witsend ... & it wasn't a long trip
I thought I had it together.
The body is healing well albeit slowly. The financial house is gaining relative order, also going slowly. The weightloss is following suit. I am still in the process of stopping smoking - more like a "slowdown" there as well. Hmmm sounds like a theme.
Today it seemed like hours were minutes and that months and years had simply flashed by without notice. Have you ever noticed that when loss is imminent everything except your focus comes to a semi standstill? Conversations lapse midstream as your concentration falters. A ringing phone puts your heart into your mouth so you can barely choke out hello. Surrounded by your friends you find yourself transmogrified to a a great lump of useless nothing on a dark grey plain, anchorless with an endless expanse of quicksand awaiting your solitary steps, but not for long.
One of the voices within urging for optimistic "It'll be okay", with Baal's nasty sprite chuckling behind his grubby little paw "for now..." Torn between the morbid anticipation of pain to come and the release of loss.
Strident laughter false and twisted, meaningless smiles meant to sooth or comfort, and the bitter truth that it is a selfish goad that prods those sore spots nurtured over decades. I want I need. Self-recrimination " I should have could have," but did not. Questions gnawing for release at the back of your throat, bile almost thrusting them into a public forum before you will have to live with them unanswered.
Self-control that brightest of virtues and most virulent measure of self-immolation. The burning drive to keep the lid on a boiling emotional cauldron knowing that you are burning yourself in order to protect others from suffering an eruption of your repressed rage.
And it's only a maybe. wtf.
2 comments:
I don't know what is going on, nor do I want to know unless you want to tell me, but I am willing to offer cake, or coffee, or a shoulder anytime.
one thing I've realized lately is that the universe tends to sort itself out eventualy. and in the meantime you can either grit your teeth and bare it, or pull a nutty. . . each of which has it's pros and cons.
It was fun to have you out and about last night, and had I known you were trying to cut down of the smoking I wouldn't have kept bugging you to keep me company outside.
heh heh - thanks bebe. My dad has taken a turn for the worse this week and he's the last parent/grand I have left. Seems like he's had a minor sroke which has affected his memory somewhat and he is generally weak and had not gotten out of bed for 3 days - unheard of in the normal scheme of things. Then we got a call from the stepmom Viv and Dad was asking to see his girls in between apologizing to her for all of the things he'd done wrong over the last 25 years. Dad almost never apologizes because he is always right. It's the big instantaneous shift in personality that has me most frightened. I've worked in senors homes and that usually presages the worst.
Thanks for the offer and you can be sure that if I need something I may call.
As for the smoking - I have already cut down HUGEbut I've been working on it for a year - a pack a day to a pack every 5 or 6 days and I always take extras when I see the girls ;) no worries.
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