too busy . . .

still alive - scramblin' to keep up at work, not getting my projects done. c-r-r-r-a-a-zy ! starting to cough again - nasty crap this is. ran into some friends I haven't seen in a bit - singing - well not really but I almost feel like it.

I got home today and my cat was locked in the hall closet. not sure exactly how long he was in there but the boy goes to work around 2 and I got home after 8. and no mess. took me awhile to find him though - I could hear this pitiful meowing and never even considered the closet. I mean the cat is 3 so that's like 21 at least - you would think he'd know better. sure was happy to see me though - heh heh heh. poor angus bodhi cat. a big hug, some food and a treat and it's like it never even happened.

I miss my grandkids today - not sure why.

gotta go to sleep now - later gator

adventures with mascara ...

I don't normally wear makeup. I used to wear it all the time - so bad for your skin unleass you have the time for all of cleasing regimens etc. now it's moisturizer, occasional coverup, and off I go.

so thursday last I decided what the hell, let's get all made up for a change. so I picked up my mascara, untwisted the cap and .... eerrgghh! it's stuck! twist turn pull, even tried pliers but no, the freaking brush appears to have become one with the container. my last attempt broke the brush right off ... still in the container.

so now it's personal. simple solution: off to shopper's I go to get some new mascara. did you know that there are almost a hundred different kinds of mascara? not to be daunted and not wanting to waste any time I asked for assistance. "What type of mascara do you want?" she asked. c'mon it's mascara! it's all pretty much the same. ok, so I want black waterproof that doesn't make my eyelashes stick together if I pass out without washing it off and doesn't require special removal products. I really didn't think it was that difficault a request. so she comes back with no less than 15 kinds of mascara! defining, curly, thickening, lengthening, lift and separate (sound more like a bra)12 hour, 24 hour, non smudge, non tear, strengthening, protein enriched, blue black, very black, smokey black and black (most by different manufacturers).

we then launch into a half hour discussion on the merits of these products, leaving me at my wits end as to which one to choose. apparently real waterproof means you need product to remove it, most of the non tear and smudgeless ones do as well - but of course there are a few exceptions. So I chose the black smudgefree nonclumping easy-removal mascara and went on my way, thinking what the hell am I going to do when I need new foundation (mine wasn't on the shelves anymore and there are so MANY more kinds of foundation). by this time I dropped my purchase at home and went out face au natural.

so Friday comes along and not being one to give up easily (I call it persistent, others say stubborn), to renew my relationship with makeup. I pull out my newly purchased mascara and begin the application process. not too bad. I only stuck myself in the eye once (hard to do when you need glasses to see up close)and when I creied it didn't smadge - cool. mascara applied, I realize it has made some of my eyelashes stick together - so I spend 15 minutes separating my lashes. much better - but it seems a bit much to me. what do I know I haven't been doing this for awhile. finish the face and off I go.

now when you don't normally wear makeup, the menagarie of reactions the change elicits from your buddies can make a woman paranoid. most common: "You never wear makeup!" and "How come you're all dressed up?" are to be expected. then come the other comments: "How was the CURE concert?" damn has the mascara smudged?, but it did make me laugh "You look so pretty" - good one but the intonation it makes me wonder, am I ugly without it. "Wow, what a difference!" - good or bad? "Who are you all dolled up for?" can't a body get girlified just because she wants to? and the list goes on ...

I tried to wash the damn shit off when I got home and guess what, you got it! It does not remove easily with water so I went to bed. ... and now it's morning and I truly do look like I went to a Cure concert or joined the racoon family. thank the hundred little gods I still had some removal crap in the old make up bag.

this is just too bloody complicated, I think I'll stick to makeup for special occasions only.

friends ...

have you ever sat down and figured out how many friends you have? I mean real friends - not just acquaintances - the friends who like you no matter what stupid thing you did in public last night... your personal floatation device when you're drowning and your anchor you when you're flying. Friends tell you when you are stepping over the line, and defend you even when you do. They are the people that make you grin from the inside when you see them! They give you that warm fuzzy "I belong" feeling when they give you that hug with the extra squeeze. Good times or bad - they genuinely care for you. Well if you have 1, that's more than most people these days, count yourself lucky.

