the C word

The Dalai Lama says that it is not enough to be Compassionate, one must ACT. I hear that as all the good intentions in the world may stop individuals from negative behaviors, but the balance doesn't tip in favour of our survival until we act upon our good intentions.

We are of the world, we live in the world, we can change the world.

One of the greatest things about the different groups of friends that share themselves with me are their communal acts of compassion. Physical, emotional, financial assistance where it is needed even when it is unasked. Big hearts with many many feet.

I have no new years resolutions this year.

I will practice random acts of compassion.

Join me.

woe is me

The ongoing saga of how dk's knees are not happy with the load bearing sichumatation:

As for the weight loss I am still at a positive net loss even with the christmas interruption but it is nowhere near what I wanted it to be. Oh well, get over yourself, it is what it is. I did however want to drop some of the mass to ease my mobility on dry land.

I slipped on the ice early in December and did a killer job on the knee. It was behaving better - not locking and no backtalk for about a week before xmas. I slept over with the grands xmas eve - on the floor - and I think on one of the up/down occasions I must have released some granule of arthritic calcium build up which is now causing me random crunches squishes and general wobbliness.

Remember - I am being very careful because I leave for my trip to Jamaica in 18 DAYS!!!

This morning, all is good. Got in the car drove to work. As I am getting out of the car the left knee decides to turn lefter, instead of going straight and I almost ended up on my ass in the parking lot muck - thank you steering wheel. Clear pavement - no ice.

An hour and a half later - it's a bit swollen - not too much. It is not hot to the touch. It does hurt like a bitchbuggerdamn but tylenol should deal with that.

It's New Year's Eve tomorrow and I am supposed to be going out to the beach for a freeforall with my friends and jello everywhere * heavy sigh* and it looks like I may just be staying home looking after the wobbleators. figures.

Anyone know where I can get a telescopic or otherwise expandable cane to take with me?

one down

What a busy day today. Pretty productive for a day off but it was so gorgeous I had to be outside snow or no snow.

Up early, picked up Nola and went to Brown Sugar for the rays. Did a little retail therapy and found my solution for a travel purse. It's an Ameribag - baby version with lots of interior net pockets for both my cameraa, spare batteries, chargers, netbook, go drive etc. along with all the normal stuff I keep in my purse and a passport pocket. Ergonomic, solid zippers and bright bright red ;) to match the luggage. Picked up some nice big yellow sunshine luggage tags as well - they are wearing raybans.

Then it was on to the Tire to get what Kory tells me is a beach essential - the BUBBA Keg mug. It's stainless, 52 oz, thermal, sealable, it floats and has it's own red stripe bottle opener on the bottom. Done.

Scrumptious lunch with Miss PJ at Ricky;s - good food and great service. YAY!

Watched a movie with Deb, turkey leftovers for supper, and then finished sewing my linen outfit. Natural loose weave linen with fringes on the skirt and top - smashing.

Tomorrow start another of the sewing projects to be done by Saturday.

gotta love dem blues

Leadbelly, Muddy Waters, Billie, Hopkins, Hooker, Bessie Smith, Katie Webster, TBone, Robert Johnson, Blind John Davis, Pete Chatham, Dinah Washington.

Thank you Murray & Nola

holiday GIST

1. No family drama in 3 days of visiting and very happy grandkids. It's a miracle.
2. The new Scrabble Diamond board plus kids who kick your ass soundly on the very first game. Note to self get game exorcised.
3. A car that starts when I need it.
4. Clear highways on christmas day.
5. A vintage I Love Lucy purse and wallet, Hempz lotion and new tanning goggles,Chapters cards,new board games, Blues, the last early edition of LOTR books to complete my set, a buddhist knot and the prayer flags I have forgotten at 3 festivals this year, delicious aromatic lip balm, soaps and girlie stuff, and a repaired handmade afghan from the girl, and a safe holiday for my extended framily.

done in

It is finito for another year. ev erything appears to have gone well AND no major family squabbles.

Thank the hundred little gods.

