me. The roads were so smushy I almost got stuck leaving her place to get the groceries I'd forgotten Friday.

Then it was boot it back to my place to take some semi-formal pictures of the PattyJeffness - which turned out smashing by the way - with my new camera. Out for dinner with the crew and then watched a couple of old black & whites with the footsies up after I finished making the mmmm stuffing for tomorrow's turkey and cloved demarra glaxe for the ham. It's gonna be delish I tells ya.

And then Grey Cup day dawned a little crispy and the flatlanders hopes were burning bright. Off to Skinny Dave & Biff girl's place with Kory who won the turkey & the ham we're cooking, Minda's doing the marguerita's with my El Jimador,and Dave's organizing the seating. An old time get the families together Grey Cup party. The food was excellent, the company hilarious and the game ... well not so much. I thought the riders did a fair good job win or lose - but then what do I know, I'm a Bombers fan ;) It was kind of nice to have company.

Monday it's back to work - still lots of things to get done on the todo list - but isn't there always!

happy santa y'all

Reverb 10.1 : One Word

I've always been about the vibrations - the whorls and eddies created in the current of the planetary chi. I believe our intent as well as our actions create movement in the multiverse and this idea that Schmutzie found fits in rather well. I'm not likely to do one everyday, more likely I will act on those that move me ;)

The first one is a gooder:

ONE WORD that encapsulates all of your experience for 2010 - and explain why.
Then ONE WORD that you look forward to encapsulating the entirety of 2011 once you get there.

2010: risktaker
Epiphanies and dirges infected my year like chickenpox in a daycare. And at almost every step I did NOT take the safe road, as I have been doing low these many years. I ACTED instead of just dreaming or considering or talking. Yes I had some epic fails but I had more epic successes. Lesson learned: LIVE your life.

2011: Well-lived
To put into practice what I learned this year on a daily go forward basis.

monday ... brrrrrr

...and the weekend whizzed past with whirling snow and freeze your tootsies chilly, the todo list remains incomplete, but the decisions for countertop and door insets were made. I am trying to maintain the ambience of my 96 year old condo while bringing the kitchen up to snuff. Solid oak with lots of pot drawers, modern drawer inserts, some glass cabinetry and peekaboo inserts for the top cupboards so I can drag out the good china from the basement boxes. Highlighted with stainless appliances large and small and smooth round stainless stell racking for the sink wall. Now I only have to decide which of the two drastically different harware patterns will work the best.... damn, I like them both.

Pints with a couple friends, brunch with others and an overdue coffee date with my PJ. Took some pictures of the geese all huddled on the lake and went on a tour of the Homes for the Holidays with my seester.

I did not get the laundry done so that'll have to be tonight.

and one of my best friends is off on an adventure...

I will miss her every day but change is eternal ...

blink ...

thank you crackbook.

A couple of months ago I ran into an old friend - strike that - a friend from the olden days and we got to chatting. Catching up - finding out what we'd been doing etc. That incident triggered the old back brain files, long tucked away in a shadowy, pre-first marriage corner, to start chirping for attention from the forebrain. I started wondering about people I hadn't seen nor heard much of for 35 years. (real olden days OMG!) So I decided to start hunting some of them up on crackbook.

Lo and behold, though many of them are not aficionados of technology, a few of them were.

So today, Kelly and Sean and I went for coffee, which turned into 3 hours of sharing, many hugs, catching up and making plans to stay in touch this time.

Like magic, all I had to do was close my eyes and I was immediately transported to the week after I was released from juvenile hall ... the voices were almost exactly the same, a little smokey and rough around the edges, but I swear that for a few moments I was 15 again. Those voices made my heart lift. I haven't had any friends that didn't originate until after I was 19 for a very very long time. It's good to know that at least a few of us (rather unbelievably) have made it this far.

And then I'd open my eyes and yup, I was confronted with reality, we're old, wrinkled and grey haired. But we're still here.

Woop woop

it's nablopomo

Can I remember to write something here every day of Movember? Maybe, and can't know if I don't try so...

Today's song is brought to you by the foundering memory of a 49 year old woman and mishap with the hallowe'en laundry:

Glitter glitter everywhere,
even in the underwear.
Usually I just don't care,
But damn it itches way down there.

