grumpalump

so why am i so blah?

i have a good life, the kids are workin it out, the grandkids are divine, my seesters and i are all talkin, the nieces & nephews added me to their facebook friends list, i get lots of emails & phonecalls & social invitations, and my daddy loves me.

it's like the doldrums, the ones dr. suess wrote about. everything seems humpy and lumpy making me frumpy & grumpy. but i cannot for the life of me put my finger on a particular reason for it. a perfect example is last weekend. by now y'all should know i have summer long weekends (off F, S Sn,M). was planning to go camping with Lu, but it fell through. no biggie right? I had 3 birthday parties friday night and 2 on saturday night, a birthday brunch sunday morning and an invitation to join a trivia team on sunday night. if i didn't know me i'd say that was a full card with fun & frivolity written in every square.

i stayed home. nothin' of any great importance to do there and nothin on TV, wasn't interested in any gaming ... didn't work on this graphic i was planning to. i did stop by the deck late Sat for a few pints. not there long but i did go for a lovely brunch on Sunday.

and then i stored this post ... on tuesday ... and was out every evening this week ... startin' to sound a little manic to me ... hmmmmm thought i got off that boat a few years ago.

okay so now it's late friday or early sat ... just caught up on the idol episodes i missed, did a bunch of stuff around the house, nothing really noticable just things that you note and don't get to. read 3 books this week and managed to get my work done too! and the laundry. very productive ... go dog go

cravin' the campin' and we're leavin' tomorrow, just a short trip but so's the trip to crazyland. get some air and some quiet heh heh and maybe some sleep too.

it's really weird, like head shakin' cross eyed face twitchin weird. busy but blah unless engaged in conversation. hmph.

longest day ...

okay so i have now posted the pics from deckadance last friday night.

unfortunately for some - i have posted them on facebook under the Regina "network region" in the OHanlon's group. if you're not a member you'll have to join. i don't feel too bad since someone else posted pics i wanted here and that's why i joined. come on, we can all be miserable together :)

solstice ...

the longest day ... drags on and on and on ... it would help if i could have slept properly last night!

but a beauty day it 'tis! good and hot with just enough wind to keep the bugs off.

it has been a social butterfly week and i have so many places i am supposed to go this weekend that there is NO way i will be able to get to them all. now i'm not complaining this is just a simple observation. so here is my attempt at saying hi to all those whom i may not get a chance to see.

Happy Birthday Sean, d'ackerman, Kory, care bear, chuckie, luanne, amanda and autumn!

Congrats sassyb on your last day at the helldesk.

to devi & seth : i am so proud of you for successfully completing your school year and for making the leaps and bounds en francais this year.

i bought new shoes yesterday they are black & white with little skulls all over them. heh heh heh

so to all and sundry a most magnificent solstice - carpe diem!

another long weekend

a lovely evening and I found out the surprise ... our clinton was home ... and many of the crew were there to celebrate. the sun came out and though we got some rain later it certainly did not put a damper on the arty goin' on. I took my camera and took about 400 pics. still sorting and resizing and then will post :) there are some REALLY great shots!

lazed away the weekend with friends and a couple of good books. did some cleaning and clearing and most of the famdamly went to the Jaw to see dad for papaday. it was a great visit.

spent Monday on my deck reading and working through all of the pictures I had taken over the weekend.

think I may have to get a haircut this week. Cut it short 2 months ago and already it is too long :) (probably another of the reasons I grew it out in the first place)

PAY ATTENTION PEOPLE: TILMA

There is a new labour agreement between BC & AB that the SaskParty and some business leaders are endorsing, that I personally have issues with. Much like our "beloved" NAFTA agreement, it will negatively impact the lives of Saskatchewan citizens in favour of business perogatives from outside the province. There are public discussions on TILMA (Trade, Investment and Labour Mobility Agreement ) in Regina and Saskatoon this month, and I urge each and every one of you to attend one, or do some reading. The largest point in the debate is that TILMA seems to be beneficial for business at the expense of public interest. Become educated now, before this agreement is brought to bear on Saskatchewan and YOUR life.

