what did I do?

I must have done something ... more than the usual, but I'm not sure what. When I ask, I get hmmm .... no real answer, but I'm certainly being cut out. No more certain way to drive me over the bend. Being the blunt and forward person that I am, I try and deal with a problem right there. Then it can be resolved - or not - but at least there can be some understanding. I thought I was conforming but I guess not. Chock it up to experience I guess.

the solitude of strength

A Leonard Cohen tune that seems to reverb through my brain today.

I grew up with "be strong", "if you want a job done right do it yourself", "work for it", "family first".

It can be a very lonely place.

...so a few hours later I look at the above^ and wonder which personality felt the need to express itself through my most normal mode of expression. It must be one of the repressed ones because I occasionally have to self edit. A few particular uninvited visitors from the -ugh!- real world.)
I got into the yoga pants (read stretchy and seamless but cotton not spandex)amd released the sisters from their tortue francais. Deck shoes, a glass of fine Napolean Brandy, coffee break, a ciggy and out to the deck I go. It's beautiful out, snow softly drifting down. ...3 bick walls surrounding me ... breathe.

Let the groove settle, crank the iPod and dance and sing on the deck for half an hour. Need more brandy.

Thank the hundred little gods that tomorrow is Friday.

I go thome,

I don't want it back, keep it.

1. a kleenex after use
2. a toothbrush that falls in the toilet.
3. either ex husband
4. a cold
5. the 21 pounds i have lost this month

small graces 2/09

1. Happy grandkids.
2. Arms that work the dayafter aquacize.
3. Rising temperatures.
4. green chai
5. peanut butter icing.
6. peer pressure ;)

creepy nightcrawlin' february blues

Other people call them winter blues. I do not. It is not winter's fault. It's the fault of mother earth's axial tilt and the shorter expanse of daylight hours. If she didn't flirt with the sun so, it wouldn't be an issue. It is then aggravated by peoples' nonconformance to enjoy freezing their arses and various other stickyouty appendages off during a flatlands winter day.

The last 3 days for example have registered temperatures colder than Xandru's 39th hell, minus 34-37 celcius BEFORE the wind chill, which makes the reality of frozen eyeballs just a quick walk to the store at something around minus 45 freaking below. brrr brrr fucking brrrrr.

And even if you make it through the whole forshortened day, the night just goes on and on and on, the tendency to sleep longer earlier later kicks in and then your whole cycle is pooched. My downstairs neighbours must be deaf because deb and I have been taking shifts every 2 hours poppin' up wide awake - no particular reason - doing the nightcrawler shuffle. Have a glass of water - nope. I'm hungry, look in fridge - nope. Have a couple drags of a smoke - nope. Go to the bathroom - nope. Any thing on TV - nope. Read a book - HAH! - nope. Go back to bed and hope you can sneak upon dreamland once again. By the end of Jnauary - you are ALWAYS tired.


Ahhh where was I? Oh yes, the light lustre days are actually getting longer - noticably YAHOO!!! Warm comes later. I've found 3 cures for winter blues. A vacation to where there is sun and a minimum of 12 hours a day of intense light (not that I get to go there but I watch my friends as thy leave and return ... heavy sigh).

Fake baking once every 2 weeks even - just for 5 minutes - really - it makes a world of difference. Have a smoke, put the tunes on and dance around in an upright booth buck naked for 15 minutes and the world is shiny and new! Don't worry - you don't have to look at yourself, you've got the suntanning blinder eyes on, so dance like no one is watching - no one is ;)

On a less extreme note find the window in your house that gets the noon to 4 oclock sun. Pull a chair into the path of the light fantastic, read a book, watch tv, have a nap - I don't care. But spend a couple of hours in direct light - like a plant, it'll perk you right up.

Well have to run. It's haul my ass to aquacize to get rid of the fatoldladyitiss I've allowed to weigh me down. It's all about escapism ;)

hide - february's coming.

change is eternal ...

almost hump day

Has anyone else noticed that the winter blues have kicked hard into gear - even though we've got this lovely little warm spell (warm equals warmer than -20C) Nice enough one day to make some puddles ;) I love puddles - especially first thing on a frosty morning when the icy skin is like fragile 100 year old glass. It crackles happily when you crush it, but sometimes you can hear the moan of it bending to the point of fracture - fighting for its physical integrity all the way.