Happy 30th anniversary to Dad & Viv, and 1st to Patty & Jeff. Huzzah!

just about done

Attempting to clear my desk so that the two next short weeks, while greatly appreciated as time off, do not sink my "catchupedness" before I leave for my trip.
I'm watching the snow swirl past the 12 floor windows and I cannot see the street. I can however, see the top of the Sask Hotel which I couldn't an hour or so ago. Let's hope it stays this way. THe annual year end review is done and it turned out well "very good" right in the middle of "excellent" or "solid" - I'll take it. My boss took Lorna and I out for lunch today - first time in over 3 years and it was quite lovely. I also managed to meet a personal goal, which even though it seems I have had an uneding string of maladies this year,I accomplished not having taken any ESL Extended sick leave this year - first time in probably 5 years. Yay me!
Presents are purchased and wrapped and cards are written - except for the parts of the Wii that are still charging.
So now it's stop for a pack of smokes - a goal I failed though not miserably. I'm maintaining around a pak - pak and a half a week, so long as I don't go to the pub. The Ladies Auxillary will be missing some members this evening so Malibu and I may need to make up for them. Oh darn.
To everyone travelling the flatlands miserable blizzardy highways - be vedy vedy careful and a hapy santa season to all!

26 days left

I must limit my interwebbing or my lovely cruise wear will not be ready in time to be packed.

another d day

Two wills colliding before the first breath. She told me when I was 28 that she knew before I was born that it would be a struggle that she wasn't likely to win. At 31 I lost when she left me behind.

None of the bad stuff matters now.

I wasn't ready. I am still not ready. I've had 4 hours sleep since 6am Friday morning. I am heartsick and lonely and still lost. I am afraid to go to sleep because I wake up weeping. For most of the rest of the year I can tuck it away in a corner deluding myself that I am happy, that everything is okay/will be okay, yet my holiday season seems always to be haunted.

I can no longer hear her voice. I cannot build her image in my imagination. The aroma of doublemint or juicy fruit is missing. There is only this huge hole in my heart that refuses to heal and on days like today I don't think I want it to.

All the other deaths - I can deal.

My default is to hermitize so I push myself and bury myself in the business of the season, surrounding myself with those I love. I avoid being alone where I can, but the ache it still creeps in.

You would be so proud of the people that my kids are turning out to be and my grandkids miss you even though they never got a chance to meet you.

Wish you were here.

Happy bday Seeester

My 2 years yonger seester is 46 today, so anyone who sees Patty should sing either Patricia the stripper or the song about Cow-Patty and her moped named flame ... old old joke. Don't worry - she'll get it ;)

Love you.

far and away ...

Well arrggghhh!

And my my my - my internal rose coloured glasses don't get worn much any more though you can be sure I'll be taking them to Jamaica with me;) I found out yesterday that I'm allowed to take a single butane lighter with me which is all well and good because I am still terrible with matches.

Isn't it amazing that the lives we touch so long ago are still hearing tidbits even the the years have intervened? The crews I hang with on a regular basis these days are substantially different then when I was frantically recapturing my lost youth right after the 2nd divorce. I've been over that for quite some time now, and have decided to remain forever 8 years old with all the wonder in the world that entails.

Round tables. Hmmmm I have a penchant for round tables, You can see everyone you're with and I love watching the expressions dance across peoples faces as they recount one tale or another. Now where the round tables, Brewster's North, the Barley Mill, Sevens but that's not waaaay North and maybe BPs. That's alot of ground to cover. My spidey sense says maybe Brewster's.

I still believe that money is a useful tool, a means to an end but not the goal. I bought the condo because the apartment I was living in downtown in'03 was being condoized for some utterly outrageous amount of money, condo fees and taxes. I was looking for another downtown apartment with some history and couldn't find one, so I started looking at something to purchase not really sure I wanted to yet. And lo and behold, you get what you need. My condo is in a a heritage building - old world 1914 with 10 foot ceilings, maple hardwood and transom windows over the doors. 12 inch oak base boards and woodwork everywhere - big deep windows for plants a block and a half to Victoria Park or Wascana. I got it for a song compared to prices these days and it has an comfortable lived in fell. Gracious not pretentious. Warm welcoming yellows and ambers, the kitchen is fire engine red and the office a cool sage.