I thank the hundred little gods everyday for my friends. I am fortunate to have more friends than I can count on my fingers and toes, which to me seems quite extraordinary. They are my "happiness club". I'll be blue and not really know why when I run into one of them and the whole world gets a little brighter. realization dawns ... I was missing my heart friends.

remember though, that friendship is a two way street, a social contract. If they're there for you, turnabout is expected. You don't have friends if you can't be one.

Life pushes and pulls at us, inexorable as oceanic tides. So easy to lose sight of sanity's shore. Tie a knot in the anchor-line and hang on, call your friends (what a thought)they'll be there to drag your sorry ass back into the shallows.

hump day . . .

WOO HOO!and tuesday will be my good news day ...

some day he'll come along, and there he was
his hair all short and long, some facial fuzz
a guinness sweet was in his hand,
Frosty's in from... E...ste....van....

HAH HAH! sometimes I kill me. Does anyone know what tune is running through my head today?

needless to say it was a happy Ohanlon's evening with my buddy in for a visit, and of course with the Law of Attraction quietly at work behind the scenes, he introduces me to a friend of his ... who I had met 3 years ago and hadn't seen since! and she welds - which is a bonus for me because I need to make a backsplash so I can install my new stainless steel, bowl and a half, built in drainboard sink. it's sooo pretty and I am heartily sick of it sitting staring at me in my bedroom.

as usual, a variety of the homely crew gathered for a libation or two. the genius was flowing and conversation was enthusiastic to say the least. ah! what a great end to a good day.

today is hump day and my boss' last day before her vacation so we are working hard at getting as much completed before she goes, so I won't drown while she's gone :)
everything appears to be in order, various plans are going apace, and I am even caught up on my email. (did I tell you how much I love my job? no! well I am one of the lucky few who actually enjoys what I send a third of my life doing)

so tonight it's off home to do some cleaning and make roasted beasted for me and the boyo.

only you can do it . . .

Are you living healthy? I wasn't. I am the only one that can change it. No more excuses, do it.

I have been making a concerted effort to live better since mid September. no fads, no trends, just making smarter choices for what runs the machine. the goal is to lose weight, lower the cholesterol, get the blood sugar under control and detoxifying the bod. at the beginning I made 2 lists - good for me and bad for me. fairly rudimentary - they looked something like this:

Good: water, fresh fruits & vegetables esp. those with intense colour, fibre, omega oils, low-no fat dairy, lean meat, fish, whole grain foods, legumes, natural sugars only, exercise, regular schedule and enough sleep

Bad: the whites - sugar, flour, salt, etc. cholesterol, fats, gravy, cigarettes, alcohol, couch or computer potatohood.

Hold on there nelly - back the truck up - this is no cake walk .... mmmm cake ... I mean it took a lot of work to figure out how to still eat while avoiding the wrong stuff. I was having so many problems reading the itsy bitsy teeny weeny fonts on the labels I went to the optometrist - well glory be - I needed glasses too. I was starting to feel like the walls of Jericho and it's all coming tumbling down.

so in the last 4 months I have lost 35-40 pounds (depends on the day), I have lowered my cholesterol levels by almost 5%, I'm only smoking a pack every 2 weeks or so, and I miss my buds at OHee's (though I do pop in every few weeks for a couple of pints). my blood sugar stays within the normal range ( I was diagnosed diabetic in September which is what started all of this), I walk a lot, and I have been doing stretches with my yoga ball. I look markedly more healthy - though I have had a couple of bouts with bronchitis which I can't seem to shake.

today I went to pick up groceries with my by-now edited grocery list. I have already figured out that "Lite" could mean reduced sugar or calories OR it could be reduced fats OR it could be reduced taste. I also know that if they reduce the sugar, they generally increase the fats and/or salt - so exactly what does that solve? I have replaced eggs with egg-beaters, the dairy is all 1% or less and I actually LIKE yogurt now - especially the activia vanilla with raspberries. rice, pasta, bread and flour are all brown now(whole grain or flax), cereal is Fibre1 or oatmeal. splenda is my sweetener of choice. I have also added mung beans and the occasional bit of feta cheese or avocado to the menu (though I still find zuchinni and eggplant just nasty).