Entire Article here
Excerpt:
In April 2006, without public consultation or legislative debate, the premiers of Alberta and British Columbia signed an unprecedented inter-provincial free trade deal called the Trade, Investment and Labour Mobility Agreement (TILMA). This deal extends privileges similar to those in the North American Free Trade Agreement (NAFTA) to corporations and individuals, allowing them to sue provincial governments and their official agencies for any regulation deemed harmful to investment (i.e. profits). Under TILMA, even provincial or municipal policies designed to protect the environment and public health are vulnerable to attack from corporate lawsuits.

TILMA creates a legally binding process for parties to the agreement as well as private individuals to challenge:
* Government programs and regulations if they “restrict or impair” investment (Article 3)
* Regulations in one province that are different from those in another (Article 5.1)
* The establishment of new, stricter regulations (Article 5.3)
* Initiatives by one province that the other does not agree with (Article 7.2)

TILMA disputes will be arbitrated by independent panels with the power to penalize governments with fines as high as $5 million for violating the agreement, and governments can be hit with repeated complaints against the same program or regulation. Gary Mar, the cabinet minister responsible for negotiating TILMA for Alberta, says that its dispute resolution process is “everything Canadian business asked for,” and that it means TILMA “is backed by some very big teeth.”

Another article concerning the public discussions held in Regina and Saskatoon this week:
Excerpt:
After a week of public hearings in Regina, the Saskatchewan Legislative Assembly’s Standing Committee on the Economy has moved to Saskatoon. Fortunately, CUPE was able to import Steven Shrybman for some expert testimony. Luckily, he wasn’t caught up in any “inter-provincial barriers” on his way from Ottawa. Some of his testimony was reported in today’s Leader-Post:
Ottawa-based trade lawyer Steven Shrybman, who was hired by CUPE Saskatchewan to analyse the agreement, said TILMA favours private holdings over public interests.
In his condemnation of the agreement, Shrybman said TILMA sets the stage for deregulation and privatization. The enforcement clause would also create a system where businesses in other provinces could invoke a review process whenever they felt their interests weren’t met, he said.
“If you took out the enforcement aspect, no one would be interested in TILMA,” he said.
The lawyer said TILMA would open the door for private health care in Saskatchewan. Other public interests would also be jeopardized by the agreement, he said.
While TILMA contains provisions that would protect labour groups, CUPE Saskatchewan president Tom Graham said inclusion in the deal could have a negative effect for all Saskatchewan residents.
“We are citizens of the province as well as working people,” Graham said. “It concerns us that a business or an individual could decide how we’re going to live.”
The standing committee’s report to the province is expected on June 29.

Past Present Future Meme

Past:
First grade teacher's name: Mrs. Flom
Last sentence(s) you said: "I might even find something useful at the trade show"
Last song you sang and when: "Cat Power - livin' in bars", reading Abby's blog
Last person you hugged: me, when I got up this am
Last person you laughed at: Rose when she told me to go back to work because I was making her laugh too much.
Last time you said I don't remember: the last time someone asked my age.
Last time you swore: at coffebreak when i stubbed my toe
Last person you talked to online: i blog and use email.

Present:What color socks are you wearing: socks? in June? are kidding me?
What's under your bed: perhaps angus bodhi cat. an antique suitcase full of jewellry. a filofiche with all my legal docs and taxes. a milkcrate full of shoes. a retro red travel case with hair accessories. a crate full of books. a big plastic box full of photo albums I have yet to scan. a bag with all the instruction manuals for all of the apliances in my home. a rubbermaid container with my 2nd wedding dress. As you can tell I have a lot of space under the bed. my sister and I built a box fram 3 ft high, double bed size and you can fit 6 large rubbermaid containers under it.
What time did you wake up today:the firstime 3 am:birds, 4:47 sirens, 6 I gave up & got up

