4 days off and it's -35 ... hurry up spring

It is too cold to trudge over to Bitten - only 7 blocks away to go to my belated staff christmas party. I have wasted many hours now trying to reinstall my Sims game with no success though I did make it work on my daughter's PC. I had to uninstall it when the boys got a virus on my laptop. I had it working, the I broke it with the add ons. Damn.

But the plumber is coming tomorrow to install my new kitchen taps, since I broke the hot tap off in my hand on Christmas day - only 2 years old and I had them custom ordered. Not happy Home Depot. Hopefully I'll have a visit with my son, a quick tan, then birthday cake with not-so-crazy Patty's crew and pints with Clinton if he's around and about.

Saturday an early visit to PJ's, maybe tea with Saviabella, and a casual evening over at Dixie Chick's.

I started a different blog ... wickedocity ... it is not politically correct. Consider yourself warned should you venture there.

hmmm ... humpday

It is actually winter out today, it was -27 this morning yet now when I gaze out the 12th story window, sunlight almost blinds me with its radiance, though there is little heat partnered with it. The weather has ben just freakin' wonky the last few weeks, but that really isn't a strangeness, it just hasn't been February for a year. Saturday it was so nice out I didn't have to wear socks for Scrabble with Team Mensa!

Today I'm tired - I think I am sleeping with my eyes open - but how do you tell - when you are asleep. All I know is that since before Christmas, everymorning when I wake up there is a .5cm section of BOTH my eyeballs that is bloodshot. It's as if my eyes aren't quite closed - so if I open them all the way, the rest of the eyeball is normall whiteness... I have tried to catch myself just as I wake up but that's not working. And now I've noticed that I believe I can see things even when my eyes are completely closed, like looking through tissue paper. Perhaps I am developing super menopausal powers, that would be kind of cool, or at least a bit of a trade off.

I find that I am completely unable to become enthused over other people's new pets. That sucks. I have been a friend to cats everywhere my whole life, and had some fun with dogs (though they still see a bit stupid to me - even the smart ones) but now that I have become allergic to them, the instantaeous cmraderie I used to feel when meeting a new feline friend has fizzled to almost nothing. Waaaah! As for the dogs - sure puppies are cute, until they pee on you, or the rug, or the cat. Mostly they're like mewling puking newborns... hmmmm perhaps some pent up angst there?

I like kids once they are around two and a half. Out of diapers and talking. THEN they're fun!

stock taking

No it is not a new and improved version of Stock Ticker, nor it is an inventory for a retail outlet, or a really good deal in the market. It's what I need to do to help get myself out of the doldrums.

First, what's getting me down? Winter, other people going on faraway vacations to sunny beaches, the infernal saskatchewan dust - in the winter with all the windows closed (well except mine in my bedroom), being obese, my knee going wonky on and off, never finding exactly what it is I want to do, barely anything amusing on TV, not being able to find a carwash that is either working or doesn't have a line up a block long, chin hair, smoking, not doing what I now I should do for my own health and peace of mind, my dad getting sick again, other people that I love having crappy things happen to them, not finding my best tweezers, having to do my taxes.

Hmmmm... oh my life is SOOOOOOO hard. Sometimes I really have to wonder at myself. I think I'm having a hard time being grateful for the good time I'm living. What a whiny bitch I have become.

On the otherside of down, what keeps me up? Lots of truly great friends, a relatively stable family (it's all in the perspective), a good job doing work that I like with great people, I have lost over 30 pounds since January but I'm not sure where from, stand up tanning booths (my cure for light deprivation - just wish I'd done it sooner), a lovely little set of wheels that has given me some serious mobile freedom, my iPod, knock wood - no virii on my PCs, happy grandkids, Sat Scrabble with Team Mensa, aquacize when I don't talk myself out of it, a sugaring for leg hair removal.

Okay, I have to go cogitate on this a bit. cheers.

almost thursday

It's been a long week for such a short one. Hope to catch up a bit tomorrow. Slacked off and didn't go to aquacize with Abigail today. I'm going to try sugaring my legs on Friday - we'll just see how that goes. I am NOT fond of waxing, so I take the old fashioned rote and shave. But I'm tired and really haven't done much to day so g'nite.

Friday the 13th - WOO HOO!

Hey little sister what have you done.....

This week's list is so long I'll skip it to say that by 9:30 this am, I am caught up at work. My sister's valentine dilemma is solved, her Ipod is now working and she has memorized the basics on how to manage her tunes. My laundry is thawed AND dry. I've not eaten anything after 8pm all week.

Yesterday as my valentine's treat for myself (one advantage of singletonism is actually getting what you want), I signed up for some fake and bake as a cure for systemic lightlessness - great place actually, called Brown Sugar on Dewdney, couple of bonzer standups and this new hitech better faster machine ... great space, nice vibe, candles on the floor and an aromatherapist and masseuse on premise. Check it out ;)

And work - my ongoing nemesitical partner - is GREAT today. Projects wrapped, Newsletter off to publisher, and correspondence up to date and maybe a teensy weensy bit ahead. Cleared the in/out trays, did the weekly shredding (which hasn't been done since before christmas) and cleaned my desk. Rewrote my contact lists and will clean out the email before end of day.

