letter to the boy

i love you and i am sure that i will miss you once you are gone for a bit, but i think that we are both more than ready for you to get out there and get on with it. there were a few things i wanted to pass along and we don't get much uninterrupted time to chat anymore.

i'm quite proud of you son. it is very important that you have found both a passion and a career in food. you may never be wealthy but i am fairly sure you will be happy. you learn quickly and though you may on occasion be a bit stubborn (don't know where you got that from) persistence generally pays off. you have the gift of the gab for which i will take credit, and a fairly analytical eye when it comes down to choices that are good for you (please continue to use it).

keep looking for the new challenge but remember it needs to be balanced with a bit of routine so you don't bounce right off the planet. if you travel, remember you can always phone home collect (please call once in a while). keep up with the flute playing grasshopper, it's small easily portable and then you always have music when the batteries for the mp3 player wear out. remember to paint something once in awhile. give angus bodhi cat some extra treats from me once in a while please.

i would like you to understand that my separation anxiety is more for me than for you. you're young you'll adapt, i have great faith that you will be successful, you already have the tools, you just need to organize them a bit more coherently.

me - i have big plans. i'm going to quit smoking tomorrow. i found out this morning that i have lost 10 pounds in the last 3 weeks. i am going to get my credit hell under control and reduce my consumerism. then hopefully sometime about 2 years from now i'm hoping i can take a trip to europe (after i get kitchen cupboards).

looking forward to family dinners at Amanda's and seeing you on your occasional day off (maybe you'll cook for Deb & I? I'll do the dishes).

you are always in my heart
mom

knights of knee

as many of you may know my knee has gone rather wonky over the last year or so. sometimes it stiffens up and won't bend, or it feels like it's going to collapse when i step on it, and then it makes it hard to do stairs ... and then it will be fine. completely freakin' random. in fact, there have been occasions where i went out and danced so much my feet hurt the next morning but the knee was fine ?

so i got xrayed and saw the doc and now i am waiting to heear when i will see the orthopedic surgeon - no biggy - in out and done - local anesthetic even.

so there is a foreign body in my knee - no mensicus tear (that's the cartilidge that acts as the buffer between the bones) the doctoro figures its a piece od calsium growth that has broken of or a hunk of cartelidge of unknown origin as there are no visible tears that may have produced it.

so I called the Dr. Babar's office today to find out when my appointment will be - and the receptionist tells me - they'll contact me in about 10 months ....... WTF!
however, instead of losing my mind and letting the lips take over, i took a breath and asked if she knew of any other surgeons that might have a shorter wait time. Yes! She suggested Dr. Rodwan whose waiting list is only a few months - much more handlable. So now it's back to the family doctoro to get a different referral to this ither doctor who can see me in 2-3 months, though that does not even begin to address when the actual surgery might be.

thank the hundred little gods (and pj and my dad) that i take responsibility for my own health care.

lovely monday

a huge and heartfelt thank you to all the peple that celebrated my birthday with me - it was an absolute blast! pictures on crackbook later this week. HUGE HUGE thanks to Abigail & crew for spooking up the house of pain and letting the ghoulies run wild through the night and Katier made these little ham & cheese stuffed buns - delish!

Highlights:
i got to see ALOT of my friends and family ;)
my dad called me AT the bar on Friday nite and sang happy birthday to me.
it snowed at 9:30 Friday nite, right on schedule - only once in 32 years has it not snowed before my birthday.
I got home Friday nite to a spotless kitchen and the stainless was all shiny and the hall and livingroom were clean .... it was freakin' GREAT thanks to my kids Amanda & Chris & Murray
I got shiny stuff and winey stuff, and things that were very miney stuff!
my girlchild made me supper and I splurged and had mmmmm angelfood cake with the grands!

and now it's off to work.

