what moves you?

I went to a great concert Tuesday night and was chair dancing from the first tune (no dance floor). When the music moves my soul, the rest of me follows. What truly amazed me was that halfway through the show, 90% of the people there weren't even nodding their collective heads, never mind the occasional torso twitch. Are we so afraid to allow ourselves that freedom of movement even within our own societally dictated 2 square feet of space? Or is everybody just dead inside to the music?

labour day is over

and a busy one it was with tech stops and housework and some random kitchen redesign. I now look forward to a music filled autumn and less than 2 months to my birthday and hallowed e'en. I realized 10 minutes ago that yesterday would have been my 30th anniversary if I'd stayed married the first time. funny thing that. now I celebrate my freedom anniversary every year;) times change. are you having fun yet?

...meh

I know!!!

deep thinkin' day

words from the dalai ...

" Mothers in society are the first lamas, or gurus, of compassion; our spiritual lamas come later in life. Our mothers teach us the power and value of compassion right from our birth."

and lest not forget that there are many women who do not have children of their own but are just as compassionate.

I have decided not to do the 5 on the 27th any longer.

the human capacity for stupidity is infinte. Isn't it?

change is eternal ...

the vaguaries of vanity

I love music. I used to play several instruments. Piano (still can) drums, blues bass (left handed) 1 song on the sax, and a tune on an oboe. it's been a few decades but camping made my fingers itch for a guitar.

Fancy that, I'm at my niece Autumn's birthday party and I ntice this guitar case covered in dust ... it's my neice Ashley's, and she doesn't play it anymore - never quite got into it, but she's a slammin drummer. Autums has one too. And my brother-in-law Brian is going hard on his.

Autumn lent me hers last Thursday. Hah! what a fiasco... you would have howled to see me. It's right handed and feels all backasswards. I tried turning it upside down - no go. So I settled into relearning how to play the guitar - with no pick, but I have great nails so it wasn't too awful for a rank amateur like myself. Half an hour and my fingers were killing me. I'm weak! and my nails were chipped in 2 small spots. I might have to trim my beautiful long pink nails. One of the few characteristics that I really like about my physical self. Well, maybe not - it's just the guitar.

Friday was a wash for practice - 20 minutes maybe but then Kev gave me a pick, now I was in business. G chord strum strum strum - how do I do that, which strings should I be strumming ... thank the hundred little gods for the internets. Found a How To site, with finger charts AND AV of what I should be doing - much better. Tried 5 chairs till I found one the right height, well almost. D chord strum strum strum - don't strum the 1 string - I know it has a key ... damn my nails are in the way of holding down the chords ... bend the knuckles more, can't reach the next fret for the B chord.... damn ... it's going to look really stupid with one hand of short fingernails and one long ...

Tonight I managed D G C A and I can't do F - out come the clippers and off go the nails on the left hand. Much better, I even managed a few transitions this time without the twanging caused by a too long nail in the middle.

But I love my long nails. Oh well, sport length it is. Then I realized that though I may not have to trim the right hand as short - I can hardly leavw the long Barbie nails on one hand and have Ken nails on the other ... clip clip clip - oh the TRAUMA!

but I play better. I think I'll put more shiny things n my toenails ;)

the ides of summer ...

The sky was cerulean blue on my way to work this morning step step limp.
By noon the clouds began to creep up on the horizon like the negative rumbles gathering behind my tongue.
Overcast reigns midafternoon of the ides of summer, half spent and half yet to discover.

Birthdays and birth days, engagements and weddings, graduations and vacations, and getting around to those little tasks that need to be done.
Fix that thrice bedamned dripdripdrip of the kitchen faucette and replace the elbow joint in the biffy, maybe see what the hardwood is REALLY like under that hardboard.

And last of all self revalation: note to self, do not drink white wine on the deck!
Sheesh, you'd have thought I had already figured that one out.

Leter to Vericose:

Leave my veins alone you bastard!

dk

july long

camping at madge - superb
seeing the swan clan - extraordinary
almost being nick sheloff'd - priceless

got home burnt but happy to find I am a great aunt to Hailey Brook Nordquist and she's beautiful!

perceptions

To some it may look like I'm slacking, I'm not. Quite simply situations so far beyond my control that I don't even know where the remote is, have required my attention, and I am peddling as fast as I can to get caught up. I take my word fairly seriously and I have now got 3 prromises at the very LEAST 2 days behind. As for the rest of it, I refuse to whine any more. Except about my foot, whose swelleduppedness is at least a little reduced today.

My most sincere apologies.

On the bright side, the relatives are graduated, the grands are pinataed, my camping gear is altogether (except for those pesky extra tent pegs and the insides to my campfire coffeepot).

So it's off to bear country and swimmin' in the lake this weekend with a crew of yahoos who will be up to shenanigans in no time - and I'll get to have a quick visit with some of the Manitoba cousins and say happy birthday to Uncle Wilbert too.

So I will do my 5 on the 27th early:

I can only hope that some day you will believe in yourself as steadily as I do. The tribulations you've been through have stomped you down and I'm sure there's yet a few other hurricanes to be weathered, BUT weather them you will. Inner freedom is so tantalizingly close, just grasp it and hang on.

Please realize that you almost died and that it frightened the rest of us as much as it frightened you. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE take better care of yourself. I am so proud that you graduated your grade 12, and I DO know how much work it is to go back to finish. I did it too.

I believe that you will make a fabulous dad. I know your drive to be a better parent will see you through, just remember to gentle it with patience and compassion.

May you travel as far as you want and take lots of pictures for your anti. Hopefully I'll make it to the Himalayas before you do. Viva l'ecole finiter!

You sir, are an A number one asshole. Self centered, abusive, and violent I almost wish I was big enough to thoroughly kick your ass. I cannot think of anyone else that drives me to anger faster, I have no idea how your mom does it.

Friday the 13th

My lucky day, or at least the day when I come full circle once more. At least this time it only took 7 years ;) And at this very moment, it is not raining;)
cheers

A letter to the rain:

Dear infinite numbers of the earth's tears,

Fuck off till Friday would you?


Sincerley,
Gettin' Mouldy

just about thursday .

Delayed gratification,that sweet slow burn of conflicted desire warring with the conscious knowledge that you do not have to wait.
How strong are you?
You are how strong?
How strong do you really want to be?
Frame of reference?
Really?

Are you sure?
I am.
Or am I?

I know ...

wow am I behind

no excuses.
I've been busy.
I do have 2 entries stored as drafts if that counts?
AND I missed the 5 on the 27th, which I will get caught up on this week! Can you imagine me trying to do 365 ... the only thing I do religiously everyday is wake up.

2 more days

2 more days 2 more days 2 more days

deepest respects

To the 2 mothers I know that lost their children this week, my heartfelt sympathies. Terrible to lose a child in their twenties with all of that potential, simply tragic. Losing an adult child, especially so far from home, with no real idea of what has happened must be devastating as well.

Words are just not enough when hearts are broken.

spring is sprung

After an evening of fun and frivolity, great chants to the mother goddess, and a fruitful spreading of libations to one and all, another successful pole dancing day came to a glorious and blurry end;) May it bring upon us all a lovely spring, a hot but balanced summer, and an autumn of agrarian bliss.
The moon wanes yet my spirits continue to rise like homemade bread in a warm kitchen. My kids are doing well for themselves, my job is back to normal, and my new -good for the feet - shoes are also good for my posture AND my soul. Begone dastard socks ne'er to darken my drawer with fuzzy bits til the passing of all hallowed e'en.
Unless it gets cold camping....
My friend Clouds is home for a bit and my heart did a little happy dance to see him while it wailed its distress at a missing abigail & smyrysh. Sami will be home soon from Aussie land and the twins will soon be back on the happy deck. Bren brother enjoy the southern exposure but forget us not on dance nite.
My weekend with the granddotter was supercalifrajilistically spectacular. Shop till you drop, fashion and perfumery, several trips to the park, out for supper and a sunny sunday brunch. Ye gods but it's great to be 8 years old!

happy pole dancing day

Oh happy day the first of May!
My DO tomorrow and Thirstday today.
Load up your bowers with flowers.
Celebrate a wonderful tradition and find your pole and dance the dance of spring and fecundity.

All hail - it may snow but winter is officially dead!

And the magic orange bags arrived yesterday ... I can see the deck at the end of the tunnel ;) and smell that alluring perfume of spilled ale and cigarette butts spreading across the sidewalk on a 30 degree day, with the occasionally blast of exhaust fumes ... heaven on earth;)

5 on the 27th

Susan G: you were my strange girlie friend who introduced me to free form dance and taught me that if you really wanted something, you could go out and make it happen. You were sad though and bruised and I always wondered if it was your invisible dad or your crazy Elvis obsessed brother. He sure had a whack of records.

Karen W: I loved going to your house, your mom was forever cooking and your bangs were as crooked as mine. I still have a scar on my neck where I almost strangled myself on the high school tennis net support wire. Note to self - do not play running tag in an area with grey wires at neck height at dusk.

Amy R: You had the most beautiful long curly strawberry blonde hair and you hated that your face was covered in freckles. You always smelled of lilac. You were so angry that Art got a crush on me and that I wouldn't dump Tomy for him. Tommy's dad looked like Tom Jones;)

Janelle R: You taught me how to successfully lie by avoidance. Snooper the cat had lived at my house for a year before my dad figured out she was a girl. My parents just didn't even consider that I would lie about such a thing. Hah! Snooper lived with us for 8 years until she was mauled by a loose dog. She was my best friend when I had none across 3 provinces. Thank you.

