alone . . .

the onset of spring stirs the blood, the anima rises, especially if you’ve survived yet another hibernation through a northern winter – mayhap that is causing my mental regurgitation of the “could of, should of, would ofs”. i am alone but not lonely, though some people tell me that I am just kidding myself. i believe they are wrong. when i need company i visit with friends (i consider myself very lucky to have a double handful), i go out and be with crowds of strangers (it's great and i make new friends) or i have people over to my place. sure there is the occasional urge for a twosome, but not for an everyday permanent presence, been there, done that, bought the t-shirt (and it was fairly expensive – rated as haute couture).

from the 16 to almost 46 - i have lived alone exactly 5 months. and i liked it. alot. right now i have a housemate (son) , but he is looking to move in the next 6 months or so i think, and that's ok.

observing the swirl of human partnerships around me, i wonder why i choose to remain outside. i have a few friends who seem to have made the same choice i have (or was the choice made for us by experience?) there are short spans where i might want to be part of a couple again but they pass fairly quickly… like a hangover. i used to believe that we were designed to be in pairs. now – not so much. individuals are meant to be individuals, though some are driven pushed pulled towards partnership for a plethora of reasons : love desire fear security tradition habit, just to name the basics. i think we all have to understand that partner relationship which can only be done through experience, but it is not forever for most.

sifting through the detritus, ghosts of “what once was” rise from the misshapen lumps of half-forgotten remnants littering my emotional landscape. 2 marriages, 2 kids, 2 grandkids, and a couple of finite engagements, lost & refound friends, school, work, career … it took me until I was 42 to have a partnership that ended with my heart bruised yet my dignity intact, but it still ended. maybe now that i have figured out how to do that, i no longer need to practice.

love can be blind but doesn’t have to be. i know it’s not the peter principle that holds me back. i’m not afraid of commitment and i don’t need someone else to provide my security. i’ve transcended my habit of choosing “bad boys” or people who “need” me. as for tradition – fuck it. perhaps I have simply lost the desire to share my whole life with that one “other” – and selfish as that may seem, that is not necessarily a bad thing.

so for those out there who keep asking why am i alone? maybe it’s because you’re ready.