5 on the 27th #2

i love you so much that when you sing to me my heart grows 3 times bigger and my aura gets 3 times brighter.

you're strong and smart and beautiful and you deserve better.

why didn't you call me today?

what you did caused so much more than physical damage. you broke the friend rule. you betrayed him and then abandoned him, and that makes you a coward.

i don't hate you, or even resent you any more, but I really do think you are one nasty bastard.

autumn

rough and tumble forever in transition like the season you for which you are named (strange since you were born in June ;). contantly sloughing of the old and embracing the new. ready for anything and dancing on the edge of excitement with every new experience. feet first, no frail and flighty thing but a girl with determination to get done whatever it is she has decided she needs to do. big hearted and openminded like only children are. soft and gentle as a kitten hiding in a cave when hurt or frightened. creative imagination rampant across the pages of her art. music of life thrumming in her feet with every single bouncy step she takes. shake what your mama gave ya'!

I love you bunny.

anti dk

2 more sleeps

one of the small problems with maintaining the mindset of an 8 year old is the inability to NOT get excited about one's birthday. at 46 I have alot of friends in denial and defferal modes. me, I want to celebrate. turn on the music and dance, dress up and be outrageous, be the center of attention, have cake & candles, party with my friends and have all of them have a good time too! LUCKY FOR ME that i also have a bunch of friends that love to have a good excuse for a party and several friends with birthdays close to mine, so we are planning a multibirthdaycostumehalloweenbash and abby is even breaking out the disco ball! dance hall fame is bright in our future - so me and all of my other single digit minded confederates will be hootin' and a howlin' saturday night, S_A_ T_U_R D_A_Y_ NIGHT (the denial & deferral crowd will recognize that song heh heh heh) I'm sure by sunday that my knee will hate me, too bad!

i figure that it is another year survived, and if i'm doing it right, lived well. i didn't break too many toys. i lost a few friends and made a double handful of new ones. i've been in the "new" job a year and half now, and i think i enjoy it more than when i started if that is humanly possible. i've kicked the sugar addiction and replaced it with crackbook. i exercize more and managed to lose some weight, though that is a constant bloody struggle that occasionally puts even my persistance to the mat. i haven't quit smoking, but i used to smoke at least a pack a day and for almost 2 years now, a pack of smokes generally lasts me about 4 days - so long as i don't go to the patio. my back is in much better shape since i started taking belly dancing classes (and practicing at home) however now my knee is buggered, there's a "foreign object" floating around getting stuck in the most excruciatingly inconvenient places - waiting for an appointment with Dr. Babar (remember the books - really that's his name!) gotta love it.

my grandkids are terrific and they keep me on the ball. i got my first emails from them since before summer and it just made my freakin' day (we do spelling and since they are in french immersion the dk makes struggling attempts at remembering her french grammar and says thank you when corrected by the children). i say with pride that my family has made great strides in actually being a family this year. my daughter started having SUNDAY DINNER, and my son started going over every week - for a whole year!!! I think they may have only missed 1 or 2 sundays (mom's heart growing bigger than grinch's - but don't tell). Chris (Amanda's man) has become a regular part of the family, he's pretty hilarious actually. Amanda & Murray have managed a truce from the dysfunctional remains of their earlier lives. the kids get to visit with the uncle they just adore (Seth is convinced that uncle Murray is really a NINJA) and dk pops in about once a month to share the wealth and not interfere too much (stop laughing - i work really hard at that - and it's hard). dad & viv's health is stable and Mikey is doing well. the seesters and their families have aslo gained a little stability this year - YAY!!!

and it's thursday and though i'm not completely caught up i am not behind either - it's about the balance sister.

almost a week ..

