mommy-hood

so you spend your life doing the best you can for your kids. sometimes that best isn't so damned great but it is still all that you have. and you can be sure that in any life, some dysfunction will arise and you, the mommy, will feel like you have let your kids down.

i have had many of those moments. i have apologized for them, tried not to repeat them and gone forward.

but there is a certain point in a mommy's life where a situation will occur where knowing that her child needs help, she will be unable to provide it. and it's fucking heartbreaking.

with my daughter, it was when my mom died - 15 years ago this year. we had had a lot of deaths in family and friends that year and my mom was a light in our lives, she loved my kids and tried to spend as much time as she could with them. my daughter was 12 and her best friend had passed away only a few months before we lost my mom. amanda was already reeling from trying to handle that loss when my mom got very very sick, and then she was just gone. 5 days before christmas... and i was completely lost. and i couldn't find a way to help myself or her. it was all i could do to put one foot in front of the other. we since dealt with my failure to be there for her - i think - sometimes it's hard to tell.

i had never been in that kind of situation with my son before. there have been a few rough spots where he was having to deal with things that i simply couldn't help with, but i was there - for support, to listen, whatever. this week, he needed help and i was quite simply at the end of my resources and i did not have what he needed.

there is no more profound feeling for a mother, no matter how old the child is, that they cannot provide the assistance that their child needs. needs not wants.