Kathleen M: Our little sisters were friends and we met during a fist fight on the school grounds coming to our sisters defense. Your house was a nest of wonderful surprises and your mom was so soft spoken. I think you were the first person I knew from a single parent home, even though no one talked about it, out loud.

dirty little secrets

Everyone has one, that nastiest of all personal bits of decrepitude. You know. Don't you? That sometimes quirky, sometimes cute, but most often disgusting personal habit. Perhaps something that ONLY YOU notice. That's right, and I'm not just speaking to the generally delusional here either.
Your studied nonchalance as you ... unobtrusively of course ... check your teeth in the mirror 230 degrees off the port bow - and then with all of the elegance of a stork in quicksand, flick it out of your teeth with a nailtip to sail all unknowing into someone's hair. Oblivious you are.
Quietly curled over your prei dieux, hands clasped in prayer as you nibble away the tiny uneven bits remaining after the nail has been masticated, while others hail your piety. Only you know.
Heart attack in progress jolting awake thumb surreptitiously dragged across the coverlet as you reach for the lamp. Internal voices singing the litany,"Did anyone see me? Is there drool on my face, on the pillow...?"
Wading through 5 o'clock traffic, peaceful isolation of your car. Dry air, cold, humidity, heat all common excuses for that insolent itch. "I'm alone, no one can see me" ... more a pick than a flick. Neither a kleenex nor a take-away napkin to be found.
Always hungry constant search for sustenance, protein, haaccchhhh! Don't you just love hairballs?
Please keep the toe & finger nails off the floor, out of the ashtray and out of the crack in your ass.
Toe jam is gross - wherever it is.

However, yours eyes are not disappearing into the baked wastelands of sunworn valleys, those are beauty marks not age spots, and all feet are not ugly to everyone.

Hmmm - not really sure where that came from, it must be Thursday.

new toys

My how time flies when you're banging your head on the desk/floor/wall. But it feels so good when you stop ;) It took me a couple of days but I did manage, without any extraneous assistance to hook up all the electronics including the surround sound and get it all to work. Yay ME! Bigger Yay for the tuneage. Now I can watch TV and crackbook on the commercials from the comfort of my sofa.

That would be next on the list. Now I need to build a 10" base to raise the seating some and then recover the couch and maybe add some stuffing to the cushiony bits. And Abigail is going to give me whatever leftover Tangerine crush she has left so there might just be enough to cover my tub chair in the office... where is that staplegun?

The knee is great. The plague has mostly passed, just a remnant of the hacking cough. Electrolysis has already sent half the black stubblies to whisker heaven, though the white ones are the most determined to keep living. Call me Santa! I have delivered on the birthday promises and thanks to my daughter - who called and told me Lenny Kravitz is coming to the Brandt center October 30 (3 days after my bday) - I HAVE FLOOR TICKETS!!!! so I think me and the dotter will be rockin out for my 47th bday. It will be a blast.
I checked the Calendar and the 30th is a Thursday payday with the 31st - best holiday of the year on a DO Friday. WHO HOO.
Life gets better.

aptronym ...

I've heard of synonyms, homonyms, seudonymns and antonyms, but never an aptronym.

An aptronym is a name "aptly" suited to it's owner. For example, Lord Brain who was a neurosurgeon. Slim Pickins who was both slim and a tremendous "picker". Fictitious names like "Mr. Worldly" or "Mr. Talkative".

Perhaps in the spirit of aptronymory I should change my last name to "Rambler". Mind you my real last names "from the North" which is apt all on its own.

I got new toys from FShop yesterday - let the geekdom reign!

Powered By Limousines For Rent



MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! go classics! thanks to Abigail and Neil

another bumpy hump day

Alrighty then, so it might have been a cold, a flue, the plague or I may have poisoned myself (doc thinks allergy related). No way to tell until I'm better and then I can try my herbal goodness once again (when I have a 3 day weekend to blow - just in case). If I get the same reaction after the 1st day, I'll have to give it up.... and it looked so goood to me.

I'm still choked up occasionally, but I think I'm past the drag the dingo through dirt exhausted portion.

I really need to clean my room.

I want things to be better for my kids and my friends who are sick and/or descrepit.

COME BACK SUNSHINE!!!!!

aaahhhhh. ok, better now

whiny day

I missed 2 days at work, on my FIRST fulltime week back after surgery.
I don't get to see the grands because I might be catching.
I missed going to a show with the girls Wed. nite
I missed dinner out last nite.
I will be missing Nick's bday party tonight at this rate.
I might even have to miss church tomorrow (the choir does not appreciate being continually interupted and it's nigh impossible to be singin')

It began when it started to rain Wed nite. Sinus release until thurs am with HUGE freaking headache. And the coughing ... by the hundred little gods ... till I vomit! Worst when I first get up. No particular chest congestion that I can tell. Allergy medication does nothing, nor does ventilin or the crap the doc gave me to replace the prednezone when I had pneumonia. Hot liquids seem to ease it for a bit, but not for long. Cough medicines do nothing - yet there it still is the tickle in the back of the throat and a dry cough kind of like when I walk by the dry cleaners (huge allergy to their chemicals). constantly. aarrrggghhhhhhhh!

At least today I don't feel quite so exhausted.

I am SO fucking tired of being sick, I eat healthy, I've been exercizing more, I take my vitamins, I avoid sick people when at all possible ... WTF!!!!

rant yell kick scream cough pound head on wall cough cry wail bemoan cough snivel vent whine cough ....

hack hack ...

choke spit ... #@$!%& allergies. (i think)

still good ;)

change is eternal ...

good news day ...

I am starting to feel not so icky, and I am quite thankful that I did not not get really ill - which I will attribute to my faithfully getting a flu shot for the last 4 years. Most of the people that I know that got caught in the last round of the plague were very sick for a minimum of 4 days. Really sick. Me, I was not very hungry, tired and low grade fever. I have been feeling fairly well since round lunchtime. YAHOO!!!!
And ...
This is close to the end of the 2nd full day back to work and ahhhhhhhh, I am so grateful to be one of those who truly enjoys their job.
And ...
Both my mortgage insurance and my banker came through with payments today - less than a week check it out! Not a lot, but now I don't feel like I'm paying that insurance for nothing and I know that should I need it, it is not to difficult to set in motion(very important).
And ... my health insurance called to tell me that they have now received everything they need and hopefully I will be getting the $$ for physio and prescriptions back by the weekend (not holding my breath).

Now if I can just get the $$ for the doctor's forms, which I've been told will take at least a few more weeks (4 already), I will have dealt with all the odds and sods left over from the knee surgery. The knee is great by the way and now I completely understand "gellin"... love those insoles.

So it's off to met Debs at the pub for a pint to celebrate such a wonderful day, and most likely see several more of my friends while we're there. Life is goody good good.

the sunday serenade

A frenetic and freeloading fraturday followed by a down to home weekend with visits from the girls and the grands. Confirmations on plans for Pavlo next weekend, so looking forward to it (flamenco guitar and cock6tails with the ladies).

Lots of walking completed, over 2.5 Km Thursday when I accidentally reset the counter. Did about 16 blocks on Friday. Saturday was about 26 AND several flights of slow stairs. Sunday I just toured the block a couple of times, though I had been keeping up with Devi for a while by then. I know it doesn't sound like much but after a few weeks of 0 Km ...

Devi woke up this morning not feeling well, a little pukey and develpoed a low fever before her parents picked her up. By about 2 I started to feel a tad peaked so I went and laid down for a "nap". I woke at 6:30 to the phone, which promptly hung up once I reached it. A little chicken soup, a hot shower, finish the mail and it's back to bed for me. I would way rather avoid this crap if I can.


Talk to ya'll in a few days.

sound pollution

Another shot poured and sunk, another step closer to unconsciousness. Seeking the numb quiet of silence. Peace. Every minute deflecting random attacks at linear time, clocks ticking away hour-long seconds. Scenes shifting midthought, playing destructo with logic patterns. Raging arguements trapped in the skull ... all yours. Filterless and staggering under the onslaught of everyday volumes, a constant distraction. That nasty hum from the flourescents, the ping of a dozen computers, 3 different tunes and several conversations all bounced into your dull beige cubicle brain.

Where was I?

No wonder I talk to my plants.

perceptions

Heel scritches the curbway.
Vertiginous jolt and stumble, barely recovered.
Head snaps, hair swings and vertabrae crackle.
Did anyone see me?

"We did."
Park kids poking sticks.
Woman caged by her body's obsolescence.
Afraid that response evokes pack instinct.
Survey the threat and head drops, slump-shouldered in utter defeat.
She shuffles away.

A corner turned, harsh laugh barks through silent tears.
Head up, subservience sloughed as water on steel.
Photographic memory is a wondferful thing she tells the constable.

april the deuce

I am finally getting back to some sort of "normal" schedule. Well I still don't sleep a hell of a lot, but I'm fairly sure that I have already made up for that over the last few months. I have managed to catch up with a lot of my friends the past week and even though you know you missed them, you don't really Know you MISSED them till you see them again. It make sme happy.

It is weird to only be working afternoons, but I will be back to the regular hours come Monday and that will be even better. It is way easier to eat breakfast when I get up early for work and then I'm actually hungry at lunch-time, not 2 in the pm and 10 o'clock at night.

off to bed to stare at the ceiling, have a great hump day!