As for Lady dk - you;d be surprised how many people actually call me that. I'm not sure what triggers it - it seems to occur naturally somehow.

So dear anonymous, with the memory stirring I would appreciate it if you would drop me a note and put me out of my misery. The chase is fun but I have too much living to do and would way rather have a conversation ;)

My email address is in the left corner of the blog by my logo. I'll leave it up for a week.

ciao Dougal

So young, so sad. May you navigate the bardos quickly brother. I'll see you next time around. Not to worry - you'll hear my belly laugh and I'll see your smile.

Dear mother nature:

Would you please give over and give father nature a good roll. Something needs to warm your bottom. It's -33C right now and the HIGH I said HIGH for tomorrow is minus fucking 36 fucking Celsius which when you add the wind chill it'll be -50 C. That is about -33 Fahrenheit. Are you KIDDING ME??? Oh, but it will be sunny.

You know I don't really mind winter so long as it doesn't go below minus 20 too often, but this is simply inhumane. Even Jack fucking Frost is Frozen, no wonder why he's blue.

hands in pockets

can I ... did you know ... math games...gourmet eggnog ...why ... after supper can we ... do I HAVE TO WEAR MY JACKET... science ...can I make the salad ... why do they call it a butcher... which grocery store .. for christmas I want .. is deb home ... is she your doctor now... constellations and black holes ... skating ... smartest in math...digital billboards ... can we have ... triceratops steak ... propane safety ... refrigerated food dating ... netbook usage ...super farkle ... why peanut butter has no butter in the ingredients list ... sticky snow ... how can you get tv on a computer ... can I take out the garbage ... soft pillows ... telescope lenses as big as a car ... reading handwriting - 2 quarters=half-two halves=1, one pkg butter = 2 cups ... how to get warm water from a 2 tap sink ... can we go to the deck and see Smiling Joe ... email ... cookies ... plan breakfast menu ... do we get to do laundry ... red peppers are good for you ... stickers for 2 weeks ... matching dishes ... can I vacuum ... chess ... water dispensers ... the noises radiators make ... how to hang a jacket on a chair back ... avoid asking people to do things while THEY are in the bathroom. Questions, answers and puzzles never ending.

Touch the door, window, purse, glove box, kleenex, shelves, cans, bread, bananas, shelves, boxes, cans, cart, hands in pockets , my hand, cart, milk, magazine, cashier chain, gum, batteries, door, cart, keys, cans ... the fingers graze every surface he nears without any thought involved ;)

Heh heh heh - he makes me tired but i love it.

warmer than -15C

I will CAREFULLY go to my car and see if I can get some of last Saturday's belated running around done!

Tabby

Tabby sank into the springless sofa, feet up, glass in hand, the remains of the vino tucked behind the corner where it wouldn't get spilled. The winter deep freeze had settled in but she was tucked up all cozy with her ratty old throw and fuzzy slippers. Zoning. Some crapshoot flickering on the telly, listening to the thrum and scrunch of motorcars slithering to a stop at the intersection, unconsciously waiting for the bash of yet another accident. Fender benders all, no one seriously injured, just dripping antifreeze, and crushed fiberglass. Hardly earth shattering.

Struck by the rhythm from the tv, her focus shifts to yet another pathetic attempt at engaging her compassion and saving yet more children half a world away while she could not shut out the hungry weeping of the kids across the hall. Offer to help, invite them for tea, make a difference? Sure for a useless moment, and then make another neighbourhood enemy by stomping on what little pride Nan had left.

Cocooned in her tiny flat, she had a decent paying job that she didn't detest, her kids were grown and away, she was a standard white collar worker still living in the blue collar quarter. Talented, well spoken when she paid attention, and fairly well heeled, she was comfortable in her space, but not her skin.

