What I really want to do is throw it all in a box and sell it off and run away home to where my heart has decided to stay.
What I have decided to do is to be a grown up, rationally think things through, make the plans, take the time to complete all of the details and hang in there till I can leave with Ts crossed and Is dotted.
Making sure that I am conservative in my risks, that those I leave behind have the least worry over MY future, and know that there will be some principal left for them when I am done and gone.
I thrash in the traces of my own making, tearing at the bit of "get this done first", and trying fruitlessly to buck off the saddle of "be financially responsible". My heart chastises me hourly because I refuse to chase down its missing pieces immediately and brings me often to the brink of tears at random and usually incongruous moments.
Yet here I plod, one step at a time, going through the motions so that when I do finally get to follow my heart it will be a successful venture with out the angst and difficulty there would be if I simply threw it all to the wind and left tomorrow.
No wonder I have days and nights where I cannot sleep, and when exhaustion finally pushes me to the limit I crash and burn.
The only surcease the conversations crackling with transatlantic interference, the joint plans and the continual affirmation that we do what we have to to get what we need and we simply have to keep holding on and move forward until we get there.
And all I want to do right now is throw a big hairy hissy fit. But really, what would be the point?
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