(fraturday is the day after)

April fool's

I decided not to torment anyone this morning;)

5 on the 27th : girlfriends

We used to be such great friends until you hermitized yourself away. I'm sorry I could not be everything you needed me to be. I've tried to call but you changed your cell number and have no landline. I cannot find your address to write you a letter. I miss you.

You make me want to smile and dance every time I see you. You have this open handed generosity that supercedes that of everyone I have ever known. Your ups and downs and continual questioning let me know that it's okay to be confused sometimes. You throw a great freaking party! Just remember that you do need to take time for yourself once in a while. smooches.

Your smile can brighten up the whole place when you let it out. Your sense of the absurd is delicious and makes me laugh. You remind me of myself 15 years ago. Don't work too hard, money is great but we do have to have a few limits. Did you know that you have this precious little gurgle in your laugh that triggers laughter in others? Thanks.

Your adaptability and inner strength are amazing, yet you perceive yourself as weak? Love is a wonderful and betimes nasty hook into other peoples lives and none of us can be everything to everyone. You wit matches your intelligence and your writing is amazing. Watching you get trampled by uncaring bastards drives me crazy but you manage to keep poking your head up through the grunge and carry on. Intestinal Fortitude you have in spades my fried. You make me appreciate life more.

Well Miss Sunshine you are quite simply a "lovely gel". Your sense of honour appeals to me. Your love of music and need to belong to a community is a wonderful thing. You are such a GREAT mom, never doubt it. Whenever I see you the intervening time just swooshes away and my day is always brighter for your appearance. Woot!

la la la loverly ...

the sun wa sshining, the wind below a gale ... my knee didn't give out on the way to work. There were only 2 letters waiting for me and a bunch of people who took the time to come and say hi, and that they were glad I was back. Apparently it has ben vewy vewy qwiet. I felt so good after getting through the 475 emails in my mailbox that I decided to attempt to purchase a new pair of jeans ( a situation that Abigail would surely understand). I determined a budget of $150 for a pair of walking shoes suitable for work, a new top and a pair of jeans.

I came home with a pair of jeans, a smashing pair of chocolate brown velvet brushed cords, 4 tops (3 with sparklies and one beribboned & reembroidered), 2 pair of pretty panties, a pair of black walking shoes and a some vintage looking white shades, for less than $150. So I treate dmyself to lunch and a pint with the change.

happy happy dayliola ...

trepidatious ...

Why can I not find a single thing to wear on my first day back to work (BIG YAY) in 2 months? I have all the same clothes I had when I went off work. I weigh only 7 or 8 pounds lighter - which is nothing. I have included some spring themed wardrobe pieces put away for the winter of which my friends remind me, I mostly missed the worst (little yay.) I am not happy with any of my choices. This is probably fall out from too many episodes of waht not to wear. Pant or skirt, hmmm visions of razors, we'll go with pants. Jeans or dress pants, jeans are warmer and it's still a little chilly out there and it does take me a little longer to walk to work. Now... blouse, t-shirt, sweater, hoody or jacket? Too many choices and I realized through the hunt that I need A. a new bra B. a new pair of jeans and C. new walking shoes. AND a haircut. Just where did I put that money tree?

Why on Thursday last when I had figured out what I would wear, did I not realize A,B & C?

This would be one of my reasons for needing to get back to work. Staying at home you become rather insular, you lose grip with current events and get lost in the round of day to day housework and grocery lists and appointments etc. I feel like my brain has been sort of in a holding pattern at too high an altitude. But my knee feels pretty good.

So I want to go back to work, yet at the same time time I worry if I will be able to keep up. Something has snapped. It's like someone created a slow leak in the "passion for life" tank and the gasket goop I've been applying is just not cutting the mustard. I never felt a lack of confidence about my job before. The job hasn't changed. My skills may be a bit rusty but they're there. WTF?

so right now I am trepidatious.

what to do...

Spring is in the air and apparently it found the dk motivator switch OR she finally got so bored she seriously started looking for things to do. Not even reading can grab her attention for more than 20 minutes or so.
On St Paddy's day my doctorola gave me the green to go back to work next Tuesday. BIG FREAKING YAY! I'm sure that helped the getupandgogo levels.

All the plantage has been debrided of its detritus and some moved to better views.
I not only installed two shelves that I couldn't put in the bathroom (hollow 100 year old gumbo and wire grill walls)in the living room window but actually REMEMBERED there was a third and got it happening as well.
Quite smashing, they are shiny stainless steel rounded bars. As I was searching in the closet of projects that had gone to hell, I also found the lovely matching swing arm towel rack ... same wall support issue ... I was thinking laundry hanger, hanger, plant hanger that will let me hang plants in the obtuse angle in the living room without attempting to drill the cement slab ceiling that is underneath more 100 year old plaster (you can just see the disaster shaping up there can't you?).
Dusting and sweeping were commenced on Wednesday last and as I look down my hardwood hallway today I wonder why I bothered.
I have gone for a short walk every day.I can do 2 flights of stairs before the knee starts to pull from strain, I actually managed to do laundry today and that's 2 flights 6 times with an hour rest between - not so bad - but that's it for the stairs today. I certainly won't be doing the watusi any time soon.
The bathroom elbow joint is still dripping however, and I think the tub tap is on it's way there as well.
Going the the dotter's tonight to do eggs and take pictures of tomorrow's bunny madness, and turkey dinner ... mmmmm.

Hoppy Bunny Day to all.

and now it's 6:15

hmmmm - time to make coffee - tried to go to bed again, even tried reciting the multiplication x5 tables (works for a friend of mine) but no shut eye for this cat. I did however note that there are 3 drill holes from my last futile attempts at installing hooks and plant hangers that I need to fill. (never mind plaster, the beams are cement over huge wood timbers and some tough unknown shit from 1914), right under the layer of plaster. Even a cement bit wouldn't chew through it.

Then I also noticed that I had not finished the painting effect in the bedroom because I am not yet stable on a ladder. Then it was on to I should reorganize all my furniture (too heavy to do alone and will wake up the downstairs neighbours), and the various configurations possible, none of which pleased me. I know! I'll paint the other 2 walls and the ceiling ... hmmm what shade of yellow should I use now, something lighter I think (currently buddha gold)and then it was back to the ladder thing. Which of course led my brain to my terminally cabinetless kitchen and then off to dream cabinets.dk with oak and punched tin and my new sink that's been in my clost for 4 years now (at least I got the taps installed last year). And cabinets and deep pot drawers and counterspace ... just a minute ...
What is that noise? Oh yes the new drip in the tub faucet ...

You can see how useful that exercize was. Onward ho, it's Saturday.

3 am

So here it is.almost 3 in the morning and I am awake and not tired at all - again. Not tired but the brain is in a frenzy tired. Not caffeine (only 2 cups today) or sugar (I don't eat sugar though those Easter chocolates are lookin' pretty tasty) wired tired. Not I've been up so long I can't shut down tired. Just plain awake. My mind is calm, I'm a little hungry, I'm not particularly stressed but apparently tonight I do not need sleep. I want to sleep. I spent 2 hours lying with my eyes closed waiting for sleep to come and visit. But no.

I'm sure I will be tired when I take the boneshaker to visit my son's new apartment. In fact somewhere along Albert Street I expect I will start doing the nod and pray to the hundred little gods that I do not miss my stop (Has happened several times). And I am sure that I will be even more tired by tomorrow afternoon. In fact if I can manage it I will be so tire tomorrow night from trying to stay awake so that I can sleep Saturday night, that I will then become too tired and will find myself in the same predicament as I do now (worst case scenario).

And by the way - naps don't work either. If I nap for less than an hour I just want to go back to sleep. If I nap for 3 hours, my body thinks it's morning when I get up. At this rate when I'm 70 I'll only be sleeping 3 hours a day/night whatever - like it will matter - I'll be 70 and do what I want when I want.

Not bad managed to stay focused for a whole 17 minutes. I think I will go read a book.

100

This year if I add up my kids and my ages it equals 100 years of accumulated ... what, wisdom? Hah! I think I'll go with cumulative experience.

Bit of a sprain in the ligament on the side of my knee. Thank you bathtub. Everyone thought it was strong enough ... not quite. I have managed to walk 4 blocks sans the cane - BIG progress as far as I'm concerned - it's always falling down and getting in the way. They should make a telescoping cane with more tensile strength so you can fold it up when you are seated. Like the white canes for the blind, only stronger. I've spoken to a fair number of elderly people in my shuffles to the store and we all think it's a grand idea. Someone please run with it ... heh heh.

life sucks

it's gravity's fault.

5x20 questions

In lieu of any brilliant discussion I will take Madame Diva's lead and answer 100 misc. questions about myself. Thank you Diva baby, cause the brain is about dead.


1. How old will you be in five years?
51

2. Who did you spend at least two hours with today?
Myself, we all had a great time.

3. How tall are you?
I used to be 5'7" but apparently gravity and centrifugal force are not my friends and I have shrunk to 5' 6 1/2"

4. What do you look forward to most in the next six weeks?
Having a knee that works, a leg that supports me and getting back to work.

5. What's the last movie you saw?
The Bucket List - laugh till you cry and then laugh through the tears.

6. Who was the last person you called?
Mandy, my dotter.

7. Who was the last person to call you?
Chris for Murray's new number.

8. What was the last text message you received?
Rod crackbooked me one "That's beatiful" about a limmerick I wrote the other day.

