solstice is over ~ come on summer the days are already getting shorter

shhhhh! listen. no really, listen.
That insidious drip drop drip sploosh patter patter patter is gone.
well maybe. for now.

I'll take it. I'll glory in it. Revel in it even.
Blue skies sprinkled with fluffy bits of cotton floating by. ahhhhh ;D

Come on temperature, rise to our expectations.
Ra is playing tag with the sunbeams

clearage:

Here I go.

Time for tremendous life demolbuilding changes.

I have found within myself a new thing or an absence of an old one. space You know that drive that pushes you to get "stuff" to fill up your life with because it is devoid of those things which we all need, like selfawareness, selfknowledge, selfcompassion and love. Well the stuffdrive (you tube George Carlin - stuff)seems to have taken an extended vacation. Over the last few years I have sowly been divesting myself of "stuff", though last year I did venture out on a little clothing binge, which in truth was needed, but not to the extent that I spent resources. And I am in no way shunning materialism nor am I a shining example of non-commercialism, for those things that I enjoy or need. I simply find that there just aren't that many things that I enjoy or need.

For example, I want my favorite perfume, it makes me smile & invites happyness in, so if I find it I will buy it. I enjoy elephants, but I have quite a few, they symbolize some of my favorite people who are gone, they are one of the planet's smartest animals, they are afraid of mice because they don't want to hurt them, they have a language in stomping, they are overcomers of obstacles like Ganesa. I don't need anymore elephants. It used to be if it had an elephant on it, I had to buy it. Not anymore. Same goes with symbols of the buddha. I seem to have internalized much of this and don't need as many reminders to live now.

As for just regular stuff without any symbolic baggage, my perpetual weakness for the shiny has done me in too many times to count. I don't really even want those shiny dishes that are on sale, but they're on sale so I would have bought them before and found them a home later. OH! A of lovely pair of silver earrings, I want them, do I buy them, not anymore, because the shoulder-voice says "and when will you wear them then?" Realization dawns, I likely won't - much. I already have about 6 pairs of earrings in a rotation that I wear and a double handful put away in a box that I do not. So now I do not buy the new shiny ones.

Fake it till you make it works sometimes. Sometimes you have to fake it for a long time till you get there.

Mind you, there have been so many profound changes in my life the past 6 months perhaps I should not be so surprised. I am at the end of another 7 year cycle, also a time of settling matters & starting anew. I have lost a friend a month since January. Death has ceased to frighten or amaze me, it's just a part of the cycle and it makes me sad when it happens to people I love. Lesson: Enjoy the time you are here. Make life better, start with your own, and spread it around, you will be amazed. Share yourself, it's painful and worth it.

And so the clearage has begun.

A mental emotional physical clean sweeping is past due.

I start with who/what do I need? It's a short list. Self respect & confidence. Framily. Laughter. Music. Good food. Enough $$ to be comfortable somewhere warm. My photos and the plethora of art: each a tangible memory, a visual cue of those who gifted me.

After poking around inside my brain the only tender spots are where I made a poor decision, chose not to risk an opportunity, or refused in full knowledge to do the right thing. The toe stubbing rocks of anger and resentment, the stones I used to build my isolationist tower and the bricks that broke my own windows on reality, have become simple grains of sand on the beach. Irritating if they get into the crack of your ass, but gone once you've showered. Now just self evident truths without the need for justification, simply an acceptance of what's done, and another step forward. I must needs remember to sweep the sand aside every once in a while so I no longer get lost in the desert. And have a lot of showers ;)

My heart beats, I love. Always questions but no heart disease.

And then there's the clutter of stuff.
Eyes set on freedom, feet on the path, I do not need an 18 wheeler full of stuff. With the completion of my kitchen comes a sense of relief and an understanding that I actually want to sell my condo. Don't get me wrong. I love my place. It has sheltered me through almost a decade of unimagined growth and provided, unwittingly, the means for my early escape from drudgery.

