what did I do?

I must have done something ... more than the usual, but I'm not sure what. When I ask, I get hmmm .... no real answer, but I'm certainly being cut out. No more certain way to drive me over the bend. Being the blunt and forward person that I am, I try and deal with a problem right there. Then it can be resolved - or not - but at least there can be some understanding. I thought I was conforming but I guess not. Chock it up to experience I guess.

the solitude of strength

A Leonard Cohen tune that seems to reverb through my brain today.

I grew up with "be strong", "if you want a job done right do it yourself", "work for it", "family first".

It can be a very lonely place.

...so a few hours later I look at the above^ and wonder which personality felt the need to express itself through my most normal mode of expression. It must be one of the repressed ones because I occasionally have to self edit. A few particular uninvited visitors from the -ugh!- real world.)
I got into the yoga pants (read stretchy and seamless but cotton not spandex)amd released the sisters from their tortue francais. Deck shoes, a glass of fine Napolean Brandy, coffee break, a ciggy and out to the deck I go. It's beautiful out, snow softly drifting down. ...3 bick walls surrounding me ... breathe.

Let the groove settle, crank the iPod and dance and sing on the deck for half an hour. Need more brandy.

Thank the hundred little gods that tomorrow is Friday.

I go thome,

I don't want it back, keep it.

1. a kleenex after use
2. a toothbrush that falls in the toilet.
3. either ex husband
4. a cold
5. the 21 pounds i have lost this month

small graces 2/09

1. Happy grandkids.
2. Arms that work the dayafter aquacize.
3. Rising temperatures.
4. green chai
5. peanut butter icing.
6. peer pressure ;)

creepy nightcrawlin' february blues

Other people call them winter blues. I do not. It is not winter's fault. It's the fault of mother earth's axial tilt and the shorter expanse of daylight hours. If she didn't flirt with the sun so, it wouldn't be an issue. It is then aggravated by peoples' nonconformance to enjoy freezing their arses and various other stickyouty appendages off during a flatlands winter day.

The last 3 days for example have registered temperatures colder than Xandru's 39th hell, minus 34-37 celcius BEFORE the wind chill, which makes the reality of frozen eyeballs just a quick walk to the store at something around minus 45 freaking below. brrr brrr fucking brrrrr.

And even if you make it through the whole forshortened day, the night just goes on and on and on, the tendency to sleep longer earlier later kicks in and then your whole cycle is pooched. My downstairs neighbours must be deaf because deb and I have been taking shifts every 2 hours poppin' up wide awake - no particular reason - doing the nightcrawler shuffle. Have a glass of water - nope. I'm hungry, look in fridge - nope. Have a couple drags of a smoke - nope. Go to the bathroom - nope. Any thing on TV - nope. Read a book - HAH! - nope. Go back to bed and hope you can sneak upon dreamland once again. By the end of Jnauary - you are ALWAYS tired.


Ahhh where was I? Oh yes, the light lustre days are actually getting longer - noticably YAHOO!!! Warm comes later. I've found 3 cures for winter blues. A vacation to where there is sun and a minimum of 12 hours a day of intense light (not that I get to go there but I watch my friends as thy leave and return ... heavy sigh).

Fake baking once every 2 weeks even - just for 5 minutes - really - it makes a world of difference. Have a smoke, put the tunes on and dance around in an upright booth buck naked for 15 minutes and the world is shiny and new! Don't worry - you don't have to look at yourself, you've got the suntanning blinder eyes on, so dance like no one is watching - no one is ;)

On a less extreme note find the window in your house that gets the noon to 4 oclock sun. Pull a chair into the path of the light fantastic, read a book, watch tv, have a nap - I don't care. But spend a couple of hours in direct light - like a plant, it'll perk you right up.

Well have to run. It's haul my ass to aquacize to get rid of the fatoldladyitiss I've allowed to weigh me down. It's all about escapism ;)

hide - february's coming.

change is eternal ...

almost hump day

Has anyone else noticed that the winter blues have kicked hard into gear - even though we've got this lovely little warm spell (warm equals warmer than -20C) Nice enough one day to make some puddles ;) I love puddles - especially first thing on a frosty morning when the icy skin is like fragile 100 year old glass. It crackles happily when you crush it, but sometimes you can hear the moan of it bending to the point of fracture - fighting for its physical integrity all the way.

As you can see I am easily distracted by shiny things even if I am the only one who can see them. Makes any attempt at meditation totally pointless, unless perhaps just a stream of consciousness release? Well it's an option.

Wells - smothering voids rank with the decay of earthly erosion or wellsprings of life. You decide. For me - it depends on the day, hour, minute ... Ding dong dell, pussy's in the well...

I haven't heard the bells on the glockenshpiel recently, I wonder if they turn it off in the winter or if their clappers are frozen? One of the best things about sunday morning is the intoning of the local church bells - all at odds with one another ... religious cacophony.

Celebrate difference.

decisions ...

help someone or be selfish?

and you do it to yourself.

I will always be 8 years old

I read this on my cousin's FB page - and though I've heard it before it struck a nerve. I don't remember who originally coined it but:

childhood is not from birth to a certain age and at that age the child is grown, and puts away childish things. childhood is the kingdom where nobody dies

As long as they are in your heart they're never truly gone.

the dirges ...

I used to fake bake once a week from Nov to March - for the light and the to the bone heat. I should probably be doing that now.

2009 first small graces

1. Thinsulate mittens.
2. Fuzzy homemade scarves from your friends.
3. Pants that still fit after the holidays
4. Friends to exercize with.
5. The first payday after christmas;)