i just realized this morning that I have not posted a thing since last wednesday. social buterfly that i am, I have been quite busy flitting here and there. Last Wednesday saw an out of town visitor, my friend Jo (abigail's mom) join us down at the pub which is always a good time (see the pics on crackbook) and as fate would have it the last of the deck days (now we know for sure that winter will be arriving shortly). a fairly huge chunk of the crew showed up some time during the evening and silliness ans smiles were the order of the evening. Thursday I had a lunch date with some friends that don't get together very often and it was like all the time between, just didn't happen except that sassyB is better than his hotness from 10 years ago and Liberty Boy is now an old married man. Thusday nite was a catch up at home, watch Ugly Betty, and deal with the sad revelation that iI have not been able to lay my hands on an essential part of my planned hallowe'en costume (it'll have to be next year I guess), so it was get the alternative ready to go and a knotting and a sewing the dreads we be... and of course catch up on my scrabulous games while sorting pictures and doing backups from the laptop. up quite late on the computer since my DO was Friday.

Friday was clean my room, do my laundry, charge the camera, get a bday card and get my ass down to the pub by 4 to save a table for my nephew Mason's 19th bday party. with no deck (took down on thursday when we weren't looking) i had forgotten how full the pub would be. I found one little table fr 4 way off inthe back where i cannot see who is coming in but managed within about 20 minutes a move to the front of the pub with a table for 6, 8 if we crowd the chairs. the problem started when more people than i had originally anticipated showed up - like 5 more - and I had sort of known they might be coming but never had confirmation - but it's our pub and a lovelier bunch of people you've simply not met. there were 2 gents sitting at the big lugnut table (seats 12-20 depending on how tight we squish 'em) so I asked them if they would mind switching and just like that - problem solved. it was quite the party, by 10 i sat midpoint in table and there was my family on the right side and my friends on the left and me, in proverbial pint heaven. i took scads of pics, some of which I haveposted on crackbook already, most of which are processed.

and then it was Saturday morning, and i was starting to drag my but a bit but it was up and at em nonetheless. finish the laundry clean the bathroom, touch up the graffiti covering, Peter and an unmotivated Deb came over after lunch and Peter installed the new office light fixture for me - though I did not have the correct lightbulbs - of course. then we realized that the fixture that I had picked out for the kitchen (second one) had the wrong sized base - so much for that, and Deb decided that she wants to put her fixture up in the bedroom so there was nothing to do there either. I will be making another to trip to HD to return, replace and pick up alternates and a new dimmer switch some time this week. then it was call the girls I haven't seen all week and chat with the grands, grab a quick bite to eat and get ready for a little karaoke at Bubba's with Kory and crew. too funny - Bren runs the karaoke and most of us are too chicken to sing, but we have a great time together and when the dance music comes on we're shakers and movers.

Sunday Steph and Hayden came and picked me up for a java at the Orange Cafe. ye gods but Hayden is one happy bouncy little bundle of joy! the perpetual motion machine with a giggle that lights up the whole room! he gets this one look - just the most mischievious little devil, and looks just like his dad. then we went for groceries at the local Safeway. I was absolutely ecstatic that I got out of there for under $150 and Steph was a doll and gave me a hand hauling the goods up the stairs since Mur had to go to work waaaay early that morning. clena the fridge, etc put stuff away, cook up some basa poi and get ready for supper with the grands, but that got cancelled so I tracked down some other people I hadn't been in touch with for a week or so and caught up with them and decided it was time to wash the bedding etc. finished up sewing the belly dancing veils, gathered up the library books to return tomorrow and attemted to go to bed early. hah! sstupid freakin nightmares... ah well.

and then it was Monday and happy to be back at work (sounds crazy I know - but really) only to find that the usual weekend influx had slowed to a trickle giving me a chance to catch up on a few other things! talked to the grands, caught up with the daughter, ratted on one of my best friend's son, tasty supper, dancin with the stars and slept like a baby last night YAYAYAYAYA! up at 5am today. in early to work, doctor tomorrow to see about the knee and my birthday is in 4 more sleeps.

running with scissors

very fast - love y'all. fighting with knee. busy at work. trying to get the house together for Deb's move and my halloween costume for the bday bash, and the belly dancing veils made for next monday and and and ... gotta go

huzzah!

