Here I go.
Time for tremendous life demolbuilding changes.
I have found within myself a new thing or an absence of an old one. space You know that drive that pushes you to get "stuff" to fill up your life with because it is devoid of those things which we all need, like selfawareness, selfknowledge, selfcompassion and love. Well the stuffdrive (you tube George Carlin - stuff)seems to have taken an extended vacation. Over the last few years I have sowly been divesting myself of "stuff", though last year I did venture out on a little clothing binge, which in truth was needed, but not to the extent that I spent resources. And I am in no way shunning materialism nor am I a shining example of non-commercialism, for those things that I enjoy or need. I simply find that there just aren't that many things that I enjoy or need.
For example, I want my favorite perfume, it makes me smile & invites happyness in, so if I find it I will buy it. I enjoy elephants, but I have quite a few, they symbolize some of my favorite people who are gone, they are one of the planet's smartest animals, they are afraid of mice because they don't want to hurt them, they have a language in stomping, they are overcomers of obstacles like Ganesa. I don't need anymore elephants. It used to be if it had an elephant on it, I had to buy it. Not anymore. Same goes with symbols of the buddha. I seem to have internalized much of this and don't need as many reminders to live now.
As for just regular stuff without any symbolic baggage, my perpetual weakness for the shiny has done me in too many times to count. I don't really even want those shiny dishes that are on sale, but they're on sale so I would have bought them before and found them a home later. OH! A of lovely pair of silver earrings, I want them, do I buy them, not anymore, because the shoulder-voice says "and when will you wear them then?" Realization dawns, I likely won't - much. I already have about 6 pairs of earrings in a rotation that I wear and a double handful put away in a box that I do not. So now I do not buy the new shiny ones.
Fake it till you make it works sometimes. Sometimes you have to fake it for a long time till you get there.
Mind you, there have been so many profound changes in my life the past 6 months perhaps I should not be so surprised. I am at the end of another 7 year cycle, also a time of settling matters & starting anew. I have lost a friend a month since January. Death has ceased to frighten or amaze me, it's just a part of the cycle and it makes me sad when it happens to people I love. Lesson: Enjoy the time you are here. Make life better, start with your own, and spread it around, you will be amazed. Share yourself, it's painful and worth it.
And so the clearage has begun.
A mental emotional physical clean sweeping is past due.
I start with who/what do I need? It's a short list. Self respect & confidence. Framily. Laughter. Music. Good food. Enough $$ to be comfortable somewhere warm. My photos and the plethora of art: each a tangible memory, a visual cue of those who gifted me.
After poking around inside my brain the only tender spots are where I made a poor decision, chose not to risk an opportunity, or refused in full knowledge to do the right thing. The toe stubbing rocks of anger and resentment, the stones I used to build my isolationist tower and the bricks that broke my own windows on reality, have become simple grains of sand on the beach. Irritating if they get into the crack of your ass, but gone once you've showered. Now just self evident truths without the need for justification, simply an acceptance of what's done, and another step forward. I must needs remember to sweep the sand aside every once in a while so I no longer get lost in the desert. And have a lot of showers ;)
My heart beats, I love. Always questions but no heart disease.
And then there's the clutter of stuff.
Eyes set on freedom, feet on the path, I do not need an 18 wheeler full of stuff. With the completion of my kitchen comes a sense of relief and an understanding that I actually want to sell my condo. Don't get me wrong. I love my place. It has sheltered me through almost a decade of unimagined growth and provided, unwittingly, the means for my early escape from drudgery.
I have begun to give to my children now, the material goods I was going to will to them at my death. Almost every day I give another thing away, or put one in the keep pile. More away than keep is the rule. Once the kids have all they want from what I wish to part with, I'll start with the framily. I need clear space so I will make some;)
I do find myself picking up this and that for the "need for the move" pile, and I am happy to say that it is under control. mostly.
It will take about a year I figure to get through it all, but when I'm done, I'll be ready.