I am now in the last year of my 40s

with 50 staring me straight in the face. I just want to push 50 down the hill and skip to 55.

Last year the goals were to take off some weight, get my teeth fixed, and actually go to a different country for a vacation. Check, Check Check.

There was some serious transformation goin' on with me last year. I found some very precious lost, well maybe not lost, but definitely stuffed away to the back of the closet, pieces of myself. I now have 4 pink shirts, several very tarty dresses and a renewed dk attitude.

I found my way back, even though I'm still renovating the shape (but really - who isn't?), to loving myself inside and out.

I re-embraced emotional risk-taking and dumped the wishy washy too-safe politically correct socially appropriate responses to direct questions. I enjoy confrontation. I like to argue. I am back to my blunt self and people can love me or take a freakin hike.

I have relinquished my remaining control over my children's lives, my family's lives and my friends lives, and made the choice to interject my pearls of wisdom then stand back and watch the show. Quite a show some days;)

So this year's goals - hmmm. Have fun. Say what I mean. Don't get arrested. Reduce the weight and the debt and take another vacation.

and avoid snow storms.
Happy 49th birthday to me;)

thanksgiving & GIST all in one

I am thankful for:

~ the good health that myself and most of my friends and family enjoy.
~ a job I am happy going to almost every day
~ beautiful smart and independent grandchildren
(and the kids are pretty great too)
~ a new reason to smile every day
~ colour
~ music
~ being able to dance down my hallway
~ financial stability
~ the vision of new kitchen cupboards
~ moments of serenity and clarity
~ the interwebs for keeping me connected to those I care about no matter how far away they are.

Happy turkey day

winning

When it comes right down to it, I am making some serious headway on my goals. I got over, or maybe I should say through, my fear of the dentist and now have a pearly white smile. There will have to be a few adjustments and I find myself learning to chew all over again, but there will be no more abscess, no more gum disease, and they look mmmmarvelous;) win-win

The whole mega mass issue has always been an up and down thing for me, more up than down but c'est la vie. However, I've lost a net of at least 35 pounds since January and I am using the soup soup to stay off the upswing. A balanced diet with all the things I'm supposed to have and an attempt at seriously exerting my will when I want those things that are evil like fires and gravy or KFC and other fast foods goes hand in hand with curtailing the hops calories. It will likely take me 5 years to reach my goal, but it took me 10 to put it on. Another win-win.

I took on a project this summer and found myself banging my head against the wall because I could not find the brain drawer that I put those skills in when I quit using them 4 years ago. There was a soft spot on my desk where I had been banging my head when I realized - ah - why not install dreamweaver. Took me long enough. It's all about the right tools for the job. Job complete - on time, clients happy and so am I. My kitchen renos will now be way less expensive than when I first started planning them. win-win.

And then there's the exercise thing. Historically, every time I start some new regimen, I end up hurting myself. In the last couple of months I've decided to attack it a different way. I take longer steps when I walk. I do more stairs, but let's not kid ourselves, not that many more. I dance around my house. And I've been doing little 5 minute mini exercise breaks at work before coffees and lunch. The best is when I take myself on a photo walk, I get exercise AND I get some new pics. win-win.

and my new glasses are freaking smashing.

So welcome October, I look forward to my 49th birthday, becoming a more concentrated me, and being happy with that woman who stares out of the mirror every morning.

Fusion Woodworks

This is my brother-in0law Brian's family business. They're jumping into the digital age after 25 years of successful custom furniture and cabinetry design and manufacture. Their website just went up this week and even though it focuses on Hospitality and contract furniture, they also do residential jobs, and the furniture carries a 5 year warranty. Now where do you find that in this day and age.

If you look at the collections, I believe the most expensive bedroom suite (minus the actual bed) is priced at less than 2 grand.

Welcome to the interwebs fusion family ;)

fusionwoodworks.ca

catching up

Saw a whack of my friends this weekends, Run run run from Fri to early Sunday morning. 2 dinners, 3 birthdays, a going away and a leaving party along with a brunch and a coffee date thrown in. Almost missed the leaving party but Pretty Girl called me and woke me from my overlong nap (thank the 100 little gods), better late not not. A great night's sleep. Another sunny morning. Finished a bunch of housework and most of a coding project on Sunday that was due for the end of the month.