As you can see I am easily distracted by shiny things even if I am the only one who can see them. Makes any attempt at meditation totally pointless, unless perhaps just a stream of consciousness release? Well it's an option.

Wells - smothering voids rank with the decay of earthly erosion or wellsprings of life. You decide. For me - it depends on the day, hour, minute ... Ding dong dell, pussy's in the well...

I haven't heard the bells on the glockenshpiel recently, I wonder if they turn it off in the winter or if their clappers are frozen? One of the best things about sunday morning is the intoning of the local church bells - all at odds with one another ... religious cacophony.

Celebrate difference.

decisions ...

help someone or be selfish?

and you do it to yourself.

I will always be 8 years old

I read this on my cousin's FB page - and though I've heard it before it struck a nerve. I don't remember who originally coined it but:

childhood is not from birth to a certain age and at that age the child is grown, and puts away childish things. childhood is the kingdom where nobody dies

As long as they are in your heart they're never truly gone.

the dirges ...

I used to fake bake once a week from Nov to March - for the light and the to the bone heat. I should probably be doing that now.

2009 first small graces

1. Thinsulate mittens.
2. Fuzzy homemade scarves from your friends.
3. Pants that still fit after the holidays
4. Friends to exercize with.
5. The first payday after christmas;)

personal secrets

I like to keep them when they're mine, because I always have the option to share if I need to. I don't often, but it does seem lately that some fairly juicy items I've been holding onto for decades now are just popping out as bon mots or anecdotal conversation, and on several occasions said conversation stopped cold. It wasn't meant to shock, it wasn't even a conscious choice, just an automated dump of dirt I no longer felt the need to hold onto.

Apparently what I see as a normal part of my earlier life and my blase attitude about the whole business is perniciously self delusional. So I've been told.

For the record I am not self delusional, I have worked through the black and ugly stuff in my life, and while I am certainly not happy about it by any means, I have learned to accept it as a part of what made me who I am today. Many of my experiences are what afford me the considerable compassion I can occasionally access, that provides me with a nonjudgmental stance when certain delicate subjects are breached. If I point a finger at anyone, there are 4 pointing right back at me.

One of the greatest things about surviving past 40 is the longview. Priorities change, opinions shift, patience shows back up as a regular companion, and you may find yourself thinking "it wasn't so bad". It was. Then. That was a looong time ago. Let it go, do not let being chained to the past destroy your present and deny your future.

Shit happens. Flush it.

gen y - U @ 50

A group of genY's were asked to create videos titled 'u @ 50'. This video actually won second place. Simple and brilliant.

Take a minute and a half minutes to watch it all the way to the end.

another blogiversary

My how time flies. I was just catching up on the interwebs and preusing abigail's latest post about her blogiversary, when I realized that my blog turned 2 this month. Without fanfare or notice, it slid under the radar and happily started another cycle. Thanks to anyone who stops by!

Here is part of the first post:
so what is wenchwire? a work in progress, a collection of anecdotal ramblings, a real-ease from my corporate tongue in cheek, don't say what you mean but mean what you say and still be polite to the customer who is always right but may be wrong daily writing, goddess goodness, a rant forest, dk's digital declamation of interdependence. All of these more and less.

and still true.

2 days

Grace in HUGE things.
1. My car has started every time I asked it to.
2. I found an air hose that was working after only 4 tries! and less than 2 miles from home.
3. All the presents are wrapped.
4. I did not hack up chunks of lung this am.
5. after today - 5 days off. 3 days of family and 2 for me ;)

Except for food prep I'm ready, which is a fair bit behind my usually organized self, which is still fine since there's 2 days to go. I was back at the doc's after work and since 3 rounds of antibiotics in 7 weeks haven't killed the bronchitis - we are now trying a steroidal puffer. I got to sleep for 4 hours in a row. REALLY! So far so good - hopefully this will work cause I am sick and tired of being sick and tired... and bitchy.

