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GIST small successes

Monday is done and over and my desk is still clear - only two pieces I am currently working on, YAY! I also managed to get a good start on the next volume of the quarterly newsletter - which puts me a bit ahead. I may have found a solution to the fiscal security I need - waiting till the end of the week for that. I am done my laundry. My eyes aren't quite as swollen from the snow mold today either. Saw a few friends, talked to my friend Keppel in Ottawa and spent an hour and hald on the phone with sugar. Now for a soak and the day is replete.

and stranger

Panic attacks directly from sleep twice last night - no details just dark blurry and an overwhelming sense of being trapped in a situation on personal physical danger and being unable to defend myself. WTF? Tries all the old fashioned homely somnolents - not happening. I am almost afraid to go back to sleep.

No strange foods, nothing untoward ingested, quiet weekend just trying to get the allergies under control. Reading, movies, sewing - nothing is abating the sense of utter dread.

shit.

strange dreamin'

I have been having strange and stranger nightly subconcious visitations, and they aren't all pretty or even recognizable as signposts about things I need to change, or reminders that I NEED to change something else, or a poke just to tell me to pay attention.

This last one though - waay out there.

Terror - darkness - searing pain - scarlett - glowing more fear - amorphous where my dreams are usually crystal clear HD technicolour. Pain in my legs - couldn't walk - doctors couldn't find the problem (note I have had lots of issues with my stupid knees in the last couple of years so this is an obvious fear of loss of mobility which I have when I am awake occasionally but not this deepseated terror that wakes me up breathing heavy in a panic.)

Needles - big darning needles - scarlett pain - hot - needles sticking out of my skin around my knees like someone had jabbed them all the way in and they are only now working themselves out ... and then more of them surfacing through the fleshy part of my leg right above my knee in I Ching patterns with pieces of flesh to denote the break in the I Ching line, but there were only 5 of them not the six I would need to determine the message ... and it hurt - ye gods it hurt!

and then I woke up.

wtf?

green breeze

Submerged anger and resentment rise with the warmth like the ammonia from Wascana, bringing tears and clutching throats. As the whirlwind death of winter loses velocity, people pushed to the edge by the long cold are fragile and cracking like ice on the lake. The green breeze clears minds, soothes souls, and invites us all to breathe before we accuse.

All the little pettynesses that have piled up since the snow locked us in, the misunderstandings, the apologies not truly accepted, and the angst never voiced can be assisted in their release by a walk in the park.

Make sure to look in the mirror before you go for your walk.

green day

happy St Paddy's to everyone who's ever had a little Irish in 'em and for everyone else who wishes they had ;)

While it is not the OFFICIAL 1st day of spring, It is the 1st day after the dreaded extra 6 weeks of winter foretold by the stupid groundhog on February 2. And everywhere there's green - I even saw some peeking around the edge of our sidewalk yesterday.

So it's off to the pub after work to meet the mates and lift our glasses to the beginning of a bright new year and the death of winter.

chin chin

the Ides of March

and it's Monday in 2 minutes. The Ides was originally a festive day dedicated to the Roman God Mars. History writes that when Julius ignored the seer's forewarning he was back-stabbed by his buddy Brutus. Isn't it amazing how something good can be completely reversed by politics.

So happy Ides to all. Ides in the Roman calendar were the 15th day of March, May, July and October and often fell around full moons.

A busy week with the Ides, St Paddy's day, and my son's 27th bday - so I'm taking him to Hawksley Workman at Darke Hall. I love Hawksley (thank you abigail) and I'm hoping Mur will find his music as interesting as I do.

wednesday blues

What a long week. the queen concert was a blast with malibu yesterday and we got to visit with niall, who made a good attempt at concocting some rum cream for me. Nice to catch up.

Work's a killer this week though. It feels like my brain is on strike and refuses to put two coherent thoughts in a row - which makes letter writing a wee bit of a challenge.

Two more days - I can DOOO ITTTTT.

lazy sunday

After blowing all my plans for a Saturday evening out for a birthday party, a trip to McNally's with KD and the crew, and some late night karaoke, by laying down for a one hour nap - and being totally oblivious to the alarm clock OR the phone, I managed to sleep from 6 pm to 7 am this morning and then promptly when back to bed until 10am. It doesn't catch me up for the sleep I missed the rest of the week but it certainly FEELS BETTER. Now I'll have to catch up to the bday girls to deliver belated gifts.

However, I did wake up to well timed phone call and got a leavening of sugar to begin my day, always good. I made a list of all the things that I need to get done, and accomplishes exactly one of them;)

The laundry while sorted has not levitated itself to the basement, the kitchen floor is still wailing for the damp mop, and the plants would be sobbing for hydration if any were to be found. My T4 remains on the missing list as my tax software glares accusingly from the top shelf, the front door still squeals its animosity awaiting some WD40, and the dust-bunnies are seriously amused at my sloth.