This morning my feet looked like baked potatoes and the rest of me was sing HR Puffinstuff. Probably too much time on my feet mixed in with a higher than usual salt intake from the various munchies. My feet are now doing better than the brown paper bags hanging out below my eyelids. Ah well.

Started to redo my website again, renewed interest. we'll see how it goes.

Made some really great soup yesterday too.

MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

First weekend in half a dozen that I get to go out and play.

Just listen for the sounds of manaical glee, that would be me.

If you hear sirens ... come post my bail.

big freakin' huge ass grin

better wear shades ... it might blind ya ;)

Though it does kind of feel like wearing a mouth guard on the bottom.

Don't care though, not one little bit.

WOOP WOOP!!!

Havin' a bigt ole salad for lunch!

it is officially dk d day

I have been at work since 7am. Started early because I have THE appointment at 3:15. I have not been this excited since the day before I left for Jamaica last January. I cannot sit still. I cannot focus on my work. I do not have any patience and/or an attention span.

I want them now. OK, now. Fine, now.

It's not working.

How about now? Nope.

damn.

still waiting.

When you hear that heartfelt ground pounding WHOOP! at 3:30 - that would be me with a full set of teeth.

impatiently waiting

My social life is gone ... immured in my home for over a month ... by choice, it matters not. 4 more sleeps 4 more sleeps 4 more sleeps. At least the sun is shining today

try try again

If at first you don't succeed:

TTA (as above)

Change the freaking rules.

Dow'n worry a'bhat' id.

Do it again. and again. and again. number 9 number 9

Do something else.

Have a nap.

Reconsider the original goal and do it a different way.

Any one else?

f*ck it

I had 6 paragraphs written and they disappeared.

no teeth yet. work better. life sucks.

sorry bout that neilochka.

bump day

Last look at the clock read after 2am. Woke again at 5, then the blaring alarm screamed at me at 6:15 A roll & slam fixed that, and I promptly fell right back to sleep. Holy crap it's 7:08 and I'm usually in my car having the 1st smoke of the day as I turn into the parkade by this time.

22 minutes later - exactly on the cell phone, I am parking in the parkade. It isn't pretty but I am still on time.

At 3pm I have my appointment with the denturist to see if we can make the bumps impression to make the tray to settle the bite to make the tester to make new plates for my million dollar smile.

I just hope the bumps are healed enough

saturday

was oh so much better.

Damn I miss salad.

TGIF ~ GIST ~ and catching up

Ola - to all my scads of readers ;) I have been terribly remiss when it comes to my writing ~ especially here over the last 6 weeks. Lots going on.

I have been involved building a commercial website in exchange for labour and materials to reno my kitchen ~ an ongoing longterm project. While I used to be on top of all the whiz bang gadgetry of interwebdesign and coding, over the last 4 years I have not maintained those skill sets so I have been delving into old files and relearning language etc. We have agreed upon the format and I am just editing content and graphics now, so it should be good to go soon. I am thoroughly enjoying the project and had forgotten how much I actually love to design.

Which segues quite nicely into: which is good because I am still in my self imposed social isolation due to the dental fufrahah. Healing well, go for first impressions later next week, then several more appointments for bite and fit - hopefully by the weekend of September 18th I will have a million dollar smile - then I'm going to get a tooth gem ~ bling bling .... after I chow down the biggest bloodiest steak I can find.

And then it will be back to the soup and not so chewy foods for as long as I can last. I've lost 2 inches off my waist and at least 15 pounds in the last 3 weeks, so I'm hoping if I stay on the soup intake with as much as I want salad I should be able to get the hell off this fat plateau I've been on for so long and make a discernable dent in the excess flesh department. My knees are feeling better and my pants are once again threatening to fall down as I walk. YAY!

And perhaps I will need to do some sewing to take in my shorts so they don't fall down as I spend 3 glorious weeks walking the white sugar sand of 7 mile beach in Negril, Jamaica this coming January. My friends Kory, Brenda & I got some sweet deals, under $600 for direct return flights nad $1560 for 3 weeks at the Negril Beach Club condos. So for $2160 (a third of last year's 2 week all inclusive jaunt which I still do not regret at all)I get to spend an extra week. Maybe $500 for food and liquor and I'm good to go.

So along with my new teeth I am also getting new glasses in September and am working on finding a new job.

Everything else ... is details.