Then comes the quandary: butter or margarine? Pam works for cooking but what about those moments when you just HAVE TO HAVE a sandwich? Butter is better for you than the regular run-of-the-mill margarine however, I need to reduce the amount of fat I'm intaking. well at first I was using "I can't believe it's not butter", and then they came out with an even "lighter" version with less calories, tried it but the taste just wasn't right(my son's comment: I'm not eating that crap.) today while shopping I noticed Becel now has 5, maybe 6 different kinds of oleo spread available, including one made with olive oil. so I chose the "RSF" version, it has reduced fats, calories and salt - and I am happy to say that it tastes okay on bran muffins. so for now we'll use that.

Next on the list of question marks was which salad dressing to use. Mayo has no carbs, but lots of fat. Miracle Whip (my fave forever) has a few carbs, a little sugar and less fat than mayo. Miracle Whip Lite has 40 % less fat than regular Miracle Whip but WAY more salt and some extra sugar. Best for me regular Miracle Whip - tastes best and is really no worse than the purported "Lite" version. Then we have the plethora of flavoured salad dressings which come in so many versions it's just stupid. So I choose the fat free/calorie reduced versions that have the least sugar and salt. Seems to be working.

Strange how it's the little things that we sweat over. If my biggest worries are which oleo or salad dressing to use - I had better be bloody thankful for my life.

I am.

ignorance is NOT bliss...

I am so utterly finished with the presumption, to say nothing of the generally deplorable manners of the blissfully ignorant. So listen up ye kings of instant gratification and queens of "get someone else to do it", I have a few things I need to say.

I will teach those who ask for assistance if I have the time and they are willing to learn. I have spent uncounted hours providing computer support for the technologically challenged, and seen them grow their own skills. I AM QUITE CONTENT TO HELP THOSE PEOPLE WHENEVER THEY NEED IT. That is FRIENDSHIP. But I have had a bellyful of those selfish, snivelling, whiny, kiss ass layabouts who don't really want help - but only want someone to do it FOR THEM.

I have more productive things to do - like practice snoring. just because I know how - does not mean I am willing. a computer is just another tool. you don't drive a car unless you know how it works and have a license. you can't bake a freaking cake unless you have the recipe and know how to use the stove/oven/microwave/EASYBAKE OVEN. you sure as hell can't build a stable deck without a plan and knowledge of the tools required. so if you want to use a computer - learn how the computer works. enough with the bullshit excuses - I'm too old/young/dumb/uneducated/inexperienced, I'm afraid, I feel stupid. I can't. the list goes on forever.

just learn the basics like how to shut off the picture thingy (monitor) when the loud box (CPU or tower) goes quiet, or how to recognize that the computer isn't broken, you just haven't turned on the monitor. how to copy and paste and how to find the help files, how to handle maintenance routines like clearing caches and temp files, virus and spyware scanning. understand WHY you need those email settings. your brain will not blow up.for the sake of the hundred little gods BACKUP IMPORTANT FILES & PICS ONTO ANOTHER MEDIUM BESIDES THE FREAKING HARD DRIVE!!! a portable hard drive can be picked up for $100 or less these days. learn the terminology.

STOP TELLING ME I HAVE TO FORGIVE YOU FOR BEING COMPUTER ILLITERATE. I DO NOT! STOP PHONING ME ON THE WEEKEND FOR LITTLE PROBLEMS UNLESS YOU INTEND TO PAY ME.

if y'all are too lazy to help yourselves then consider yourself ignorance squared. too stupid to learn and too dumb to care.

apparently I am starting to feel a little more normal today.

... solla salloo sunday

so I decided that since I was feeling a little better, I would start the updating of the family website. HAH! I haven't touched it since Dec 2005 and at this rate I won't be done till 2008.

I created some of the menu bars with this nifty software utility. Is it installed on my laptop now? no. so I installed the %#@!^&# software. downloaded the pages from my host & the program doesn't recognize them. fine. update the software. still no go. good thing I taught myself html and css. damn! the program uses javascript for the nav menus. this is going to take longer than I thought. this is work. but now it's driving me crazy. well I needed something to occupy me besides housework while I convalesce. be careful what you ask for.

