damn ...

step clickety, step click clik, step ceerack clik, step clickety, step crackle crunch - CRUNCH? what the hell was that? my knee cracked so loud the 2 girls already on the elevator heard it and peered at me with a sort of bemused "holy crap did that sound come from her knee-it must hurt- why is she even walking on it - man she should lose 100 pounds" amused expression.

no shit sherlock. and yes it does hurt. even the xray technician could hear it and when she did her eyebrows hit her hairline - results next tuesday.

so it has been an exasperatingly long week considering there were only 4 work days and whew! am i glad it's over! plagued by little or no sleep and that interupted by subconcious panic attacks where i am trapped by criminals or at the least, VERY nasty people with personal violence soon to follow, which i find myself helpless to do anything about followed by running away as fast as i can - into a dead end. jolting into reality sweating ans shaking and in fear for my life at 3 am, or generally 2.5 hours after i fell asleep. petrified to go back to sleep. and after the 3rd night in a row, too apathetic to even try. I just find something to do until it's time to go to work. but i apparently have no trouble at all falling asleep at my desk - while i'm typing - or reading ...

my son asked me if my knee hurt while i was running away ....

now i am usually competent at determining what the source of my fear is. it is a challenge to be ound and dealt with. usually something beyond my control, however my life is fairly together these days so i am at a loss. unless it is just a build up of those few things that i seem to be unable to stop or start myself from doing, even though i REALLY want to accomplish those tasks. quit smoking, lose weight, get fit, manage my money better. i have certainly improved on all counts over the last year - no question. NONE of them is uber-pressing. damn .. it must be something else - what is it?

this is my crazy. knowing that there is some underlying source of tension within myself and not being able to find it, though i am sure the lack of REM sleep is not particularily helpful. and i end up in all kinds of circular analysis and simply cannot find the key to the maze/labyrinth/dead end trap. then the doubt spreads and i start questioning little decisions and then it's my judgement at work, and next i am SURE that i start inventing things, and as karma wills, those invented little oppositions start to become reality ..... and the hamster wheel kepps spinning.

so my knee is buggered and i have to WAIT for results, my living room is full of boxes, i have several home improvement tasks i haven't gotten round to and 2 sewing projects. i missed going for a pint with my friend sam before she goes back to jtown. 2 teeth broke off my upper plate last nite when i bit into a chicken breast, i cannot stop sneezing and i am angry and nasty and bitchy as all get out. oh yes and the doctor told me that everyone's breasts are 2 different sizes (which i knew) and that though i think the difference is huge - it really isn't and that the hormonal changes that begin when you are pre-mantalpausal can cause some fairly strange things to happen, the hyper sensitivity of a woman who doesn't really want to deal with that crap makes everything seem worse. thank you docter frankenstein - you fucker.

but it's friday. and the denturist fixed my plate for free before 9:30 this am. for an hour this afternoon my knee didn't click. i got all of the articles for the newsletter done (a month ahead of time) and approved even with my second guessing myself STOP! - aha! - that's why i am doing so shitty on the crackbook friend quizzes - apart from the questions that i truly don't know - carrying on... my son is packed and has assured me that there is no problem with his move. my grandson is fine after is gatorpult on sunday. and my other 2 kids Chris and Amanda paid me back some extra money I hadn't planned on.

aarrrggghhh! pint time