Hmmmm, I find myself deaf to their pleading and whining for me to be productive. Blue mountain coffee for breakfast and a couple of cigarettes, a little reading, catching up on the email, worked through some more pictures, put the roast in the oven, wasted several hours away on crackbook, and am now enjoying some 12 year old Appleton Rum straight from Jamaica. Miss the island mon.

So I'll finish cooking dindin, I MIGHT get the laundry in if there is ever an open space and then I believe I'll kick back and watch the Oscars in my jammies. It's the first 5 day week since christmas next week and It'sa gonna be a looong one.

Friday and GIST

1. more FRIENDS than I can count on my fingers and toes and your fingers and toes.
2. dakar
3. a little sugar now and again
4. earned days off
5. anticipation

MWAHAHAHAAAAAAA!

Monday is over.

planning for the future

at my age, 48, most people these days have at least a nebulous idea of what they want to do for their retirement - if they get to retire at any rate. They've been to meetings on investment plans, GICs, RRSPs, time shares, pension plans and payouts, tax shelters etc. Up to this point I have kind of just ignored them and thought - I've got lots of time. I was possible planning to go back to school and do my Master's, maybe at the University of the South Pacific and had started to investigate what coursework was available on what island. But nothing really specific.

Now. I am motivated. My retirement destination is Jamaica. And I have been investigating all the things that I will need to plan/arrange/investigate/prepare for in order to make my dream come true. I figure a cool quarter million should look after me for at least 20 years and I'm not likely to last much past that. If anyone out there has dependable resources that apply to my list please leave me a comment.

1. What is required to be allowed to live in Jamaica.
2. What is required to maintain Canadian citizenship.
3. Can I have dual Jacanadian citizenship or is that even a good idea
4. Tax laws for above.
5. Do I need a work Visa for Jamaica?
6. What is the best real estate company to deal with when purchasing internationally.
7. Investigate health care alternatives.
8. Shipping costs for a PUP and a car, Canada to Jamaica.
9. Expenses, what will I need to live on? Power, Water, Gas, property taxes, beer.
10. How much interest will I be earning on my lump sum investment?
11. Best way to invest lump sum?
12. Onshore or off shore account?
13. Boat and motor, mooring costs?
14. Annual travel budget for hurricane season ;)

personal principles

Recently someone convinced me to throw away a singular personal principle that I thought was very important. It turns out it wasn't important all - at the time. Oh look, it still isn't. Was it ever?

Some pretty amazing things can happen when you let go of the boundaries you have set for yourself. You may not even be aware that you've fenced yourself in so tightly that it is your own thrice damned fault that you cannot escape from a self imposed prison made up of non sense. And that once you start to pull out the fence posts your world does NOT fall apart but opens up into the grand vistas of possibility that you used to thrive in.

What made me build that particular fence? External pressure. From friends, from society in general, from the media, from the family, the parents, the mores that were pounded into me as I grew up.

Does that make it right?

No. No it does not.

A personal principle is by definition personal. It should be made based upon how YOU perceive a situation/event/behaviour. Certainly you take into account the perceptions of others in the process of forming them, but when it comes right down to it, you are the one who will live by it, be affected by it, and will have to deal with the consequences on your future choices by that principle which you choose.

Be careful.

One little principle can cause immeasurable harm to yourself if it is not chosen for the right reasons. And if you make a mistake, and are not lucky enough to escape from it later, you just may fuck yourself for good. And not in a good way.

I escaped. Thank the hundred little gods.

GIST number i dunnow

1. Mondays that are at least nice out first thing in the morning.
2. Fake baking on the flatlands in the winter.
3. Getting into pants that didn't fit 5 weeks ago.
4. Family that's not quite so batshit crazy as it used to be.
5. An unexpected phonecall that is sometimes nothing but breathing and that's all good.

and it's Friday ... whew! made it.

Being away from work for 6 days ended up snowing me under in a blizzard of letters which in most cases is something I can plod through and catch up but this week some of those were already 7 days behind on my timeline and it was a mad but focused frenzy to get at least caught up if not ahead just a teensy bit. Thought I might have to go in on my day off but no, by quitting time yesterday the sherpa for the newsletter had been approved and printing was to commence - ON TIME no less, and the closest due date was Mar 3, except for one piece of correspondence awaiting the return of the content owner.

Then it was off to fake bake with the roomie, a delusional grab at some tropical heat that makes me feel all warm and happy, a quick pint at the pub, and a lovely visit with one of my favorite ladies to share vacation stories and catch up the last month. YAY! no more tangles though I absolutely do not like to lose any of the length I figure it's a fair trade for some manageability. I have been assured that the demi will tone down a bit over the next couple of weeks and the beach hair will reappear, I'm sure along with the white roots ;)

A return to the pub after girl time saw Canada win the hockey game, another gold in speed skating and raucous crew having a fair good time. More people for me to catch up with and a quiet glass of wine with my flat mate Deb.

All in all - a damn fine day.