. . . a frosty friday

i bet only Frodo at the top of Mount Doom or maybe the crew from Happy Feet could appreciate the temperatures we've had the last couple days. -33 degrees Celsius - before the wind. weather network says it feels like -42 with the wind chill. I'll take their word for it! almost makes me grateful for being bronchial and not having to go out in it - almost. at least this morning the hack is only coming from the diaphragm and not the toes. I'll take any progress I can get.

i heard a phrase the other day that almost made me hurl, not because it was neccesarily nasty, but because it was so graphically specific to what is wrong with me. are you ready? "lung butter" thank you sister Patty. I told my daughter and she started to gag ... but it was just so appropriate to the conversation at the time. any time you can elicit an immediate physical response from two such innocuous words, that's great usage.

on a completely different topic, how many of you out there have inherited china patterns from moms, grandmas etc? I don't know if this means anything to people any longer. we had a fair large family and family celebrations meant dressing up and using the good china - there are SO many memories that can be dredged up just by seeing the pattern. entire mini videos run in my head. maybe it's just me?

I have a small selection of Royal Albert Petit Point serving pieces that survived a crash of the china box at my mom's some 15-20 years ago. it used to be an entire set with 8-12 place settings. so if anyone knows someone who wants to be relieved of the breakables, please let me know. I'd like to rebuild it to a 6 place setting service. the pattern was discontinued in 1997 so I'll have to hunt them up somehow.

back to bed I go, nice comfy feather bed, maybe I can sleep myself better.

later gator...

it's tuesday. winter's back. I detest the doctor's office. I'm sure I pick up more germs than i have cured. yech!

oh the games people play ....

another song for late saturday evening... I squeaked past my girlfriend Luanne at cribbage ~ by one crib hand this aft. I won at scrabble junior with my 5 & 6 year old grandkids by 1 word AND I won at dino excavation too. and then I kicked Chris's butt at Deal Or No Deal. no deal baby! says the daughter of a banker. I managed to make enough to pay off all my debts, my mortgage, completely redo my kitchen, bathroom AND the wiring - and still have $50,000 to go a travellin' val de ree... val de rah ... a knapsack on my back. (but my lottery ticket was a dud)

sunday morning tea party with chai and butter tarts. 2 games of junior monopoly with the grands where they promptly put me into bankruptcy (so much for the career in real estate) and then for SUPER Scrabble with the big kids whereupon my ego got some surcease from the earlier double loss to the teeny twosome. it's been a good day.

then home again and I have already done all my chores ... think I'll go to bed early, too much excitement for me :)

sweet dreams

... the friday file

frank zappa ~ (if you don't know who frank zappa is please take remedial steps to correct this by listening to an album entitled Sheik Yerbouti or at the very least google him - he was a most excellent musician/writer/lyricist/conductor/funny funny man) ~ had a song called the "dangerous kitchen" and it was going through my head as I awoke this morning. and then I walked into my kitchen and thought "Damn but I wish I had some freaking cupboards."

ah yes - you don't know about the money pit. I bought a condo 4 years ago. don't get me wrong - I love my house, my neighbours are great, I will live there till I can no longer haul my ass up 2 flights of stairs. HOWEVER, as my first home purchase I was perhaps a tad naive in thinking that my best laid plans would go ahead on schedule. it is in a heritage building - built in 1914 almost 1000 sq ft of maple floors and 10 ft ceilings and oak door frames, transom windows, and an original coal fireplace. The plan was to pull the conglomerate kitchen cupboards from circa 1914, 1950 and 1970ish out and install some beautiful custom cabinetry - with punched tin insets (done by me) .

ok, so I pulled out all the cupboards except the base for the sink. I painted the kitchen - well my friend Nathan did most of the work, I assisted. my beautiful shiny new stainless steel appliances glow against the arterial blood red walls, and my stainless steel IKEA shelving looks just fabulous. Then we had to replace the roof of the Condo - yes really - the whole fucking roof - and there went my reno budget plus+ for the next several years. new condo associations don't have prolific reserve funds.

I had already purchased the new sink - 1 1/2 bowls with the drainboard built in, it's sitting in my bedroom closet. I had the new taps I purchase in 2004 installed last fall - so at least I can get hot/cold/warm water from one spigot. The remaining IKEA shelving is in the store room. I have 2 - 4'x6'x12" steel shelves stacked one on the other, that I use for storage against one wall. There are 10-12 boxes of china, crystal, dishes and glassware still packed in boxes as I have nowhere to put it, and every time I do laundry and pass by the storage room it cries out to me.
but we do have a nice roof.