for fraturday nights to sweep the blues away!

damn ...

step clickety, step click clik, step ceerack clik, step clickety, step crackle crunch - CRUNCH? what the hell was that? my knee cracked so loud the 2 girls already on the elevator heard it and peered at me with a sort of bemused "holy crap did that sound come from her knee-it must hurt- why is she even walking on it - man she should lose 100 pounds" amused expression.

no shit sherlock. and yes it does hurt. even the xray technician could hear it and when she did her eyebrows hit her hairline - results next tuesday.

so it has been an exasperatingly long week considering there were only 4 work days and whew! am i glad it's over! plagued by little or no sleep and that interupted by subconcious panic attacks where i am trapped by criminals or at the least, VERY nasty people with personal violence soon to follow, which i find myself helpless to do anything about followed by running away as fast as i can - into a dead end. jolting into reality sweating ans shaking and in fear for my life at 3 am, or generally 2.5 hours after i fell asleep. petrified to go back to sleep. and after the 3rd night in a row, too apathetic to even try. I just find something to do until it's time to go to work. but i apparently have no trouble at all falling asleep at my desk - while i'm typing - or reading ...

my son asked me if my knee hurt while i was running away ....

now i am usually competent at determining what the source of my fear is. it is a challenge to be ound and dealt with. usually something beyond my control, however my life is fairly together these days so i am at a loss. unless it is just a build up of those few things that i seem to be unable to stop or start myself from doing, even though i REALLY want to accomplish those tasks. quit smoking, lose weight, get fit, manage my money better. i have certainly improved on all counts over the last year - no question. NONE of them is uber-pressing. damn .. it must be something else - what is it?

this is my crazy. knowing that there is some underlying source of tension within myself and not being able to find it, though i am sure the lack of REM sleep is not particularily helpful. and i end up in all kinds of circular analysis and simply cannot find the key to the maze/labyrinth/dead end trap. then the doubt spreads and i start questioning little decisions and then it's my judgement at work, and next i am SURE that i start inventing things, and as karma wills, those invented little oppositions start to become reality ..... and the hamster wheel kepps spinning.

so my knee is buggered and i have to WAIT for results, my living room is full of boxes, i have several home improvement tasks i haven't gotten round to and 2 sewing projects. i missed going for a pint with my friend sam before she goes back to jtown. 2 teeth broke off my upper plate last nite when i bit into a chicken breast, i cannot stop sneezing and i am angry and nasty and bitchy as all get out. oh yes and the doctor told me that everyone's breasts are 2 different sizes (which i knew) and that though i think the difference is huge - it really isn't and that the hormonal changes that begin when you are pre-mantalpausal can cause some fairly strange things to happen, the hyper sensitivity of a woman who doesn't really want to deal with that crap makes everything seem worse. thank you docter frankenstein - you fucker.

but it's friday. and the denturist fixed my plate for free before 9:30 this am. for an hour this afternoon my knee didn't click. i got all of the articles for the newsletter done (a month ahead of time) and approved even with my second guessing myself STOP! - aha! - that's why i am doing so shitty on the crackbook friend quizzes - apart from the questions that i truly don't know - carrying on... my son is packed and has assured me that there is no problem with his move. my grandson is fine after is gatorpult on sunday. and my other 2 kids Chris and Amanda paid me back some extra money I hadn't planned on.

aarrrggghhh! pint time

the name meme

from la diva (i started this Oct 1 - and forgot to post it ;)