Too often and for no visible reason tears would course the path down her jawline to be quickly swept away by unrecognizable hands stained with age yet attached to her own arms. Another sip of wine...

a curious challenge ;)

I am a project in evolution, and though fairly sedentary I'm also perpetually in motion. I have less than a dozen relationships that lasted over a decade, not including family or work, and if I'm still hanging around it's because I love you and you symbolize a question/quality/virtue/talent/skill that I have asked/want/strive for/intrigues me/want to develop.

It's that magical connection that ignites heartsong for 5 minutes or 50 years - it's there or it isn't. I have a big heart and there are alot of strings tugging on it. All by choice ;)

That said, there are also many individuals who have crossed my slightly kooky tangential path through this life, that I didn't get to know well enough, fast enough, who piqued my curiosity and motivated me to seek them out, but the adventure was somehow interrupted and I lost the thread.

Shiny things distract me - physically and psychically.

So here is a comment from an "anonymous" source from my past and I can hear the rhythm of the voice, the phraseology, and cannot coax that visual picture to come clear. And the clues left, hmmm. I haven't worked graveyards since the HD and that was before the condo so 2001/2002 or earlier, and my hair was pretty long then. I cut it really short in spring 2007, kept it short for a year and now it's back to long and curly. See, distracted.

As for tinted glasses - I have over 30 pairs of shades, reading glasses, etc tinted or otherwise so that's not very helpful, and I spend hours on the phone which is why I'm not surprised at where I work - it was kismet.

Lady, hmmm - there's only a handful of people that call me lady and use m'dear as a part of their regular vocabulary, and require that kind of privacy...

However, the pink/red lighter thing. There's a click/spark there. Damn ... out on the mists of the memory bog and the sometimer's monster just swept it away again.

So anonymous - you have captured my attention and I'm digging through the mire of a well abused mind.

Give a girl a break.

PS - my home number is the same.

Torpid Tuesday

Apparently laundry was too much for the injured limb and I over extended it yesterday resulting in a completely locked up hip knee stiffness that said nay nay to carrying me or doing the stairs.

On the light er side - do you think I should use this for my xmas card this year ;)

17 days to santa day

and it is one cold mother$%#@er out there. Minus 40C with the wind. I wonder if I should even ATTEMPT to start the car.

Got up this morning and my whole left side - hip sciatic and knee were a solid mass - no bendy bendy. Couldn't get a sock on my foot. Thank the 100 little gods I got the anti-inflammatories yesterday on the way home from work. Heat cold heat cold and hope it loosens up.

What really sucks is that it is near the end of the year and I have used my 12 allowed sick days for the year. So it's a no pay day for me unless my boss lets me work my DO Friday in exchange. Here's hoping.

And all the best of brain vibrations to almost doctor deb.

before bed

the weekend draws to a bittersweet close, cold and cloudy but the house is toasty warm. Deb is off to her defense and I've been awake since 4:30am. I did manage to fix the flapper chain mechanism on the toilet but care of my ongoing jugheaded jerry lewis gracelessness have not managed enough stairs to complete the daunting task of laundry. Well not really daunting - only one load - but stuff I need.

Nary a thing on my weekend list did I compleat, but to find and order that elusive gift for the bunny and get the baking goods for the dotter. MMMMM mini frozen buttertarts.

The queen of xmas for decades - there is not a bell or jingjingle, a stocking or gloogumble, not even a miserly sprig of mistletoe festooning the mantel. The 8 foot tree with the 350 decorations and 500 lights quietly slumber the sleep of the unwanted in cool darkness of the dungeon. Not a card has been purchased, nor ribbon curled.

Don't get me wrong - I love Santa probably more than the next guy, and most of the gifts have now been apprehended - I just seem to be imbued with this lassitude for life in general and the season in specific. NEVER been here before.

I tried watching christmas shows and listening to music - it just makes me weepy or sleepy. With less than 3 weeks to go I need to shake of the celebratory lethargy. Maybe it's just been a really long year.

Well I'm off to sugarplum land early day tomorrow but only a 4 day week thank all the 100 little gods.

cheers

gist number i dunnow

4: 47
4: 47
4: 47
4: 47
4: 47

ON A fRIDAY.

december the threeth

Happy birthday Vi (my first ex mother in law) I hope you have a wonderific day.