I have begun to give to my children now, the material goods I was going to will to them at my death. Almost every day I give another thing away, or put one in the keep pile. More away than keep is the rule. Once the kids have all they want from what I wish to part with, I'll start with the framily. I need clear space so I will make some;)

I do find myself picking up this and that for the "need for the move" pile, and I am happy to say that it is under control. mostly.

It will take about a year I figure to get through it all, but when I'm done, I'll be ready.

ah well...

I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry ...

nope. not workin'.

Sometimes I miss that old ability to self delude.

June the 8th

Between my recent reading and my experience I have come to a crossroads where I have breeched one of the core tenets of my existence and left myself dangling in the breeze at the very very end of a knotless rope. Details are not important at this point. Hah! Nor will they be forthcoming in such a public forum.

However, the cycle of blame and shame is apparently endless when you are the target of both. A limitless spiral into the dark from which one may never rise. If it were someone else I am SURE I would have some pithy phrases or past faux pas to relate. It is purely my own garbage that is burying me.

Why can I find no compassion for myself? No forgiveness of being human and flawed?

Hmmmmm sounds a little Martyr-ish.

Perhaps I will just have to apologize to myself everytime it floats through my brain until I actually believe it.

over a month ...

since I've been here. and what a whirlwind it has been. Highlights:

~ started writing old school paper journal
~ my kitchen cupboards are fabulous and the fon-in-law has painted, now just the floor to go. MUST find Leonard.
~ a great Moose Jaw visit with my dad and the boyo
~ several birthday parties including the both the grandkids and a wedding
~ hot tub party at the growley's
~ Anarchy has returned to the flatlands and they are having a BABY!!!!!!!
~ Seth is playing baseball - go Brewers!
~ my best friend from kindergarten found me on crackbook - happy dance Cora Lynne (1 st day of school together, brownies, swimming, church, hallowe'en, we got caught playing doctor with the boys behind her garage in grade 2 Chris, Mike and Doug)
~ missing my Ivan like crazytown.
~ roadtrip to cowtown with KD & the Growley's closely followed by the karaoke crew to visit BGirl and see the Mios in action once again.
~ IKEA
~ continued clean sweeping
~ my longest held friend besides Cora Lynne passed away from cancer before her time and without ever having set foot on the island she so longed to visit. Heart hurts.
~ giving my children the stuff I was going to give them when I die, NOW. Why carry it around, or ship it when I move. Enjoy kids. I am spending their inheritance otherwise ;)
~ found out I liked vegetarian lasagna
~ is very thankful for the fluffy new pillow Deb gave me
~ is counting counting the days
~ got 4 new pair of RayBans care of my secret connection: red/white/black/lace and then she gifted me with this mango fruity diffuser scent that smells like the island
~ realized after being asked what I want for my 50th bday in October - that it's a very short list. Indecence perfume by Givenchy, gift cards to Ikea, Chapters or the Tire, and 2 gold bands for my thumbs. Oh yeah! A winning lottery ticket.
~ getting quotes on new brakes for the car
~ searching out international shippers and may or may not be brought into the country
~ my sister had a house fire - a short in the aquarium light results in $1500 in smoke damage and a hundred grand worth of damage by the firedepartment.
~ did I tell you my cupboards were magnificent?
~ has realized since reading eat pray love that she has a far better relationship with the divine than she knew,and has become much better at balancing her chi
~ got a noise violation notice care of some crabby neighbour who complained that 5 of us on the deck talking - with NO MUSIC - violated the noise bylaw (after 11)really. REALLY! It was Friday nite and as soon as she asked we went inside. Who know?
~ has almost caught up at work
~ is repotting the indoor garden
~ has regained her ghosties that have taken a 5 year hiatus
~ made plans to repaint the living room and the master bedroom
~ is doing a little stretching a little yoga a little more walking
~ getting ready for Mosaic
~ has SKD's bd party tonight, baseball tomorrow am, planting pansies at pj's round noon, wine over for the boys tomorrow afternoon, and hopefully the Indian and Jamaican pavillions at Mosaic Sat night.

Whew ... catch you later gator