9. Who was the last person to leave you a voicemail?
Paul, Deb's son about last minute moving arrangements.

10. Do you prefer to call or text?
I do not text, but I email.

11. What were you doing at 12am last night?
In the shower.

12. Are your parents married/separated/divorced?
Divorced when I was 14 and both remarried.

13. When is the last time you saw your mom?
Over 15 years ago at her funeral, or her picture right by the phone at least 10 times a day.

14. What color are your eyes?
Blueish to greenish depends on what I'm wearing and how I'm feeling.

15. What time did you wake up today?
6 and went backto sleep until 7:45

16. What are you wearing right now?
My favorite jammies

17. What song are you listening to right now?
Iggy Pop - Shades.

18. Where is your favorite place to be?
On the beach/deck.

19. Where is your least favorite place to be?
Lawyer's.

20. Where would you go if you could go anywhere?
Lhasa, Kathmandu, Daramsala, Bangkok, Bora Bora, Bali, the South Pacific, Australia, China, Japan, Jerusalem, Amsterdam, British Isles.

21. Where do you think you'll be in 10 years?
Making retirement travel plans and at My grandotter's grade 12 grad.

22. Where is your cellphone?
Gone gone gone - I only like them when I want to use them.

23. What did you fear was going to get you at night as a child?
I didn't, I had an imaginary friend that kept watch.

24. What was the last thing that really made you laugh?
Robin's last comment on crackbook. I laugh alot.

25. How many TVs do you have in your house?
1 - Living room.

26. How big is your bed?
Big enough ;)

27. Do you have a laptop or desktop computer?
Multiples.

28. Do you sleep with or without clothes on?
Living alone naked, with room mates - Tshirt or jammies

29. What color are your sheets?
French floral.

30. How many pillows do you sleep with?
1 body pillow, 4 reg pillows and 2 peach softy chenille pillows that my grandkids and my son are always trying to nab.

31. What is your favorite season?
Summertime ... an the livin' is eeeasyyyyy.

32. What do you like about fall?
My birthday and hallowe'en.

33. What do you like about winter?
Irish coffee and fireplaces.

34. What do you like about the summer?
Heat and the deck.

35. What do you like about spring?
Packing away the socks.

36. How many states/provinces have you lived in?
3 - Sk, Mb, Ont for the most part.

37. What cities/towns have you lived in?
Winnipeg Brandon Fort Frances Neilberg Estevan Regina Saskatoon (and a couple of weeks each in a variety of others)

38. Do you prefer shoes, socks, or bare feet?
bare feet. I got to wear bare feet 4 times in February - WHOO HOO. Just be sure to moisturize.

39. Are you a social person?
I am a social butterfly.

40. What was the last thing you ate?
Vanilla yogurt - Activia.

41. What is your favorite restaurant?
The one at the Bali Hilton.

42. What is your favorite ice cream?
Mayan CHocolate - Hagen Das

43. What is your favorite dessert?
dkz death by chocolate cheesecake and donnakayke which is this frozen lemony cream pound cake that tastes like lemon merengue pie, homemade fisheye pudding and buttertart pie.

44. What is your favorite kind of soup?
Homemade. Seafood chowder especially with giant scallops.

45. What kind of jelly do you like on your PB & J sandwich?
Homemade raspberry.

46. Do you like Chinese food?
Real or North Americanized? I do not like chicken feet.

47. Do you like coffee?
Dark and thick.

48. How many glasses of water, a day, do you drink on average?
6-8

49. What do you drink in the morning?
A glass of water, Sunrype fruit and veggie juice, then coffee.

50. What was the name of your first pet?
It was a rabbit, and I don't know (3years) and then a pony (also don't know)

51. Do you sleep on a certain side of the bed?
I sleep all over the bed.

52. Do you know how to play poker?
Yup.

53. Do you like to cuddle?
Don't you?

54. Have you ever been to Mexico?
Alas I have yet to make it to Senor Frog's.


55. Do you have an addictive personality?
Oh yeah, start with coffee and chocolate.

56. Do you eat out or at home more often?
Home, I cook.

57.Where is #57?
On the Heinz 57 steak sauce bottle.


58. Do you know anyone with the same birthday as you?
Only one.

59. Do you want kids?
Not yours, do you want mine?

60. Do you speak any other languages?
English, pigdin, drunkish alittle French, a soupcon of italian and I know how to swear in swedish gaelic german hindi parsi and chinese. Love languages.

61. Have you ever gotten stitches?
Last ones were for my knee surgery in January.

62. Have you ever ridden in an ambulance?
Yes, after a car accident when I was 15.

63. Do you prefer an ocean or a pool?
Ocean

64. Do you prefer a window seat or an aisle seats?
Plane-window, anything else the aisle.

65. Do you know how to drive stick?
Yup.

66. What is your favorite thing to spend money on?
My grnads and my friends and electronica.

67. Do you wear any jewelry 24/7?
My earrings, 8 of them anyhow.

68. What is your favorite TV show?
Toss up, if there's dancing singing or humour involved ... and my guilty secret "What Not To Wear"

69. Can you roll your tongue?
Oh yeah!

70. Who is the funniest person you know?
That's a toughie because the crew I hang with are pretty hilarious.

71. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?
tNo, unless the grandkids are over, they bring their own.

72. What is the main ring tone on your phone?
It's a wall phone, it sounds like a phone.

73. Do you still have clothes from when you were little?
All gone.

74. What red object is closest to you right now?
The Official Scrabble dictionary.

75. Do you turn off the water while you brush your teeth?
yes, until I rinse.

76. Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed?
Doesn't matter.

77. Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of bees?
A bear, I have a better chance of getting away.

78. Do you flirt a lot?
Not really.

79. What do you dip a chicken nugget in?
I don't eat them, but chicken fingers get mayo.

80. What is your favorite food?
Seafood, wild meat and creamy sauces.

81. Do you know how to change the oil in a car?
Yes, I used to do my owncar maintenance.

82. Have you ever gotten a speeding ticket?
Yes 2. One they threw out and the other I worked bingos to pay off.

83. Have you ever run out of gas?
Sure when I shared a car.

84. What is your usual bedtime?
What is usual?

85. What was the last book you read?
A feast for crows: Gearge Martin

86. Do you read the newspaper?
At work, otherwise I get news from TV or online. I like trees.

87. Do you have any magazine subscriptions?
The Ikea annual catalog

88.Where is #88?
Right here.

89. Do you watch soap operas?
no

90. Do you dance in the car?
Everwhere.

91. What radio station did you last listen to?
The community radio station on the net, but I can't remember the call letters

92. Who's in the picture frame closest to you?
Framed, my grandkids, unframed Einstein.

93. What was the last note you scribbled on a piece of paper?
There once was a lonely olf witch
Whose fingers had a terrible itch
She soaked and bemoaned them
Honed and beboned them
and now she's a witch of a bitch.(I know, still inprogress)

94. What is your favorite candle scent?
Gardenia

95. What is your favorite board game?
Come on, only one - how about a theme: wordgames

96.Where is #96?
She left when agent 99 did

97. When was the last time you attended church?
About 6 weeks ago, before I had the knee fixed.

98. Who was your favorite teacher in high school?
Mr. Brown - the best "think out of the box" art teacher

99. What is the longest you have ever camped out in a tent?
About 10 days - much fun.

100. Who was the last person to do something extra special for you?
Renee who brought me this beeYOOtiful scarf and let me beat her at scrabble.

possibilities:

The Tv actually made me think. One of my favorite topics for discussion, how do you get into heaven ... if there is one? Inevitably someone gets passionate about their belief. Reaction intensity seems to be a reflection of that which one believes and describes what is truly the priority for that person.

One Ancient Egyptian belief was that at death one presented oneself at the "Gates of Heaven" and entry was dependent upon the lately alive's response to two simple questions:
1. Have you found joy in your life?
2. Has your life brought joy to others?
I really like those questions. What a brilliant way to value a life well lived.
Hmmmm...

5 on the 27th: children (late - bygones ;)

1. I see you attempting to make your life sustainable and you make me proud. Every wandering step taken towards independence puts you that much closer to your goals. Well most of the time, but 2 steps forward and 1 back still takes you forward. Sometimes the path to your goals seems unending and fraught with roadblocks, they are not insurmountable. Remember, I love you all ways and always.

2. You treat your mother with less respect than a nonsmoker for a cigarette butt flicked randomly out the window from a passing vehicle, and then cry the blues when your life tumbles once again into the abyss of your own addictions and self-delusion. You scream and cry like a five year old child demanding assistance without once considering the feelings or other responsibilities of those trying to provide you with a solution. You are a bitter and twisted soul and need to realize that your answers are inside yourself should you ever find the cohones to wade into that valley of personal darkness. You believe you are the center of the universe, get over yourself, you're not that important.

3. You can only be the best mom you can be and you are a good one. You participate in every facet of their lives and seek to instill ethical values that will allow them to reach their greatest potential. You KNOW that the structure you are attempting to provide will stand them in good stead in the future. You love them and they see it in your words and actions, and though they may not appreciate limitations now, they will in 20 years or so. Just remember you cannot be everything, yet you are everything to them and to me.