Use the 1st letter of your name to answer each of the following... They MUST be real places, names, things...NOTHING made up! Try to use different answers if the person in front of you had the same 1st initial. You CAN'T use your name for the boy/girl name question.
Your Name: donna kay
Famous Artist/Band/Musician: donovan
4 letter word: diet
Vehicle: don't got nada
TV Show: dancing with the stars
City: donnybrook, western australia
Boy Name: driscoll
Girl Name: druscilla
Alcoholic drink: down the hatch
Occupation: desktop publisher
Flower: delphinium
Something you wear: dolce & gabanna
Something you do: dance the night away
Something that you like: diamonds
Celebrity: donatello (the best TMNT)
Food: Das Hagen
something found in a kitchen: dishcloth
Reason for Being Late: don't have a clock
Cartoon Character: donkey kong

Each one teach one

i was reading an interview by Latifah today and came across those words. so simple and clean. no obfuscation, no attempt to mystify, making everything ever clear.

she was talking about female MCs but it goes SO much farther than that. past gender race creed or culture. we all have skills/ethics/values that other people may not have heard/embraced/known. and as adults it is our duty/role/responsibility to pass them on. your life evolves from a single set of experiences to a fractally expansive life-experience with each person you teach.

love, patience, persistence, self control, self worth, humour, honour, basic human decency - all things i try and share with everyone i know and in the process i hope that they will pick up what they need. teach by example. and that's just the ethereal, then there are all the practical skills we can pass along to others: cooking, sewing, painting, furniture refinishing, basic plumbing and how to wire a light fixture, musical instrumentation, computer skills, relationship building, not to mention the all important correct usage of the comma.

my mom was a teacher. she taught me by doing things with me not for me. she was great and i miss her every day. my dad was a banker and never taught me anything about financial planning except that i had to save my own money for the rainy days, i should always pay my bills on time, and I should not overuse any line of credit. all good advice, but what about GICs RRSPs and pension planning etc. he lives in moose jaw and i miss him everyday too, but in a totally different way ;) i learned the lessons, i just have trouble with consistent practical application.

each one teach one, that's how you reach one. make a new friend, help an old one

"To be compassionate is not enough. You must act." Dalai Lama

monday off

a festive fraturday night to catch up with the fraterfamilia with many toasts to Alexander Keith's 212th birthday. much frivolity, some really tasty canapes ond horse doovers, green antlers and glow in the dark necklaces, a walking camo-man and a portable kissing booth care of smilin joe.

saturday was a quick trip to the pub to retrieve my elephant only to find that someone also found a hippopotamus by the bar. a quick pint with the boyos and back to the house to do laundry and spend waaay too much time on the crackbook. watch a movie, run the antivirus, charge the camera battery - you know ...

so the trip to moose jaw went well except for the faceplant my 6 year old grandson did from the back of the gator. they hit a bump in grasshopper lane and seth was launched like a piece of popcorn out of a popper. glad they were on the grass and not the tarmac. it was heart in mouth time - let me tell you. he must of hit with the shoulder and chest then bounced sort of somersaulty to head and tailbone. picked the grass out of his hair then a trip to the hospital to be sure nothing was broken with, a refreshingly quick response by the emergency team - less than 2 hours - REALLY. nothing broken, but bruising all down his right side, a small bump on his head and some minor scrapes and abrasions none worth a bandaid, but he's going to be sore for a couple of days poor little bugger. not quite as scary as when my son fell out of the back of his grandma's moving station wagon (about the same age) and into 9th avenue north. the difference being that my son opened the back door of the wagon himself - and just happened to be driving the gator.

so it's back to the regular weekend chores today and brunch with my friend PJ shortly.

happy turkey lurkey day

past & passed

mongol brought his new (last october) wife over for a java last night. she's wonderful and he's a very lucky man. he has 26 guns now and wants to buy a harley which the voice of reason has kiboshed until the little niggles are all caught up (brilliant girl). i missed my little brother - heartwise - we've known each other for 20 years and he is amazed that little amanda has 2 schoolage children. he remembers my phone number without having used it in 3 or 4 years and he came bearing gifts - snow goose - mmmm nummy.