Today - well - sort of up in the air. I should do a load of laundry - but there are 3 days in this weekend. I should go grab some groceries. I should do a number of things but I think today is on island time so I'll just sashay along and see what adventures present themselves.

like the pocket buddha says - peace y'all

levels

For years now my intimates have persisted that I need a man. I maintained that I did not. A little history required here: I've been unsuccessfully married twice, was engaged to another man for 3 years in between the marriages, and after the 2nd divorce had a wonderful 3 year casual but monogamous relationship with an absolutely lovely man. The last relationship was the only one that ended with both my wallet and my dignity intact. HUGE HUGE HUGE indication that maybe I had gotten to the point where I was at least getting the general idea of how to pick a good man. That was almost 7 years ago.

So after the singularly successful relationship in my life, I decided to stay single for awhile and work on MY shit, since except for the last one I tend to subsume my whole life into my relationship, and then at the end of it have to try and figure out where all my friends have gone. So I bought myself a condo, got myself out of debt, set out to rebuild friendships old and new ( some of them have become seriously great friendships that will always be there when I need them - thank you - you know who you are)and was working on physical self improvement, when I hurt my back in 2004. That was a biggy, I was flat out for 3 months and very limited for another 6. I diagnosed myself with diabetes and had it confirmed by the medical community late in 2006,FUCK! Of course it WOULD be something that requires me to monitor everything that goes in my mouth (almost), and requires even MORE self awareness and control, and after getting those changes integrated into my life I joined a belly dancing class to become more active and healthy, where I promptly broke a piece of arthritic build up in my knee in October 2007 and underwent a knee operation in 2008. I continue to have sporadic issues with the same knee and occasionally my other foot - mostly due to my weight. I am currently waiting fot the specialist to call with an appointment, and at the same time determined to dump the poundage so it's not such a problem.

Self disciple always being a struggle for an impractical hedonist. every time I lost mobility I let the pounds come back. You know the drill up and down but always a little more up... And truly, the more weight I put on the lower my self esteem dropped, the less effort I made to fill that "empty space" in my life. However, while I lost and gained weight before my holiday but with a net loss. YAY! I lost maybe a little over 20 lbs ON holiday. And I'm fair dinkum sure that there's another 15 or so more pounds gone missing since I returned to the frozen Popsicle land. I am on a roll.

So when I put together the noticeable weight loss, the boost to self esteem from my holiday and the new leaves I've turned over I am pretty much on a spectacularly positive path. And part of that was the whole "need a man" business. I must admit the ladies and gents were correct. I'm a fair transparent individual so good friends know what's going on with me. I am a loquacious piece of work.

However, it may not have been in the way you may be thinking. What I needed was to have someone actually make me believe that I was desirable. To give me concrete proof that I could not later deny. I had lost my sense of "I am woman hear me roar" that has been a lifelong mainstay. I needed to ignite my inner sparkle and unabashed joy in life. To regain my sense of being soft and vulnerable yet strong, without feeling like a patsy being played.

And I got that. On several levels. And once I was past my own bias and the stuck emotional doors were reopened, I actually REALIZED how much I'd missed those pieces of me. I can even look in the mirror - straight on, and say "pretty good dorlin'" - which has been totally unheard of in a long fuckin' time.

I have also determined that I still want to be single. I want a lover not a "permanent relationship". A space where I can continue to explore my newfound me-ness with someone else who also wants to maintain their independence of self. I want to regenerate the saucy wench that I love so much. I do not want to lose myself to twoness again and I probably would. My singleton status was hard fought and I have never been able to really explore it without all the entanglements of children and family and outside responsibilities. Now, it's just me, free.

Look out, the demon has been released!

ides of February : GIST

1. Though it still gets crispy, the weather is trending toward warmth.
2. My knee is feeling MUCH better.
3. I've caught up with most of my framily since I went on holiday.
4. I only had one load of laundry to do today.
5. Busy integrating lost bits back into the personalities.

pushed too hard

I was all happy about getting the dagnabit laundry done and then found out that carrying too much up the stairs at one time to reduce the number of sets of stairs I need to traverse is not - I repeat not - very good for my personal mobility.

c'est la vie.

a good week so far - 2 more days to go ;)

Work is humming along, managed to visit the kids and grands today and have a chat with the rapscallion about the value of honour and truth. I know he's only 8 but it really is never too young to learn that your word is your bond. People cannot take it away from you, you cannot generally sell it for anything, it is simply a precious jewel thst should be gently held and never tarnished.

Laundry is done.

And I appear to be getting around a little better. Woop Woop.

dented expectations

Have you ever noticed that there are a couple of principles that are so near and dear to your heart that they have just become part of you.So much a part of you that you think your friends and acquaintances are also aware of how important they are to you, so that when those principles are ignored or otherwise trampled upon(often unwittingly because how are those people supposed to know what is going on in your head when you only know half the time) your expectations of the people feel a little dented. You aren't angry or even really hurt, there's just a dissonance, a note off scale, kind of jangly along the nerves. I think I will have to share a java with my friend and talk it out.