4. Undemanding and unpretentious you plug along and are now beginning to reap the rewards of your own efforts. You have succeeded in completing the first few hurdles and now reach for the unknown future with heart and mind. While it is good to reference the past for lessons learned, do not let it way lay your intentions, and keep your eyes on the path in front of you. When I think of you and all you have and will achieve it makes me smile. Remember that your mommy loves you as do I.

5. You hold onto past history like a dog worrying a favorite bone. Then in all of your righteous glory but without any corroborating FACT, you assume an act was not only purposeful but premeditated. After maligning my character with others, over a month later you still had not breathed one word of your discomfort to me, nor given me a chance to explain. To ice the cake you ignore my apology and in doing so treat me as if I am less than nothing. Please just ask yourself WHY would I do such a thing, I do not treat people like that.

overprocessing

Have you ever seen the Movie "My Girl?" It was made before McCauley's ego got the better of him. A corny but poignant story of a little girl lost. I've seen it several times and every single time my eyes leak, my heart cracks and sadnees creeps in on its silent deadly little feet.
My granddotter (7 almost 8) came for a sleepover tonight and brought two movies, "My Girl" and "Little Mermaid 2". She wanted to watch My Girl, and I was all for Little Mermaid 2. I didn't want to watch My Girl, actually I just did not want to ride the emotional roller coaster but there was simply no swaying her. She loves that movie and it doesn't make her cry. I don't get it.
At the age of 7 she would rather watch a story about an 11 year old girl (Veda) whose mom died just 2 days after she was born and is afraid that she is the one who killed her, who lives with her dad the mortician who prepares dead people in the basement and is more comfortable with them than live people, her grandma whose mind has wandered off alone and belts out 30s torch songs randomly, whose crush on her teacher is revealed and immediately destroyed on the same day her best friend is buried, when the last thing she did to her best friend was push him down and tell him off because she just got her first period...
Though it does end fairly well it amazes me that themes of loss and fear engage my granddotter so. After I sat down and thought about it, I realized that she cannot possibly see what I do in the movie as she does not have MY life experience, she's only 7. What she probably sees is best friends, bike rides and tree climbing, a family that cares and a new mom for Veda. Then maybe she sees a little about how to deal with loss and that death is a part of life.
So I asked her this morning what it was about the movie that she loved so much.

Direct quote, "Veda is so cool and she lives in a house with her dead mother and grandma who sings any time she feels like it."

My lesson in over processing relates to the difference between innocence and experience and how as adults we just make things too complicated.

leftovers

My knee keeps itching on the outside which it should not be doing at this point. I took a loofa to it in the shower (no baths yet as I don't think I'll be able to get up and out) and lo and behold what do I find? A white surgical stitch embedded in the skin. Now they told me that the stitches were dissolving ones - really. However I did rip a stitch out when I woke up before they got the throat tube out, at which point I ENTIRELY freaked right out on the table since I thought I was suffocating/dying and was trying to yell arms waving and pull tubes and get off the table and trying to kick people - and it apparently took 3 people to hold me down until they could get some more sleepy juice into my system.
The point being that this must be the emergency fix it up stitch that I have found. Today is 1 month since the surgery and neither doctors, surgeons nor physiotherapists (ALL who have had a better view of my knee up close and personal) ever mentioned having to have it removed. After a consultation with the professor it was off to the medicinal cabinetry, find the puller outers and with a few good yanks, voila, I set it free.
I need to get out of this house. It's been a rough couple of days and I need to see some sunshine. Handy cane and I, along with the professor are going out to find some sunshine, maybe share a greasewheel and ponder the magnificence of the bubbles at the bottom of a genius. It has been too long.

witsend ... & it wasn't a long trip

I thought I had it together.
The body is healing well albeit slowly. The financial house is gaining relative order, also going slowly. The weightloss is following suit. I am still in the process of stopping smoking - more like a "slowdown" there as well. Hmmm sounds like a theme.
Today it seemed like hours were minutes and that months and years had simply flashed by without notice. Have you ever noticed that when loss is imminent everything except your focus comes to a semi standstill? Conversations lapse midstream as your concentration falters. A ringing phone puts your heart into your mouth so you can barely choke out hello. Surrounded by your friends you find yourself transmogrified to a a great lump of useless nothing on a dark grey plain, anchorless with an endless expanse of quicksand awaiting your solitary steps, but not for long.
One of the voices within urging for optimistic "It'll be okay", with Baal's nasty sprite chuckling behind his grubby little paw "for now..." Torn between the morbid anticipation of pain to come and the release of loss.
Strident laughter false and twisted, meaningless smiles meant to sooth or comfort, and the bitter truth that it is a selfish goad that prods those sore spots nurtured over decades. I want I need. Self-recrimination " I should have could have," but did not. Questions gnawing for release at the back of your throat, bile almost thrusting them into a public forum before you will have to live with them unanswered.
Self-control that brightest of virtues and most virulent measure of self-immolation. The burning drive to keep the lid on a boiling emotional cauldron knowing that you are burning yourself in order to protect others from suffering an eruption of your repressed rage.

And it's only a maybe. wtf.

winter wonderland

... so long as you aren't trying to drive a vehicle or walk anywhere Hah! By the hundred little gods it's white out there. At least the temperature isn't too bad though it'll be frosty tonight and tomorrow.

Damn, I have to be at the hospital tomorrow at 8am to do the post-op with my surgeon ... think I better put in a time call for the taxi this evening.

I had run out of several grocery items and determined that I would make a foray to the grocery store this morning. Stretch the knee a bit you know. DUMB DUMB DUMB. By the time I had worked my way to the frozen food section I wanted to grab a bag of peas and duct tape them to my knee. I also discovered that it is extremely difficult to determine where curbs are, even WITH the cane, when there is 12 inches of snow covering everything. Oh yes, and just how did I think I was getting the freaking bags up the stairs ???? so I paid the cab driver to do it, though he grumbled all the way about not being a delivery service, at least they made it to the house and I could drag them down the longhall to the kitchen.

The savory scent of home made spaghetti sauce is wafting through the office now, and it is making me hungry. Patience, it needs to simmer a few hours to be really tasty.

Happy Valentine's Day to y'all

savia's revenge ;)

In return for tagging my friend Saviabella with the 7 strange or weird list she has tagged me with the following:
Pick up the nearest book at least 123 pages in length. Go to page 123, find the 5th sentence and post the next 3 sentences.

Selected Prose: T.S.Eliot
The 6th sentence begins on page 123, included its entirety;
"One is when we isolate him, when we try to understand the rules of his own game, adopt his own point (end of page, flipping to 124), of view; the other, perhaps less usual, is when we measure him by outside standards, most pertinently by the standards of language and of something called Poetry, in our own language and in the whole history of European literature.

All good things for the Savia as she undergoes jaw surgery in toontown! Now I am off to Tag some others and spread the wealth.

Abigail
That girl
Pop Culture Sculpture
FlowerGirl
Schmutzie

7 random or weird things about the wench

my friend schmutzie tagged me with this

The rules are as follows:

Link to the person who tagged you

Post the rules on your blog.

Share seven random and/or weird facts about yourself on your blog.

Tag seven random people at the end of your post, and include links to their blogs.

Leave a comment on their blogs so that they know they have been tagged.

7 random or weird things about the wench

1. MMmmmm, peanut butter on hot dogs.
2. Alias: empress of organized clutter.
3. I am revising my kitchen reno plans once again.
4. I am very proud of my sister Patty.
5. I broke my arm on the first day of summer holidays at the end of grade two. I had this clunkity plaster cast all summer. I saved the cast, took it to school for "Show & Tell" but wore it at school for 2 weeks before I was caught. I was 7.
   
6. I think my most vulnerable weakness is needing to be needed. I find it very hard to say no.
   
7. Having read several comments from respected sources, I am reintroducing the use of Capital letters. For those who know, thanks for the suggestions.
   

The following people are now officially tagged:

Abigail

Knuckletoes

Pocket Buddha

That Girl

Saviabella

La Diva

Smyrish

ye gods & little fishes

whine whine whine (insert favorite cusswords here)

Knee bone connected to the hip bone my ass, no really - it is a pain in the ass. As the hip socket works to deal with the changes to the way my knee is seated ... holy crap ... it feels like my hip is right out of joint. No one told me about this. Nor did anyone think to warn me that after the knee starts to feel just a bit better that I would start to get charlie horses in my calf and that the front of my shin would get this burning sensation. No, nothing is wrong, that is just the HEALING PROCESS. Meh!

Yesterday I could not get comfortable for more than 10 minutes and I felt like the wolf who drags its hind leg with the trap still attached to it. I'm bored, I'm bitchy, and I miss my friends.

Have you ever noticed that the smell of clean laundry induces sleep? I want a lemon filled honey dipped bismark from Safeway (another whine). Who else detests Window$ Vi$ta - what a load of crap. It's very hard to provide tech support for an OS that a) you haven't used b) don't want to use c) the user keeps clicking ahead without telling you what they have done and you are not on a vidphone.

made the stairs

I did have to rest at the landing though. Think I did too much, didn't consider the uneven terrain.

Random chaos.

ciao

end of week 2

The moon must be full/empty. I just got the sleep cycle turned back around and it went all awry once again. Up all night, falling asleep in the morning and then up around noon. Semisomnolent. Is that a word? Yes it is (sometimes I get lucky.)

My nemesis the dreaded staircase is on the todo list as I have to go outside. It appears that when one joint's seat is adjusted all the others that are connected are a tad resistant to change and apparently need to be beaten into submission. Down will be okay but I'm not sure about up.