And Seth my 7 almost 8 grandson is coming for a sleepover tonight. We'll have to figure something out for supper, then he'll want to do the recycling - he loves to wander in the basement hallways of my condo building. The building will be a hundred in 2014 so the basement is all warren-y. Most likely we'll play frustration, have a game of chess and watch a movie. Tomorrow we're off to Miss PJs bright and early to lend a hand fixing a door and do some vacuuming and maybe a bit of a tinker on the PC.

After Seth goes home I have 3 days off (except for some household chores I need to get done) . Saturday afternoon is Scrabble with the ladies at ye old pub, and I still have no idea what I will be taking to potlach at anarchy's later on the heart day!

empty headed

the voices left

Is it Friday yet?

By the hundred little gods - I need six uninterupted hours of sleep - at night. No hot flashes today - yeaHHHHH! The caribou I had for supper was mmm-mmmm-goood. Fade ms. moon fade.

selective hearing

I wish I had it. It took me alot of effort to try and eradicate the skills learned in teenland, and now I find myself wishing I had them back. I wouldn't have to recognize the pain in peoples voices. I could blithely walk away from those auditory appeals that follow tone and timbre not words. It would be so much easier to delude myself. Sometimes delusion is good.

sleepless

My life is pretty good.
The lives of those closest to me are not.
I've done all I can.
It's not enough.
I can not stand to watch that kind of pain and not feel the need to fix it.
The nightmares won't stop.
I know that it's subconscious guilt.
Doesn't make one iota of difference.
I'm always crying inside.
The voices are making me crazy.

sunday doldrums

The bday party was great on Friday, Kev was happy, a rousing game of LOTR Monopoly was played (it even has the one ring) where Jaime the slum-mistress was kicking ass and taking properties. it was potlach so I made this tasty shepherd's pie my way: bison brie bison havarti onions celery garlic and herbed smashed potatoes with Monterrey jack and mozza on top. It was gone lickety split - Yeah!

Saturday was spent with at the Winter Caleigh - playing Scrabble, quaffing a few pints with a few dozen friends old and new. D&J made it down with Dalindy and dragged in a couple of WOW friends from Ontario - another DK no less and he was hilarious! We toasted the Brennan's bday in absentia - the dancing king is still in Oz.

And now after a great night's sleep I am fired up and ready to attack the household horrors. Unfortunately I have now made three fruitless trips down to the communal laundry and have yet to get a load in. My enthusiasm quickly wanes. I still need to vacuum, clean the biffy, and hopefully make a dent on the crap I need to clean sweep from my room so I can lay out the pattern pieces for the sewing project. As the day creeps forward I don't appear to be getting anywhere fast. Ah me....

So I shall make another trip to the bowels of the condo and see yet again if there is a washer open - and I will remember to take the recyclables this time ...

bitters

After work, which was better yesterday because I seem to at least have gotten a small handle on my desk, I was on my way to aquacize, my concerted effort to get healthier with Abigail twice a week. I had already missed Monday and found myself really looking forward to the pool and the hottub and sauna afterwards. Anyway - the Dakar and I were stopped at a stop sign on 15th, which still has some nasty partial rut ridges impeding steering control, when Dakar and I were not so gently nudged forward by another vehicle that did not stop quite - in - time.

AAARRGGHHHH! Not my Dakar... panic mode! But there she was, all in one peice, a little dirt scuffed off the bumper - all gouda. And the other car was fine too. But the driver - the one who hit me, not so good. Granted she had what looked like an expensive shiny car, but it was her front rubber bumper that pushed my plastic one and you couldn't even tell that she had smudged the dirt off hers - digression - but she was fussing and fideting and whatisissing ...

I was fine - no damage and I wanted to get going. I went to get the DL and Reg just for records sake and sop the woman's fears when I realized that they were in my back pack at home because I don't take anything of value with me to the pool. Not Good. So there I am searching my car that I keep too clean for a busines card with my info, and the pretty princess skirt for my bathing suit is waving in the wind out the bottom of my jacket because I put it on at home to save time once I get to the pool. Lovely.

After 45 minutes of trying to mollify the tizzy old woman, I gave her my number and left. Funny how I automatically drove to my dotter's (too late for class now) and collected some grandhugs. Then I had to apologize to Deb and Abigail because it never even entered my mind to let them know I was okay. Shame on me.

So this morning I'm a little stiff - but no stiffer than the day after aquacize or a day of Wii games. Mr. IBProfen and I know how to conquer that.

I guess I'm just bitter about the complete waste of time that women sucked out of my life.

dear sucks to be you

"I don't know what to do." - stop whining and figure out what you need to do, AND DO IT!!!