So the positivity persona is on and I'll work from there. Have a vunderbar day everyone!.

4 days left ...

I hadn't even realized how long it had been since I was in here. December 20 th is always a hard day for me. It's the day my mom died and you'd think that after 16 years I'd get a freakin' grip. Heavy sigh. I try very hard to shiny happy but inevitable chaos theory or Mr. Murphy always makes a visit. I should know better than to try and make plans on that day, but I keep on hopin'.

The presents are wrapped except for the one that is the wrong size - to be replaced tomorrow, and the two that I know what to get but STILL haven't found exactly the right one - but better find on my lunch hour - also tomorrow. The nibblies for christmas eve and the fixin's for the turkey dinner are lodged in their respective places - and those items that may remain frozen are parked in the trunk of my car for lack of room in the deep freeze. I have placed a sticky note on the dash to remind myself.

I haven't had any problems with Dakar so far (YEAH) but this am it took three tries to get her to turn over. It was -38 celsius last nite before the wind chill - and it's back to -34 now. Holy snappin' arseholes, contrary to popular belief this is not the north pole. Thank the hundred little gods that I did not have to be on the highway today!

The plants have been trimmed and candles uncapped, laundry's in the dryer and I missed the afternoon nap. Got my ass kicked at scrabble with the crew this afternoon, and again by the son in law online, just to keep the hubris in line I'm sure. Finished the last of my 3rd round of antibiotics since the end of October today. The abscess has subsided, the cough is holding on for dear life and still won't let me get a full night's sleep, but I have "hangover" eyes - all red with bags under them as an after effect of the meds. MMMM sexy girl.

So I'm now waiting for the last load of laundry to dry so I can have a shower and crash - working the next 2 days, with a trip to the doc after work Monday and the nieces & nephews over for pics on Tuesday evening (if it happens - 4th time lucky?). Then I'm off from the 24th to the 28th. Cooking all the sides for dindin early on the 24th at the dotter's = with ma familia for cordials later. happy santa morning with the kids & grands and pictures all around, Moose Jaw command performance on the 26th - the stuffed baked potatoes for 20 are also in the trunk of my car awaiting transshipment. Then I get 2 days to myself. Who hoo!

Sounds kind of whiny I know. However on a more positive note:

Grace in Small things 9
1. Rides home from the pub so you don't have to wait for a cab.
2. A car that starts at subzero temps without being plugged in. (knock wood)
3. Not losing the scotch tape even once.
4. Truffles.
5. Bailey's.

So I wish everyone peace on earth a goodwill to all the beings on the planet - even the sick perverted sociopaths that Dexter hunts down. I'm still on a rant about why we would have a TV show where the star is a serial killer. Can NO ONE find something Good to make a TV show about??? WTF!!!!

Oops sorry - tangential thoughts sidetracking me once again. I hope everyone has a good holiday season. Happy solstice and on with the 8 crazy nights.

grace in small things 8

1. aroad trip in December where the highways are great and there's not too much traffic.
2. finding exactly what the grandkids asked for.
3. watching yourself heal
4. mmmm ... the first two or three sips of that first cup of coffee.
5. wrapping presents.

disgrace in small things 1

1. I fell asleep at 6pm last night and did not decorate the tree with Deb after I sort of made a big deal out of it.
2. I forgot to call my dad
3. I bought a pack of smokes last Friday and I'm still smoking them.
4. Yet another set of clippers has disappeared. I didn't even get to use these ones.
5. I am still procrastinating with the laundry.

grace in small things 7

1. shiny happy bits on my living room table.
2. A smile that lights up her eyes.
3. The joy in Seth's voice as he tells me he is "Star of the Week" at school - a bit of positive reinforcement from the teacher in a group effort to steer him away from violently lashing out.
4. Fudge.
5. contemplating the grocery list for Saturday

fine ...

I want to disappear today. Waft silently through the dustladen reconditioning system, buffeted willy nilly by cruel crossdrafts with no place to bruise, in no way responsible for my path or destination.