Another strange come-uppance is my body's unconscious sway/tilt to the right when I step off the healing leg. Even my body is silently protesting the bendage of said supposedly bendy part. I find myself having to pay particular attention to step properly and keep myself verticle instead of the Pisa-like lean I temporarily acquire. I would imagine the gait looks something like a temple tent on the back of a camel going uphill over a dune while trying to outrun a sand storm, or perhaps I am practicing the zombie shuffle ... yeah, real graceful.

There IS a limit of too much interweb. It is a constantly varied limit for each individual and you will know it when you have reached it, hopefully before you have passed it. Subsequently the interweb can also offer hours of communication, entertainment, information, and mindless occupation when used in moderation.

I decided I have to release my dream of a hermitage in the Himalyas/Himalayas or a trek to Lhasa (ah grand self delusions), not ever going to happen. I wonder what it was that prompted me to add that to the wish list so long ago? Escape surely... reminders of choices made, that long sought freedom that looks so possible when we are young, yet seems more intangible with every breath.

... my my, where did those filters go?

one week later

I just realized I missed my 5 on the 27th (Abigail & I decided that was the limit we could successfully accomplish with regards to the 365 project)so I will catch up on that shortly.

the bandages are off, there do not appear to be any complications externally though the incision site has been a little warm since yesterday and I think I may have a low grade fever - ice ice baby. will keep an eye on it as the last thing that I need now is a suprainfection. el doctoro warned me that i may take a little longer than normal to heal and i need to exercise my patience.
i'm using a cane and can now take small but shuffling steps to get myself around. the knee still feels kind of smushy when i stand on 2 feet so I will take the expert's advice, "if it hurts stop". i also tried to do a couple of stairs - it felt like the knee was going to smuch sideways or collapse entirely and there were some new strange noises emitting from it - which kicked in my fear of falling down the stairs and wrecking my knee entire, so that will have to wait a bit yet - which sucks because the stircraziness is starting to set in.
enough of my whining, suffice to say that it continues to improve.

my belated 5:

Mr. Brown you were the best art teacher I ever had. You saw that I was bored and took the time to teach me all kinds of skills not included in the curriculum - from charcoal, pastels and pen and ink to silk screening and painting with water colours, oils and washes on an unending variety of textures. My creative urge thanks you 30 years later, I'm still adding to the pot.
Mrs.Orsted I can only hope that this generation has English teachers that engage students the way that you did. When someone was having trouble grasping what you were trying to get across, you simply found a different means to describe it. i remember the video productions from that year's novels (before computers) that you had us do as one of the best parts of my education.
Madamoiselle Brezdan you lit a fire under me that still drives me today to better understand other languages and cultures, and it was your influence that led me to enroll my children in French Immersion, which my grandchildren are currently also participating in.
to the nameless Mount Argosy skiing instructor who showed us the basics, put us on the tow rope and did not really explain hoe to GET THE HELL OFF. I ended up at the top of the advanced hill. who had never down hill skied before, and by sheer unadulterated luck and perhaps some assistance from the hundred little gods, managed to make it to the bottom going so fast that i got stuck in the snow wall at the bottom of the hill missing only one pole, 1 mitt and 2 of my nine lives. what the fuck were you thinking buddy?
Dr Ambrosi, you showed me that good science done accurately can overcome ingrained gender bias and teach both old dogs and young pups new tricks (though i still chuckle at the vision of you in your elmer fudd hat).

from the featherbed

as y'all know I had a wee bit of surgery done to my knee Tuesday afternoon, and today I get to have a shower ... if I can get my leg over the edge of the bathtub that is. thank all the hundred little gods for that because there are bits of residual stickiness from bandaids and monitor pads etc that are itching like crazy and never mind that my hair feels like I've been into grandpa's brylcream.

using a nice solid chair as a walker is a gazillion times more useful than crutches and I made it to the kitchen this am - slow but steady. since I haven't been able to sleep more than a couple of hours at a time I decided to forgo the pain meds in the middle of the night. on one hand, I woke up for a few minutes, made the decision and went back to sleep (I'm calling it 5 hours in a row) delightful! on the other hand, i was informed upon waking exactly how much it did hurt (more than I thought it would and yes I know I sound like a whiny baby) and could point to exactly where it hurt instead of just a general ache in the whole knee area. not as bad as I thought, but more than I am willing to put up with med free.

the stairs are definitely out for a while, and until then I am hermitized.

the hospital told me to call my surgeon's office to make a post-op appointment - I was too medstupid on Wed, Thurs there was no receptionist, and this morning when I called, the answering service notified me that the office is closed until Monday. figures. have to call again on monday.

happy bday to amanda, anna, dale and chris - as well as happy anniversary to the A&C. celebrate for me too!

the dreaded hospital

I have had several horrendous visits and in an attempt at optimism, keep hoping and glory be delilah - i was quite pleasantly surprised!
they called me to come in hours early, great home sooner. less than 10 minutes at registration.
with nurses cracking jokes and being kind and doctors who listened (and this was before the silly juice) and tickety boo the show is on the road ...
i woke up in recovery around 1 - I think. successfully found the calcium chunk that was floating - really teeny compared to the pain it has caused and scraped away the arthritis build up - should be waaaay better than the original;) and was discharged by about 2:30 or so - little hazy there.
i am comfortably ensconced in a nest of pillows, tired but eternally grateful for my dotter and my friends who look after me in spite of myself.
going to sleep now.
ciao

heh heh heh

'You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in
America are named Bush, Dick, and Colon."

Chris Rock, comedian2-28-07

all riiigghhtt nooooww ...

it's monday an' ise still singin'. mayn't be in tune, words mightn't be right, but it comes straight from the heart. thankee miss stacy.

I did manage to kill the flue virus thursday night though there was some question for a bit there if I would survive the cure ... deb is still laughing ...

do you remember/know a band called War? they wrote spilled wine, low ryder, and why can't we be friends along with a shwack of tunes i had forgotten were theirs. late 60s early 70s - hornsdrumsbass funkadelic getyourgrooveon shakeyourbooty can'tstopmenow music. the sound they have is the sound that djs seek using vinyl instead of instruments. i almost wasn't sure if i wanted to go to the concert - based on the destruction of some REALLY great memories after I went and saw April Wine a year and a half ago - kind of like open casket funerals - that last visual overshadows all the rest for sooo long.

HOWEVER - i had a damn fine time, and the larger part of a crowd that ran from twenty something to hmmmm - I'm guessing late 60s? caught the groove and was stompin' and clappin and snappin' and chair dancing for the entirety of the show(they had tables where the dance floor is supposed to be which really sucks). and there was simply no going home once the feet were in gear so it was off to the pub ...

all night long i was getting flashbacks of history that I hadn't thought about in forever. i remembered names for boyfriends from over 30 years ago whose faces were the only things i still remembered and along with it came how they made me feel - all spring chickeny. whole conversations sprang to life in my brain and i could follow those decisions i'd made and where it led me - so i could actually see where i had made the WRONG choices and distance let me see why. the whole thing was really funkin' cool.

when i was a child (4-12) i was HUGE on sunday morning church. mostly it was a sense of belonging that drew me - i usually went to whatever church my current set of friends went to (we moved cities/provinces every 2 years or so while i was growing up). denomination didn't really matter, i was great at memorization and most of the messages were the same. in fact i remember for a while when we lived in Fort Frances Ontario, i was in the United Church choir and the CGITs (Christian Girls In Training- kind of like girl guides) while at the same time i attended the RC church for 8 oclock mass with my friends the Forans, and myself and a few friends (Grade5&6) created a free/modern dance club on Saturday mornings in the small basement hall at the Baptist church. (i was baptized presbyterian) .... getting lost here....

focus: sunday i went to church with Miss Stacy. and i rediscovered that sense of community that i usually only access when i'm with the crew, in a place where joy and release are the goal and music is the path. i was given confirmation that so many of the things that i have set aside remain set aside. i have not picked them back up and that is a huge goal attained for me. and it was FUN and JOY filled, and i am quite looking forward to next week. now i will have to work on the few stubborn ones that i just don't seem to really want to give up... by the hundred little gods we people are stupid! let it go girl!

so here it is monday - and like James Brown says - I feel goood!!!!

finally back to work

you know i'm sick when the blog lays lost in the interwebs and the crackbook status line doesn't change, and i get behind in my scrabulous games.

semi human today - part rock, part wookie

ttyl

day 2 of the newest year

the crew all chipped in and had a New Year, Darrell's bday, Dana's bday and tossed in KevinH's bday for good measure new year's eve. hosted at D&J's, they invited us all in and Jillie even lifted the "don't smoke in the house ban" on account of the cold. the hot tub was a wash but the guitar hero competition in the basement raised both the floor and the roof ;)

plenty of tasty bits and horse durvers - snacks and salads - great company and fun with the family we got to choose. like any other family we have our own dysfunctional members (most of us) and we look after each other when there is a difficulty. there were about 30 of us before the kidlet count and there were over a dozen MIAs!(and sorely missed they were)

man - it was LOUD! and the basement was even louder (like a wedding at the farm) ... heh heh heh - must be gettin' old. the birthday songs were sung, if slightly off key (like many of our jokes) and WTF? - we couldn't find a count down on the TV at midnight. so we improvised as usual and did it twice, with extra midnight kisses all around. when I left around 3am, a few people had roused from their little power naps, the upstairs crew were chillin, the kitchen was like a campfire chat and the basement was still rockin' out.

up early round 8 or so and got the laundry done, started on making arrangements for when i go in for the knee fix, put away my presents THANKEE THANKEE & made the traditional new years day calls. waited for my ride to show up at noon to go to Earl's for margarita's - but no go, must have been catching up and I was not going to be the one to wake her. decided to start the new year with a clean house and washed some floors, cleaned my room, & took the tree half down (you need to realize that it takes 2 people over 3 hours just to hang the decorations never mind the garland and the lights) which i will attempt to finish tonight.

went to be early but could not get to sleep so i read until some ungodly hour of the morning... and now it's off to the first day of work in this new year (1 more and I get an extra week of paid vacation) and i cleared most of my desk before I left on Monday. yay me!

the best of years to everyone in 2008!

blogging for a year review:

change is eternal ... La diva's ideas for a year in review: go back into your backlog of blogs and use the first sentence from the first post for each month of the past year. . .