"Why does this always happen to me?" - you invite it by refusing to break out of your cycle of loserdom.

"Why can't I get a break?" - you didn't earn it yet you lazy ass

"I never get to do anything?" - maybe if you smiled once in a while you'd get invited

" but she... but he... but they..." - shut the hell up & take responsibility for your own shite.

In the end it's both what you do and what you do not do that shapes your life.

Choose.

hmmm, I seem a bit cynical today.

dear no life codgers

Please go whine and complain elsewhere. I am quite fed up with your idiosyncratic poor me stories based upon little or no fact, and without a genourous dollop of imagination.

Your negativity is curdling my mornings, and moulding my afternoons.

Happily February is a short month, and once the winter doldrums start to take themselves off, I have hopes that the general tone will improve.

Really, get a Wii, go to Arizona, take a few miles cross country on the sled - but get a life.

ground hog day

surprise

6 more weeks of winter

it's fuckin' Monday, go back to bed.

what did I do?

I must have done something ... more than the usual, but I'm not sure what. When I ask, I get hmmm .... no real answer, but I'm certainly being cut out. No more certain way to drive me over the bend. Being the blunt and forward person that I am, I try and deal with a problem right there. Then it can be resolved - or not - but at least there can be some understanding. I thought I was conforming but I guess not. Chock it up to experience I guess.

the solitude of strength

A Leonard Cohen tune that seems to reverb through my brain today.

I grew up with "be strong", "if you want a job done right do it yourself", "work for it", "family first".

It can be a very lonely place.

...so a few hours later I look at the above^ and wonder which personality felt the need to express itself through my most normal mode of expression. It must be one of the repressed ones because I occasionally have to self edit. A few particular uninvited visitors from the -ugh!- real world.)
I got into the yoga pants (read stretchy and seamless but cotton not spandex)amd released the sisters from their tortue francais. Deck shoes, a glass of fine Napolean Brandy, coffee break, a ciggy and out to the deck I go. It's beautiful out, snow softly drifting down. ...3 bick walls surrounding me ... breathe.

Let the groove settle, crank the iPod and dance and sing on the deck for half an hour. Need more brandy.

Thank the hundred little gods that tomorrow is Friday.

I go thome,

I don't want it back, keep it.

1. a kleenex after use
2. a toothbrush that falls in the toilet.
3. either ex husband
4. a cold
5. the 21 pounds i have lost this month

small graces 2/09

1. Happy grandkids.
2. Arms that work the dayafter aquacize.
3. Rising temperatures.
4. green chai
5. peanut butter icing.
6. peer pressure ;)

creepy nightcrawlin' february blues

Other people call them winter blues. I do not. It is not winter's fault. It's the fault of mother earth's axial tilt and the shorter expanse of daylight hours. If she didn't flirt with the sun so, it wouldn't be an issue. It is then aggravated by peoples' nonconformance to enjoy freezing their arses and various other stickyouty appendages off during a flatlands winter day.

The last 3 days for example have registered temperatures colder than Xandru's 39th hell, minus 34-37 celcius BEFORE the wind chill, which makes the reality of frozen eyeballs just a quick walk to the store at something around minus 45 freaking below. brrr brrr fucking brrrrr.

And even if you make it through the whole forshortened day, the night just goes on and on and on, the tendency to sleep longer earlier later kicks in and then your whole cycle is pooched. My downstairs neighbours must be deaf because deb and I have been taking shifts every 2 hours poppin' up wide awake - no particular reason - doing the nightcrawler shuffle. Have a glass of water - nope. I'm hungry, look in fridge - nope. Have a couple drags of a smoke - nope. Go to the bathroom - nope. Any thing on TV - nope. Read a book - HAH! - nope. Go back to bed and hope you can sneak upon dreamland once again. By the end of Jnauary - you are ALWAYS tired.


Ahhh where was I? Oh yes, the light lustre days are actually getting longer - noticably YAHOO!!! Warm comes later. I've found 3 cures for winter blues. A vacation to where there is sun and a minimum of 12 hours a day of intense light (not that I get to go there but I watch my friends as thy leave and return ... heavy sigh).

Fake baking once every 2 weeks even - just for 5 minutes - really - it makes a world of difference. Have a smoke, put the tunes on and dance around in an upright booth buck naked for 15 minutes and the world is shiny and new! Don't worry - you don't have to look at yourself, you've got the suntanning blinder eyes on, so dance like no one is watching - no one is ;)

On a less extreme note find the window in your house that gets the noon to 4 oclock sun. Pull a chair into the path of the light fantastic, read a book, watch tv, have a nap - I don't care. But spend a couple of hours in direct light - like a plant, it'll perk you right up.

Well have to run. It's haul my ass to aquacize to get rid of the fatoldladyitiss I've allowed to weigh me down. It's all about escapism ;)

hide - february's coming.

change is eternal ...