I am still wondering about being the eldest living woman on my dad's side of the family at 48.

Why is it that when I close my eyes I feel like I did when I was 28 but when I look in the mirror I can't figure out who the fuck is she?

We have misplaced my seeester Patty - anybody seen her? If you do tell her to phone her father.

I have finally delved my way through the mountains of paper on my desk and with prodigious effort have reduced it to a mole hill. Knock wood. A really big stack = like half a cord or so. Hopefully I can keep it there. Wish me luck.

Tomorrow or Saturday it will be back to Brown Sugar to renew the quickly fading glory of my summer tan so that I don't look like a Newfoundlander lobster after my first day in the islands. Ahhhh sun and hydration in the depths of winter, I think I will have to experience it to really really believe it. And Anarchy will be just a skip across the ocean in Cuba when I;m there.

I'm almost done the christmas shopping except for those gifts that I want to pick up in Jamaica. I think there are only 3 left on the list.

I have pretty much given up on christmas baking but my dotter she's a damn fine cook, so we're off to the ingredient store tomorrow and soon her house will be filled with such aromas you'll be drooling before you get three steps in the door. And she makes me these teensy little butter tarts so I may still enjoy a soupcon of one of my favorite flavours.

And Deb my flat mate is off to Montreal this weekend to prepare for her PhD defense on Wednesday. She is such a masterful speaker, eloquent and precise - she'll knock them dead. I believe!

dear Santa:

For the most part (conditional)I have been a very good girl this year (opinion).
I have taken better care of myself (though it could have been better) and spent more quality time with my family (than I did last year but not a decade ago).

I have gotten over several long held resentments (though I do itch occasionally to take them back) and made some new friends (okay 3 friemds and a double handful of acquaintances).

I have not been a tart, nor have I over indulged in red wine.

I have tried to shut up and listen (which if I may say is almost as hard as eating moderately).
I have managed (just) to make solid plans to take a well deserved vacation (47 days Jamaica) with a whack of good friends (crazy sunstarved flatland mofos).

I have not kicked any small people or tortured any animals. Nor have I launched anywhere NEAR the number of verbal rejoinders that I could have.

And on that note Santa, it would be great if you would bring me ... a gift certificate for less drama.

Thank you.

december the oneth

It's here, and with a perfect intro. The snow started to fall about 7pm, just lightly drifting and within an hour became big fat wind tossed but not driven flakes that melted on the front windshield and piled up on the rear. I found myself out driving the boy and his girl for groceries - sockless and in sandals - of course, so I decided to wait in the car. I read some of my book - had a smoke, sorted through the glove box and for once didn't find anything interesting that I had forgotten about. Had a bit of a doze and started the windshield wipers every 5 minutes or so.

By the time I realized nature's call the snow was at least ankle deep in the parking lot and the kids were back to load up the trunk. It would have to wait. So we got everything into the car and began the adventure of driving on the first really slushy/icy/snowy evening of the winter.

It took 8 taps of the brakes to stop when going about 20k. There were 3 cars on sidewalks, kissing a lightpost, and up on a lawn before I got 3 blocks.

Grandma drive time. Man people should know that come the end of October, toss some sand bags in the back of the 4X4, 1/2 ton, SUV - or something. I haven't seen that many tires spinning for nothing or backends sliding sideways when the light turns green for quite some time. I just stay 5 or 6 car lengths behind them and if the dude behind me wants to go faster than 40 k to freaking bad.

Got the kids safely back to their place, and almost got picked off four times n the way to mine - only about 10 blocks - and that included a city bus. That one gave me the shivers and a little shortness of breath - he was waaay bigger than me - thank you defensive driving courses.

Got the car parked at home and made some chickeny noodle soup and watched the snow fall. All the poofy stuck to the side of the tree kind of snow. This morning it's barely below zero, tree branches are bowed with their burdens and the whole world looks pristine and sparkly. Taking a cab to work cause I don't want to go and visit SGI any time soon ;)

I'm thinking my lawn needs some snow angels.

SNOW DAY!!!!!