I want my kitchen done. I don't want there to be a gaping hole where the taps are because we had to take the original backsplash off to find out what kind of plumbing there was for the taps. I want my shiny new sink with drainboard. I want the extra counter space I planned for. I want to retile the floor so that the ghosts of renters past don't stare up at me when i survey the room. I want ready access to all those things that make cooking and entertaining such a joy. I am tired of seeing all the dishes and dry and canned goods sitting on those ugly steel shelves.

yeah I know - wah! boo hoo! my mistakes ... I should be thankful for what I have and so on. but I still want a real kitchen ...

last night I dreamt I died ...

... I had gone to sleep and never woke up. I had so much yet to say to those I loved. there was no pain, fear or anxiety, just a strange floaty feeling tinged with regret and a feeling of release, of movement through the bardos, and then I woke up.

once awake I was unable to regain dreamland but lay there ruminating on those regrets. what words of wisdom have I gathered in 45 years of living on the planet?

Love with your whole heart, wounds heal. Laugh - every day! Smile - it's contagious. Value yourself. Never LIVE in the past, but feel free to visit it once in awhile to remind yourself of lessons learned but always step forward into your future. "improvise and overcome" dk

Amanda you will always be my sweet baby - no matter how old you get. Murray be strong and be GOOD to yourself, you are always loved. Devi & Seth, I will love you bigger than the universes forever and ever ...

These are some of the words that I attempt to live by:

"Compassion is not enough, one must act." Dalai Lama
"Elegance is simplicity." CoCo Channel
"Great spirits always encounter violent opposition from mediocre minds." and
"I want to know God's thoughts, the rest is details." Einstein
"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." (unless you're twisted)

humpday ...

is not what it seems. it is not the day that you had set aside for that romantic interlude. it is not the day you get to ride the camel to work. it is not the day you get to ride in the middle of the truck's benchseat. and it is not the day you meet Quasimoto.

humpday is that dead spot in the middle of the week between after the weekend and before the weekend. it is the day apparently without end.
it is the day that no matter how fast you go you still get nothing accomplished. it is the day that no matter what temperature it is outside, it is too damn hot and stuffy in the office. it is the day you almost fall asleep at your desk with your hands on the keyboard and the beeeeeeep of the repeating key wakes you up to several pages of reiterating zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz's .I never really empathized with the whole idea until today.

today - I just want to take a long winter's nap ... perhaps the fullmoon that blessed the fun & frivolity yestereve at OHee's should be thanked, but I is one tired puppy today. thus a more intimate understanding of hump day.

... sometimes

... I really surprise myself. I work diligently at being orgasnized, and this morning it paid off. first day of work in the new year - I'm early, my office is tidy, the holiday decorations were pur away last Thursday, my new 2007 calendar is resting on the desk, waiting to be put up on the wall. my timesheet for this week is ready and waiting to be sent. it's good to be the queen!

... I wish to be alone. usually I am surrounded by the buzz, people, phones, computers, animals, children, grown up children and happy to be in the middle of the melee. today the quiet of my office soothes nerves jangled through the holidays.

it's wednesday now - so much for quiet :)

... I wonder what moron ever thought (very loosely used) to create such a %^@$!# program as filemaker pro, and not include anything - nevermind anything USEFUL, in the help files.

... I'm just tired and just want to give up on all the crap I have been directed to do to keep myself hapyy. fibre pfftt! yogurt pfffttt! legumes double - pfffft! what I wouldn't give for my death by chocolate cheesecake - and I do mean the whole cake - not some sniveling little chunk of chocolate.

... I think I whine too much, bye.

. . . zippity doo dah day !

roll over and bathe in the wash of sunshine over buddha gold walls, warm happy safe. the blanket cave too inviitng to leave.
and quiet, rare on my street. sirens, tractors, alarms ... on holiday too.

cat stretch, toes pop out of blankets, fingers tingling ... mmm coffee's made.

rituals of reawakening ... there it is, I'm happy ...it's a zippity doo dah day.

no rush, not today. start the year the way I wish it to continue. joyous.

and for anyone who stops by today - may your year bear many moments of joy.

no worries