Current taste: dark coffee
Current hair: short and sassy makes me feel like an 8 year old
Do you like someone: yes
Current worry: finish renovating my kitchen
Current hate: i do not hate anything. Currently despise: my feet
Favorite physical feature of the preferred sex: hands, eyes, smile, ass as it depends on whether they are coming or going
Last CD that you listened to? Billie Holiday: Lady in Satin
Favorite place to be right now: in the pool
Least favorite place to be right now: in debt
Play any instruments: the piano, used to play drums, bass guitar and the comb, play one song on the tenor sax and the flute, and could make noise on the bagpipes.
Do you believe in an afterlife: how about transformation through the cycle of lives?
Current favorite word/saying: I will.
Favorite book: this week I'm back into the Valdemar series by Lackey and this curmedgeon of a book titled "cunt", in an attempt to reduce not get rid of my sensitivity to that word. it's very very hard to read.
One person from your past you wish you could go back and talk to: my mom

Future:
Are you going to have the white picket fence and the whole bit?: hahahahahaha !
How many kids do you want: given the day - fewer than I have?
If your dreams could come true, what would your lifetime career be?: a student with an unlimited inheritance

...waiting

friday friday friday

someone tells you you should be somewhere on a certain date but doesn't tell you why ... and it is now 2 days away. how close to the snap point do YOU get?

arrgghhhh!!!!

wishes

the child crept silent as snow towards the corner of the kitchen doorway. the nubbin of its nose just peeping into the living room along with a wisp of curly locks. the interminable waiting thunping thumping in time with the only heartbeat in the room. moonglow floating in the windows as the terror tree shadows twist and twine in the winter gale. will he make it?

please please please don't get stuck in the blizzard. i only asked for one small thing this year because i know i wasn't very good. mummy told me i was bad and daddy doesn't barely speak to anyone anymore and it's all my fault. if only i get my wish it will make it all better!

ears perked. what was that. a nightie twitched at a muted scrabbling on wood. fragile fingers clinging to the doorframe neck stretched and on tippy toes to get a quick peek around the corner (no going in the living room till mummy and daddy are awake). a light thud over to the left in the darkened corner by the hearth.

tears sneaking down the rounded cheek not daring to breathe lest her wish disappear before her very eyes she crouched wound tighter than a coiled spring. mrow... mrow... silken fur and baby claws catching on the hem of the nightie. gently cupping the ball of fur to her neck she sank into the rumbling purr of her newest bestest friend, a sandpaper pink tongue wiping away her tears of relief. it was true, she had been good enough.

and down the hall the muffled sob of a mother who had understood too late, the effect of her too quick words said in anger. all the while wishing that the kitten her daughter had wished for would provide the unconditional love all children crave.

hump day

i just wanted to note that i have arranged my vacation days to provide me with 3 day work weeks from now until mid august, so with a munificent number of 4 day weekends i may just lose track of myself occasionally. i think that's a good thing.

i went to sleep last night at 8 pm - what's up with that?

having been away from the office for a week i returned to find the 100 little gods very much in evidence. there were no huge stacks of work waiting for me, no lists of emails to reply to. everyone seemed to be in good moods. i got my work all done except for some reports i need to complete today - all good. i love my job.

now all i have to do is get the house done - AGAIN ...

my son is talking about moving out in September or October - whatever will I do with all that space to myself?

holy crap it's June!

and May whizzed past me ...

I realized today that I had not posted anything for what - 10 days ... i must have been busy?

well i participated in a Covey training course, 7 habits of highly effective people. it was 3 days long. and like many systems that work it is built upon a foundation of positivity, relationships and vision. alot like "the secret", with a touch of the Celestine Prophecy based on the Golden Rule.

it was good. the best part was the profile analysis. 2 weeks before the course we had to do a survey, then have our boss/supervisor and 4 peers fill out the same survey. the questions covered a wide variety of "I can ..." or "I need to work on..." or I am..." and then they analyze all the data and present it as a profile, which allows view of where you gauge your own abilities versus how other people see you. it was quite enlightening actually.

i found that i judge myself far more harshly than others do, and that others really didn't have anything to criticize except that i tend to put myself (health) at risk in order to complete tasks i have given my word i'd help with. so i get things done but i tend to over stretch myself. so this weekend i planned to just chill out and recuperate from the mental and emotional barrage of the week past (i got to hang out with some friends i hadn't seen in a while - it was great) ...