Jan - zippity doo dah day, roll over and bathe in the wash of sunshine on buddha gold walls, warm happy safe. bronchitis battle rolls on, with me mostly losing.

Feb - 2nd: I can see a light at the end of the tunnel, got caught up on my daily tasks yesterday. though I know there are several letters that will claim my attention this morning; I may yet get to some of the project work I have planned.

Mar - the 3rd of the 3rd: okay then, was back to work this week - and glad to be there, people starvation had set in solid.

Apr - 20 sentences, my friend abigail found this interesting idea on Saviabella's "blog, inspired ~ she wrote her own list. devi turned 7 and Charlie was born - 1st of the homely crew babes.

May - Abigail has an inside track on 5 question interviews for bloggers. seth turned 6 and camping May long at Sherwood.

June - the 5th: holy crap it's June and May whizzed past me ... as did June. working the 3 day week plan for summer with my vac days on Mon and nonDO firdays - worked great.

July - camping was such a release. weather was great - thank the hundred little gods for the patio. reading the bright yellow book from Cody - was very hard not to just fling it away.

Aug - the 3rd: the famdamily was of to the EX Wednesday afternoon - thought we'd take advantage of the cooler weather 28-29 and the breeze that was blowing. the dead celebrity party was a riot alice.

Sept - actually the 4th : sorry i haven't seen you in a bit, it was labour day longweekend which is the girl's ritual weekend away at Lu's camper in Sherwood Forest. bellydancing started & i'm lovin' it!

Oct - me knee has learned a new language. after a 5 day week that was just go gadget go - it really shouldn't have surprised me that there was a fraturday nite abourning in this last weekend of September; the ladies auxilliary was out in full force - and some of the members we hadn't seen in a while also arrived. Later on in the month we had a lovely triple birthday costume hallwe'en party at the House Of Pain.

Nov - It is the 1st of November and the boy has most of the boxes moved, just the big furniture to go now and he'll have that done today .... well the last of it was out by the end of the month and for the first time since I was 16 there are no piles of kids stuff anywhere ;) Katie's 19th bday was celebrated in high style with formal wear at the pub.

Dec - from the 2nd : curtis birthday friday was a blast. The O'Hanlon's Ladies Auxillary meeting of the broads party was a lovely chaotic crush. pre-christmas in moose jaw was terrific with potluck, and santa eve & day were spent in a lovely relatively quiet family christmas with my kids and grands. Boxing day at the pub saw quite a few of the crew too.

result: i figured i made entries on the 1st exactly half the year. not too shabby at all. i didn't whine too much. i like lists. i have been late on my "5 on the 27th" 1 out of 4 times... i don't beat myself up as much as i used to. i have loads of friends. my life seems to be going in a different direction than last year. all i can do is hope i didn't take a wrong turn and enjoy the ride.

if you get a chance sometime just after midnite - say this phrase: om mani padme hum
namaste

5 on the 27th #4 ~ just a tad late

beautiful eyes and a great smile ~ tall, old enough to pull at the LB. a captain no less, and a car. strong and gentle and good - great family reputation and a steady part time job - my parents loved that i was going out with you (they swallowed the fact that you were 3 years older because the other options were simply not to be considered). you were dependable and romantic and a good kisser. but you were in the end, a small town boy and i was trouble on two feet. i apologize sweets, you were my boy next door and i was the delinquent braless flag you waved at your parochial parents when they pissed you off.

you were my guilty pleasure, my secret hideaway. early mornings redolent with the mouth watering aroma of fresh baking and warm sugar glaze as i took that first big chomp while the glaze was still dripping. ripping down the highway in your 65 mustang coupe - as fast as we could go and careening to a stop so that we could make love in a wheatfield (take a sturdy blanket)... the first time you let me drive the Kawy - man - that was huge!!! the original chevy van with the orange shag keyhole & the minifridge for my strawberry angel. you really should have seen the look on my mom's face when she found my riding leather - the one with all the fringes you got me - i think she would have been okay if i hadn't told her how really old you were when she guessed wrong. what a rotten child i was, but then that's why you loved me. ditto.

i never did fit into the societal structure. at 16 i needed to be needed. you needed someone. married at 16 & 18, in spite of them all, we set out to make our own little family that would just love us for who we were. though i never regret my children - man were we stupid. what did we really think we were doing? did we think? hindsight being 20/20 we might want to have waited till we grew up a little before imposing our craziness on our kids. they are turning out great though, in spite of us ... it's always circles isn't it?

heat. we danced close and closer all night, with the barbies gaping in disbelief when you ignored their attempts to snatch you away. sunglasses at night. so tuned to the vibe my knees were trembling and you asked if i had a shower at my place. i did ;)

you lifted my heart and dissappeared me down the rabbit hole. our mutual obsession for 5 years & soul love by bowie, shades by iggy and most of the pistols carried us to faraway places. mushrooms, spandex, heavy metal and an endearing curiosity. you were the penultimate peter pan and though i never realized it i was wendy and her brothers all twizzled together with a sprinkling of peter's boys just for the explosive effect. bring on the hook - he cannot prevail because we are invincible!
but we were wrong. i started to grow up and you left me for someone who would share your happy place without question. idol, medora, the trainride ~ treasured memories all. you are my heart friend and i miss you.

the year of overcoming entropy

this has been a tumultuous year for almost everyone i know. small defeats and large miracles. looking back it has been all about the importance of moving forward.

look back all you want, but do not get stuck there. just because reality is "blahblahblah" today, does not mean it has to stay that way. if you do nothing to change it/yourself/the situation - it will maintain or devolve into something truly horrendous.

if you choose to make a positive effort, great or small, change will occur. the outcome is never guaranteed, but at least you are choosing. enough of the pushme-pullyou indecisiveness of modern wo/man.

take a fucking stand.

this year i had a double handful of friends who persevered made a change or took a stand. palinode for his health care. abby for her dignity. schmutzie for her femininity (no - really baby - unknowingly or not you did) savia for song. patty & deb for their mental health. brad for not smoking. asi for daddyhood. katie for adulthood. nick dee & gio for family values. rod for self reliance. at least 6 people who refused to be doormats. laurie for daily idependence. the Wrocks for committment. mur for growing up & out. pixx for her kids and her refusal to let the system throttle her, mandy & chris for plugging through the daily grind, everyday - together, and chedly for allowing himself the time to heal. bren for self image, kory for his health and carrie for her fitness.

to all the people around me who make the little and big changes, hard as they may be.
THANK YOU.

this year I learned to be comfortable with the word cunt. thanks for the book cody!

onward

it's christmas eve

it's christmas eve -
time to down-a-few-pints and get-up-and leave

i'll take the buuus - to the dotter's hoooouse
sneak in the doooor - quiet as a 300 pound mooouse...
the kids will squeeeeal with chiiildish gleee -
and jump up and down on my wounded knee ....

it's christmas eve
it's christmas eve... and i love every min - ute of it!

to everyone i knw, and those i have yet to meet - a happy santa season!!!

fun with cheese

after many requests for recipes from the meeting of the broads - here goes:

Cheese Ball
Ingredients:
2 pkg 500g cream cheese 1/2 small white onion diced fine
1 Tsp worcestshire sauce 1/3 red pepper diced fine
1 Tsp lemon juice 10 twists of ground black pepper (coarse)
1 Tsp Lime juice 1/8 C parsley flakes
1 C shredded cheese - (monterey jack or an jalapeno mix is tasty)
1/2 C cashews ( put them in the coffee bean grinder/food processer and crush fine - or you can always beat hell out of them with a rolling pin)

Instructions: Cream ingredients together, shape into ball.
Roll in crushed cashews ( or other nuts of choice - never mind ...).
Options: add nuts, hard chopped fruit, different peppers, dill, crab, other seafood, ham, etc.

Spinach Dip
Prep time: ½ hour
Ingredients:
2 pkg frozen spinach thawed & drained 2 C sour cream
1 C mayo (miracle whip for tang) 1 pkg Knorr cream of vegetable soup
1 can water chestnuts finely chopped 3 green onions finely chopped
1 C cheddar or marble cheese grated ½ sm red onion finely chopped
2 Tsp dill (optional) 1/8 C chopped fresh parsley parsley
1 Tsp worcestshire sauce S&P to taste
1 or 2 loaves of unsliced pumpernickel bread 3 sticks celery chopped fine
Options: shrimp, crab, bean sprouts, shredded carrots, lemon grass, tarragon, garlic

Instructions:
Mix all the dip ingredients together and chill at least 3 hours
Slice top off load and cube, hollow loaf out and cube interior, slash sides of loaf 2 inches deep
Fill slashed loaf with dip, and arrange cubed chunks around base. chop up extra bread you'll need it. Nan bread and pita bread in wedges work well for displays.

mmmmmmm.... cheezey goodness

the saddest day

15 years today ... my world stopped, i couldn't breathe, i couldn't speak, mind numbing terror and anger and loss. my mom was gone. i was empty.