time passed but the connections are timeless - here - now. we looked at pictures to try and make sense of who the crew were and how they got to who they are now. i forgot to take one of them. they seem comfortable and happy. we spoke of the past, and people who had passed through our lives, leaving impressions and continuing on their way. it raised some ghosts for me.

sheila what happened to you? curtis are you still hermitizing in some spitandyoumissit flatlands burgh? brotherB are you still breathing? fortney - answer your thrice bedamned phone. keppel i lost your number in quebec and i have no idea what name your number is registered under. cora lynn you got married and i don't know your married name. brenda did you ever have any kids? shelley p - how are you and the baby girl/toddler doin? sweet cherry, how many grandkids do you have now and are you still in brandon? jen-girl, out on the coast i so hope you are happy. yvonne i hope you stayed out of jail this time. glen did you stay in the forces? mr. sinclair i hope you ended up married to someone you deserved. sugarman i still miss you. mike i release you and dave i forgive you, you poor bastard.

thurs am

i was sick - i have not been on the computer. i missed the celebration for a really great friend. i missed mofo delurk day. i missed meeting la Diva. life sucks.

on the other hand, my son has packed all his stuff and all he needs now is an address.

WTF - it's monday already?

after a 5 day week that was just go gadget go - it really shouldn't have surprised me that there was a fraturday nite abourning in this last weekend of September. the ladies auxilliary was out in full force - and some of the members we hadn't seen in a while also arrived: like crazy d and madame cucaracha (they have had WAY too much to deal with for frivolity lately) whom I've missed the past 2 weeks. I hadn't seen miss engaged and handsfull Joe for awhile either and palinode was looking almost happy (he finally has a date for his back surgery - light at the end of the tunnel) and the schmutz was the camera meister for the evening. the sheriff had his happy on and 4degreedan got in his share of riposites. darjill were discussing shrek possibilities for hallowed eve costumes. debpet stopped by for a pint before the fafard opening & pocket buddha and knuckletoes are always good for an anecdote or two. so many of the crew stopped by for a hug and a kiss or a giggle or two ~ boisterous behaviour and many many belly laughs filled the autumnal air and the weather was just freakin great! we patio partied into the wee hours until abby, the heinman, prettygirl and myself decided to top the night off with the traditional sidetrip to Trif's and munchout before crashtime.
saturday morning and 7 am and why the hell am i up and at 'em already? oh yeah right - it's cleaning day. blechhh - meh - fah - ptui (all not considered words in scrabulous) but it needed to be done. oh and laundry too (joy joy joy joy down in my heart). home d'kockaleekie soup (add real chicken celery onions garlic & potatoes to Lipton's chicken noodle) a quick trip to the store and it was a stay at home day but I did spend close to 5 hours playing scrabble with many many people, finished 2 books, caught up on Ugly Betty and Dancing with the Stars and finally watched the Bourne Ultimatum.
sunday - i was awake before 7 - but pushed angus bodhi cat off my head (he licks my eyelid to wake me up when HE thinks he should be fed) and decided to try and stay asleep a little longer. then the phone rang around 8 - a wake up call for the boy - and i pulled the blankies over my head and tried to ignore the world. bah humbug. not more than 45 minutes later i was up and moving. puttering and muttering, phone calls and family thanksgiving arrangements and then it was off to visit the grands (my daughter Amanda makes family dinner every sunday and I try and be there at least once a month) i took my much vaunted favorite Dr Sueuss books the library had ordered for me "The 500 Hats of Bartholomew Cubbins", and Bartholomew & the Oobleck." the grands were not as impressed as i was. devi(7) enjoyed them far more than seth (6) and we played the piano and dinner was scrumptious roast chicken with smashed potatoes and kernel corn and REAL gravy.... treats for dk. then the chris whomped me at scrabble - twice. and of course it was then the "let's kick dk's ass realtime" evening in scrabulous because Chedly took me out 3 times and Ach'tung just slayed me twice - yet did i give up - of course not - for me it's all about the playing - remember - i will always be 8 years old :)