... when i realized it was the grandson's birthday party and mehendi for the dancing girls (Autumn, Mazi & Maya) and that i had already made commitments to several other things ... no rest for the wicked.

short weekends

why do they only make weekends 2 days long? sure it's good for the winter but there is just too much to do in the summertime.

deck-a-dence or perhap drunk-andance was the prevailing wind on last Friday evening. the girls were havin' a p-a-r-t-y night! so were the guys, but once then hen party begins, good luck at gettin in on the convo. great tunes and we were doin some of mick's dancin in the street

please remind me to stay away from the cuervo. it doesn't like blueberry juice in the morning.

and off and running for meditation in the park (cancelled due to lack of interest) groceries (cancelled due to arts festival)- arts festival (cancelled due to other intervening interests) - creating a very zen space on my deck by bringing out the plants and just generally enjoying my space - then a little nap and no call from the girlie so cards with lu and sean - and i actually won - WHOHOO! great game - all on the C hand at the end.

early sunday i dragged my laundry down 2 flights of stairs to discover the damage created when some low brained ham fisted mother fucker decided to break into our laundry room - wrench the faceplates of the washer & dryers off to get our measly quarters and loonies and didn't even have the couth to turn out the light when they left.

let it go. breathe ...

off to the nece's annual ceremony for cadets where she got the last medal she can earn (she has the rest) many many pictures - i am SO proud. and then an afternoon of fun and frolick with my kids and the grands. and many more pictures. and mmmmm tacos for supper - tasty tasty. the hilarity continued as mur and chris squared off in the alley to play horse ... amanda and i just howled at the antics... especially their ability to multitask while dribbling!

work tomorrow - later....

looking in ...

deep inside in the darkest little redoubt, cringing from the brightness that threatens to overwhelm my subterfuge, my masks ... ego lurks embracing shadows eschewing the stillness of infinite terror. unwilling now to slough the fears that keep me walking. unable now to express the wrongness ghosting there. where have i gone?

the open laughing touchy feely wench, feet firmly planted in the ground, toes wiggling in the grass, gaia. heart on my sleeve, passionate intense demanding friend, goddess of creation.

yet here i am shod sleeveless and empty.

haiku for you

haiku foundation
nature season emotive
sounds five seven five

golden fish tumbling
head over tail bubbling
waking the still pond

reuse recycle
landfill treasure hunters find
midden heap lotus

haiku deux

wounded darkness creeps
smothering burgeoning hope
twisting in the wind

anger ...

some anger is healthy, some is avoidable and some just smacks you upside the head and will not let you let go. now i am a relatively well balanced individual (except for a few obsessive/compulsive tendencies that i usually manage to keep in check) but it continues to amaze me that after 4 decades of dealing with the cycles of life I still get so fucking angry when horrible things happen to the most brilliant people. and it is inevitably something i can do absolutely nothing to stop/fix/help.

cancer is an insidious evil that chooses its victims willy nilly with no ryhme nor reason. in my experience it often gets the best first. and we the observers can mouth platitudes and pat shoulders, it just doesn't matter, we are helpless to help our friend, who in the end must come to their own terms with the great evil. what is worse is that it is inside them and they can not get away from it. there it is staring out at them through the mirror, their body a traitor.

so what can i do? i have never found a satifactory answer except let them know i love them and then give them enough supportive space to find some acceptance. i can also not bring it up unless they do. the big C scares us all because we are all susceptible. we need to remember that our fear is nothing compared to abyss along whose edge our friend is treading.

gravity...

sucks your life away
dogs every weighty step
sweat silently drips

ageism ...

how many other adults over the age of 30 are generally pissed at these little twenty somethings that have decided that this is "their" world and that we should just get out of their way? i am sick of sketchy little brats just barely out of diapers telling me i am too old to be in a particular bar or to be participating at a particular party.

i have a right to enjoy myself any damn place i want to. if i want to dance all bloody night then go ME! they can take their disrespectful uptight prepubescent narrow minded attitudes and F@#$ right off. stupid bints.

too old ~ my ass. i'd like to see them try& keep up.

i have to go for a walk now. aaarrrggghhhh!

monday file ...