15 years and it's like it was yesterday and a million years ago.

i love you mom.

on the 4th day of christmas

my true love gave to me -

Four fro-zen fingers (do not drop a smoke in a fluffy snowbank as the hand heat will get it wet)
Three winter coughs
Two wobbly feet
and a set of dead lights in my tree.

the OLA doubleD party was a roaring success thanks to all those who stopped by and hugs to those who didn't make it. it made me realize how much i love to entertain. and i now know the seating volume comfort limit of most of the rooms in our place. living room 12-14, office 6, bedrooms half a dozen, kitchen 2, smoking deck 5-6. At one point there was just about 30 people there. lovely lovely lovely.

y'all just made my week.

on the 1st day of christmas ...

my true love gave to me ...

a dead set of lights in my tree.


... and right at the top no less! like i needed to add another to do to my not t'done list.

so today is holy crap i have to get all of this done today day. i was woken up by a call from my sister at 7:45 on my day off with bad news about a friend, my unfulfilled wish that the problem with the happy lights would magically disappear slapped me upside the head (you'd have toknow how anal i am about the tree to understand the true depth of that particular tragedy), 10 time consuming tasks that absolutely must get done today and a cheery good morning from the head cold i have been avoiding for the past two weeks.

on the upside, it is my day off, a couple of friends have promised to give me a hand with the list and minilights are cheap.

wish me luck, it'll be off to wallymart later.

and a most magnificent happy birthday in absentia to aurthur guinness.

thursday

AAARRRGGGGHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

sloggin through the murk

i know i was productive this week but it certainly does not feel that way.

my heart goes out to a couple of people who are dealing with relative trauma (sending all good thoughts) and unspeakable loss (just keep going forward). thank the hundred little gods for my sorta stable family of the moment.

it's probably just reaction to the first week of real cold and OF COURSE with the weekend coming on it looks to get colder -28C tomorrow at least - before the wind. sounds like a good night to stay in, finish up the christmas cards and get some of the resents wrapped. think i might stack the candles in the fireplace and pretend.

was at the screening of 2 new films this week. certainly amusing (i love irony) a fair bit of tongue in cheek juxtaposed with supper 'en cheek and followed by cheeky villeins and a bit too much vomiting chicken for my taste. loved the gypsie schmooze. but it WAS FUNNY and an evening out with the girls is always a good time. strangely enough i knew one of the actors, and one of the actors' moms.

regina is such a small tiny insulated little place ... why am i still here?

i didn't lose it!!!!

i won a solid sense of self satisfaction at a small job well done - most days - even if i didn't win anything from the nablopomo prize list.

i didn't lose the lens camera from my "oh my god are you an idiot for spending that much on a camera" camera. my friend la schmutzie picked it up when she saw it adventuring among the pint glasses ans has saved me a trip to look for it in person.

i didn't lose my sangfroid when the tools at 4 separate computer stores treated me an ID10T problem before they even spoke to me.

i didn't throw my poutine with the frozen FROZEN cheese curd and broken plastic tine at the malignant tumours that were manning the tills at A&W saturday at lunch time, and after waiting 20 minutes and watching 6 or 7 other people get served i decided enough. i asked for a refund for my poutine which had yet to arrive - "oh here it is now that you're at the till and already done your burger and coffee" and lo and behold - not one of the 6 people behind the counter knew how to refund a single item, so they refunded my for my poutine, drink & burger. so i also won my lunch (looking for the positive here).

which reminds me I owe my sister $5 for the greycup game.

and today i won the "you are the best grandma in the world" award which i will collect on santa morning from my devi when she sees that i found her an $#@#^@#^@@^$@^@ - it's a secret and she's a smart little cookie...

sunday morning/lunch

curtis birthday friday was a blast. i was so happy to see so many of the crew that don't make it out too often, even my seester- i still have to process all the pics though.

spent sat afternoon with my friend Renee, we'd found the laptop she wanted friday am, but hadto wait till the shipment came in on Sat. we got to the store - still not in ... heavy sigh. we'll have to go back later this week.

lots of art and glue and glitter with wax paper snowflakes and the grandson. we watched a movie, had pizza with no green peppers and he had pop and pudding and applesauce. we stayed up till 11pm cuddling in the big chair and had a very good sleep. yogurt and grannysmith apples for breaky - pizza for snack, and lipton's chicken noodle soup for lunch. we've done the dishes and vacuumed and he has beaten me at 2 games of itsy bitsy spider, though i did redeem myself by winning frustration.

then it's off to his house to make paper bag reindeers and my daughter is making sunday supper.

gotta love the weekend!

NaBloPoMo nomo' (humming deck the halls)

tis the last day of na blo po mo
no more mid-nite paaa-nic attacks for me.

throughout the month, just trying to remember
and posting at least SOMEthing religiously.

i am finished
i have done it
some of my posts sucked, that's the way it be.

but i completed the goal that i stated
gone now is that responsibility.

MMWWAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA


personalities:
your soul shines through your eyes on the cloudiest of days and brightens my world each and every time i see you. you are an accumulation of all that is good: kindness, compassion, patience, open hearted, handed and minded. you remind us all what we WANT to be, even as we're fumbling along our paths. and as if that wasn't enough you have pizzazz, attitude, intelligence and you do a great dance. so when your internal glow is awash with pain from an uncontrollable source know that you just have to call me, i'll be there sister.

thursday

made it through the week ,,, damn but winter is here with a vengeance,

wicked wednesday

by the hundred little gods that wind out there today was SNAP. i was at the UofR today and as soon as i saw the strikers i was very thankful.

snappy repartee from narrow minded commentators insults me: "what-ever, they make more than we do", "i'll take that job", " or the ever so erudite "f#@$ers!". such an astonishing vocabulary for a college boy.

they may make more than you do (usually though not always, ) through investing time and effort, education, training, and experience. lots of people do - you're a student. it is quite possible that you may not meet the qualifications to apply for that job. if you do, have you applied? what this group of f#@$ers is doing supports ALL workers by serving notice that a business cannot be run successfully without employees. the principals upheld here, seeded society with a demand for wage & labour standards, ohs and equity.

understand this, no sane individual prefers snow slogging at -22C on one of the windiest freaking intersections along the parkway. i am fairly sure most would prefer heated workspace and fair day's pay for a fair days work. have you asked one of them?

so thanks to all those sisters & brothers who stand visible & strengthen our solidarity.

5 on the 27th #3

you took me with you on a romp through the discovery of sex with all of the enthusiasm and curiosity of youth, without any prudery or twisted perceptions. just good old fashioned enjoyment of the gifts of our bodies that has lasted my lifetime. always will you have a special place in my heart wherever you are. (it didn't hurt that you were a juvenile delinquent on parole from kilbourne and my mom told me to stay away from you ;)

i told my parents to send me to Dale's House, they sent me to Luther College High School to live in the dorm. my girls and I met you and your guys. it started out as you and Chris and me and Mike and after 2 days we realized we had it wrong so we switched. you were a lightening rod. i loved to run my fingers through your mane while we were making out. remember the mattress fire? i still howl at the look on Mike's face when he realized it was himself that was burning. in the end you were a bastard and i walked out heart broken. long since forgiven.

my unknown saviour - tall blond, suave with a hot car. i was 14, the police were on strike. you and your sister donna and her boyfriend darrel picked me up walking down Victoria Ave. smokin' strawberry and lime, frisbee with the wascana authority guard's hat. i had just had my heart broken and you seemed to simply want to take care of me. 3 dyas and i ran away from your intensity. but what a blast! you found my dad's number in estevan and called there 3 times a day until i got there a week later. remember the storm on the way back from north portal and supper at caesar's? your mom was wonderful. then you ruined it. no one does that to me. i snuck back to the house after everyone went to work, broke in, took my stuff and hit the highway. you found me again 3 months later in juvie hall and talked my social worker into allowing you to take me out for my 15th birthday. you wore a baby blue crushed velvet suit (smashing). we went to Sahara Nights when it was still an upscale restaurant. too much wine, a little reefer and some great face - it was a wonderful birthday. we were done and i never saw you again.

ahhh my great tormented love - a tragic romance - love at first sight - you made me feel wanted and needed and safe in a world where there was no place for me. my love for you knew no bounds and refused to die no matter how hard the system stomped on it. do you remember April Wine and the VW or Dr. Hook's "Little Bit More"? breaking you out of juvie jail was a rush. every time we got together chaos ensued - it was glorious.

cookie, sweet & tasty comfort food for the soul, a 10 day interlude that got me through the devestation of john's betrayal. it always hurts most when it's your friends that stab you in the back right under your nose. we met randomly at an after 777s house party. both of us bored - staring at each other. we went outside for a smoke and watched the dawnrise later - sort of ;)many zoomers, the BEST ACDC concert and several deck days later we both had to go back to work. that night at Kenny's still makes me grin like a cheshire cat.