Saturday was a whirlwind of get it done. out to the Beach early for "Rudy's" grand opening. great little shop run by my friend Lori. great photographer that i am i didn't want to miss the chance to snap some pics of her tres cool wares. and lo and behold - every picture i took, there was like a 6 second delay before the flash went off and they were all fuzzy and out of focus - splttt! so i tried to figure out what button i had pushed on my expensive but now useless toy - and could i find it. no! however later that night i looked at the stupid thing (the camera) and realized that the main dial was set to AV mode not picture mode. i bet i checked every setting on the blasted thing except that one. figures. i had been murphinated.

then it was lunch with Lu and grocery getting followed by another dk attempt to haul all the groceries up the narrow opengrill fire escape ... now that's when i needed the AV mode ... cussing and swearing and banged my nee on the stair rail, and i STILL forgot the thrice bedamned coffee filters. ENOUGH I SAY! the voices are calling ....

and off to the deck i go. beauty day - a little wind but c'mon - this is the canadian prairie and it's good to keep the squitos at bay. some pints and a mutilated attempt at a croosword and it was off to Darrel & Jill's for BBQ. You should see the new barby - HUGE all stainless steel, there must be almost 5 sq feet of grill with a funky little side burner - and it's so shiny - beautiful - I just wanted to get a cloth and polish it till it sparkled, pretty as new chrome on a 57 chev. and the food was good too! great company and a chillaxin' evenin'. new friends & old and the kids with the marshmallows were a howl!

spent sunday am sorting some pics and wrestling with the ^$##@##%#%$# printer.
read a bit on the deck and then it was of to ACDS's for dindin which the boys (Chris & Mur) made - apparently mostly Chris. tasty tasty too! then back home to relax and crash by 9:30.

sat am

outside outside outside



& a happy Mom Day tomorrow

wrapper...

what a glorious week! I only had to work 2 1/2 days, I had union training (learning about arbitration ins and outs) and met some new members of my largest extended family and caught up with others. tuesday evening the angels at the gates of heaven must have been gettin' down with their bad selves by the number of pinters that showed up for deck-adence, even a few souls who've been on sojourn arrived to partake in the festivities. now i'm not complaining about the weather - i adore the sun and the heat - but it is now the season where my guinny gets warm before i'm done so it's time to switch to bombay and lime as the nectar of choice.

glorious Ra beat down on wednesday and an afternoon in the park discussing elliott kicked the braincase back into gear while searing the tender deadfish white flesh a brilliant scarlett - especially my forehead, tightness the next day, not too much pain and here it is friday and it's lookin' pretty tanned.

planning vacation days - and i only have one 4 day week this month, then not another until mid august. much rather have 4 day weekends most of the summer and then a couple of solid weeks off. the air conditioning at work is always a midweek refresher!

my son sent me a note today about the Dalai Lama. Apparently he is considering retirement in the next few years. he's 71 now, so one can hardly blame him. his successor was 6 when he was chosen (may have been under house arrest since 1995). how do you retire from being one of the great compassionate lights in the world? how does one put off the mantle of goodness and harmony and care that is rooted in self to retire? or maybe he is simply retiring from the public and administrative duties required as head of state of Tibet in exile. it certainly makes the point that time is passing faster than we know. in 2009 the Dalai will have lived exiled from his heartland for 50 years. he carries it in his heart wherever he goes.

well enough for now, coffee break is over. looking forward to visiting with my sister after work and then off to Regina Beach for Lori's store opening on the morrow.

cheers and have a VUNDERBAR weekend